Dealing with a Large Family?

You know... there's SHY/private/etc. and then there's "Aloof".

It can be difficult to tell the difference, but here's a good rule of thumb:

Aloof kids (like 1 of them) are common in big rowdy families, because it's a way of getting attention. By only answering 1 word, she's making other people stop what they're doing and pry the info out of her. It's how she 'competes'. Others might go on and on drowning other people out (hogging the air waves). Others might interrupt or speak over each other. Others might be early or late to every event. Others might early bird it or night owl it. Some go for 'excellence'. Others go for the 'bad boy' vibe. There are DOZENS of ways that those from large families carve out their "spot" in other people's attention AND their private time. Aloofness is ONE of them.

If she's happy & outgoing & has no issue sharing with other people (friends, teachers, etc.), then she's not shy. She's getting her attention from her parents and siblings by making them pull teeth.

If she's shy or introverted (two VERY different things), she's not manipulating others into paying attention to her by holding back and making them come to her.

Shy extrovert (most common): she'll be WANTING to speak up, but doesn't. If she's an shy extrovert, she'll be hanging around the edges of things, wanting to join in but not unless someone brings her into the mix... the classic 'wallflower' is a shy extrovert. A shy introvert will stay home, a shy extrovert will go out, but be on the outside looking in. This is the kind that does best in a large group with a "wingman" to metaphorically hold her hand / keep bringing her into the conversation. She won't join in on her own, although she wants to. Not a good 1:1 type person, better in a group of people talking.

Shy introvert: She WON'T be wanting to speak up, and is perfectly / most happy by herself or with a very small group / 1:1. This is the kind you can usually have GREAT 1:1 time with, but they need a lot of privacy. If they don't get their alone time, then they CAN'T actually do 1:1 with someone, because it's too exhausting to them.

((Doesn't sound like she's an Outgoing Introvert: (that's me) has NO problem talking to people, joining in, starting things, etc. BUT they need a lot of alone time / privacy. When they HAVE to be around other people; school/ family/ etc., then their "spare" time the usually spend by themselves or with 1 other person. Again, a good 1:1 type person).

From what you describe, I would think she's either aloof, or a shy extrovert.

Aloof, there's not really much you can do about, since it's a choice.

Shy extrovert... ditch the 1:1 for now... and think "spa days" & "girls nights". She'll feel most comfortable talking if there are a group of people talking AND someone is constantly 'inviting' her into the conversation (What do you think, has that ever happened to you, ever known anyone who... etc.). Ideally, ask them 2nd or 3rd or the shyness will make them hold back.

I found that my older son would open up if we were driving somewhere. That's when I learned the most, when he was able to share his thoughts. It took prompting on my part, & it also took humor....as in, "one word? That's all you're going to say to me? One word?". It helped, it eased open the communication between us, & he's 24 & it still works!

Sit down & have a talk with her. Be open. Tell her you know she feels isolated, & you're aware of it. By acknowledging your interpretation of her, you may pop open the cork! Tell her that you need more than single word answers....& it's time to work together on it.

Hope this helps.....

I have a 16 yo too, she's gives me the one word answers. Unless, of course, I am being completely stupid and need to be told exactly how to do something, like change a lightbulb, because only she knows how. hehe Im being facetious.

Mine opens up when I go into her room and just talk about nothings. Her friends, who dates who, what the newest video on youtube is. I go in on Saturdy mornings and snuggle. I help her clean her room, well, I sit and chit chat, she cleans. She also talks in the car. So I make an effort to take her only to the grocery store for this or that.
I try to be interested in her world, sometimes I'm not, but I give her my ear.
My husband also helps. He will take just her to Lowe's or out with him just for some one on one time.
We both time at every swim meet and go to every orchestra concert. He tries to chaperone the field trips at school.
Keep being interested in her life. Be there for her.

The first thing that comes to my mind is that this is what sixteen-year-olds do. The one-word answers. The FB boyfriend. Oy.

So even though you want to be on her side, it still may be difficult to communicate.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor and asking how to communicate with this girl? It sounds as if you may be a different personality type.

I know one thing you need to do is get into a habit of asking her questions that require more than a one-word answer. Instead of asking, "How was your day?" (answer: "Fine" or "rotten"), you ask, "What were the best things that happened today?" (You still might get one word: "Nothing.")

What sort of music does she like? She does she like to do in her free time? Is it something you can get interested in so that you can ask her questions about it?

Another thing: Look for good things about her, and comment on them, briefly but out loud. Don't do it to open up a discussion, start a deep conversation, or even expect an answer. "Good artwork you've done there." "I like that sweater on you - it's a good color with your hair." Make them "popcorn" statements - short and to the point. But do it often - several times a day if you can. Your daughter may not respond, but she won't forget. People like to know that others think positive things about them without having any ulterior motives. Even moms.

I have a cousin who sounds a lot like your daughter. She was SOOO quiet around family, but who knew that she had this whole slew of interests and a personality? Over the years I have gotten to know her through FB. It is tough to be the odd one out, espeically in a family! As a parent it is normal for us to support their interests, but when a child is feeling left out, I think you have to go above and beyond and TAKE an interest in her interests.

Maybe you could take a trip with her to Chicago and visit the art museums--Chicago Institute of Art, Museum of Contemporary Art, the Loyola University Museum of Art (which is right off the Magnificent Mile downtown), etc. Maybe even invite the BF along too??