Did We Do the Right Thing in Letting Him Go?

I have been on both sides of the fence. I had a step parent and my children did also. I was a single teenage mom for awhile. I now have grandchildren. I would like to say with extreme sincerity you may be the problem. Often you stepping in and voicing an opinion can cause him to resent not only you but his father. It does not matter the relationship you two have or if your both wonderful parents. I always advised my spouse to pick his fights. What is petty and what is worth battling the teen over. I had three. I would approach him differently and watch your tone and words remember he is at an age where kids rebel. He is between man and boy. Tell him we want to atart treating you as a man however there are responsibilities that go along and start out with small things. dont ridicule him as a liar. Telling him truthfullness is important to you future character. Sit down as adults and discuss let him tell you whats on his mind. Openly and without critizing. Remember you are the adults and how you deal with his issues are how he will deal with issues as an adult. I suggest the father not you call the ex and calmly come to an understanding. You cant blame kids sometimes they are mirrors of what they are exposed to how they see others act. You can either send him into the world that is so screwed up with drugs and killing or be patient and work through this. There are no easy answers only trial and error. Be good to each other and you will reap the harvest of good seeds. Good luck and God bless.

Hello C.,

For the little bit of information you gave, it seems as if things are very confrontational in your house for this teenager. He is seventeen years old and you and your husband are doing things that can be construed as hurtful, damaging and negative to a developing young adult, like taking away his mode of communication and transportation, just because you can.

It seems as if there is a power struggle going on between Adults and Children...the children are going to be the losers every time. They lose a potential loving relationship with their parent. They lose respect for those who should be listening and looking for clues instead of forcing this young person to explain every little action they take.

If conversations in your home tend to begin with "Why did you (fill in the blank)? more often than "how was your day? "whats going on in your world?" or "how are things going for you?" then it might be time to seriously examine your part in the so-called lying incidences of your 17 year pre-Adult.

Sometimes its painful to admit the part we play in forcing children to commit acts they would rather not be bothered with. For instance? You seem to care much more about the expense of the video game equipment you purchased for the 17 year old, than how much more he would enjoy it where-ever he goes (since its his).

I don't get the concept of buying him something but mandating that he can only enjoy it at your house. They make carrying cases for that kind of equipment precisely so it can be transported to vacation homes, hotels, or wherever your 17 year old might find himself.

I would rather this boy play video games than to see him get so mad at his father and new wife that he decides to go on a shooting rampage at a local school.

Causing a child to run off without any form of communication device can imperil his life by causing him to become a mark for criminals. Get in control of your lives and build a better relationship with this young person that needs normalcy and direction in his life before its too late, because it seems all the adults around him are spinning out of control.

Rethink your rigidness and tendency to interrogate rather than communicate.

Sincerely,
Angie

I think there has to be a point when you "cut the apron" strings and let them out into the real world and let them see that if you contiune on the destrucive path they are on that they are going to be the onces to face the consequences of their actions, by now he knows what he's doing is wrong & there comes a point when you just have to let him fall on his face, just let him know you guys will always be there to help him up when he needs it.

I agree with what everyone else has said totally. It's time to cut the apron strings & let him go. BUT, I would add to that, just make sure that you & your husband don't allow yourselves to "react" towards him for his decision, but "act" towards him. Show him love when you do see him & make sure he sees the love, but the strong front that you & your husband have. He needs to know that you two are united in your decision. Now 1 other small bit of advice, his moving out has really put you in the drivers seat! Yeah for you! He isn't going to be happy being at moms with no rules. Yes, for the moment that's all good. But he really does WANT the boundries. So when he wants to move back, which he will, whether that be today or tomorrow or 1 yr from now, he will want to come "home", & when he does, you can plant your rules & the ONLY way that he can move back is under "these conditions". Then you can do the contract someone mentioned that he signs & agrees, there will be no lying, no cursing, no temper tantrums, but you are now an adult & will ACT like an adult & we will be your mentor into adulthood, but YOU are the responsible adult here now, so expected to act like one. Good luck! But stand firm. This is YOUR home & you can expect him to live your rules!

Wow, I can't imagine how hard this must be. I don't really have any advice from experience, just having an infant myself,but I know that my husband was incredibly rebellious as a teen - and his parents weren't even divorced. He snuck out, got drunk, stole, hung out with a bad crowd, etc. When he turned 18 he moved out even though he was still in high school. I don't think his parents knew what to do with him, and making him stay wasn't going to solve it. All I can say is pray for him and hope that he will eventually come around. My husband ended up going to college and flunking out and moving back in with his parents when he was 20. They don't have a perfect relationship by any means, but it's much better. I think some kids are just more troublesome than others, no matter what you do. And it can't help having a divorce situation where one parent lets him do whatever he wants. Best of luck to you. I hope you get some good advice.

Growing up, my parents had trouble with my brother similar to your story. Have you tried counseling? For the 17 year old and for his mom and your husband. They have to be on the same page as his parents. You can't ever give up on a child. There's never a point when that's the answer. If he doesn't have his parents fighting for him who will? It sounds like his parents obviously aren't on good terms and I'm sure that hasn't helped his disposition or the cultivation of bad habits over the years. This isn't his fault, he's a child still. So his father and mother and you need to find another option because as hard as this situation is, giving up on him isn't the right one. It's not too late. All children ever want is to know that they matter and that they are loved. I hope you encourage your husband to establish a better relationship with his ex for the sons sake and also encourage him to not ever give up on any of his children. If it was your 2 year old 15 years from now don't you know in your heart that you would do anything to make it better? I really wish the best of luck to you and as much strength as you can muster to keep fighting this fight WITH the 17 year old and not against him. :)

This sounds more like an issue between real mother and step then the boy. I suggest you let dad and mom deal with his issues between them for now and family counseling. blending families are difficult at best.

I do understand what you are going thru, I was a this child a long time ago. I will tell you my parents just let me go and I learned to live on my own. Move back a few years later with a different outlook on life. Today I have a good relationship with my parents and I loved them. Sometimes you have to do the tough love in order for your children to learn. I truly feel you should let him go live with his mother let her get a taste of his actions. If she feels she can do a better job (not that she can) then let her. Less grief on you. Best wishes