Did I Act Wrong?

Opinions of others would be the least of my concerns. Did his dislike for his school start recently? What do you think was the real cause? Have his grades always been like this? There are a lot of questions here that only you know the answer to. 14 is a tough age and as I said, we really might not know the whole truth to the story.

I think he would have gone more and more down in grades and he'd have started acting out in a big way. Unless he wants to be in the service I can't imagine a kid wanting to go to an ROTC program school.

I think you did the right thing. Time will tell. If he picks up his grades and if he is happier then he will do better.

You've already made the decision. You'll just have to wait and see. You've told him what you expect of him.

It's easy for others to tell you that you screwed up. I wouldn't listen to them. I think as moms, we should trust our gut more. You know your son best. You must have thought this through before making your decision. You don't need to defend your choice, just give yourself some credit for knowing what's best for your son.

If it turns out he doesn't do well or doesn't like this school - then that's to do with your son. And at 14, he will have to take ownership of that. You've done what you could.

I'd ignore the people telling you you did wrong. Or tell them to worry about their own children.

Who knows. Such is the nature of decisions you will not know until you go down that path. You thought the ROTC school would be a good fit, it wasn't but you wouldn't have known that until he went there. If his grades don't go up then you know it was the child not the choice.

I figure this as a parent...the kids I gave birth to are mine. I get to make the decisions on what is best for them and not anyone else. I decide what school they go to, what medicine they take, what activities they do, etc. Get my drift? It's on YOU as the parent to make the decisions - and as an adult, you probably shouldn't care what others are saying. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I have three teenage boys and one about to be a teenager. There is no such thing as "peace" in a home. There will always be conflict of some kind or another.

In my opinion? You should have stood your ground and told your son to shape up and stay in school. My oldest had a LOT of problems adjusting to life in Georgia after our move here. He was a freshman and making a LOT of bad decisions. So much so that the police got involved. Things changed. We did family counseling and we did personal one-on-one counseling. Now, 3 years later? He's an honor role student and being looked at by several local universities (Georgia Tech, University of Georgia and Emory) for his sports and academics. Can this happen with home schooling? Yes. You just have to dedicate yourself and your son must be dedicated to hard work. It sounds like he's not ready to grow up and put in the effort. He wants things handed to him. As long as you keep giving him his way? He will not grow up and he will not learn to put in the work necessary.

He doesn't like his teachers? Too bad. did you like all of your teachers throughout your education? I know I did not! Do I like everyone? No. I don't. Does everyone like me? No. That's life. Suck it up buttercup.

Where do you go from here? You tell the people who are telling you that you are raising him wrong? If they want to contribute to his life? Their opinions are more than welcome. If they don't have a financial stake in his upbringing? Sit down and shut up.

G.,

first off - it's JROTC - Junior Regional Officer Training Corps - NOT ROTC - which is for college students.

You sound like a VERY YOUNG mother who doesn't know how to stand her ground.

Where is his father in all of this?

You want peace in your house? Then stop acquiescing to your son's "wants" and lay down the rules and the consequences for breaking those rules.

By allowing him to get his way - you have taught your son that if he whines loud and long enough, no matter how much you say NO! that you will bend to his will. That's what your son has learned from this.

If you a comfortable with your decision - who cares what other people think or feel? They aren't the ones walking in your shoes. However, since you appear to be a single mother - how are you home schooling him and working at the same time? HOW are you going to be able to provide for the family because HE WANTS a change?

If this were me? I would have told my son that this is life. We don't like everyone and we don't get our way all the time. I EXPECT you to do well in school and to do your best.

The consequences for "F's"?? More tutoring. Work with the teachers and find out what he needs. However, now that you've bent to him, he now has control and feels like he can rule the roost. Good luck with that mama!!

Decisions have consequences. Some good some bad. Peace in your home? Sweetie, you have a teenager!!! Would I have done this? No, I would not have but not my monkey, not my circus. Good luck! I think you and he are going to need it.

If you ask any question about your actions as a parent, a lot of people will tell you did the right thing, and equal number will tell you the wrong thing. And, then a bunch of people will tell you that they sympathize with you but don't have an answer.

You did your best at the time with the information you had. I like this: "The best you can do is the best you can do." We are going through some major trials with our son, and I remind myself: This is a chapter, it is not the whole book.

Do you have a school counselor or family therapist you trust? I think sometimes it is very hard to separate emotions in these kinds of situations and if there is a school counselor or even a favorite teacher who knows him, he/she might be able to help. I know our son will tlel his therapist things he won't tell us.

Often the problem is the person, not the place. By not figuring out whether the problem was your son or the school, all you may have done is changed the location of his problems. I guess you will know if he starts skipping class and flunking at this school, too. I wonder if the people who are "judging" are simply pointing out that the problems are still going to exist no matter what school he is at - which isn't quite the same as judging.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what other think, though. Kids don't come with instructions and we are all just doing the best we can as parents. The good news is the people who are "judging you" don't have to raise your kid . . . you do.

Good luck!

You do what YOU think is best for YOUR kid and YOUR family.
Judgy people can be invited to sit down and stfu.

What "people" are judging you? How is this anyone else's business?
I'm not sure if you did the right thing or not, because I'm not in your situation. If you are struggling or unsure with your choices it may help to get the school counselor involved, because they can give you professional, unbiased and unemotional advice and perspective.

I read home school to mean public school in the district.their home is in.

I do not think you did wrong!. You had options and you chose this one. One option would have been to keep him in the school he was now attending. There is no way of knowing if that would be better. He has lessons to learn. He could learn them at his old school or at his neighborhood school.

I suspect a common reason that others say that staying in the previous school would be better because the problem is likely to be more about the child than the school. Some will say that change is not his decision to make and you're giving in to him instead of taking a stand. I suggest deciding to keep a child in the same school works for some and doesn't work for others. ONLY you know what is right for you.

I suggest that the decision is not easy. And that you are the only one who knows yourself and what might work best for you and your son. STARTING over in a different school has it's advantages. You're giving him the opportunity to learn important life lessons. He may learn that his unhappiness is caused by more than just what school he attends. He may learn that blaming others does not help him. HE has the potential to learn skills in managing his feelings and how to make decisions based on more than just feelings.

I agree with letting him know that this school is it. No more transfers. You set an important boundary that will help him learn.

The tricky part now is to find out what is going on with your son. I suggest you work with a counselor to find this out. Changing schools will not fix the issues facing him. He will find that this school will still be challenging. He will face new challenges that change always present. He will still need to bring his grades up. HE still needs to show you respect. I suggest that getting professional help is important. Parenting a teen is seriously challenging. Teens are facing a more complex life than the teens of previous generations. Parents can have difficulty in managing their own lives as well as their children's. Peace is possible. Achieving peace takes skills many of us have'nt learned.

I suggest that building a cooperative relationship is important to having a mea sure of peace. . Effective communication is important. I suggest reading this book by Eleanor Faber and ....... can help. THE title is How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and How To Listen so Teens Will Talk.

DOn't let what other parents think undermine your confidence. YOUR decisions are unique to you and based on your situation. WE ask for advice. In the end, the decision is ours to make. MY belief is that there isn't one "right" way to learn. FEAR cripples us. WE decide, then proceed, learning as we go along.

my dear, you need some starch in your spine.

it sounds as if you've already abdicated parenting in favor of 'peace in the house', which is counterproductive, and now you want help because of people judging you negatively for waffling about with his schools.

if you've got a rebellious teenager who's content with terrible grades, your chances for peace in the house over the next several years are already dashed.

give up that unicorn dream and instead turn your energies to belatedly figuring out your son. by the time he's 14 you should have a pretty good grasp on what kind of learner he is, what sorts of things motivate him, and how to engage him. if you're still in the dark, then make your study of him your main job.

my kids DID get a say in how and where they schooled, but they didn't have the final word. my younger did not want to homeschool, and i made sure i listened to his reasons, and explained mine simply but carefully for overruling him. he was unhappy for the first few months (and yes, i was knotted up inside hoping i was doing the right thing) but it ended up being a good gamble.

you need to dispassionately consider your son's needs, his future goals and his personality, you need to discuss it with him, and ultimately you need to send him to the school you think is best for him.

for me it would never be an option to give a teenager an ultimatum like 'no more applying for choice schools because you moved once.' there's a balance between leaping wildly between choices, and giving one choice a really good try, and everyone's line will differ to some degree. figure out how much flexibility you can live with, but don't rule out ALL flexibility.

you've got an adult teetering on the edge here. now is not the time to zone out and crave peace. you need to forget being popular with him OR these random people judging you, and do what's best for this child at this time.

be his mom.
khairete
S.

I think your answer will show in the results. If he does well and thrives in the new school, then it will be clear that you made a great decision.

If he still doesn't do well, then the problem may not be with the schools and he might need a counselor or some other type of help. You can deal with that if it ever comes.

you've made the decision and change, right? what does it matter what I think? If I say you were wrong, are you going to flip-flop again?

If it were me? I would have told my son that he needed to suck it up. I would have made him set up a meeting with his counselor and teachers to find out what the problem was and have him learn to work through it. He can't run away from everything.

The next time he doesn't like someone? What are you going to do? Are you going to just sit back and say "sure dear. just walk away and all will be well?" When is he going to learn to deal with people and situations? Allowing him to dictate what happens with his schooling is abdicating control to him. Are you the parent or is he?

I wonder....how are you going to work and home school him?

Honestly, the only people that should matter is you and your son. So what if others don't agree with you. It is going to happen a lot. I also think a teen should have some say in their schooling. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be making that college decision now if I made all decisions with no input from my teens during their growing years. Now that the change has been made for your son, he needs to step up. 14 is pretty much the age of rebellion, when they start really taking steps of independence. But you have to remain in charge.

Parenting 101. Try not to spend too much energy revisiting decisions that have been made.

Parenting 102. Do not listen to advice after you have made a decision. It's over. Period.

Spend all your energy making this decision work. If you are worried about your decisions, you could join parenting classes to receive tips on how to make decisions and make them well. All my best.

I think you did the right thing. I truly believe that high schoolers should have significant choice involved in the school they attend, provided it doesn't impose a financial or other burden on the family. Why should a student stay at a specialized school if he is miserable and not finding success if there is another option? It doesn't matter how much "better" one school is compared to another. Maybe this school looked really good on paper, and maybe it is really a great school. And also, the totally wrong school for your son. Don't listen to other people judging you.

You did right be telling him he now must stand by his choice and stay at the home school, no more switching. If the issues are his, he will still have work through them at the home school. But if he is happier there, he's got a much better chance to be successful.

For right now - so far so good.
IF he starts in with the same routine of bad grades and excuses and whines about not getting along with teachers - then he doesn't get to change schools again.
Learning how to work with a teacher that you don't get along with can sometimes be a valuable experience - because through out life - there's ALWAYS SOMEBODY (a boss, a neighbor, etc) that you have to learn how to work through your issues and come to a mutual understanding.
Don't worry about what others are saying about the situation.
You don't owe them information or explanations.

There is no right answer for this situation. You acted because you are concerned about your son.

Trust your mother instincts.

Just because a program has a wonderful reputation does not mean it is right for everyone. He may thrive in a different environment.