Death of a Grandparent

First and foremost be honest with her. Tell her you miss ggma also; but it is a good thing you loved her so much. Tell her how you feel and the talking to ggma is good; but that she can hear a whisper also. You mention that she wants to know when you are going away. You need to address this. I think that is what she is most afraid of ggma was there and then when she woke up she wasn't. You can only answer her questions with out getting into to much detail; because at that age, she will understand the simple truth.

I would recommend calling Solace House. They work with grieving familes and BOTH of you can get the support you need.

My son and I are going because my grandmother (his great-grandmother) died in April and we are still deeply grieving. We were very close and he asked lots of questions. I would also recommend answering her honestly.

Whatever your spiritual understandings and religious affiliations may or may not be, a child that age needs guidance to understand and use her spiritual faculties. I was blessed to have a wonderful spiritual teacher in our Faith before my son was born and it helped me greatly when I had to handle his issues.

When he was 3, he asked me if heaven was real or pretend. I knew if I gave him a simple answer that he would accept my understanding as the truth, but that it would not help him to gain his own understanding. So, I told him that he has two different ways of seeing, hearing, and perceiving things. I explained that he has the eyes and ears that hear and see the outward physical part of our world, but that he also has the eyes and ears that perceive his inner world. I had him close his eyes and try to remember something he saw the day before. Then I told him that he saw that with the same eyes that see his dreams at night. I also explained that the eyes and ears that help him remember real things and explore his dreams also help him to see and hear the things he imagines and pretends. Then I told him that the inner part of him can smell and taste and feel his inner world, too, and that this inner part of him is the part of him that lives forever and will explore all the worlds of God.

He was perfectly satisfied with that answer and never again questioned the reality of the afterlife. He is 22 and is remarkably perceptive spiritually.

Three suggestions you might consider is:

1) Teach her to use her quiet inner voice when she speaks to her grandmother because Grandma no longer has those outer ears that can hear her yelling.

2) Tell her that your heart still feels tender about Grandma's new life. Tell her that part of you is very happy for Grandma because it is like a graduation for her, but that part of your heart feels achy because you are not used to the change, yet. Try to avoid phrases like, "I still miss her" or words like, "gone away".

3) She may want to develop another relationship with an elder. Not that I am comparing pets with family members, but our son's dog was stolen when he was 5 y/o. Six months later he was still talking about the dog every day. It only stopped when we got him another dog. You might suggest that Grandma enjoyed your daughter's love very much and that there might be another Grandma or Grandpa out there that would enjoy her love as well. It doesn't have to be understood as a replacement or a distraction so much as it is an extention of that relationship, widening the circle of love. This can help a child learn to see new possibilities following a loss and to learn to expand the skills learned in one relationship in order to develop other relationships.

My son was 10 y/o when his favorite Grandmother passed. He still needed a year before he fully accepted the change. He understood the dynamics, but simply did not want to accept it. He did not want to remember her because it triggered how much he missed the experiences they shared. After a year, he was finally able to process his feelings and decided he did not want to sacrifice a million wonderful memories because of one difficult memory. It was hard to watch him go through it, but it was an important part of his development.

What surprised me was the grief I experienced after he finally processed his. It was as if my heart could not complete its own grief until he was balanced with his. It is amazing how connected we are to our children and how their pain can override our own.

I hope these thoughts and memories help you move through this challenging time.

I am sorry for your loss. However, I think NOT talking about your grandmother dying to your 4 year old is probably the worst thing you could ever do. I know it hurts but, you are denying your child answers to very complicated questions in her mind. She is just acting out because she doesn't understand. My mother- in- Law died in April of 2007 of Pancreatic Cancer. My oldest and her were the best of friends so knowing she was going to die just broke my heart. It is a very painful disease to watch your loved one die of. My children 4 and 18 months at the time were around her at every stage. We never brought up anything unless my 4 year old would ask. Once she died we asked the hospice nurse what we should say and do. She suggested a few great books that we ended up buying the day she died. One of them is When Dinosaurs Die by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (the author of the Arthur books). It explains in some hearty detail about the cycle of life etc. Another book hospice gave us to read and I am sure you can call your local hospice house to see if they might have this one. We found it to be the most helpful and we read it a ton of times. It is Sad Hug, Mad Hug, Happy Hug a children's story about Death. It helped to put death in a way they can comprehend and that it is ok to be sad and mad and whatever feelings they might be experiencing. Talking about the good times always gets us through the tough times. There has been many a tears shed and a lot of laughter and it is important to show our children that. Good luck in your communications and it will get easier the more she understands.

A.,
In my opinion, things are not going to stop until YOU take the wheel. Stop telling her that you don't want to talk about it. Death is a fact of life, and unfortunately when someone we love very close to us dies, we have to accept it, and explain it to our kids. At 4 years old your daughter knows nothing about death probably. Let this be your chance to not make it scary. When my dad died, my kids were devastated. My mother made them blankets out of some of his clothes so they could snuggle with something of his. They each got to choose some trinkets of his, and his favorite CD. Maybe you could get a picture of your grandmother, or one with your daughter and her. Let her put it in a special place so she can look at it every day so she won't want to visit her grave every day. Tell her that Grandma is in heaven and we will see her one day. Questions will keep arising until you deal with them and answer them. You don't have to have an elaborate response for a 4 year old. You just have to make them feel safe and secure. Good luck. I know it is sad for you to talk about it but you have to.

How about a "Memory Book" that she could participate in Making. Whether it be just a mini photo album or a larger album just for her. If you don't have many pictures get some magazines and let your 4 year old put things in there that remind her of things or specials things they did. Now that she is gone you can remember all the special things they may have done. Whether it be dates you can write in or pictures. It can be something she can be proud of making together with you. Get a box and she can collect things that were momentous to her and the grandmother. Kids greive in so many different ways, it will pass but may take different approaches. You can now dwell on the favorite things and not greiving. Our prays go out to you and your family!
S.

Please get the book "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson, it is excellent. The book does specifically use the words dead or death, but rather speaks to thougths of comfort. Some of Hanson's lines are "The next place that I go won't really be a place at all. There won't be any seasons - winter, summer, spring or fall -" "My skin will not be dark or light. I won't be fat or tall. The body I once lived in won't be part of me at all" "I will travel empty-handed ... except the love of all who loved me..." Rainy Day Books, Fairway, Kansas typically cares this excellent book. It would be a way to assist your daughter in understanding that GreatGrandma is not really in the grave, but in her heart - so she can talk to her anytime. Thank you.

I think your daughter is responding to her loss....beautifully! She's dealing with the loss in her own unique way, & will work through this in her own time. My concern is your response: isn't it better to embrace your memories, rather than to try to shut yourself down?

I love how your daughter is talking to the sky, talking at the cemetary....she's expressing herself! Please, please don't shut her down. This is something which many of us do, seriously! Since my daughter's death 15 years ago, whenever we have a family party or take a trip, I do a little mental "I love you, I miss you, I wish you were with us". It's not insane or psychotic, simply an acknowlegement of my loss of her. It truly does help; I am not able to bottle up these thoughts & emotions, & this is how I find release & peace. In fact, I consider prayer simply an ongoing conversation with God...

On another note, when our daughter passed away, we thought long & hard on how to memorialize her life. In the end, we chose to plant a tree in her memory...a Bradford pear which blooms beautifully in the spring & is gorgeous the rest of the year. What about something like this to help focus her thoughts?

I wish you peace!

Death is always difficult now matter what the age and we all deal with it differently. If it makes her feel better to talk to great grandma off the porch, I'm not sure I see the harm. It doesn't really matter what your neighbors think.

As far as going to the grave everyday, you'll just have to tell her you can't take her every day, but let her know when you can take her.

I've heard that what kids really need to hear at this time is that now matter what happens, someone will take care of them. When my grandmother died, we had the questions about me and my husband dying and I couldn't lie to say that I never would. I just said it wouldn't happen for a long, long time. And, if it did happen, they had guardians to take care of them. Their guardians were an aunt and uncle that they like very much. So, they felt better that they wouldn't be left alone.

I won't worry too much about the rest. Most likely, this too shall pass. It just may take longer than you would like.

I wouldn't worry about stopping it. It sounds as though your daughter is trying her best to deal with something she really cannot understand. It may be hard for you to hear, but it will be harder for her to have to pretend nothing happened. I don't see how any of the things you described are bad. So, she talks to her grandma form the porch, big deal. If she asks to go see her at her grave, simply explain to her that you can't today, and tell her when you can (on grandma's birthday for example, or next staurday, whenever). If she drives past and wants to stop, tell her you don't have time, but she can wave.
As far as questions about death, those are completely normal from a 4 year old. My daughter has only had pet mice die, but she asks me about death, about when people die. I tell her the truth, we all die, but it won't be for a long long time when I am older than great grandma.

Hi A.,
My sister passed away in 2004 leaving 2 daughters age 9 months and almost 3 years. My son was also almost 3 and my own daughter 4 months old. I got the opportunity to tend my nieces for almost two years. My advice would be to not squelch any of her desires to talk about, cry, remember funny things she'd say, or visiting the grave. However, you still can put limits on it. Saying something like "I know you miss GGMA, so how about if we visit her grave every Sunday at such and such a time?". You could then encourage her to think of what she would want to say to her and even pick her own flowers or leaves (as the weather is turning to it) throughout the week. We went to the pumpkin patch and picked their mom a perfect pumpkin and then put some mums around it; which turned out very pretty. With my believes in God and the after-life, I was able to tell them that they would see their mommy again and that when they really needed her, she would be there to listen to or watch them. Soon after she died I said that she was busy greeting all the other people who were in Heaven - like Aunt Alice, or even their dog, Reggie. But if they really needed her, she would stop what she was doing and come to listen, but we could not hear her if she talked back, but we could feel good inside. And then I related it to other things in my religion that they had already learned and could understand. Of course, your own beliefs can help you help her understand. I know we will see those who died again and I believe they don't just sit up there and sing all the time. There are people from all over the world that did not get a chance to learn about Jesus, so perhaps those who did get to know Him, are teaching those that did not. I told them that their Mom had to let everyone else know about Him.
Now, at 3 years old, I did not explain this to them all at one sitting; this was over a long course...maybe 2 to 4 months. But they do stop talking about it eventually and then all of the sudden it would come up again - maybe they smelled something that reminded them of her or maybe they had a dream about her. So, be patient, as you explain it to her, she will be more comfortable with not being able to see her Great Grandma. I thought it was most important for me to let them know that it was okay to be sad and okay to even be angry for a little while, but that their mom would want them to be happy and find the good things around them that would help them to be happy and content.
I hope this helps some. My nieces are now doing great, almost 7 and just turned 5. Their Dad remarried almost 2 years ago and they have a brother who is 7 and a new brother who is 4 months. Of course they will always miss their mom and wonder what she would do in certain situations; I expect questions from them when they are teenagers like "what kind of people did Mom date?" or whatever. But their new "mom" is very, very good at letting them remember their own mom.
Good luck,
K.
Oh, there is a great children's their Grandmother gave them called What's Heaven and there are so many children's books that are available like The Goodbye Boat; so many.

If I were you I'd make a special place in the backyard for her to talk quietly with grandma. She can collect stones or put some sort of marker there and if she had a place to sit that would be great. Next year you might be able to plant something and expand on it. There's nothing wrong with her having someone to talk with even if they don't talk back, it's a very creative and expressive way to deal with things.
I'd tell her that we don't know when anyone is going to die, we just cherish everyone while there here and after they're gone they live in our minds forever!
Another thing I did with my granddaughter is to find all the pictures I had of her and her great-great-grandmother and put them in frames and a photo album for her to put in her room and have. Things eventually went to normal with only occasional references to grandma.

I went through this with my grand daughter a couple of years ago when my mom died. She was about 3 then.

There are two things going on here.

1. She needs for you to talk to her about it and treat it like a normal part of life. "I don't want to talk about it" is going to make the problem worse.
You may want to seek out some grief counseling for yourself so that you can talk with your daughter whenever she wants you to. She is actually handling it in a healthy way by wanting to talk.

2. She is afraid that you or someone close to her will die also. Again, you may want to counsel with a pastor or grief counselor to decide what to tell her about life and death, but to ignore the questions will only make her more fearful. She figures it must be a very bad thing if mommy is afraid to talk about it.

I understand you can not go to the grave every day, nor should you even try to indulge this any more than if you would go to a toy store every time your daughter asked.
A simple, "Not today sweetheart, we have other plans" will satisfy her most of the time.
But do take her often for awhile. I took my granddaughter many times in that first year, and she too sat on the grave and talked to great grandma, and then she prayed, then got up laughing and ran and played among the flowers and the other graves. It was very sweet. Like something in a Hallmark movie or something. I actually found myself enjoying these visits.

Because we didn't obsess over it, but didn't discourage her either, in time she "got over it". She looks at pictures of her occasionally now and tells people "That's my Sweet Gramma". (She always called her that ... she calls my dad her "Cute Grampa". Don't ask me where she got those pet names ... she came up with them all on her own. LOL.)
Only on special days like Christmas and Mom's birthday, does she ever ask to go to the grave now. Even then, she says a quick prayer, talks to Gramma, leaves her flowers, then blows her a kiss goodbye and we leave.

We also explained to her that Gramma is not where we left her body, but she is in Heaven with Jesus. When she asks if she can go visit her there, we tell her yes, but not until it is her own time to go live there, too. In the meantime she can "leave messages" for her with God, or visit her body at the grave. She likes that.

Just try to be patient. I know it's hard when your own feelings are still so raw, but you will find that by helping your daughter you are also helping yourself to heal.
Different people need to grieve and work things out in different ways.

I think my hardest day after my mom passed was one day when my grand daughter was looking at one of my mom's many nick-nacks around the house. She was asking questions about it, and I was answering them. I told her that all these pretty things around us were reminders of Gramma and part of her (Gramma's)heart because she had picked out each and everyone because she found it to be beautiful and wanted to decorate her house with it, so in a way, part of Gramma's heart is still with us in these pretty thing when we enjoy looking at them. That is what she intended when she picked them out and placed them around the house. It was at that point that the whole loss hit me like a tons of bricks and I couldn't help my tears.
But you know what ? That was ok. It was good for my grand daughter to know that it is ok to cry, ok to miss someone, ok to talk about them and remember them, and it is ok to know that life will go on.

God bless you both,
B.

Hi A. - There are some great chldren's book about death. I would go to Borders and ask them to recommend books from the children's section. Read them and see what fits your situation best, in terms of "she is living with God", whatever your beliefs are. I think your daughter needs to see your sadness, and let her know that you miss grandma too. But you can always talk with her, and tell her things - she may not be able to answer you now, because she does not live here anymore. But that does not mean that grandma never wants you to talk with her. I am sure that Grandma enjoys hearing about what is going on in your daughter's life. But, Grandma can now hear even a whisper, you do not need to yell to her. You can talk to her when you are laying in bed, or when you are in your room, or in th car, you do not have to go outside, or to her grave. Sincerely, G.

I'm sorry about your grandmother. Mine is 92 years old, and I have a feeling I will be facing this soon, unfortunately.

I have no idea if this will work or not, but maybe you could try giving her a picture of her great grandmother to carry around in her pocket or purse. You can tell her that this way she will always have her with her wherever she goes, and won't need to go to the cemetary to talk to her anymore because she'll be right there with her (figuratively speaking, of course). If you have time, you might even make her a little scrapbook of several pictures of her GGM to look at when she's missing her. She'll love the pictures now and she'll appreciate the journaling and stories you write about her later (assuming you do a bit of journaling in it, that is).

Good luck. I hope this helps.

J.

when my grandpa passed away from cancer my 2 older boys were very young. to help them understand, we told them grandpa was in heaven etc,but that night of the wake we went outside and picked out a very bright star. i then told the boys that was grandpa's star and we could always see him on a clear night. to this day(they understand now being 12 & 13) they will take the younger two outside and show them grandpa's star. if you try this i hope it works. thanx for your time C. B

well, at her age this fascination with death is very common. it's also hard to deal with when you miss the person who just died. my dad died when i was pregnant with my son and when he turned about 3 he became obsessed with him and wanted to talk about "poppy dannie" all the time, go to the cemetary, etc. it is best to answer her questions when she asked, simply, and let her talk to her or visit the grave occasionally; she is dealing with a loss, too. good luck!

I know that it is painful; however, it is very important that you continue to answer her questions--even if she asks them over and over. Death is a hard concept to grasp for little ones. Try reading books about losing a loved one (Freddie the Leaf is one). I also liked the suggestion about picking a day of the week to visit the gravesite. Do not dismiss her concerns or questions or she will have even more difficulty grappling with this issue. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you. K.

It sounds like your daughter is dealing with the loss perfectly and you are the one having trouble, with is totally understandable. She loved her longer. Please don't try to stifle her. People are not going to thinks a 4 year old is crazy for yelling to her Great Grandmom in the sky.

I know it is hard for you to hear her ask questions. My Grandmother died a few years ago and my sons were 4 and 10. You can just tell her it makes you sad sometimes to talk about it. As tell her you can go to the grave yard everyday but you will visit once a week or once a month or whatever you decide.

Good luck.

I have to agree with the not stiffling your daughter. Why don't you BOTH celebrate GGMA's life? Make a memory book together...that way you both can go back and look at pictures of her and remember her favorites... Kids at this age are horribly concerned with losing people (even if you go away for a couple of hours or days they are afraid you won't come back). The memory book will keep GGMA's memory alive so she won't forget her. Another idea, and for the life of me, I can't remember where I saw it...but someone was making stuffed bears out of loved ones shirts, etc. If there were any clothes or a blanket of GGMA's that was left, perhaps you could have one made? Or even a dress for a baby doll that she could give GGMA's given name to.

We all want to believe in a higher power and that we will go somewhere. I'm sure that the bond your daughter had with GGMA was very strong and she just wants to always remember and cherish those times. If you believe in guardian angels, then certainly I'm sure your GGMA is looking over your daughter. If you don't like the yelling from the porch, just let her know that GGMA can hear her even when she whispers or just thinks outloud in her head.

Certainly, let your daughter know how important GGMA was to you as well and how sad you are that she is gone. But please, don't let her exhuberance over the memory of this wonderful lady be dampened by what you think others will think of your child. She is going through a healthy greiving process. Are you?

Good Morning,
My family went through a similar event in 1996, when my husband diagnosed with cancer in May passed in September. Our youngest son and his family lived with us while he finished his degree. Grandpa had just retired and Alyssa was born that same month, from that time until he no longer could he babysat this sweet child. He walked her, fed her bathed her and played with her. She was 18 months old that summer so it is difficult to know what she remembers and what is told them of memories. After Grandpa passed, she would run in the house thinking he would be there, or if a stranger on the street had white hair she would want to go get Grandpa. It seems like ages, but we just keep answering her questions. We only went to the cemetery once, you just answer questions as she asks. I put all photos of Bob away for a while, that seemed to help. Than as time passed I slowly pulled them out again.
It has been 12 years this month and Lizzie doesn't ask about Grandpa any more. But she does call on his anniversary

Well you have gotten alot of good advice here. And alot of books to look for too. So not sure what I can say to really help except that I lost my grandmother last year. I am the mother of 3 children ages 10,14,16 so my kids are alot older and dealt with it as this was not the first family they had lost. But it was me who could not really handle what had happened I was so totally broken I could not find the words to help anyone else. I feel like this is where you are from what little you are telling and hearing her be so open with her feelings wishing you could be too and just have that really good cry. Well for me that really good cry did happen and even today sometimes when I talk with others I still get misty when talking or remembering grandma but I have excepted the fact that it is ok and I do not care if others see me get this way(and alot of times if it happens with someone they hug you and who does not need a hug once in a while). Then there are certain smells that bring me back to memories. Still crying over this for me helps me to know I am human and do have feelings and that life matters to me and dang it grandma did matter to me alot more than I originally thought when she was actually here. Sure there are times I can talk and be fine it is just sometimes I get misty now but I would not trade that feeling for any in the world. So to me even to the day I do die I will always get misty about those I love and have left before me but that is who I am. Who are you and what do you want your daughter to remember you as dealing with loss? Shut off or able to talk even if there are tears(these show we are soft inside and even mommies get broken hearts.).

I'm a nurse, and I have dealt with death both on a professional level and also have dealt with it in my own life. Honestly, it sounds like your daughter is grieving in a completely normal fashion. It sounds like YOU are the one who needs help...not her! Just because YOU don't like to talk about the subject doesn't mean that your little girl doesn't deserve the chance to. It's very selfish of you to sit here and complain about how your daughter is acting and thinking just because you don't want to deal with it. It's not going to just go away like you want it to. Death is something you have to deal with. If you can't deal with it on your own, then try getting yourself and your daughter into counseling. Honestly though, your daughter sounds like she is handling this very well for such a young child. It's going to be hard for your daughter to just forget, but time heals all wounds. You need to deal with your own problems on this matter before trying to help your daughter.

Sorry for your Loss. I think its tough on any age to have to deal with death but its life ya know. Trying to explain to a 4yr old its even tougher. I would tell her that you can pick a day when you are able to go see her GGMA at the cemetary and let her mark the days off on the Calender so she will know when the day is coming and when its here. Do you pray? You can always get her to pray at nite and let her know you can talk to GGMA that way, let her know that she was sick and now she is with GOD (not sure how religious you are) she is happy now and looking down on us and watching us.

This may not apply, but after my cat died, who was only a year old, he had a horrible heart murmur,my then 3 year old daughter, for about two years after every time she got upset about something would cry about how much she missed him. I think she really was very sad about our cat, but I also think that usually she was upset about something else. She would say something about it even if she fell down and scraped her knee. I would usuallt talk her through it, like "I know you're upset about Pookah, I know that you are also upset because dropping your cookie on the floor(or whatever)." It helped her put her feeling into context.
Maybe if you had a designated day to go to Great grandmother's grave. maybe that would help?

Tell her Grandma is in Heaven with God or if you are Not a Christian tell her Grandma is on a long Vacation she needed rest and that their are no phones or mail because they cannot be bothered while resting. its worth a shot.

I haven't personally dealt with this as we were unfortunately not close to any of our grandparents when our kids were little. Their deaths made little impact.

That said, I think it sounds like your little girl could benefit from some grief counseling of some sort. She sounds like she's a very sensitive girl.

Suzi

Hi, A.. I think you should let your daughter deal with this as she needs to. She will move on to something else. I would give her a picture of her GGMA to put near her bed, and she can talk to her when she says her prayers at night. Children do not have the capacity to understand death like we do, so it probably makes her feel comforted to know she still has a connection with her GGMA. It sounds like she also might need to attend the next funeral of someone she is close to. She may have an easier time with closure if she does. Good Luck and God Bless.