Understandably, my tween daughter resents having to be in a 'new' house, sharing a room with her younger sister, and living (part time) with often hostile teen stepsisters. Nothing horrible, just viewed under the glass of hormones, everything is HORRIBLE and ...(tee hee) YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. (Well, sweetie, I actually do...) She has just made all A's in school, endures some bullying, hates to brush her hair, and is generally normal. Sweet and helpful (except for cleaning her room, but that is another question). She has done things in the past and lied about them - even pinned the theft of her 50 state quarter collection on her little sister. I fortunately figured it out when she suddenly had spending $ and found nothing but state quarters in her purse...
Back on point!!
My new husband's house is Victorian, with a main staircase with soaring wallpapered walls. He called me, horrified, yesterday, when he encountered a strip of paper about 2" wide and 8' long dangling from the wall. My girls are really the only ones to use that staircase. When I got my girls from school, I confronted them both. Both denied it adamantly. I told them (as always) that if they confess, I will be mad, but that if they lie and I uncover it later, the results will be much worse. I could see the younger one weakening, so sent off the older one. After a few bucket-fulls of tears, she confessed that she had torn the wallpaper, but had just done so 'because everyone else was doing it.' She said that there had been a small 4" or so tear, and that she had added about a foot to that. She denies the 'grand' tear...and I believe her.
My tween has been doing a lot of stomping up the stairs lately, and I have a feeling that has been when the ripping has happened. I get that she is frustrated, but now, I have to deal with a wonderful, but understandably pissed new husband, and a wallpaper job that could cost thousands of dollars to repair.
My questions(s). HOW DO I GET HER TO CONFESS? She is a good girl, but STUBBORN, and has, as I mentioned, a history of lying. I am 95% sure that she is the culprit. Hubby has suggested putting a camera on the stairs to see if she does more, I wanted to get fingerprints from the paper, but I think that it would get graphite all over, and ruin the chance of just gluing it back into place - if possible. Also WHAT SORT OF PUNISHMENT? Her biodad gave her the phone, and says that since he pays, I can't ground her from it. I did buy Taylor Swift tix for her Christmas present (June), but would hate to take them away, since we are going with a friend of mine and her daughter - don't want to punish myself too... But maybe could use that to crack her...
Thanks Moms! Can't say how much I love you all!!
L.
This may sound mean, but I've always, since they were say 3 or 4 made my kids help me repair things they broke. Accidentally or because they don't know better, or because they were angry, even if they just had to sit there and watch rather than have fun, they had a part in the repairs. I have 1 what will be 12 this year, and I would certainly make him earn the money for the repair.
This is not advice exactly, it's more Me wondering what I would do....
With regards to childhood crimes, I tend to look at the bigger picture.
It occurs to me she is frustrated because she has had NO choice in the matter. She is testing you to see which is more important....your new husband and his precious freakin' house (just thinking like a tween here) or her? It's THAT simple, from her point of view. She is acting out her frustration....
Kids wreck stuff. It's not OK, of course, but HERE, in your situation, there may be a reason for it. Other than a kid just not thinking. After all, respect for our things is a learned skill, which takes an entire childhood.....But here, she may be asking for you to be on her side. She maybe manipulating her environment the only way she knows how for something, ANYTHING to be about HER.
I guess whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll keep her close. Husbands and houses come and go, but your girl is your girl forever. I wonder in 20 years will she look back at this time with a warm wonderful feeling (that big ole fabulous house, her kind, patient Step father, her quirky step siblings) or will she be resentful that those people and that house took away her relationship with her mom?
Hope this helps!
:)
Added**Here's the thing....Whether you're 3, 11, or 60, you can't go around wreckin' stuff cause you're pissed off about your current living arrangements. A person needs to be able to communicate their feelings in an acceptable way. She will only learn this if YOU show her how. If she TRUSTS you, if she can TELL you how she feels, if she feels like her opinion MATTERS, she will be more likely to articulate what's on her mind, than ACT OUT what's on her mind.
Anyway, simply punishing this unacceptable behavior will not accomplish that.
Offer her amnesty. Tell her that she gets O. chance to tell the truth and no punishment will follow. Then really sit with her and have a heart to heart. Assure her that your husband and his new house do not have higher importance in your life than she does!
Seems to me she is crying out for attention of any kind, even negative attention. She is having a hard time making the transition to your new blended family. Of course, this does not make it ok to destroy property, but it does seem to be a symptom of a larger problem. You mentioned she endures some bullying? Is this happening at school, or is it from the stepsisters? Has this issue been addressed and are you taking steps to help her deal with it? It sounds like she just has an awful lot going on right now, and is having trouble coping with everything. Personally, I don't know if I would make her pay the full amount for a repair that may cost as much as you indicated, but I would definitely take away some privileges in the short term (TV, computer time, phone, whatever you decide) or have her do some chores to earn at least some of the money for the repair. But mostly, I think I would just sit down and talk to her in a calm way to try to get at the root of what's bugging her. Reassure her that you're there for her - remind her that although things have changed, she is still your child and she is still every bit as important as she always was. I think that's probably what she's craving more than anything and what she needs to hear right now. Good Luck!
We usually only crack when we feel like there won't be big time trouble. I think that will be awhile so the next thing you do is enlist her help in fixing it anyway, no make her do something (I know, I know, it won't be professional, just making a point) stirring the glue or something, holding the paper up where she can (please no one get hurt!) and let her see this is not an easy task to put up. I think we let children get away with things these days because we are afraid of our own tempers and fears. There is a saying that we soften too many and I think it's true,sometimes we need to just go into action. So it might mean something just to point out what sort of work this involves (do they really, really understand the financial part yet when we buy them phones and expensive jewelry? and we are always so sorry if we yell at them). Ah yes I am lamenting my own past. You may never get a confession til she is in her forties, but you will have taught a valuable lesson.
Blending a family is kind of a misnomer. You can't put everyone in a blender and hit "puree".
I would sit down with your daughter and have a heart to heart. Not just about the wallpaper, but all the other little things. It is hard when you're a kid and your mom's decisions change your life. I've been on both sides of the stepfamily coin and I also understand that your DH might be horrified that the kids are ripping the paper. I think that the paper is just a symptom of the overall process. Everyone needs to give everyone a break.
Now, that's not to say that it shouldn't go unpunished. Perhaps, with supervision, the girls need to fix the paper and write their stepfather an apology. Sometimes my mom would say, "Well, someone did it and it wasn't me so you both get to..."
You and your DH might also say, "The wallpaper is being ripped and since we suspect you all had a hand in it and it will cost $x, we are not going out to dinner on Fridays for x time to pay for it." Or whatever you might otherwise do.
It can also be beneficial to have your child talk to her school counselor and/or do a little family counseling to get past the initial phase of this family.
And trust me, even after the supposed 7 years timeframe, sometimes you still have things. Like when my stepdaughter "borrowed" my nightgown to use as a shirt and stretched it out beyond repair...
Remember, too, that some of it is just being a kid. It's not always malicious, which is something I had to learn. Your DH might feel extra edgy about it because it was "his" home first.
Hang in there.
She now needs to earn the privilege, so to speak, of going to the concert through the use of good behavior. If a new panel of wallpaper or mending a strip of it costs thousands of dollars to repair, I am in the wrong business-Perhaps wearing hand-me-downs from the older girls' will offset the cost of repairing the wallpaper-and I'm sure that will be well received. While the cell phone is at you house-it will be turned off and dad will have to call on the land line-poor thing. You are allowed to have rules in your house-it's your house-you do have ownership in the house-right? When everyone stops feeling like an unwanted guest-then maybe you can settle into being a mixed family-it's very difficult. It is also difficult to tell what part of the behavior is from the age, the divorce, the remarriage, etc. You may consider couseling while she is still young.
Confession and punishment shouldn't be your main objectives right now. Yes, you want her to tell the truth and to suffer consequences for her actions, but she needs your attention and understanding now more than ever. As to consequence,how about she "works" off some of the repair bill by doing chores at home? That way she can help make things right.
A psychologist recommended to me the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk". It taught me some valuable skills that really work. I think setting up that kind of honest relationship is what she needs more than anything, and will help her to talk to you in the future about more important things.
Cameras and Fingerprinting are for crimes--this is an expensive mistake, but still more an error in judgement and mishandling of feelings than a crime. Put your focus back on her, not him. Best of luck.
L.,
If your child did major damage to your home and if not punished, she will/might do similar damage to other property in future. It does not matter WHO is paying for her phone, as her custodial parent, you CAN take it away from her. Just let her dad know why and that if he needs to reach her he must do it through the family NUMBER for until her punishment is over. You might talk to a juvanile judge and see what kind of punishment would be given if she had done the damage to private property, just to let her know what COULD happen. I suspect it would just be a fine, but not sure it would be a few days in custody.
As for the concert ticket in June. Punishment should be WAY over by June!
Children need to be aware of what their actions could cost. In your case it isn't just monetary damage, it is something that affects all family members and needs to be discussed. Having said that, she needs to know that she is loved and forgiven by both you and your new husband, but must apologize and face the consequences of her actions.
Blessings.....
June is a long time away, and she has to be able to earn your trust in order to go, but I wouldn't hold that concert over her head. Punishments for behavior needs to be immediate. No computer, no tv time, no texting, no up coming sleepovers or something.
But also, provide her with plenty of positive reinforcement and attention. Help her focus on working on the home and gaining allowance to help 'contribute' to the cost of wallpaper repair.
I don't know if it's just me or being in a home with small boys who destroy wall all the time, but I wouldn't spend thousands of dollars on a wallpaper job at this point.
I also wouldn't mess with surveillance or fingerprinting. Kids need to learn the repercussions of honesty, not be proven with it.
I would say the punishment would need to "fit the crime". If she caused the damage she would need to "earn" the money to fix the damage. There are tons of household chores and even neighbors that need chores done.
Make her earn the money to fix the damage. Yard work, extra cleaning tasks above and beyond her normal chores...have her clean out her stuff and have a garage sale or take stuff to a resale shop. It is a very hard hitting lesson when you realize how hard it is to earn a dollar and how it doesn't go very far. I bet those concert tickets would fetch a pretty penny if sold on ebay...maybe that would be incentive to earn the money to fix the damage another way without having to sale the tickets.
Also, there would be very little time for tv, computer, and friends if she is having to work say two hours after school everyday on these extra chores...maybe even two and a half hours everyday (at $8.00 an hour, minimum wage) that is $100.00 a week...she could work it off in less than six months.
Maybe what I am suggesting is too harsh for a tween...I am not there, yet. But it sounds like something my parents would have come up with...
