Dealing W Out of Town Wedding

Deep breath! ahh aren't family weddings fun? Ok, so hubby isn't being too fun right now, but well, if there's a way to disengage, do so. I would tell him it will be over in one or whatever days it takes to do this event. And then if you can, just try to enjoy it. Since you are fully aware that he is a lot of hot air talk, then just let him do it. It will soon be over.

I would tell him that the wedding is not about him and his feelings; it's about your sister and the start of a new chapter in her life. Tell him that as an adult he needs to put on his big boy pants, suck it up, and go without having an attitude. Remind him that he doesn't want to be known to his future brother in law's family as 'the bride's sister's husband .. you remember that sour puss who was a jerk at the wedding.' Even a young child can behave well for a short period of time. Surely your husband can manage the same thing.

Honestly, I won't even go in to some of the things that happened between my bilogical family and my husband in the early years, it was rough. Bad things were said all around. The one thing my husband said to me (before we were married) that gave me a lot of respect for him and I still can hear him say it clear as day, was that my family was my family and always would be...I had to still love and respect them no matter what...that he would do whatever it took to make things right. And he has done that. The fact that my husband has enough love for me to support my relationship with my family (even when they can be crazy) makes me love him even more. And the love between him and my family now is exaclty what I wanted in a husband and father...it just took 2-3 years for things to be as great as they are and have been.

My younger sister's husband has done the opposite and I can tell you that 6 years later (and a year and some months of marriage) the tensions are still there. Every holiday, every time there is a fight, whatever...it's a strain on the whole family. My kids (7, 9, and 11) even see the way HE acts. My sister is our blood family and we will always fight for her....no matter what.

Your husband sounds like my BIL on steroids. My BIL isn't nearly that bad.

If my husband acted the way yours is, I would seriously re-evaluate my chocie in a husband and father for my kids. I would not even want him to come to the wedding...or his support at all.

I know a lot of people are pointing fingers at your husband, & my advice in no way excuses his behavior. But looking at your comments regarding talking to him about how your sister upsets you, & his response? You need to stop that. Now.

Family is important, and until/unless you are ready to walk away from yours, stop confiding in your husband about things they do which bother you. Because it is simply fueling his fire.

And when he does get off on a rant about your sister? Calmly say "I know, she has upset me in the past too. But she is more mature now, and you know what? She's family - my family. I am trying to let the past be in the past & move forward to have a good relationship with her. I would appreciate if you would, if not do the same, at least not talk badly about her, because it hurts my feelings, and makes it hard for me to move forward".

I hope you are all able to have a celebratory time at her upcoming wedding & put feelings aside. T.

That first Christmas? When he turned his nose up at a gift? Yeah, that's when I would have reevaluated my relationship with him. What an ungrateful sod. My sister abused me and my husband has never ever said the things yours did about it. He sympathized and listened, but vengeful threats? I wouldn't put up with it. She's my sister and I still love her in spite of it all, and I don't have to see her ever, but it's not my husband's place to avenge my honor or anything dumb like that.
In your shoes, I would leave him at home and go to the wedding with the kids.

Aside from all the obvious advice about how your husband needs to put a smile on his face and attend without an attitude, I think you need to admit how you might be contributing to his attitude, and stop venting to your husband.

If you know your husband flies off the handle in defense of your feelings, you should find another way to vent about your family. Go talk to a girlfriend.

It's only natural for him to come to your defense when you're frustrated; but since he's not related to them, he's not as likely to let things go and remember the love, once you're done venting.

I would let him know in no uncertain terms that she is YOUR sister and he is to keep his nose out of it and follow the rule "if you don't have anything nice to say then say nothing at all".

Your husband sounds like someone I wouldn't want to have children with. His treatment of your little sister is a premonition of how he's going to treat his own children....think about that.

I'd tell him that him staying home would be a nice gift for everyone. Then I'd pick up mom and take off and enjoy as much of the wedding as possible.

Then when you get through that come home and take some time to recuperate. Then move on to how to deal with this husband.

I'd simply tell him off. He has no right to be so horrible about your family. He's got a perfect one right?

My advice is based on a very similar situation. My ex-husband didn't like my family much at all, mostly because he didn't feel welcomed in the beginning (true - my parents didn't really like him, and should have acted better). That said, my ex never got over it and never made an effort to spend time with my family or be a part of things. When my brother got married, my ex was a jerk about the wedding planning, pointing out everything they were doing wrong, how inconvenient it was (we had to fly to the other side of the country, we expected to stay at the very expensive "destination" hotel that offered nothing for us or our children to do all weekend) and how much of an idiot my future sister-in-law was, and why didn't my brother just grow up. You get the impression. I tried several times to tell him that he didn't need to go if he couldn't be pleasant and go to support me, but I didn't really put my foot down and tell him to stay home.

In hindsight, I 100% wish I had. I had an absolutely horrible time. He was passive aggressive to me and to my entire family the entire time. I was torn between wanting to spend time with my family (who are good and fun people) and wanting to placate him. What I ended up doing was disappointing everyone. I was stressed the whole weekend, my kids had no fun, he had a bad time, my brother was disappointed that I wasn't 100% there, it damaged my relationship with my sister in law. Again, you can kind of see the train wreck, right? Nothing obvious to the other guests, but it was awful. I ended up leaving the wedding with my ex and our two kids at 9:30 at night because I had such a pounding headache from all the stress. Everyone else stayed until 2am and had a wonderful time.

I am since divorced (certainly not suggesting that you should divorce your husband over this!) and this is one of my big regrets. I was trying to please too many people and failed. I wish I had cut my losses initially and told him to stay home. Please take my story as a cautionary tale. Your situation may not be the same, but it might end up the same as mine... and I don't wish that on you or anyone.

What kind of advice, specifically are you looking for?

How to deal with your husband? Whether to go to the wedding? Whether and how to reconcile things between your husband and your sister?

I'm not sure of what direction to take this in, but here's a list of things that are within the norm and reasonable, and things that aren't:

WITHIN THE NORM / REASONABLE
Having a wedding 8 hours away from someone else
Not planning your wedding perfectly, in terms of time estimates
Young college students giving less-than-wonderful gifts to their brothers in law

NOT WITHIN THE NORM / UNREASONABLE
Holding Christmas gift issues against people, years later
Ripping people to shreds (even verbally)
Talking about making people regret even being born
Inviting yourself to an in-law's wedding, after your spouse has uninvited you

I don't know your whole situation, of course, but the things you describe honestly raise concerns for your safety. As someone who has dealt with (other people's) mental illness, at fairly close range, I want to say this loud and clear. It's wonderful and admirable to be compassionate and consider other people's viewpoints. I do this, even when the person is clearly irrational. But LOOK AT THE WORLD THROUGH YOUR OWN EYES. If someone is all kinds of furious at someone else, do NOT assume that this is reasonable. Step back, and think through whether you agree.

And for God's sakes, go to this wedding without him.

I think the problem here is your husband, who is being very immature. When you are invited to a wedding, you either go with a smile on your face and support the couple, or you send your regrets and stay home.

I think that if he "won't like it", he should stay home.

You're right, you have no control over the rest, so go without your husband and have fun.

Look, this is your SISTER.
You and your kids are IN the wedding.
Sorry her gift wasn't up to his standards (helllllo?)
But his "job" at this wedding is to get you all there, help you in any wY he can, look after any kids not in the wedding, smile, be polite and otherwise keep his mouth shut. Can he do that?
And honestly? I'd he says he'll go but "not like it"? He should do you ALL a favor and stay home!

A good friend is quite a bit older than her sister and around my friend's wedding they had some issues. And before that her sister did some things that were kind if immature. The sister also did something to put off her future BIL. Nothing blatant but some snide comments. My friend's husband obviously did not care for his future SIL though he was very civil. Fast forward a lot of years and my friend and her sister seem quite close now. I've visited with the sister at times with my friend and she's really matured. Se could happen with your sister. Tell your husband that. So say you want to keep the door open.

Lilly,

Wow...this is a sucky situation. I don't understand your family dynamics and I don't understand your husband holding a grudge for years...it's really affecting him and his ability to make decisions and hurting YOUR marriage.

Your husband is trying to protect you - okay - great what sibling doesn't drive another one nuts?? it's their job!!! LOL!!! His holding a grudge against your sister from YEARS ago she gave him a gift that didn't meet his standards...can I just tell you - SNOB?? Immature, snot-nosed brat...At least she thought of him. Tell him to get over it. If he can't get over it? He needs to stay home.

This is YOUR SISTER. You hope that this is her ONLY wedding, but you want to be there to support her not matter what. If he cannot be a man and supporting husband/spouse? He needs to keep his butt at home and not ruin this for her or her fiance.

If you can't TELL your husband this? You need to find a marriage counselor ASAP so you can LEARN to communicate with your husband. He NEEDS to let his grudge against your sister GO...seriously - over a present???

You can't force people to grow up. But you CAN minimize the situation by telling your husband that the support you need from him??? Is to stay home...

Good luck!!

It sounds like you both are not looking forward , nor desire to be apart of your sister's wedding. To me, that's very sad, and frankly pathetic. You are constantly making negative comments and excuses as to why your husband makes them. Your husband most likely judges your sister based on what you tell him, and that affects his relationship with her. The whole Christmas present thing, was ridiculous. At least she gave him something! If you can't tell him to suck it up and be apart if your family, and genuinely be their for your sister. Genuinely happy, then I suggest you tell her to find another maid of honor.
Added:This her special day, why ruin it? If it's such a hassle for you, don't bring that to her day. Leave anything behind that could potentially ruin it. If that includes your husband, so be it. I have three sister in laws whom I love dearly. Completely. Yes they have made poor choices, and yes their mother might piss me off, but I love them. That's what a family does. We accept fully, and completely. Faults and all.

You know your husband if you think he won't be able to put his feelings aside and help you in a gracious way then insist he stay home. Be good to yourself, your children and your family. Weddings in and of themselves are stressful and this one has te potential to be even more so. If he can't put aside his anger before you go then leave him home. I would tell him I need his support now, before the wedding.

I would also stop venting about family with him. He's shown he can't handle it and his reaction drives you further down.

later: if this is the person you were asking about giving a shower for, why are you going? She's your sister, yes, but she's not going to make this easy for you. She doesn't like the groom's family. Another stressful situation. And if your mother goes you have another difficult relationship to handle. Based on what you've written in these two posts I see a disaster in the making. I suggest that you need better boundaries. I think it's possible that I understand a bit your husband's attitude. I'd either stay home or opt out of being in the wedding party. You've said the wedding is poorly organized. You do not have to be a part of it especially when you weren't included in the planning. Is your sister going to expect you to make things work? If you're the matron of honor that will be your role. Just something to think about.

Only do this out of love. You do not owe your sister or mother anything.

clarification: do this because you love your sister and Mom. I suggest that when we do things only because we feel obligated we usually end up resenting the person.

Do not make your husband. go to the wedding. He does not want to be there. That is his issue.

No excuses to anyone needed. Just say, "no he is not here, he was not able to join us."

Also at some point the 2 of you need to learn to communicate with each other. Go to marriage counseling for goodness sakes.

I have learned the best way to speak to my husband us to say, "I need you to listen to my B!tch!ng, but I just want you to listen not solve it."

As women, we like to talk about things, complain about things and worry about things. Men want to just solve it and most times for them it means, walk away and not actually deal with it, or yell about it and become confrontational. They also can feel slighted and never go back on the slight. They can be like 8 year old boys.

Your sister was young in college. Your husband was being too immature to just give her the benefit of the doubt and realize not everyone can live up to his expectations.

Ask him"are you perfect?" "Do you feel like you gave never made a mistake when trying to be friendly? Do you feel like you always do the right thing for others? Do you think you have never unintentionally slighted others?"

Is he afraid to forgive your sister? Does he not know how he will need to act to fit back into your family?

These are the things the 2 of you really need to be working on, but our lives are very busy. We have a lot of excuses for not dealing with theses things. I hope for your sake at some point, the two of you can make this a priority. A lifetime, can go by so fast, or it can be a weight around your neck.

I have been married a long, long time. Marriage counseling helped us over 30 years ago when we were ready to just get a divorce and be done with all of it. We learned how to speak with each other and face who each of us really is. Very humbling experience, but we still love each other, good, bad and ugly.

I really respect the mamas who are telling you to tell hubby that this is YOUR sister.

I wish that more people would respect biological siblings.

Is it too late to encourage them to elope?

I think you're afraid to be honest with your husband about your feelings, which I understand.

You tried giving him an out, telling him he could stay home, but he didn't take it. That is unfortunate. He could have agreed to staying home and thinking it was his choice. That would have been easy.

Pick the right time and tell him the truth, gently, but seriously.

Tell him honestly that YOU are extremely stressed out by all of his horrid comments about the wedding. And YOU are VERY concerned something at this event will infuriate him, and his true feelings about your sister will be obvious enough to make YOU and OTHERS miserable. Acknowledge that your past venting has contributed to getting him riled up, but that you WERE just venting. Tell him that YOU genuinely love your sister and family and you REALLY want enjoy this special event with them.

Then just wait. Pause. He doesn't have to respond right away. Give him some time and quiet space to respond. His response will be very telling. His response will tell you if is truly cares about your feelings and about other people. Or if he will disregard your feelings and make it about himself. If he cares about YOU, he will see how his behavior is effecting YOU, and he will stop making horrid comments, attend with you and be perfect gentleman even if he despises your sister, because he should be able to act like a grown up and a decent husband. Alternatively, he should acknowledge his own stress triggers and anger issues, and not attend, so as not to ruin the day for you and your family.

If he still insists on coming along with huge chip on his shoulder? To me that says he's not willing to make an effort for YOU. And you're going to spend the whole event taking it on as your responsibility to placate him. That isn't right.

I know you're afraid of permanent repercussions, but if you haven't told your husband how worried you are about all of this, you aren't being honest with him. You're hiding your anxiety, and he's clueless. You really have to lay all of your cards on the table, and then take a good honest look at what your husband does in response.

Right in the moment you tell him, he may quickly blurt out something defensive, but if you stay calm, don't engage, and give him some space. It may just sink in, he may come around and realize that he needs to change his behavior.

Please go to counseling with your husband before you go to your sister's wedding. You need a neutral party to help you with this. As difficult as your sister may be, this is still a special day for her & he really needs to let go of the resentment he has for her, if at least for one day.