Disappointed in My Husband = How Would You Feel About This?

I would feel the same way you do. Totally not fair. Looks like you get to spend some grocery money on shoes!

You're not being silly, you're being too kind! Why do you feel weird hitting him up about this? I would have called my husband on it right off and he would have done the same thing to me. You're partners and you agreed on something then he did the opposite!

Call him out on it. The two of you made a deal that you were going to spend the money on practical things that benefitted BOTh of you, and he reneged. It's not that he got shoes and you didn't - it's that he gave you his word and broke it.

Hmmmm, in you near future I see a FANTASTIC bag from Macy's with your name on it!

:)

your not being silly at all! What a Dick move on his part ! SHAME ON HIM! You really should tell him ~ I thought we were going to use our cards on necessities not Luxuries, That's what MY CHRISTMAS GIFT was used on ! if you dont say something NOW in the 'moment' of it, you'll regret it and just be very bitter towards him! TELL HIM PLEASE

You made an agreement and he didn't hold up his end of the bargain. I would be ticked too and my hubby would know it! You are not being silly! You gave up the opportunity to get a present for yourself for the benefit of your family financials and he should have as well. I would ask him to return the shoes (provided he didn't use them today) or allocate over the next few months an amount that will total the $200 that is rightfully yours to use as you see fit. It just isn't fair! As moms/wives we make a lot of sacrifices as is and generally spend on the kids instead of ourselves to begin with...it isn't fair for him to suggest such a deal and then not follow through!

Oh- and by the way -- I RUN, like really RUN (and do triathlons) regularly and I buy the cheapest running shoes that feel good (that are Adidas because they fit my foot best) on super discount (normally running shoes that were originally $80 and are now $24.99-$34.99). Unless he is a marathon runner, he doesn't need any flippin $165 running shoes! Since you said he is a marathon runner...well, marathons (as I well know) cost a lot of entry money as well. Seems like he is letting his hobby take priority over the deal you guys made and your family finances. He needs to get his priorities straight.

I do not use gift money for the house, it is a gift, it may be the only money for a period of time I get to spend on myslef. You feel like you missed out and I think you are dissapointed in yourself not your husband.

You are not being silly, you are justified in being upset!
You guys made a deal. It is not fair that you have to use your GC on groceries and gas and he gets to use his on fun things...not fair AT ALL!

I would speak up. Why does he think that's fair?

Who wouldn't want to spend their GC on something fun for themselves...that was it's intended purpose?! You were being responsible
and sticking to the agreement, as most us mommy's are, and he was just
NOT!

~The way I see it, hubby owes you $165 of fun $ to blow on something fun, or heck a necessity for you and you alone, not the family!

You need to tell him to return those shoes and buy gas and groceries ONLY with that card - like HE suggested!

He doesn't NEED those shoes... he is showing bad judgment in using the money on only himself like a selfish irresponsible child would - rather than a husband and Father.

RETURN THE SHOES!!!

Oooooh -he would be returning those shoes if he wanted peace at home! Sorry, but that would set me OFF! I've been there -on an extremely tight budget with none to spare and receiving gift cards or cash for Christmas. I've also heard the whining about how my husband needed to spend his on new boots or electronics, but I was supposed to spend mine at Kroger! NO WAY! It may be HIS gift card, but you made a deal to spend them on practical items you actually need. Since you did that and didn't come home with a new pair or True Religion jeans or a handbag or something, then he needs to return them and do the next round of grocery shopping!

I would take one sneaker. Until he gets what he did. So yes I would be mad.

OK I would be a little put out. But for me I would buy for my family before myself, so I think you did a good thing. It's OK to tell him how you feel. One mom suggested to MAKE him take them back MAKE him? really, don't take that advice, he's your husband not your child, and if he is a marathon runner, maybe he really did need them. Talk about and forgive, it's not worth fighting about. J.

haha this is funny b/c the same thing (sort of) just happened to me. my husband and I each get a $100 allowance every month. Well this month, we went over our household budget so HE suggested that we just use our allowance to pay for groceries, gas, and other non-fun stuff we need. Well that is exactly what I did. I bought diapers, food, etc. and then he casually mentions how he's been eating out for lunch and then he says dont worry i've been using my allowance money. =P i commented right then and there about the discrepancy but didn't make a big deal of it b/c it actually didn't bug me THAT much (prob had other things on my plate) but i swear, guys do stuff like this ALL the time. it's so annoying =P anyways, I would definitely bring it up b/c if you don't, it'll prob fester and you'll get resentful. moreover, if you DON"T bring it up, it's likely to happen again which you don't want! i wouldn' tmake him return the shoes but maybe work out some other thing where you get a little something. and just for the future though, I think you should use all gift cards for fun things so that you and hubby get a little break from being practical. it's so tedious to be constantly on a budget. trust me i know!

Pick your battles wisely, he made a mistake and we all fall short. Telling him to take the shoes back will only cause more conflict. Let it go and enjoy what is right in front of you.

I am at this moment in the process of a divorce, one of the most important things that got me to this piont is the fact that I never said anything. You should speek your mind. Do not keep that bad feeling, it just crawls up your heart and destroys the love with disapointments keept to you self.

You are mad because the 2 of you made a deal, and he did not follow through on it. You have every right to be mad about that. In essence, he lied to you, got you to use your gift for bills while he splurged on himself. That was very selfish of him if you ask me. I would talk to him about how you feel and why. Chances are he knows you are annoyed with him and may not fully understand that it is not about the shoes but about the lie.

Kudos to you for not tearing his head off immediately...lol. Heck yeah I'd be ticked and have every right to be. It was his idea to use for family groceries and gas in the first place. You lived up to your end of the deal he proposed, he did not. Yup, I'd call him out on it and tell him exactly how you feel. If doesn't matter who gave you the gift cards. HE suggested you both use them for groceries and gas and you agreed to that. Case Closed.

not silly. They are your feelings. You thought you had an understanding, and apparently you didn't. Bring it up in a non threatening, non accusatory way. Tell him you thought there was an understanding and your feeling a little miffed. Give him a chance to make it right.

That would make me really mad. Some men can be really juvenile when it comes to this kind of thing and they don't get that they can't get what they want whenever they want...its so hurtful when you sacrifice things that you need or want for the good of the family budget and he indulges himself on something outrageous. And, I'm sorry, my husband is a runner and get expensive shoes but 165.00 is outrageous.

That said, you can approach this in two ways. 1) you can just let it go. If he isn't typically the kind of person to do that, then just chalk it up to a moment of really poor judgment and maybe indulge yourself with some of the money you saved using your gift card and go get a pedicure or something special for yourself If he's had a change of heart about that, then you are entitled to as well.

2) if this is typical for him, then you need to sit down and have a serious talk about this. Explain that you feel like you give up a lot for the good of the family--no new clothes or shoes, and that his indulgence was pretty over the top. If he needs new shoes, then he can take the grossly expensive ones back, get a pair of less expensive ones and you can get a pair also. OR he can take the shoes back and you guys can get something special for the family. I am sure that his parents would like to know that you treated yourselves to something with at least a portion of the money.

Either way, though, I wouldn't let this slide. It can grow into bigger resentment down the line if you aren't careful. I know firsthand.

Just bring it up in a nice way...Say what's in your heart and ask HIM if the shoe (ha!) were on the other foot, how would he feel.

Then ask HIM what he thinks should be done to make it right.

(:

You made an agreement, he broke it. Yep, I'd be pissed. I think you should tell him how you feel so that you get it out of your system instead of letting it stew, then you can let it go since other than that there is nothing more that can be done.

I would be disheartened too. As far as you were concerned you thought you both agreed to use both the cards on the essentials. That's the understanding you had. I would talk to him about it. I would just go about it in a nice confused way. Like, Honey, I like your new shoes and all but I was under the impression that we were going to use the cards for groceries and gas like you had suggested. Don't be arguementative but express to him that you were hurt by this. That you gave up your right to use the card for yourself to help the family and you thought he was doing the same. It's already hard for us mom's to use GC's on ourselves so it's easy to see how you didn't hesitate to use for the family. Maybe say to him, next time your parents give us GC's how about we use yours for the essentials and I can use mine for something I want. Good luck! I agree, not fair at all especially when ya'll had an understanding to begin with.

I'd say returning the shoes would be a good idea, but maybe as a compromise, you both could spend 50 bucks each of the card on something for your selves and the other 100 on gas/groceries. Don't stay mad at him though, that isn't productive.

I don't think you are being silly. He made the statement, you followed through and it sounds like he broke what you thought was an agreement. How would he feel if it were the other way around? I bet he wouldn't be happy either. In fairness to him, he may have been stating something he felt you two SHOULD do out of guilt and wasn't as serious as he sounded but I still think you should let him know. Not suggesting you get on his case, just talk to him calmly and let him know your disappointment and why. I'm so sorry this happened and can't help but think something bigger and better is around the corner to make up for it.

You are a nicer person than I! I would have said something right then to him- it was his idea to spend it on groceries and gas, and it was ok for you to spend yours that way, yet when it came down to it, he changed his mind about things. Not ok with me. If he can, return the shoes and let you spend the card on household necessities. He doesn't seem to be responsible with it based on your agreement, so you should get to take care of it!

Yes, you should be upset as your husband did not keep his end of the plan and that is not fair, not good, and it's a trust issue. However, as is the case with many many men, he may have totally forgotten that you guys made this deal. So, I would talk to him about it in an "I'm confused way" as opposed to an accusing way. I am sorry this has happened to you.

yes. i would be PISSED OFF> unless he has a horrible memory, it was his idea in the first place. I'd simply use your family money to buy yourself some new shoes : P

Sorry-but you are NOT being silly. He knew darn well that you guys had agreed to use if for daily expenses-I mean, it was his idea !! I would make him take back the shoes. What in the hell does someone who is struggling to buy gas and food need to buy SNEAKERS that are165!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously-he needs to get a grip. His attitude is probably what has put you in this financial situation to begin with. Please say something to him. And then figure out what YOU are going to get for $200-even if he has to eat ramen for a month to pay for it.

I agree with you. I always use our gifts cards from Christmas for groceries and stuff. I think he should take the shoes back and give you the card for groceries. Or you could make him mac and cheese for dinner every night for weeks and when he asks why he is getting it every night I'd say, "well, you spent the rest of the grocery money on your shoes".

I'd probably be mad too.
It might not have been as bad if his new shoes were like $80 & he used the rest for gas & food.

I think as mother's we automatically put others before us. So when we get things like GC's instead of thinking "oh hey I'm going to buy some new clothes!"
We think "Man I can use this GC to buy the kids clothes, the new shower curtain, groceries, floor cleaner and so on"
I know I do it.
My "hubby" tries to get me to stop it, but it's really hard.
And also I do get jealous when he get's a "gift" and spends it on a movie, CD, computer stuff etc.

Maybe you could just bring it up and let him know how you feel about it. Don't yell or be angry, just make sure he knows, and see what he says.

I'd be a lot more than annoyed and yes I would firmly tell him how upset I was. Bottom line... you made an agreement, you followed it, he didn't.

You both have a responsibility to the household, and if money is tight, then both of you have to compromise and look to the family's needs with money. With the whole economy falling because of peoples carelessness with money, I think it is fair for you to say that this is one time that gifts should be saved for the important things.

We have this dilemma too. My inlaws gave me a $200 gift card to spend anywhere and hubby a $200 gift card for Costco. I sorta assumed that we would spend the Costco one on Costco stuff, supplies, food, maybe a small gift or two. He went and bought a mountain bike! Ha! I was kinda biding my time with my gift card, thinking maybe I should just use it as a freebie and run it all out on groceries and gas. But after the bike I decided to go shoe-shopping with it :)
I'm always conflicted too about ANY gift card. I am a practical, thrifty person, in no way interested in expensive technology or clothing brands or makeup products. So I always think , should I splurge on something for myself? Put it toward something big we need? Save it for when I need to purchase a gift for someone else? I end up realizing it's all relative because I am not an extravagant person. So If I spend it on groceries, I just end up spending our regular money on a pair of shoes. We all need to keep our wardrobes stylish and fresh, right? It's not like I would have spent the gift card on some outrageous thing, in my mind, wasting $200 is still wasting it whether you earned that $200 or it was gifted to you. Gift card or no, I only really spend on what I reasonably need anyway, with only a tiny bit of luxury thrown in.
If you are that burned about it, I agree with some of the posters who say, with all the the money you saved on groceries and gas, now you can afford your own new pair of shoes! Go get it girl!

I agree with Mommy B. Take back the shoes, split the money and each of you have something fun. Then your gift card was used for the groceries.
It is fun to impulse shop....everyone gets the itch. That is what having a fun gc is for as a gift.

I dont think its worth fighting over, it was a gift card and look what it's done to you guys?! Money is evil sometimes. Next time you have a little extra go by yourself something, you have a valid excuse but if you want to sit and be a martyr you can do that too. Me? I would take the next 200 bucks and do something fun with it for myself. If you were gonna go without grocerys and gas before you got the gift card, go without it anyway and buy yourself something. Basically you used yours to prepare meals and put some fuel in your car, your husband should have split his with you when he decided he was going to use it for folly. That would be the beef you should have with him, let him know how much he HURT your feeling by not THINKING of YOU when he went and spent it on shoes for himself. From now on call them the "selfish shoes" when he has them on. He'll get the point and you'll feel better making him feel bad, I guess?

I suggest telling him you feel disappointed that he broke the agreement the two of you had. db

No, you are not being silly. If you both agreed that you would use it for necessities, than that should be what they were used for. It would be another story if you both said - lets just spend our own money on what ever we want, and you chose to spend it on groceries, but that is not the case.

I would say something to him. I mean, I wouldn't fight over it or anything, but just mention it and ask why. He probably just forgot that whole conversation LOL!!! But at least it won't fester inside of you and come out in like 5 months when your still ticked about it and he doesn't even remember anything about gift cards.

Wait, HE suggested to use them on food and gas? Then goes spends it on other stuff? I am not sure I would have been as nice. You might ask for the 200 out of the budget to make up for your "gift card" seeing as you kept the deal and now understand it was just a suggestion not actually a deal.

Yes, I would be very annoyed. A response like, "I thought we agreed we needed to use them for gas and groceries?" is what would have come from me. I would suggest having an open conversation. Its really not fair.

.

Why didn't you just pipe up and remind him that HE had suggested spending the GC on groceries and such when he showed you the shoes? That would've saved you a lot of grief.
Speak up! Better late than never. Bring it up ASAP and stop stewing. The fact that it's from his parent is irrelevant. If you need shoes too, then TELL him. He can't read your mind.

Yah I would be irritated.

Tell him.
It was HIS idea in the first place, on how to use the gift card money.

I think I would be a little irked too : /
You should definately tell him that you felt a little "cheated" on the deal, but then you should just let it go. This way, you've gotten it off your chest by telling him how you feel but you don't want to make a bigger deal out of it or cause an arguement.
Sorry you got jipped!

no I would feel hurt also. we each got about 250 a piece he too 100 for himself and gave me the rest to take care of what I wanted. so I budgeted out the money for groceries and a dinner out. I really did not spend any on myself persa but it felt nice to have the choice what I wanted to spend it on. So I can see both side of the coin he was selfish in spending it all on himself but he should have said somthing to you about what he had planned to spend it on. talk to him about what you are feeling dont hold in your resentment.

I always end up using any gift money on bills or groceries. my husband always has fun. it sucksI know how irritated you must be. next time just do for yourself

Wow - sorry to be the weird one here! But only you know how broke you are....and how much this will affect your finances. It's not like he spent it at the bar or gambling. He bought shoes. I would let it go. Could be a little over the top....controlling. NOW - if you are really, really - I mean - really BROKE - and you cannot feed your family now....yeah I would be pissed! ;)

I would be extremely dissapointed especially since this idea was his. The next time he has an idea like this I would remind him that he doesn't keep his end of the bargain and you don't want to participate in his idea.

on another note...maybe I've become very frugal since becoming a mommy, but $165.00 for a pair of sneakers??!! That would upset me too, lol!!

My husband...when we first had our son, and were on one income, bought a pair of $200 mucklucks to play broomball in... Needless to say we were struggling financially...and he plays broomball about 5 -10 times a YEAR! I am STILL ANNOYED - 10 years later :). I would highly recommend you talk it out, and see about returning them if you really need the money. It isn't worth the bad feelings...and he should have known better.

You had an agreement and HE did agree to use them for groceries and gas.. IF he wanted to buy something different, in fact I think he should have indicated as such. Of course a runner needs good shoes, but families also need food and gas.... and a deal was a deal.. Surely, you probably would have said ok... buy your shoes... also... not ALL shoes need to cost that much... even good ones.. I tend to like my shoes as well but I have found since being on a budget that you can in fact get some good ones and they needn't cost too much...... check out Zappos... they have many leading brands and will often have a sale...
but even apart from the shoes... this was about a deal you two committed to and he broke his end of the bargain.. that is truly the point not the shoes... so if he says, well you know I run marathons and need good shoes, then tell him .. that isn't the issue.................

Did you both agree to using the GC on groceries and gas? If you did, then yes I would be upset. If you did not both agree that the GC's would be used for groceries or gas, then you have no reason to be upset.
Yes, he made the suggestion, so I may ask why he did NOT do what he suggested. After I receive the answer, I would drop it.

I read a few of the other answers, but I would be so pissed. I would tell him, it's bad enough that you are tight on money, not to mention that you had an agreement. You also spend all your free money on things for the house and yes, you would like to buy stuff for yourself but like you both agreed that was not possible. I would say that he owes you big time. I mean you guys are supposed to be equals in this and he made the decision to buy shoes with his gift card and that makes you feel like a dummy because he meant you use your gift card for groceries for us and my gift card is for me and something that is only for me. I think it's kinda selfish really and I would definitely tell him how hurt that has made you feel. If he can't take the shoes back, then I agree with the mac and cheese comment yet I would go as far as top ramen. Ha Ha.

Don't be confrontational and angry, but ask him about it. It could be that when he said "we should" he was using the word "should" the way he might if he said, "I really should start an exercise program" or "I should get in the habit of flossing" or "We should be saving more for the kids' college" - in other words, it would be a responsible action, but probably won't happen.

Let him know that you feel as if you missed out on getting something just for yourself. I've never been a fan of the idea that you need to match dollars spent, but if you can think of something that won't break the budget - maybe a night out with friends at a chick flick - see if you can do it so you don't keep feeling resentful.

You husband is selfish.
You kept your end of the bargain. You respected his decision.
You are not jealous, I think you are angry, and are entitled to be.
Speak about your feelings to him - do not bottle up. Communication is the key to any successful relationship

He pulled a fast one and you have every right to be upset. He made a suggestion, you agreed and follow through while he was being selfish.

Don't let the negative responses change how you really felt about it. If you were upset/angry, you had a right to be. He was wrong!!!

He agreed that you should both use them for gas and groceries. I'd ask if he forgot about the comment, or was joking.

Either way, it's something that can be brought up in a non-defensive/offensive way. Just say "hey, what's up with those shoes? I thought you suggested we use OUR cards for groceries and gas because things are tight?"

See what he says and go from there.

It wasnt HIS GC to spend as he wanted after you both agreed to gas & groceries!

I would be annoyed too. You said that HE suggested you use them for gas and groceries. And so you did with the expectation that he was doing the same since HE suggested it. So yeah, be annoyed, but don't be silently annoyed. TELL HIM how you feel about what happened and why you feel that way. Marriage is an EQUAL partnership -- and if your budget is tight enough that he suggested using gift cards for gas and groceries then he didn't need $165 shoes. Good luck -- money is always a tough subject.

It's eaing you up because he tricked you. Your card went to household needs... at his suggestion!, while he got something fun. It would upset me, too, because I expect my husband to be my equal.

This is seriously the reason I am single. $165 pair of shoes. I realize that if you both work, you may be able to afford that, but seriously, those were gifts. If nothing else, then he owes you $100 for food that he will be eating. Marriage is a commitment, and if he can't even be decent enough to fulfill an obligation that HE proposed... You seem to be ok with this situation, I would NOT be. And if you let him take advantage of you now, then he will continue to. On a personal note, $165 would feed my daughter and I for a month. If he needs shoes, there are plenty of reasonably priced ones.

It's not that he spent the money or what he bought that would bug me. Yes, it was his card, but I would just honestly tell him that you're upset bc you thought the two of you had an understanding. In the spirit of that understanding, you forwent buying something for yourself when you would have liked to. I don't think it needs to turn into a huge deal, but put that out there and see what his response is. You'll be able to tell a lot about his reasoning by his response.

He broke the agreement. He changed his mind without even speaking with you. When someone gives you a gift card, next time use it for yourself. I know that these are tough times, but sometimes you have to spend a little something on yourself because you deserve it. He should give you the remaining 35 dollars. That's the least he should do. Address the situation and let him know how you feel. You were the bigger person and was being responsible for the family.

Next time though, use it for yourself. Trust me you will feel better just as your husband did. The bills are going to be there.

You're jealous...but that's not a bad thing. We as humans have that emotion inside of us. It's how we deal with that jealousy that makes a difference in the end. Your husband chose to use his card for himself while you used your card for the house/family.

It's silly to let this bother you. Next time you get a monetary gift, don't make a bargain with your husband. Spend YOUR gift on yourself however you feel is right for you. Honestly, I don't blame your husband at all. He used his parents money to buy something for himself that won't take away $$ from the money usually budgeted for the family. Let it go....

I know you have resolved this but I just wanted to say I would so tell him how I felt!! I mean, if you guys had an agreement, then I think he should
a) take back the shoes(although I am sure he probably needs them) or preferably b) carve out $165 somewhere for you to spend on something fun for you. I think when one gets to blow some moola the other should too. I don't think him getting the shoes was a bad thing, but the fact that you spent fun money on budget things and he got to blow it was not the greatest! So seriously, I would just tell him how you feel and ask for the money!! That is how we do it anyway, I know you weren't like all crazy mad, but I totally get how that kind of thing could stay with you. The last thing you need is to try and let it go but still have it harboring inside and then throw it out as ammo in a fight about something stupid, better to clear it up now :D Good luck!

you should buy yourself a 200 $ (early) birthday gift!! lol. i would probably do that...

I use my gift cards and birthday money for the family and groceries all the time and don't think a thing about it. But when my hubby does it, he makes a big deal about it like he's such a martyr...LOL Not that I'm better than him but it's just a different way of thinking of things. I'm not a shopper so naturally I'd spend my stuff on groceries. If I LOVED to buy clothes etc, I'd probably use my gift cards differently. Anyway, next time he can use his GC on the family and you can buy your shoes. =)

Maybe you could ask him for the remaning $35 dollars to get something for yourself.
I would be more upset that he spent way to much to get a good pair of shoes! I teach exercise classes everyday and pay no more than $30 for my shoes. Expensive doesn't mean better. (I apologize if this is offense. I know it is none of my business how other people choose to spend money!)
You are not being silly, but you don't want this to harm your marriage.
I hope you have already worked this out by now.
Victoria

The next time he asks what's for dinner - I would ask him if he likes his shoes baked or fried???? I would be upset as well and I don't think it is silly at all. I can't tell you the times I have come home from work and a package from a sporting goods store was at my door step and I'm thinking to myself - why didn't he ask if he could help pay for our daughter's new shoes, outfits, or offer to help with my school tuition expense, etc before he just up and buys him a new pair of hunting boots or whatever? He could have at least offered to split the GC with you since you used yours to buy groceries and gas. That way you could both treat yourself to something you want and still be able to use the other card for things you need. In his mind, he was thinking ok - we have the food we need and this GC is burning a hole in my pocket so why not buy the shoes without thinking how that may make you feel. I doubt he did it intentionally and eventhough it is upsetting, hopefully you both can move past it without being upset over the purchase. The next time you get a GC and if you absolutely don't have to use it (all) on food or gas - then save a little to buy yourself a little "happy". The economy is tough and is taking such a toll on families but sometimes you have to buy a little inexpensive gift to make you smile and feel good inside.

I don't know my bitchy answer would be let the cell phone get cut off then when he asks about it I would pull out MY gift that I bought and say OH you see the funds didn't cover the cell phone bill this month because MY gift card that I got I spent it on groceries so I just took the money from our budget to get something for myself. However I am growing up and not being so childish ......so I guess my response would be I can understand "why" you would be upset and you have the right to communicate that to your husband. Just make sure you commuincate in a positive manner so that it doesn't turn into an argument. After that....you need to let it go because it will just eat at you and then you will become bitter and resentful. That is never a good thing!