Disagreeing with the Husband.

Hello SL, We just moved from California and my husband is in the Army. We are both from here and I am so happy to be back home reconnecting with friends and family. So I know how you feel. Really I do. We have been married 23 years and we have 3 boys. Rockwell is 24 and he decided to move here with us. Kalani is 22 and he lives in California. Shane is 19 and lives with Kalani and goes to San Jose State University. I am 41 and my husband is 43. We just move here in August and live in a house in Kailua. Do you want to be friends? Do you want to meet me? I would love to meet you and your family I would love to have you over for friendship,prayer or whatever. Hawaii is really a great place and it's so hard to get the with the program. It's like people are 2 days behind and always in the kickback mode. We got married in 85 and lived in Anchorage,Colorado Springs,Schofield Barracks,Fayetteville NC,and for the last 13 years in Mountain View,CA. Having the boys during our time away from Hawaii was a Godsend of course. But I met alot of people along the way some even from Ohio. So let me know whenever you want to just hang out. I have a great big fenced in yard and you and yours are welcome. From one strong woman to another,M.

Hi SL,
Let me just say, you are very normal and the unhappy feelings you have, can subside over time with a little extra "I can do this" on your part. I'm not saying its fair, because sometimes it just plain isn't. But you deserve to be happy and sometimes ONLY YOU can do that. You sound like a wonderful person, and I have the feeling you can do it. Obviously, you have your hands full with the kids which in itself, can be overwhelming and contribute to your homesickness. Give yourself credit and examine why you may be homesick. Identifying the big stressors in your life can help you to alleviate some pressures and understand where your emotions are coming from. Sometimes we are being super mom, being stretched every way possible and wonder why we are unhappy. Make a list and take charge.
This is our third tour here on Oahu. The first tour, my daughter was two and my son born here. We lived in housing and kept busy with other moms/kids with play groups and co-op babysitting. Do you live on base? The second tour, my kids were elem/middle school aged. Different tour, as the kids were not home with me as much, so I volunteered extensively at the school and in the community to occupy my time and still have a schedule that worked with the kids.
Our third tour has seen my daughter graduating from high school and off to college as a freshmen with my son in middle school. I have a part time job to help occupy my time and of course earn money.
Guess what, I'm still homesick, sometimes worse than others, but...time passes quicker when you can keep yourself busy. I'm a big proponent of volunteering. Many of the bases have hourly babysitting services. Can you switch babysitting with a friend? Use your time for you; work out, go get coffee, go home and nap, whatever YOU want.
Lastly, enjoy your children while they are young, they will be gone from the nest before you know it! Remember how loved you are. You are number 1 in your children's eyes. Even that 14 yo boy! That's pretty special. Don't feel bad for feeling sad, it's OK. Give yourself a little pouting time, then get up and go again. If you have to get up and go again one hundred times so be it. Beware, sometimes it's harder to get up than others, but you will. Good luck to you and I have much admiration that you have reached out for help! A good friend once told me it takes as much grace to receive as it does to give, let people help you, you deserve it.

Being a military wife is so difficult...everyone in the family makes sacrifices. Being away from friends and family, especially as far away as Hawaii, is very tough. If you left for home for a few more weeks, would your husband be able to handle five children or even three, if you took the twins with you? It's so expensive to fly to and from Hawaii, so I wonder if money is also an issue for him. I don't know your situation, but I think you should consider making new friends in Hawaii to help you cope but perhaps also seeing a therapist to help with the depression and perhaps to help you and your husband understand each other's position. Perhaps you could join a mommy group with the twins - Baby Hui is a great organization here. You can meet great friends and do activities until your time here is over. May 2009 will be here sooner than you think and you will probably be stationed much closer to home. There's so much to do in Hawaii, I hope you will enjoy the good things, so you will have fond memories of Hawaii. People pay lots of money to come here and enjoy the scenery, hikes, beaches, the weather, entertainment, etc. Please hang in there. So many people appreciate our military for their willingness to fight for our freedoms and we appreciate the families' sacrifices too. Good luck to you. I hope you can find a way to work things out.

Hello dear one,
Completely understand being a long way from home and missing EVERYTHING. I'm also a military wife in Hawaii - although I haven't been here as long as you and overall I'm pretty happy here. We were stationed in Guam (HULLO... where IS that even? Yeah, that's what I said when we got our orders...) and it was a 30 hour, $3000/person flight home - didn't have too many of those trips logged obviously! ;-)
I have a couple of thoughts on your disagreement with your hubby...
1. Have you been able to make friends here? The International MOMS club has some really awesome, very active, and wonderfully supportive chapters here. It was the FIRST call I made when I got on-island and I've made quite a few friends very quickly (quick friends are always a plus when you're PCS'ing every 2 to 3...) Look online for International MOMS club if you aren't already a member for more info and to get in touch with your local chapter. This is also a resource you can tap into when you go back to Ohio since they have chapters everywhere. You may also look into some of the military spouse organizations - a chaplain could refer you if hubby doesn't know who to call.
2. Why is hubby so adamently against you going? People stick to their guns only when they think there is really a threat. Money? (Can you do a yard sale/ebay something to raise it?) Is he nervous that you won't come back? (what can you do to re-assure him that you will?) Are the kids staying here with him? Holy smokes! Being left alone with any combination of the ages you have would put the fear of God in MOST men... I think my poor hubby would happily take on Bin Laden's army BY HIMSELF rather than be left alone for ANY extended period of time (read: more than 2 hours) with our little guys. If the kiddos are all going with you (dear woman, you have my sympathies with THAT one on the plane...) maybe hubby is going to be REALLY lonely without you or maybe he thinks you or the kids will forget about him while you're gone - especially the twins. (What can you do to make sure he knows he's still your main squeeze and Number One Dad while you're gone?) It could be that on your last trip, he was really jealous that you had such a good time without him. As a military wife, you no doubt have had extended separations. Also as a military wife, you've seen the weaker relationships fail because of that. Maybe hubby just had one of his guys go through it and is worried about just how steady you guys really are and doesn't want to press his luck in his last few months... He could also be nervous about transitioning back to civilian life and wants you nearby to "have his back" while he sorts all that out. (Sorry, I assumed you're getting out of the military since it sounds like you're heading home to stay after you're finished in Hawaii. If that's not the case, disregard all that.)
3. Is it possible that hubby thinks some of your friends need to "return the favor" and have THEM make the trip to Hawaii since you just got back? Can you stop-gap the last 9 months if one or several of your friends come here - maybe even have them stagger their trips to help you bide your time? A lot of people are MORE than happy to make/pay for the flight to Hawaii if they have an invitation for someplace to stay. If money is an issue, can you help them pay for the trip or use miles to pay for a ticket for them?
Ultimately, I know you're unhappy here and I'm sorry about that. However, I really think hubby might have some underlying valid concerns that you need to address before you just take off and leave him here. I've also had a number of times when I have strongly disagreed with my husband (Gee, that would be just TODAY!!);-D but ultimately I have to remind myself that I married him because he and I were both smart folks. As an intelligent man, I have to trust him enough to let him sort out the smart move - which he almost always does when we both share all the info we need.
Last thought, you can be short-term happy, and you might be right, but are those two things worth torpedoing what seems like an otherwise really healthy relationship? Talk to hubby and tease out the real reason he doesn't want you to go. You'll both be happier.
Best of luck, dear one.
Jen H.

Hi SL..I too am a military wife and Oahu is not my home. I understand not wanting to be somewhere so badly you just would rather give it all up to get the hell out of here. Been there and am there right now. I've been on Oahu 13 years and I am down right and completely over it. It is always the hardest when you first get back after having been home. Bottom line is, it is your husbands carrer and he cant leave whether he wants to or not. A lot of times they just dont seem sensitive enough to our unhappiness with where we are stationed but really it's more that they know there isnt much they can do about it. As a Military wife we have to sacrifice a lot to support our spouses but we knew when we got into it that we would be sent places we dont want to be. a year apart is a long time to voluntarily leave for. We all have enough seperation with deployments and such. Look at it from the point of view as you are with a whole family and that year will go by very fast if you just focus on other things. Do you have many friends out here? Hobbies, etc.Then again with 5 kids that year will fly by. Believe me I know how frustrationg it is..but we just got to be patient sometime. I have 8 more years on Oahu before we get to finally move home. 8 years is a very long time, but not so much since those 8 years were once 18. Me and the hubby have fought so much over it over the years and it just isn't worth it. Home will always be home, Take advantage of this last year and try to make it good..but you make that husband of yours understand how very unhappy you are and make him promise that when orders come up you all choose together because it is afterall... your life too! Good luck to you and head up..it will get better :)

May is only 8 months away. It will be here before you know it if you keep yourself busy with worthwhile activities. Focus on making your husband and children happy. The kids need a happy Mom who is supportive of their schooling and general well being. Your husband needs a happy supportive wife.

Keep in touch with your girlfriends with e-mail and phone calls. Of course you all would love to be neighbors for the rest of your lives, but one of them may have to move for her husband's work some day, and you'll know how to support her in keeping her family in focus also. Friends will come and go throughout our lives, but our families are what's most important.

Get active in church and/or the military wives' clubs, so that you can have many friends in many parts of the world as time goes on. There are people all around you right now that you may never have another opportunity to meet and get to know. Extend yourself to support other neighbors and young mothers who may be having a lonely day themselves.

Remember last Christmas? I can hardly believe the next one is almost here already! You have less time than that(since last Christmas) until May. You can do this! -and your husband and children will praise you for it.

J.

Hi I am a military wife. I was in the army and stationed in hawaii for my entire enlistment. It is where I met and married my husband and where both of my children were born. I got out of the military in February but my husband still has one year left in Hawaii. I have never felt at home here and always thought that I wanted to move back to Massachusetts where my entire family and all of my friends are. Well after I had my daughter in June I was suffering from postpartum depression and was going though a terrible time. Both my husband and family thought it would be best for me to go back to Massachusetts to have the help of my family and friends. I don't have many close friends in hawaii and my husband while supportive works alot. I have been back in Massachusetts for a few months and I am shocked to find how much I miss Hawaii, my husband, the people, the weather everything! We always thinkthe grass is greener on the other side. I just know that in my case I can't wait for my husband to come get me and bring me hme, because i realize my home is where ever he is and I spent too much wasted time wishing I was somewhere else that I did not fully enjoy the time I had there , I regret that now. Just some food for thought, from someone who knows what you are going through. Good luck and Godbless.