We live in a neighborhood of small townhouses with gardens where the kids all play out back together. There is one mother a few doors down who I suspect is mentally ill, though still by in large functional. She has decided I am "out to get her" and that my daughter is "ruining the friendship" between her daughter and my daughter's best friend. My daughter is terrified of this woman and with good reason. If she percieves a slight to one of her children, spoiled and difficult girls themselves, she lashes out at whatever child she thinks did her kids wrong, yelling and screaming. All the neighbors have had really unpleasant arguements with this woman trying to make it clear to her that she may not scream at our kids, or us for that matter. Nothing works. It has gotten to the point where I hate even seeing her car parked in the on-street parking in front of her house because it reminds me of her and how awful she is. Crazy, I know. Obviously I need to do something or she will ruin my enjoyment of what is otherwise a really great neighborhood.
But what can or should I do? We tried an intervention, where one of the dads went over and talked about the issue with her and her live-in boyfriend, also the father of the girls. Things have improved some, but not enough. I have told my kids to simply walk away and come get me if she lights into them again, but of course that is really hard for a kid, since she screams "Where are you going?!? Get back here!" at their retreating backs.
We all own our homes and she is renting hers. Is it ethical to contact the landlord and tell him what a problem she is here? Is there anything else I can do? I am truly at the end of my rope.
I wanted to update this section, since things have changed for the better a bit. I decided to take the highroad and be an example to my kids. At a recent block party (which she had almost ruined with her bizarre attempts to protect her kids by yelling at ours) she came very late and sat alone. When I got up to get myself another drink, I called over to ask if I could get her one too. The response was amazing. She looked shocked, puzzled and pleased all at the same time. I noticed her later observing me interact with the other neighbours. Slowly, slowly she moved towards the group and me until she will sitting at the same table right next to me. I made an attempt to include her in the conversation, which was mildly successful. Since then things have been running smoothly. I know it won't last, but I wanted to say thanks to all of you who encouraged me to set an example for my own kids. It worked great, for the short term at least.
Hi S.,
I would contact the owner. Maybe he can get a new tenant.
Good luck it is hard to live with a neighbor you don't like. Especially in such close quarters.
J.
All the advice you've gotten so far is right on the mark. If calling the police does not work however, you might need to get child services involved. The very best of luck to you and the neighborhood.
This sounds like a terrible situation! Whether or not the woman is mentally ill, the way she is behaving toward other people's children is totally inappropriate. I would definitely call the landlord. And I would also call the police the next time she yells at someone's child. And then every time after that! You shouldn't have to endure behavior like that, and neither should anyone else in the neighborhood. And I think in the meantime, until something good comes out of this situation, I think it would be appropriate to have another parent always be in earshot when the kids are outside together, to either intervene if she does get inappropriate, or to be a witness who can talk to the police. I would be careful what you say about her in front of or to your kids, too, so they don't feel caught in an adult situation that might interfere with their friendships. Good luck. (We have a bad neighbor too, I know how awful it is to buy a great house in a great neighborhood and then get crappy behavior toward your kids from a neighbor).
S.,
I feel so sorry for your girls to have to be subjected to such harassment. If I were in your shoes I would do two things, first call the police and have your daughters or even one of them tell the officer that they are afraid (feel threatened)and then by law they must arrest her, especially because they are minors, the other thing I would do is yes call her landlord and see if he would speak with her, if is is able he may be able to start eviction papers and get that whack-o out of the unit. In all the years that I have lived in our home I have yelled at a neighbor's son once and that was because he was cutting through my yard to go to the bus stop and grabbed my Bichon by his run and kicked his head repeatedly. I also called the police and dog warden to file a complaint. That was 23 years ago and to this day this kid is still in trouble with the law constantly. In my case I think it was done only to get him to stop hurting my dog, who by the way had to be put down due to brain damage caused my this kid.
Hugs,
T.
Hey S.,
If this women is as unstable as you say I would call the police for every altercation you and your neighbors have with her. The best way to built a case against her is a paper trail which basically is filling an incident report each time. If the police are called enough then maybe you can put some type of restraining order against her to protect your children and the neighborhood children. I am not sure I would approach her myself if she is that unstable who knows what she could do. I also would start a neighborhood watch if you will where one parent is always present outdoors when the children are playing. Have each parent take a turn so the children are supervised at all times and protected from this women. Who knows if she will misinterpret something and go after one of the kids. With the nice weather coming the children will likely be outdoors more and the problems will likely worsen. It is better to be cautious in this type of a situation then to have regrets later. When dealing with someone who may be mentally ill anything can happen so I think it is better to be safe then sorry. Good luck!!!
One thought. What about trying "killing her (bad attitude) with kindness" so to speak. You and the neighborhood make a point to be kind, caring and try to make her a friend. She may be angry if she feels left out. Also try a neighborhood Pot Luck and see where that gets you.
You may not know what happens behind closed doors and she in a mean way may be looking/hoping for help and a friend. It's been said many times "you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar". She may be the vinegar but try loving her to kindness if she is just a grump. If she is physically violent then you may have to get the cops involved.
If she is harrasing you and your children or others for that matter the cops may have to be called. If they came and spoke with her about her behavior she might change BUT she might not or she might get worse. If she is ever physical against ANYONE call the Police right away.
Good Luck! A.
Repay evil with kindness.
Invite her over for coffee. Swallow your pride and be the better person. The least she can do is say no.
Nanc
Have one of the Dads talk to this womens live in boy friend again....this time,let him know if she keeps behaving like this with the neighborhood children, their landlord will be contacted....
If this neighbor's landlord is contacted it should be done in writing and signed by all the neighbors...a copy of it should also be giving to the police department asking them to keep it on file...
You and your neighbors should arrange play days so that the children are more supervised....if playing out doors, the children should be asked to stay close to the house asigned to that play day and the adult of that home should keep an eye on them often. Let the children know if there is any up roar at all, one of them should go into the house and get an adult.
A lot of years ago I had an experience with a neighbor ...the children did not get along and one day one of them came running into the house all up set.... telling me they had just hosed down my neighbor with water. When I asked why, I was told they had asked the neighbors children to leave our back yard because they weren't behaving. Their Mom came out to defend her children and began hitting mine...so they hosed her down to get her to stop. I then heard more of the same so I ran out and caught her at it...this women was inraged..swinging her arms and fits at the children as they tried keeping the hose under control on her......I tapped the women on the back and when she turned...I hauled off and hit her so hard, she fell over... I told the children to shut off the water and to get in the house and they did. The women got up saying she was going to call the police....I said good, I'll be waiting for them as I'll be pressing charges for Child Abuse. The police never came...but later that day when her husband came home...I heard him and mine exchanging words....her husband said the next time your wife hits mine, she'll have to deal with me and when I get done, she wont look so pretty.....Mine said, "Ok.. but remember, for me and mine, I KILL so be very sure about your decisions and keep your wife and children out of my back yard." Things were peaceful after that...they stayed in their yard, we stayed in ours...none of us actually talked until the children got much older and became friends...but I made sure anything I said was directed at the husband, not her as I beleived the women was nuts...
Don't allow your situation go that far...I wasn't exactly proud of the way I delt with it...it's best to get together with your other neighbors on supervising the children better....
S.,
If she is scaring and upsetting your children with her behavior, I definitely don't think you would be out of line to complain to the landlord about her behavior!
Today its only yelling at them, but what about tomorrow, and the day after that? If the woman is mentally ill, she could actually be a threat to the neighborhood children, and to her own.
If I were you, I would talk to the other mothers in the neighborhood, to see if they are having the same issues with her, and, if so, you could all go together to speak to your landlord. That way is won't seem as if you're blowing things out of proportion, if others besides you are having the same problem.
D.
Hi!
My advise is to definately call the owner!! If he is unresponsive, you should then all the board of directors, or managing agent for the complex. You, as the owner of your unit, should not have to deal with someone who is only a renter and is behaving this way.
(my mom is a real estate paralegal and this is also her advise!)
Good luck!
Definitely tell her landlord! At the very least, he should know that he's responsible for ruining the neighborhood vibe. LOL
Seriously, though...I think that's your only option. Either that, or host playdates inside your home...and don't invite her!
I think this is one of the hardest situations to get through, I know it was a very hard thing for our family. We lived in a house for 7 years & then came the neighbors from hell - they're daughters would put their noses up against our windows to look in, they would break all of our daughter's toys, not to mention one of them pushed her off the monkey bar on her swingset and cracked our daughter's tooth in half. We ended up moving because we exhausted all of our options - we contacted family services about how they would go out all day long & leave their bedridden daughter alone, the youngest would go into people's cars & work trucks looking for stuff - it was a total invasion of our property, but the difference was that they owned the house - I would imagine that you could speak to the landlord b/c that's not fair to you or your children. We still live in the same town & everytime I see the family I get so disguisted - that house was our life - our dreams - but what finally did it was the youngest girl spitting in my daughter's face. I think we had the "For Sale" sign up w/in 20 mins of that. Well, good luck!
S.,
Completely ethical. The landlord may not know what is going on.
Good luck,
M.
I think that you already are handling this pretty well. This is a good learning opportunity for your children. Let them know that some people have mental problems that they can't control & that it is ok to walk away from her because violence and yelling are not acceptable behaviors. Arguing with people like that is a waste of time so if you must engage her just tell her once that you can not allow her to yell at your children and walk away. That sets a good example for your kids and hers.
Maybe the landlord will chose not to renew her lease if enough people complain. You can get your neighbors to write letters to the landlord to let him know what is happening. That kind of tennant is a potential liability. We all have to deal with people like this from time to time. Take the high road as best you can & try not to let her get to you. It sounds like she truly is mentally ill. Make sure you document all incidents just in case.
S. that is a difficult one. If you think 'talking' to her or her boyfriend as an option has been exhausted, my next step would be telling her that if she addresses you or your kids one more time you;ll call the police on her. I wouldn't involve the landlord only because I don't think there's anything he/she can do. Police is a different matter. Tell her once that is what you will do and if it happens again that's what you do, call the police. She sounds insane to me, and I would not want to be arguing with her.
good luck
The landlord is definitely the route I would go... I would not worry much about ethics when she is screaming at your kids! Obviously she is not worried about ethics. Personally, I believe if you've attempted to resolve it yourself with no outcome, mentally ill or not, something should be done. I know getting involved in another person's life can be messy, but if she can treat your kids and others like that, imagine how she treats hers behind closed doors? She sounds bi-polar, not healthy for anyone raising children. If the landlord is unresponsive, go to the authorities if necessary. Not only am I a mother of two, but I used to be a property manager of an income based apartment complex- otherwise a very nice complex if not for some awful tenants! Any measures are worth peace of mind and tranquility in your home, for yourself and your kids!
Good luck- and don't take no for an answer from anyone!
I think you "MUST" contact the landlord. You don't know what this woman is capable of doing. It is alright for a parent to warn a child in that child's behavior is eratic...however when she decides to take it upon herself to parent your child(ren) WRONG!!!!
Because you are not the only one having an issue with this woman--I am sure other's have complanined about her as well.
You must keep record of all the verbage she has used with your child as well as with you. Keeping records is a good idea in case something bad really happens. Also good to keep the dates and times of these incidents. Also when reporting these issues to the landlord. It shows a legal approach instead of an emotional approach. This keeps you protected as well. I am sorry this is happening to your family. I am sure when this mother gets a grip or a life whatever comes first she will be too busy to harass your child(ren). GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
