Decision About When to Have Second Child

Hi L.. Just some info for you.
My mom is an only child and is the most well rounded, down to earth person I know. She is extremely close to her parents - and as I kid I saw them all the time even though the lived out of state.
My father is one of NINE kids, and they all fight, some of them are not speaking to each other and haven't in years. I hardly ever saw his parents and they lived much closer to us.
My sister and I are close in age and happen to be the best of friends. My friend has a sister who is 4 years younger and they are very close as well. My other friend has 3 siblings, 7,8 and 10 years older and are all extremely close despite the age difference. As a matter of fact she is closest to the one who is 10 years older.
So you are right - there is no real answer.
Take all the time you need. Having a family who can support each other emotionally and financially will make you closer than the years in age.
Good luck!

Hi L., I have 3 daughters, ages 24,22, and 16. Having the 2 older kids close together, although I love them dearly, was difficult for us. They were very competative for my attention, and there was much sibling rivalry between them. Taking them out by myself was difficult and taxed my patience. I look back and feel sad that I didn't allow more time with my oldest before having the 2nd. Six years later we decided to have another go at a baby.

It was truly a joy. I was able to spend much more time holding and playing with this baby. The big sisters adored her and were a great help to me. We always say we raised her together. My older daughters are great role models and confidants to their younger sister and they have a great time together. The other 2 are done with college. Having 2 in college at the same time was very costly. Now we have 2 years before college expenses return .

What ever you decide will work out for you. As long as kids know how much they are loved they survive their ordinal positioning in the family. Best Wishes

Hi L. - As you and others said, the right time to have another is a mix of what's right for your marriage AND what ends up happening. You could try for another to be a certain age difference from your first and find it happens later than you planned. In other words, you can only plan so much! That being said, the fact that you are having marital and financial issues is a little concerning because a baby adds stress to both of those. I found when I had my youngest that the difference going from one to two kids was FAR more stressful and severe than I thought it would be!! Sure, I had only just done the infant thing 22 months prior, and it was fresh in my mind, but it was far more difficult for me to get my groove after my youngest was born. I just felt so torn between the two kids and so overwhelmed. After about 9 months, it did get a lot better, but if my husband and I hadn't worked as a team, it would have been complete insanity for me. My girls are now 3.5 years and 20 months, and I have accepted the crazy pace of our lives but I've adjusted too, so the daily routine is a little easier. I definitely feel that my husband and I need to work harder at making time together and focusing on us as a couple whenever possible. When we don't, we tend to bicker more and feel stressed more. It's a balancing act that can never really balance!

One thing I do want to respond to is your issue with hypertension during pregnancy. I had that both pregnancies, but avoided bed rest or hospitalization, luckily. I took medication for it twice a day, but I was VERY much under the microscope with my doctor the entire time, including non-stress tests twice a week starting at 28 weeks, once a week hospital visits for additional tests, and FREQUENT doctor visits. My OB is amazing and I love her and the care I received, but it was extremely time consuming and by the end, I felt like I just wanted to be left alone!! It was tough being poked and prodded constantly. For that reason, and the fact that I work full-time (that can't and won't change) at a demanding job, I knew that I would stop at two kids. I was so happy to be "done" after my little one was born, but some days I do feel a little sad because I know the baby days are over, even though there's no way a third could have ever happened. I guess what I am saying is I understand the factor your health issues play, but that's why you and your husband would have to be as solid as possible, because he'd have to pick up the slack at home and with your son while you are pregnant. It can be done, and you are definitely still young, so don't feel like it's impossible!! I feel that if your marriage is strong, the demands of pregnancy and another infant can be overcome and even enjoyed! Take care and maybe seek marriage counseling now, so you can enter into it as solid as possible if you go that route. Good luck with everything.

Hi L.!
If you are having marital problems I would wait until that is solved or worked out. Having another child will just add stress to an already stressful situation.
I don't think there is ever a perfect time to have a second or third child. We always need more money, time etc. My kids are 7, 4 and 12 wks and the spacing really works for us. However I have friends who have had their kids 1yr a part and say thats the way to go. So, its really up to you!
Good luck if you choose to have more!
S

I think you should have another child if you want another child, not because you may regret it later on in life. It is the now that counts. Adding another child is a lot of work. My son is almost two and I just found out I was pregnant. I did want to wait until next year to have another child, but we are happy to be having another child. We also do not have financial or marital difficulties. If you really want another child and you think you are up for the emotional and phyical challenges of it then go for it. But it sounds like a pregnancy may add more stress at this time. If your pregnancy becomes difficult will you have the support from family and friends and your husband? That is another question to ask yourself. If you are having marital issues, you may want to seek the help from a counselor to help your marriage. I would work on that first. Best wishes to you.

Hi L.
First of all- don't have a child because you are "supposed to" for any reason. If u r having marital and financial issues-then u need to work on them. I had my second child (now 23) for that reason. We divorced 7 years later. I do not regret having my son-but I do regret what they went through later. (Ugly divorce, poverty, moving etc) my sons r 2 yrs apart and are not close. So please do what's right for you.
As for you health during pregnancy..I can put u in touch with moms whose pregnancies were flawless with the right nutrition. Safe and effective for u and baby. It is also a great biz opportunity to help ur finances. Now for the marital stuff..pls rent the movie Fireproof. It was recommended to me (I am happily remarried for 12 yrs now)and we watched it together. I highly recommend it. Feel free to get in touch with me for more info. It's time u take care of u.
J. :H

My younger sister and I are 8 years apart and we are the best of friends sure we argued but who doesn't fight w/ their siblings at some point. My two boys are 5 years apart and they get along great and my oldest was a huge help when I had his little brother. I don't feel how close they are in age has anything to do with how good their relationship will be it has to do w/ how you bring them up and how much if you give them the same out of attention. The right time is when you feel its the right time you are only 30 you have plenty of time.

Hi L.,

As you stated, when, or even if, to have a second child is a personal choice and involves alot of factors; including, relationship, health, finances and the type of relationship you want to have with each child and the type of relationship you want them to have with each other.

Naturally, there are some things that are out of our control such as the sex of a baby, or the person who wants two children very close together who ends up pregnant with twins on her second pregnacy. (not everything can be planned!) You also haven't mentioned how your husband feels about adding another child.

I can tell you from my experience: I have four children. My first two were with my first husband and they were almost seven years apart. Although, I got the pleasure of nurturing and focusing on each child as a baby, my children who are now 29 and 23 were not that close growing up and my eldest who is a girl frequently expressed resentment towards her younger brother. They are now 29 and 23 and quite close!

My first husband died quite young and I remarried when my son was 12 and my daughter was 19. I have two little girls with my second husband who are 21 months apart and let me tell you. IT IS ALOT MORE WORK! Not just because I am older, because I actually think that helps. (more patience, more insight on the passage of time, more ability to appreciate all the joys of motherhood) Two babies are simply alot of physical work. I frequently felt like an outsider on their relationship who was in charge of the clean up!....lol.

It's not to say I am not close to my young daughters, because I am, and we try to find time for one to one interaction. But, the gift they have of each other is a great one. Now that I see two very close siblings, I couldn't imagine one without the other. It is just different. Now that they are getting older it is getting easier (ages 7 and 9) but still challenging at times. (one child has no one to fight with!)

Well, I'm not sure I've helped with your decision, but I would try to be sure your relationship can withstand the rigors of the physical effects of pregnancy, the financial pressures if you can't work etc. before making the decision. At ages 30 and 42 you both have time.

Best Wishes and God Bless,

J. L.

Sounds like you have a lot going on!

If you are 30 and he is 42, infertility due to age is not something that should be dominating your decision. Barring other factors, you both have plenty of time. There is no magic blend of children in terms of age range -- I have 2 stepdaughters, one of whom has kids 12 and 4, and the other of whom has kids 4 and 5. It's not necessarily easier one way or the other, and there is no particular bond that is greater or lesser. If YOU GUYS are happy with your family spacing, then the kids will be okay. There are pros and cons of each, but since you aren't particularly ready for a 2nd child, I don't think you should push yourself because you think somehow it will be better for the children. Yes, getting the diapers out of the way is one thing, but only having one in diapers at a time is another advantage!

You had a tough pregnancy, and if you get pregnant again, you may be more tired since you have another child to care for this time around. Your excessive nausea/dehydration and the migraines/hypertension might be avoided or counteracted with a fantastic nutritional supplement. I have a lot of friends who have done it (with ob/gyn approval - no drugs, just food) and, even if they had nausea, at least they got a lot of nutrition into their systems. As you know, hyperemesis gravidarum becomes a vicious cycle - you get sick because your blood sugar levels are so low, and you can't eat because you get sick, so your blood sugar levels drop more, and so on. Good nutrition (and not just a "prenatal vitamin") makes a huge difference in controlling this - a supplement that is rapidly absorbed can get into your system without hanging around in your stomach making you nauseated. That helped my friends avoid the hypertension, and they had such good results that they shared it with friends, making some money - since your financial pressures are substantial, would it help you to have another stream of income you could work around the rest of your life? Even in a difficult economy, people DO take care of their health. If you have marital issues unrelated to the finances, that's another thing to deal with, but if the financial pressure is a huge factor, is this something you want to address now?

Have you considered couples counseling to help sort out these issues? There is a lot going on and I'm sure it is very hard to sort things out.

Good luck - just be good to yourself!

I am 17 weeks pregnant right now with my 3rd child. I too had hyperemisis with my pregnancies. Including the first 14 weeks of this pregnancy. I am just now starting to function normally. I could not do anything- could not drive, take care of my daughters, eat, drink or even get out of bed for days at a time. The hospital stays due to dehydration were hard for my girls to deal with.
It was EXTREMELY difficult for my daughters- they are 4 and 6. I couldn't be a part of their lives for those 14 weeks.
That said.... I had my second child when my first was only 23 months old. This was much easier than what I just went through. She was young enough while I was sick that she hardly noticed. She adjusted to the changes quickly and doesn't remember that time at all.
With this in mind I would say that you should get pregnant as soon as possible! At the age of 2- your son's needs are much easier than what they will be in a year or two. Once he starts preschool and is involved in other activities it's so much more difficult to be sick.
My girls are the very best of friends. They play very well together, share a bedroom by choice, and will tell others that their sister is their best friend. They have many of the same interests. I know this will last a lifetime. I am so glad that we had them close together!
Whatever you choose- it's worth it in the end. Those months of vomiting are for a very good reason. Giving your son a sibling is a wonderful gift.
-S.

Hi L.,
Don't over think it! You will know when your done. It's just a feeling that you have and since you're still contemplating having another one...it appears you do want more. My first two are 15 months apart(one of each) and 18 years later...still the best of friends and love to be together. Their sister is 3 years behind them and although they include her in as much as possible...the age difference does matter on occasion.

Good luck it will all work out.
K.

If there is trouble in your marriage, having another child will not resolve the problems. Consider seeking help from a marriage and family counselor before moving forward.

You should have another child only if you feel as though you and your husband are ready, not because of all these "supposed to" reasons. No one else has the ability to determine this for you. If you are having marital issues, maybe this isnt the right time. I think you are intelligent enough that I dont have to even suggest that you think another child will fix anything between you and your husband. I hope no one thinks that anymore.
You need to evaluate the reasons, and decide if they are because you genuinely want another child, or if you think you are "supposed to" have another child. You already have a child, Im sure you know that a child is an investment in love and time, not a trophy.

Id say if your marrriage is back on track as well as the financials.,. start trying.. whne the baby is born your oldest will be almost three. THats a great amount of space between the two as the three year old will start going to play groups, 1/2 day schools so you will only have the baby in the house some times. I have a 19 month old and a 6 month old.. planned that way so they would be close in age and the older would be too young to feel jealousy. Its worked out marvelously. That is one thing you will have to deal with now.. is the older getting jealous but the more you include the older to help out, the less jealous they will feel. Good luck!