Dilemma with Father

Just tell him what you told him AGAIN. Don't get mad, just say it again and tell him the dates in the next few weeks that will work for you.

Blessings...

wow, be thankful you have a Dad who wants to come & visit!

My father passed away 18 months ago & I still want to pick up the phone & call him.

Quit picking & choosing.....learn to embrace him! & as another poster said - why not let him babysit while you're busy? !!

I wish my Dad were still alive to come and visit my kids, he passed away before I even had them...they never even had the chance to know him or him them! Even if that meant rearranging my schedule.

~Maybe Grandpa could watch the kids while you guys are dealing with the family member having surgery? Just a thought.

If you really do not want him to come now sounds like your gonna have to be blunt..."Sorry Pops, not this time, we need to pick a different week, I have a lot on my plate now"!

Let him come, be grateful he is trying to visit. You can make it work if you really wanted too. Call him, don't email him on things like this, if you truly truly can't this weekend, like because you are having back surgery or something major, then discuss with him when a good time is. Really, you only have to deal with it twice a year.... that's more than I get with my father who is deceased.

"I've changed everything around to accomodate your schedule-looking forward to seeing you."

Well, you asked for opinions from women who have issues dealing with a parent (ha, don't we all!)

Anyway, I am guessing you meant people who have strained or tense relationships with a parent, which I don't really have so maybe I don't count. But her's my opinion anyway.

If either of my parents wanted to come visit me, anytime, my door would be open. Imagine if you wanted to go visit your parents and they told you "no, we're busy, pick another weekend". This is family we are talking about. What, does he need to be entertained every second? As long as you laid out the details, that there is a major surgery going on for someone and you might be at a hospital, that the surgery ordeal may impact your ability to spend quality time with him... if he still wants to come, I say let him. Does he have really high standards or expectations of the amount of attention you can give him when he visits?

I mean really, what surgery is this and what family member, I feel we are not getting the full story. I can't imagine you would have your kids sitting vigil by someone's bedside in a hospital all weekend. Maybe this would be a good weekend to come, he would distract the little ones from the stress you and your husband will be dealing with from the surgery.

Also, don't write an email, call him.

In my opinion, having family and making time means making sacrifices to make it work. A relationship requires effort. And everyone needs to feel that they are worth the effort.
My sister rarely makes time for my dad. And, it really hurts his feelings. He is the only one making any effort at all in the relationship. I can't tell you how angry it makes my mom. He lives about an 8-10 hour drive away and he's 70, so that's a BIG deal. He doesn't do it very often. And she RARELY goes to see him - I think once, maybe twice, in the last ten years. Once he went for something else (a reunion I think) and was going to be within an hour of her. He let her know in advance and said he'd like to get together for dinner or something, he wasn't even staying there! And she was too busy and couldn't fit him in!!! Seriously?!!!
If this is when he wants to come, then CALL him and say "We are so excited you are coming. I just want you to know in advance that this is a really busy time for us and we may not be around as much as you like. We have the surgery and blah blah blah. But if you're okay with that, then sounds great! If you'd rather have more time with us and you can come another time, how about next week (or whenever)?"

I would write back that i was sad that you could not host him and that you will miss him. Also tell him that you hope to see him soon or whenever his next 6 month visit traditionally is.

At least he is asking you when he can visit, my grandfather just called when he arrived in town and said "I am crashing at your place"... he lived over a 1000 miles away... Once he even showed up while we were on vacation... that was really funny.

I disagree with the folks who say "let him come anyway." This isn't the weekend your kid has some big ball game; it's the time that someone is having SURGERY which is stressful enough without your having to juggle Dad and his needs. If he won't listen to your clearly stated words that these specific dates do not work because of a surgery, he probably won't listen if he comes and you ask him to be quiet because the patient's sleeping (if the patient's in your home), or to stay out of this or that room so the person can rest.

I'd phone rather than e-mail and let him know (not confrontationally, but directly and firmly), "We do love to see you and I know you love the grandkids, but this weekend is right after X's surgery and we can't host you or anyone. You said to let you know if that works and it does not work for us. The following weekends would be great..." And give him a slew of very specific dates and follow it with an e-mail with the same dates in it, so he has it in writing. And give him a time frame - "Please let me know by Sunday what weekend works for you. The kids are excited to see you, we'll arrange some special outings when you do come," etc.

Not sure if you and the kids can go see him if he's only a short plane ride away. If you can, do so sometimes, so you set the dates and departures. It's great that he does want to see the kids even if it's not super-often, but you also cannot let him dictate visits that truly are intrusive.

I would call him vs. email him and explain this weekend isn't a good one, and explain that if he came it wouldn't work this time, but ask for another date further out so you can plan.

My dad die when I was young but still didn't have a close relationship at all.
So first I think is great you have one dad that cares, I do have a good step dad.
Second, since I don't have a dad if I change your question to "mom" instead of "dad", I will be happy to have her here any time any day.
I also get to see my mom once or twice per year and is nothing I can think to don't let her come here, even if I was in a big trouble I would love to have her here for support.
Maybe you are upset at your dad for other bigger reasons? You must have your reasons and I hope you can talk them over when you see him.
If you totally can't him over I would at least call him (no mail) and arrange another time for him to come.

Whatever you choose to respond - DO NOT do it in an email. Pick up the phone and call him!

I don't know the dynamic with your dad - but in my case, I would say that he is always welcome. I would follow that with we are busy with lots of things that week and he is welcome to come, but the family had commitments and events planned. He can come along, but don't plan on us being able to change our schedule for him that week.

How old is your dad? Lately my dad has started reminding me of my kids. I am talking to Troy about something my dad just starts talking to me about something else. I want to put my hand up like I do to my kids. :(

I really do think he hasn't a clue how annoying he is, he is just being his age. Doesn't help that he is lonely as heck since my mom died.

Well - maybe he thinks that you will change things since that is the only time that he can do it - if you can't/don't want to then don't - just send him back a nice response "I really wish we could see you, but we have already made plans that I cannot change. So sorry we will miss you, hope it works out better next time - Love You"

That is what I would do if I didn't want to change my plans, but chances are, if I only saw my dad a couple times a year, I would do my best to change my plans!

Reply, No, I am very sorry dad, but it just doesn't work. Maybe if you have some time free up later we can try then.

stay firm.

My dad is a little self centered.... pretty much the talker and not the listener....wants things his way and makes clear of his opinions. It is a good thing we live far away from one another. We too.... see one another 2 times a year. He gives me 2 days and so I will give him 2 days. He does not seem to need or want anything more. I have learned to stand my ground and not bend for him. He is in and out of my kids life, has no clue who they are and tries to "teach them" rather then "play with them." I can go on and on and on.
So I guess I can really understand your situation in the little you said.

But it may seem like what the other L. said.... He thought it would change your mind if you knew that he can't come any other time. It is all about what is convenient for him I guess. I just don't know the situation enough to judge that is where your dad is heading in this.... My dad, however would do the same exact thing !

Sigh, it does sound like he thought by saying this is the only weekend that works for him would force you to give in. Really, the only weekend ever? I say simply tell him again it does not work for you because of your relative having surgery, but send a list of weekends that would be good for you AND ask him to let you know in a certain amount of time which of those weekends he wants to come for, so you can make plans. It's not like you're "putting him off" for a shopping trip or something, your family member is having SURGERY!

Hmmm ... sounds like maybe your dad really needs to see you or speak with you? Why is he so insistent when he has a history of coming only twice a year? If it was me, I'd tell him that he could come but that since a family member is having surgery he will have to work around that family members needs and fend for himself while staying with you because you will be busy (I think that's what you meant in your message). I wouldn't turn him away because in the end you and your kids don't see him that often. Good luck!

I lost my father a year and half ago and would do ANYTHING to have him visit me and my kids during an "inconvenient" time in my life.. The fact that he asked to come and stay with you is him reaching out, even if it is not a good time for you. Just a different pint of view..