Dealing with My Future Mil Not Accepting Me

Hi W.,

I think the best advice I can give you from my experience is to be up front with her. Take her to lunch like you did you father-in-law and let her know how you feel. I think this will help a lot. My mother-in-law and I get along great, and I think that's because I'm honest with her and she respects that. She never gets in the middle of my husband and I's relationship because my husband also lets her know its not her place. My father-in-law is also great because of this reason... they know their place. I hope this helps.

I had a tough time with my mother in love for the first 10 yrs. She had a really hard time with sharing the people that she loved. I will tell you this, she was on her third wife with my husbands brother, and because we lived so far away she didn't want to connect with me. Let me give you some insight... before you walk down the aisle she will not even begin to accept you because your commitment to her son is not binding in her eyes. Then you will have to love up on her to win her over. It will take time. Unfortunately you are going to have to wade through the sins of the first wife and the rememberances of your youth. Especially where you are both divorced. In her mind it is a protection against heartbreak again. She doesn't trust your fiance to get it right eother. You just need to hang in there and see her stuff as her stuff. That is why I call my mother in law my mother in love, because it took alot of unconditional love to win her over. try not to see everything as a personal hardship or a judgement but realize how terribly worried she is for her family. Oh and if there is no reason to put off the wedding, you might want to make your family official sooner than later. It will ease her mind a bit, but hey if you know you are meant to be why wait...? Just my toey opinion. Listen i know it's hard to see it from the other side of the yard, but it will work out and she will see clearly. Mine did and the sad thing is that we only have had six really good years. She has cancer of the brain and won't be with us much longer. I hope you are able to borrow a little something from my experience.
M.

When is your wedding planned? Your future MIL may disapprove of you and her son living together unmarried with all the children in the house, and your homeschooling her grandchildren when you're not yet officially their stepmother. She may not introduce you to people because she is embarrassed to call you his "fiancee" when you're obviously living together as an already married couple. If you're not comfortable asking her if this is the problem, do you think either your fiance or your future FIL could tell you if this might be what's wrong? If the wedding takes place soon, a lot of these problems might well be resolved.

W.,

Just reading over some of the responses you've received, and want to put in my two cents. You DO NOT have to accept this treatment. You do not owe this woman any explanation or justification. You are living your life, and you have a responsibility to YOURSELF live your life without apology. This woman has "entitlement" written all over her. And I am guessing this behavior has a lot more to do with her son than it does with you. Where is he in all of this? The only reason this woman is in your life is because she is HIS mom.

If he can't stand up to his mom, then he cannot stand up for himself, or for you. That puts you in a damn tough position. Consider whether you want to marry this guy. What is it about him that is so fabulous? Why are you with someone who has allowed you to be treated this way for so long? And STOP accepting it. I like the ideas sent to you about asserting yourself more, embarrassing her, etc. She will not stop unless she has a reason to, so, if you really want it to stop, then give her a good reason. Good luck, and be of good heart! You CAN do this!

V.

W.,
I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. Let me first say i am very sorry!! When I was with my husband, well before we got married, I met my MIL. She didn't like me or my child and it showed. She would favor all of the other grandkids and totally ignore mine. I finally looked at my soon to be husband and said I am leaving and i will never return to this house again! He pulled me aside and asked what happen so I told him. I started to walk out of the house when i heard him say to her "Mom this is the woman I am going to marry and this is the son I am going to raise. If you don't treat them right then you are not welcome in their life or mine!" She quickly came around..... and when my husband and I were breaking up 5 years later.... it was his mom who tried to keep us together. Letting me know I was the best thing that ever happen to him.

It will take sometime.... but your soon to be husband needs to stand up to his mother and put his foot down!

Oh W. - some mothers-in-law are the pits, huh?

My husband and I have been together for over 19 years - 15+ of those have been married. And my mother-in-law still treats me like I don't exist.

At holidays, she wants to do everything herself. It's also an ego thing. If she spends a week cooking for Thanksgiving, you've GOT to compliment her. So, every year, I ask if there is anything I can do/bring to make things easier for her. Since my father-in-law passed away, she has let me bring something. But then she will go to my husband and ask him to bring something else totally different - like what? Maybe we don't talk? Ok, to be fair - she usually asks hubby to bring wine - but he works full time and I'm a SAHM, so I'm the one actually out getting the dang wine!

That's just one little thing she does. So, I totally understand where you are with this. I limit my exposure to her. My husband goes over every weekend to see her and do her "man chores" for her. I go on Sunday - after the baby has had her nap and only for a few hours.

I know that in my situation, there is no happy ending. So, I guess you'll have to figure out how important her approval is. If your father-in-law is good, focus on that - I did. Limit your time with her and the things you are willing to do to humor her and stroke her ego. Tell your man where the line is and you and he discuss it so it won't be a surprise to him. Don't limit his time with her if he wants more than you do.

Those are my suggestions. I can't say I'm happy with my situation, but I can live with this much better than I can live with the results of my having a fit! I know that's not super helpful, but it's what I've got.

Good luck!

Dear W. ~

I have been thinking about you for the past several hours and quite frankly, I wonder your MIL's problem is? Is she afraid that you are going to be wild like before? Is she afraid you will leave like his ex? Does she disapprove of the homeschooling? Or is she upset that you are a SAHM, and not out in the work force? Maybe she thinks that she is protecting her son...who knows? And quite frankly, the more I thought about this the more I realized it really doesn't matter. Because whatever you do has to work for you (and your family), not for your MIL. Your MIL is still playing Mommy, your finance needs to set some new boundaries. Oh, so very hard to do, as I have had to give guidance to my mother in the "I will handle it" department. The positive part of giving our parents boundaries is they understand that we are in control of the situation and are mature enough to handle it. My mother, although she disagrees with some of my choices understands where I am coming from and has great respect for me as a human being. And in a way our relationship changed for the better, she now has knowledge that it is no longer necessary for her to step in and fix my problems. And by setting these new boundaries it released her from the stress of trying to "fix" everything, she understands that this is truly "what we have decided to do." as a family. And that "my" family, will come first. Also, it is helpful to the "Grandparents a.k.a In Laws" as they understand their "new" role in supporting "your" family situation. Although, uncomfortable at first, after an adjustment period, I think that the situation would improve. And your MIL would be proud of the man (not little boy) who she has raised. One that will stand up for what he believes in and support "his" family and especially his wife.

Her problem, really isn't about you as a person. W., just by reading your concerns I can tell that you are doing what you think is right for your family. There is really nothing more that a MIL could ask for. Hopefully, after your MIL adjusts to her new role, she can learn to love and support you. And maybe she can even leave alone things that don't need fixing.

Oh, sweetheart - my heart hurts for you. I remember trying so hard to please my own MIL without success. It sounds like you've done all you can and there just isn't any pleasing her. I'm willing to bet this coldness toward you has nothing at all to do with you. My recommendation? Keep "killing her with kindness" and leave the rest to her. Let go of as much as you can by taking it to Someone who can take it all. And realize that you can't change her. As for your fiance, he needs to decide whether or not you are important enough to him to stand up for. If you aren't, as much as you love him and his sons, perhaps this isn't the man for you.

All the best to you and your family, W.. Hang in there!

~ R.

My heart goes out to you! It sounds like you have been trying to be the bigger person and just not "react" to what she says/does. There are certain things that as DIL's we seem to have to deal with but one thing I would NEVER accept/tolerate is her disrespecting me infront of my children. I would sit down with your hubby and talk to him because he needs to be on the same page with you. You will never get her to understand that unless he backs you 100%. That is such a tough situation and would be very hard not to just zing her back with comments.

Good luck to you and hang in there!

Hi W.,

This is pretty much what I have experienced with my MIL. We had not been previously married or had any previous kids, so my siuation differs alittle from yours. But the cutting and insulting remarks are meant to hurt and they do!!! After about 4 years, my husband slowly began to come around and the only thing that helped us was him talking with his mom and dad, saying I was his wife and he was not going to except them talking or treating me that way anymore. They continued and now they do not see us or the kids at all. It has been about 7 months since we have had anything to do with them. I think that we have an extreme situation, I'm sure if your fiancee had this dicussion with her/them the behavior would change. Most people will do it until confronted about it. Cheers to you for homeschooling and it sounds like you guys are blending your family very well!! Keep your head up and remeber somtimes certain remarks come from jealousy and they are not true at all. I would strongly suggest your soon to be hubby lays down the line and puts up some neccesary walls to protect you and all of your kids. Good luck! Email me anytime if you want to talk. :)

K.

W.,

I've had some 'unacceptance' from my hubby's family too. I won't go into details, it isn't needed. You've got some good advice already - but I wanted to say that your husband really needs to be the one to speak with his parents - specifically mom. He has to let them know that he has chosen you, that he loves you and that you will be his wife and that they (she) needs to accept this and be respectful to the mother of his children (yes - his children in this blended family) and he has to be very clear about it. He also needs to be the one to say - you either accept this and respect my choices and my partner, or you will no longer have to be in contact with us. This isn't just important for you - it is important for your children. They need to see you respected by your partner and by other adults in the family. If the other adults in the family do not respect you - it could transfer to them - not only with them not respecting you - but their self esteme. It would be wise for your guy to point that out as well. State that only those who respect our family and teach our children to respect adults are permitted contact with our children. Then the choice is up to his mom. If she doesn't respect you in your home and around the children - then she doesn't get visits with the children. It's a hard thing to do - but it has to be done.

I wish you the best with this.

You can't please people who don't want to be pleased. the important thing is that you don't let it stress you out. The persons you have to please yourself, the dad, your children, and God.

I took my youngest out of public school and homeschooled. He is now 24. He wanted to go back to public school for high school for all of the activities. He was in special ed classes and gifted classes when I took him out. He had a deciphering disability so reading was very hard for him. But he was very smart. when he returned to public school he refused to have any LD classes or labels. He would have still qualified. He graduated with honors. I remember the day when he looked at me and said. "imagine what I would have been able to achieve if we had really worked hard."

There is great benifit to your children seeing how you solve problems and My mother-in-law would go so far as to scream at me in public that I was ruining my son's life. But when he graduated with such distinction she simply stated, "I knew he could do it." You can't win this battle. so don't fight concentrate on the blessings you have at home.

After my son returned to public school I became a teacher. trust me half of public school is lion taming and crowd control. I teach math and chemistry at the high school level. You children probably would only get about 3hours per day of quality education. You are doing fine. Plus the children have the advantage of having curriculum geared to their learning styles and interest.

Don't get discouraged. also the public school system has to supply you with resourses and the availability of benchmark tests if you wish.

You will do fine

DE Swanson

I am kind of struggling with the same thing (long story blah blah blah) :) I know this is gonna sound strange but honestly you have to change it in your head first instead of thinking of her as checking in on you to see if you are raising the kids right think of it as her loving all the kids so much and loving her son so very much and start giving her compliments make a goal everyday to give her a compliment and make it sincire there has to be something you like about her anything even if it is as simple as "I like your earrings" I know this sounds crazy but do it and all of these things get better just start thinking differently as hard as it may be. Good luck and god bless you I would love to hear if you use this method! ____@____.com

I also like what Shelby and Amy P had to say.
I think making the MIL secure in herself and her caring is awesome, you do get more bees with honey than bitterness and hurt. Do your best not to let her get to you but even as I say this I know it is so hard, let me share what I have seen with someone I know:

Have you ever heard the phrase that you marry the family. It may not get any better if you marry and you have to realize this is what you may deal with all your married life. I know someone whose mother in law has caused them problems all their married life. She has not been happy the whole time because of the mother in law. Had she realized the mother in law was so possessive it would have clued her in that the son was a spoiled rotten mama's boy. Had she realized how bad it would get- I don't think she would have married him. I really feel for her because it has been going on 17 years. Really think and pray about this situation and how it will continue to and how it is affecting the children and yourself. Also, about the living together- think about the fact if you would want any of your kids doing that. Maybe that is part of what is bothering the mom, maybe she doesn't like the message it is sending to her grandkids. I know as a mom I wouldn't like that even knowing my kids are engaged. How was she before you were living together towards you - was she always rude to you. Does your financee seem happy?

I think it's great you are homeschooling and that your kids are asking questions and you are having fun with it. You have to evaluate the whole situation and accept the fact that it may not ever get better, it may be that in her eyes noone is good enough for her son, maybe it has nothing to do with you. If this is the case, you may always have problems with her. Is he an only child???

I wish you only the best. I think you would be better off without living together first and getting reacquainted with one another again and see how the mom responds. Maybe she would respect you more that way.

Please remember and take one thing seriously KNOW what you are getting into. As I stated before it may not get any better, you can pray about it, and change your attitude and things about yourself and kids (if that is what you want) but you can never change her. Only God can change someone's heart. I will pray for you and your family W..

One last important thing - DOES HE STICK UP FOR YOU??? THIS IS SO IMPORTANT BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T YOU MAY EVENTUALLY RESENT HIM. IF HE DOESN'T STICK UP FOR YOU NOW THERE IS NO GUARANTEE HE EVER WILL. HE NEEDS TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP TO MOM AND LET HER KNOW THAT YES, HE IS HAPPY AND IT WAS HIS CHOICE AND TO STOP BEING SO DISRESPECTFUL OF YOU.

Take care,
K.

I have the same problem with my mother- the way she treats my husband at times. She didn't used to see us at all, until we had grandkids. Now she has attempted to be more civil and stop the comments, because, I as her daughter told her, as long as you disrespect my husband to his face or in front of the kids, this is he way it is going to be. So there were no visits or phone calls AT ALL.
When kids get to be teenagers, they have enough problems with respect and what not. We didn't want my mother's influence to be harmful, you know, telling them things they didn't need to know or trying to skew their image of us to win their favor. It has been done before. My Mom is a neat lady, but that behavior is harmful, and she turned herself around when she realized I was dead serious. I think it took about a year of emphasizing the respect and not being able to 'visit' before she changed. I was not angry or spiteful when I drew the line- it was he hardest thing I have ever done, because my Mom is one of those ladies who are passionate about her kids, and gets very emotionally involved.
I was very respectful about it, and she said she understood, and then we didn't hear from her for a while. A few weeks later she called, made a few complaints about what I had said, and I started o say good-bye, and she decided to change the subject. A few months went by, and she started to be careful with her remarks and attitude around my husband. We married at 19 in the Army. He was not the guy she thought I should marry.:) So I do understand. Your husband needs to be the one to face his Mom respectfully and defend you to her- otherwise it will not stop. If you defend yourself, this will only get messier. Hopefully he is on board with that.

My family had a similiar experience with my dad's family growing up. My dad adopted my sister, me and brother when we were 9,3,2. He was the only father I've ever known, or wanted to know. He gave us his lastname. His name is on my birth certificate. By all legal rights he is my father, but that was never good enough for his family. I grew up with my cousin (my dad's nephew) We are only 2 months apart, so we were in the same class. When I was young, he told me that I would never be apart of his family because my father wasn't my biological father (and appearently that is all that mattered to them) It caused a lot of trouble in my parents' relationship at first. I think dad felt guilty and mom felt unwanted. My parents were married for 25 years, when my died. At his funeral, my aunts were still calling me his step-daughter. Maybe she'll come around, and maybe she wont. Just keep doing what you're doing and make a happy/healthy family. You owe this woman nothing. Who is she to question your kids to check on their progress? Maybe a little time away from the kids will help remind her who the mother and father are.

W.....I feel your pain! I have a monster in law and she has gotten a lot better since I had her grandbaby but, she has burned a lot of bridges along the way. I have been with my husband for 7 years and married for almost 3. Since the beginning of our relationship, she has done numerous things to make me feel disliked. She used to call me at work and tell me that she would not allow our relationship, she used to call our house and disguise her voice and ask for my boyfriend (at the time) saying she was his girlfriend. She even tried to sabotage our wedding.....twice!!! Among plenty of other things. YOUR MAN NEEDS TO ADDRESS THIS WITH HER! My husband definitely lets me fight most of my battles with her but, when she does things to me that is absolutely belittling and hateful....he puts her in her place! Also, hang in there. My monster in law was very judgemental and had her mind made up on what she thought of me before she even met me. I was never the person that she gossiped to her friends about. She would even tell me to my face we would end up broken up. Give yourself time to prove her wrong. Who wasn't wild in highschool?

Dear W.,
It sounds awful. I am having trouble trying to get my husband and my parents to accept each other. My husband is positive that my parents bully me and they are pretty sure that it is the other way round. Between them I get a fair bit of stick! Your situation sounds rather worse, however. My opinion is that if this woman doesn't want to accept you, she won't, no matter how wonderful you are (and I bet you are!) Tough for her. Perhaps when she says something hurtful you might feel up to saying "I find that hurtful", and leave it at that. And I want to recommend that you stop trying to get along with her, although I'm thinking that would be harder to do than to say! Point is, you're great, she's crackers. Her loss. Best wishes!

I would first talk to your husband, if you haven't already. If he doesn't confront her, I would. Something like, "Look, I understand that you're concerned for your son and grandchildren, but I'm here to stay and I will not let you bully me and demean me. It would be a shame for you to lose touch with them because you can't compromise and treat me in a civil manner." Sometimes people like this just need to be shown that you're not a pushover. At best, you'll earn her respect and she'll back off. At worst, she'll continue to make comments and at least you've said your peace and can remind her, "I won't be spoken to like that, please leave." Or you leave, whatever the situation may be. Like Oprah says, 'you teach people how to treat you.'

God bless you. I think your boyfriend-hope soon husband needs to stand up for you and put his mom in her place. It is not up to you to live up to her standards. Marriage would help define comittment. This boyfriend needs to determine the future for you and the kids. The mom needs counseling too but it would be up to her son to initiate it with him. I wish you the best. If you have a church please seek help from them. Ask God and look in scripture for your help in responding to her. Say nothing that will give her a chance to respond negatively. Maybe a lunch date with her one-on-one to determine what she has against you--clear the air and put her on the spot. Ask your mate for help in the approach. Hope this encourages you

Dear W.,

This sounds all too familiar. I have been with my husband now for over fifteen years he had 2 I had 2 and we had 2 together. My in laws never liked me and my mother never liked him. In the begining my mother was the worst culprit, she would call me daily telling me what a horrible mother I was for marrying him and what a big mistake I was making, I would be in tears every night when he came home. My husband told her not to come around unless she had something positive to add and I supported him in that. She still does not like him but she keeps it to herself. My in laws on the other hand were not as blatent, it was subtle but you knew it was there. The if I must put up with you I will attitude, but I was clearly beneath them. After two years we moved closer to the in laws per my husbands request, that was the worst mistake ever. They would drop by unannounced, look around my house with disapproval because it was not a showroom like theirs. My FIL was more accepting of my children than my MIL, that is different huh? I remember one day I said something my MIL did not like and she slapped me across the face so I slapped her back. Even though she had slapped me first, my husband told me I should not have slapped his mother. Now wether or not I should or should not have, I think that my husband should have also admitted that his mother was also wrong but to this day he will not even admit that she even hit me. I personally think that I reacted badly, but it was a gut reaction. I was attacked and I defended myself, that is how I grew up. After that incident things only got worse. During this time I was also going through some major female health problems and also working the graveyard shift to help make ends meet. After nearly bleeding to death the doctors decided it was best to do an emergency hysterectomy. During this time I earned some respect but to this day they still do not like me or approve of me, I was raised in a different social world than theirs and I will always be beneath them. My Husband by the way never did stand up for me in any of this. Oh another thing that happened was that when my youngest child was in the hospital as a baby my in laws tried really hard to sabotage my marraige by having my husbands ex come stay with them and my family was in the house overnight with them and it was not the first time that had happened. They told him lies about things I said that I did not actually say and he actually picked a fight with me over the phone while my child was in the hospital after just having surgery. It was at the time after I had gone through this with my child and then shortly after going through my surgery that I told my husband I was done and that I was going to move home to my mothers until I could get on my feet. He begged me not to go and promised that we would move else where to improve things. Things did improve for a while but then they got worse again. It has been a virtual roller coaster of emotions and moods for years. I know my husband loves me but I think he is caught between loyalties and does not know how to deal with his emotions. We have been through a lot over the years and if I had to do it all over again knowing what I know now, I would not choose to go through this, no matter how much I love him. I have been fighting the good fight trying to put out the fire as the one girl put it for years, but there comes a point where you realize that either you knock a hole in the wall or suffocate to death because this fire keeps on burning and getting brighter with time. I am almost at that point but I am still trying with all my might, mind, heart and soul. My advice would be to really take a good long hard look at what you are embarking on, have a talk with your future husband and see what his reactions are to your feelings, if he is not supportive he is not ever going to be. Talk to your future mother in law and see what her reactions are going to be. Above all else pray furvently with an open heart and listen for his answer. I know this can't be easy, my heart goes out to you, as do my prayers. Good luck and God bless all of you.

D.

Personally, I would sit down with your fiance & explain to him how this makes you feel & that he needs to do something about it- it is his mom- & that if she can't respect his own decision in his life to be happy then she doesn't need to come over anymore. Just remember your kids are hearing this and they too feel the stress this is putting on your relationship and family. They deserve to not have to deal with it and shee needs to realize she is hurting them. GOOD LUCK!!!

W.,
I am so sorry that you have to put up with that. I know you love your sweetheart. He is the one who needs to stand up to her and put a stop to this. It is his mother. Sounds like he needs to tell her to butt out.

Good luck.

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my MIL. Although, this was our first marriage, my MIL hated me. She thought I was taking away her son. She showed up to the wedding, only because of my FIL. She was unbearable, wouldn't help, refused to talk to my family or I. It wasn't until we became pregnant with our son did she finally warm up. I think she needed to find that bond and realize that I was not stealing her son. Now we are good friends and talk on the phone regularly.

Hopefully, that's all your MIL needs; to find that bond. She may think that your stealing him away. She could be thinking that she had her little boy back and now you are standing between them. I do think that your finance' needs to stand up for you. You are the women in his life, and your MIL needs to understand that she needs to learn to share him again.

BTW, don't take anything she says personally. You already realize what she is trying to do, so don't let your emotions get the best of you, no matter how much it may hurt. Her own insecurities are why she says what she says. Your are a better women.

It is very common chemical reaction to MIL or soon to be MILs. There really is nothing you can do. Sorry. You also can't say anything bad about her to him because she is his mother. Since she only drops by once a month you're lucky but better yet. Take the kids over to her once a month instead, she can babysit and you and her son go see a movie or something. Try to make the best of it. If she bugs you too much, you can just take the kids and go home. It is easier than kicking her out of your home or leaving you no place to run to.

Hi W.,

I have a mother in law from hell too. I've been together with my husband for going on 16 years now, and she still hasn't fully excepted me. The best advice I can give you is to tell him how much it hurts your feelings when his mom does this, and that you love him and would never accept this behavior torwards him from anyone in your family. It worked for me, well we ended up moving 400 miles from her. But they still talk everyday. Now when we go visit she is well behaved. For the sake of the kids don't make it a bigger deal. In the end you and him are FAMILY with your children, and YOU choose who, when, where, and what. If she doesn't like it, she will have to learn to behave. Don't power trip, just realize if what you have is worth it, He should understand. She will always be his mother so he needs to put her in her place. Don't let her belittle you, if she sees it working she won't stop. I'm sure I speak for alot of the women on here by saying, "Stand your ground, we've got your back."

I guess the bigger question is how does your fiancee react when these things happen. Does he appologize or rationalize for her and expect you to let the "punches" roll off, or does he support you by stepping in and introducing you when you're left out of introductions, including you in conversations when she talks around you, etc. Has he had a frank, private talk with his parents about his feelings for you and that he wants them to respect you as his future wife and mother to all six of the children? Remember, his role between the two of you is a tough one--he loves both his mom and you and doesn't want either to be angry with him. That is not to apologize for him, just to have you understand he is also in a tough spot. Still, he is to be your husband, and the bond between the two of you and with your children is the primary bond--not the one with his mother. He is the one to make that point perfectly clear to her.

Another question. Do you have a ring and a date? Often parents such as his mother will not accept the new fiancee unless they know it is serious, particularly if she liked his wife and felt betrayed by her leaving the marriage and treating "her boy" that way. If she treated the wife the same way, you can be sure she isn't going to change her approach to you any time soon!

Being hurt rather than standing up for yourself and your children only continues to hurt both you and the kids--certainly not her. Being defensive doesn't work either, because clearly this woman has a practiced, well-refined cutting edge on her tongue and knows exactly how to ice you out. Next time she omits you in introductions when you're out without fiancee, and before the conversation has a chance to move beyond the introductions, introduce yourself by saying, "And I'm [your name], [finacee's name]fiancee, how nice to meet you." How about some questions back to her when she makes her cutting remarks, like, "Why would you SAY [slight emphasis, not overdone] such a thing?" "You really MEAN [ditto on emphasis] that?" "Well, that's YOUR [ditto] opinion and I see it differently." In all cases, don't say another word after that remark. Let her deal with the comment on her own. Questions such as these when she starts criticising you about the kids are also appropriate, especially if the kids are present. They may not say anything, but you can be sure they are getting hurt by such critical remarks about their "never quite right" performance. If they see you standing up to her by asking these questions, they'll learn a valuable lesson in how to treat verbal bullies themselves and know you support them 100%.

Just remember, this is your fiancee's mom, and you'll be dealing with her for the rest of your life when you're married, so no reason to make an enemy of her, AND no reason to be her door mat, either. Your kindness, self-intervention, and attitude will make the situation easier to manage, but it isn't going away. Ever watch Everybody loves Raymond? There are people like Marie in this world, and you can't let them dominate the place in your life that is reserved for your fiancee and your children and your lives together. Good luck!

Dear W.,

I totally understand where you are coming from. My mother-in-law didn't accept me for about 10 or 11yrs. My husband and I have been married now 18yrs. Your mother-in-law may or may not ever accept you the difference will be with your husband. He needs to show his mother that he loves you and that he is happy NO NEGATIVE TALK TO HER AT ALL because this will only prove to her that she is right you are not good. She has in her mind already that he got the raw end of the stick because you have the 4kids package deal that is too much for her to accept for her son, not to add but also that she knew how you were before and she doesn't want to accept that you have changed. She wanted the best (which you are it for him in the Lords eyes) but in her obscured human eyes you are not the best choice for him. It is sad and there is nothing you can do but pray for her and love her but also know that your husband is the KEY to any positive outcome for you and her. My husband had to leave (totally) and cleave (to me)for her to get the hint that she has no power over our family. Well she got sick and I was the first one to call her and see if she needed anything. She did and then she seen without husband and kids involved that I was a REAL person with real emotions (not by her son telling her that) but through love, patience and not getting upset in the process (oh of course it hurt bad). Love covers a mulitude of sin remember that verse but also remember that you are a mother and wife to protect your kids as well from them seeing the negative she is doing to you and your family. Your mother-in-law may not see that she is doing this because this is normal to her to treat her son in this manner. Email me : ____@____.com and maybe I can share more of my pain and story that I had to go through. I'll be praying. K.