I will try to make this as short as possible. My niece (husband's side) just turned 19 in January. She has been living with her boyfriend for about a year and a half. They have set a wedding date about 3 times already and have changed it each time. The first 2 times, we were notified about 2 weeks before it was suppose to happen. This time, we were told about 6 weeks before the pending date of April 24 and she asked if our 6 year old daughter would be a 'flower girl' pulling a wagon with our great niece (her niece) in the wagon. The reason she wants our daughter to pull the wagon is because our 2 1/2 year old niece is just starting to walk. (I have addressed her problems in other questions on this board before). Back in Aug 09, our daughter signed up to be in a track meet for her school which we knew was sometime in April. You guessed it, it's the same day. Now the niece that is getting married has not really made an effort to come around us, spend time with our daughter or be part of family events since she has been with this guy. I don't know a single person in our family (including her parents, grand parents, siblings) that like this guy and are supportive of the pending marriage. I have tried to help encourage both of them to go to school and get a career before marriage. (He is 20 or 21 and works part time, she works part time also). On one rare weekend when our niece did stay with us to help babysit my daughter, all she did was complain that our daughter was 'crazy' and 'when can my boyfriend come over?' I understand the immaturity but the name calling and irresponsibility was too much to handle so I sent her home after buying her almost $150 worth of clothes which was to be payment for the babysitting that never happened. Ok, back to the dilemma. Should we have our daughter be in the wedding or stick with the track meet plans? At first my daughter said she wanted to do the track meet but she must have overheard me make comments about keeping peace in the family and going to the wedding since now she said she would be in the wedding. (BTW, my in-laws, grandparents to the bride said they would rather attend the track meet than the wedding!). My daughter is going to be a flower girl early next year for her dance instructor and she was a flower girl two years ago in our nephews wedding so it's not her only chance at being a flower girl. Unfortunately there is no way my daughter can do both, the wedding and track meet. The wedding is at 11am and the track meet is from 9-3. Please be kind in your answers. I guess I just need to know the opinions of those 'looking in' on the situation, not in the middle of it. THANKS!!
I vote track meet. Just explain the previous plans. It sounds like the probability of the wedding actually happening is low anyway.
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Even though your neice is young, and a bit flaky, this IS her wedding, and I think her family needs to respect that. I don't remember asking anyone if they had plans on certain days when I picked my wedding date. I think your family needs to attend the wedding. Now, if this was a 2nd or 3rd marriage, it would be a different story, but it's not, so just suck up your feelings and go to the wedding.
Not so much worried about what your neice thinks but, how will this affect the relationship with her parents...?
I was married at 19. No-one thought it would last and my dad actively discouraged my family from coming. Everyone thought I was a flake and young and we were both 'losers' for lack of a better word. Fast forward 20 years (yes, twenty!) and we're still together and now have two kids. And we're doing better than most, financially.
This is a decision you need to be able to live with, it's all I'll say.
She should be in the wedding. Blood id thicker than water, even if the relatives are crackpots! LOL
I'm really surprised at all of the "track meet votes". I'm sure this isn't her only track meet but it MAY be your niece's only wedding.
In a nice way, I'd make your niece aware that there was a conflict due to her wishy-washy changing of dates......
I guess I would just say to your niece that your daughter is busy that day with an event that was planned some time ago. Just explain that their 6 week notice was not enough time to be able to plan in the wedding. You hate to disappoint them but you have to do what is important to your daughter as that is your first priority. Seeming they seem to be quite flexible with their plans could they not plan it for a little more time in advance. I would not disrupt your family's plans or priorities over your nieces. I understand the keeping the peace in the family but people cannot just expect you to drop everything you have planned to do what they want you to do.
Do you really want to miss the Wedding? You really are not giving great reasons for missing a family wedding. Weather you like her choice for husband or not, family should be there to support this young bride to be. I am sorry but way back when.......we would never miss a family Wedding for anything. Its was an insult to the couple. Your six year old will have many events like a track meet.
If your daughter was going to be the real flower girl, I'd say go to the wedding and give her this thrilling opportunity, but she is being used to transport the actual flower girl down the aisle. She is an afterthought. If this track event is important to her, I would not choose the wedding (which as you've seen from wedding dates in the past might not happen as planned)
Since this is a niece on your husbands side of the family, perhaps you could take your daughter to the track meet and your husband could put in an appearance at the wedding?
Good luck
The way I look at it is like this....in 5 years, and let's just say the marriage works out and they're happily married, and she's grown up and turned out to be a loving adult....what are you going to look back on and think about that day? Would you think that missing her wedding for a track meet was acceptable and will you feel completely at peace with it? Or will you think back and say "why did I miss her wedding over a track meet?" Because if you weigh the two circumstances, I would think that when you look back 5 years, a wedding is going to completely trump a track meet. Even if she's kinda a brat now, you never know, she could end up being with this guy for the rest of her life.
The purpose of being in or at a wedding is to "support" the couple getting married. You clearly do not, and your daughter has prior responsibilities. I agree with every person who responded. Teach your daughter what is right by making sure you are both at the track meet and not the wedding of the immature niece who just wants the perfect party.
Family is forever, a 6 year olds track meet, not as important as family.
Your daughter needs to learn that families stick together. We all have had to make sacrifices of fun for family obligations, I know others have probably done the same for our family. It is just respect for ALL involved, not just flaky cousin.
She should be in the wedding. At 6 she will have many many more track meets. Also she will outgrow the ability to be a flower girl. You have this niece in your family for ever. The track meets will come and go but she will always be there. If you don't do the flower girl thing it will be brought up for ever that she "wanted".....your daughter but wouldn't let her. and chances are this wedding will fall by the wayside just like the last few times.
Can you hedge your bets? Maybe keep her signed up for the track meet just in case the wedding gets canceled/postponed again. (Hopefully, her teammates won't be too disappointed if she does go to the wedding.) Your niece sounds flaky. Your daughter will be fine with whatever you decide for her, but if I were you, I'd be a little upset if my daughter missed a track meet for a wedding that never took place.
Even though you're not close to your niece, I agree with the other posters that since she is family, you and your daughter should be at her wedding. The hurt feelings could linger forever if you don't go. I wouldn't feel compeled to attend any subsequent weddings of hers though ;-)
Track meet! Send a nice Congratulations card to your niece and her new husband - gift optional. Have them both over for dinner to celebrate at some later date.
Chances are this wedding won't happen either. :D
Ok. I might get grumbles here but since your niece is such a flake cancelling her wedding many times, can't you say to her, "hey my DD has a track meet same day as your wedding, not to be funny but are you still on track for that to happen?" yea she might be offended but come on she should realize there are doubts about the event happening. You say everyone is opposed to the wedding, this is a side bar but EVERYONE in my family hated my first real bf. I think I stayed with him longer than I would of because family had voiced how much they hated him. I was being defiant. If she has cancelled several times could be she doesn't want to marry him and doesn't know how to make the break without everyone telling her "told you so"
My stepdaughter was in a wedding and really she just wanted the pretty dress. The rest of the event (not a close friend...I declined to go, my husband went with his daughter) was boring for her especially since it wasn't family and there were few other kids.
Since the wedding has been changed many times and you don't even know if it will happen this time, I'd stick with the track meet and remind your daughter that there is another wedding she will be in. If this was your sister and you were really close, I'd skip the track meet, but under the circumstances, I'd RSVP your regrets. Many people don't make weddings for many reasons. An invite is not a mandate, and a request is just a request. If it doesn't work out, then don't go. I've not attended family weddings and the family hasn't disowned me. I also think that just because they're family doesn't give anybody the right to treat you poorly and expect your help anyway.
Stick with the track meet - your daughter has a prior commitment, and your niece is being irresponsible and childish.
have her do the track meet...no contest. your neice may want to waste certain experiences in her life but don't let your daughter just for this mistake of a wedding....have her run....and take first!!!! good luck!
I think you should go to the track event. That plan was made first and it will teach your daughter about responsibility: when you commit to something you should follow through with it.
Also consider that you could cancel your daughter's participation in the track event and then your niece could change the wedding date again. Would your daughter then miss out on the track event because she dropped out of it?
You did say she will have another chance to be a flower girl next year and you can explain that to her.
Good luck in making your decision, I know it must be a tough one.
