DD Got Shafted in Counsin's Wedding After Her Fiance Left Dh's Business

This guy sounds like he will get what is coming to him because he will bring his nasty personality with him wherever he goes. Too bad the niece is going to be along for the ride...

May I suggest that there is no need to "have the family split up..." because of this?

Although it has been a tradition in your family to have cousins in the wedding, there was bound to be a time in the family's future where the tradition was broken. It just so happens that now is the time.

Will it really matter a year from now, five years from now, ten, twenty, that your daughter wasn't a bridesmaid in this wedding? Really matter? (If you answer yes, you have bigger problems than can be solved here).

It is their wedding, and you acknowledge this, and regardless of the reason the cousin did not ask your daughter to be a bridesmaid, you have to respect her decision.

So Tom wasn't a good fit for your husband's business. Ok, great. He's gone. Your husband dodged a bullet there not having to fire him. Now, you just have to be pleasant and polite to him at the occasional family gatherings. That's a pretty good deal.

Do you want to be right or do you to have peace in the family? You can only choose the former or the latter.

If it were me, I'd take the high road, realize it's their wedding, and let any bitter, angry feelings go about this. Enjoy the wedding; celebrate with them; wish them well, and go on about your life.

Are you absolutely sure that your husband's niece isn't just bucking the tradition for other reasons? Did she invite all the other cousins to participate, but not your daughter? Or are no cousins in the wedding? Is your daughter a minor? What if the bridesmaids are all adults and they are planning adult-style bachelorette activities and it would be too awkward to work around a kid/teen?

Otherwise, it's very clear to your niece that neither you nor your husband like her husband or have any respect for him. So what is her option? Get you all involved (because your minor daughter would need parental support/participation) and force you to be around a groom you dislike?

Maybe she doesn't like the tradition for other reasons. Maybe there are people on Tom's side of the family whom they are not including either, and it's more fair to leave out everyone?

Bottom line: It's her wedding. So, no, you absolutely don't "call her out on it" because that makes you as demanding as Tom. You dislike her entitled fiancé but feel entitled to have your daughter participate - it doesn't work that way. If your daughter is hurt, now is the time to teach her to stand tall and take the high road, and deal with life's disappointments with class and dignity. And stop using generalizations like "entitled millennial" because stereotypes hurt everyone, and stop using such dramatic phrases as "got the shaft." At the wedding, you all smile and say the right things - no eye rolling during the toasts when someone says how great Tom is or how well matched they are, no remarks, no nothing. You do the classy thing, and you teach your daughter the hard lesson that relatives (like Tom) can be petty or spoiled in business as well as social circles, but that's not how you and your husband roll. I wouldn't spend any time criticizing him to your daughter - that's just how things are, and weddings involve serious decisions about who to leave in/out whether it's bridal party or guest list. Your daughter needs to learn how to manage in life with people she doesn't always agree with. Friends, men, professors, employers...all are going to disappoint her sometimes. She needs to learn to be resilient and not get all wound up about everything. Good time to start those lessons.

What a great opportunity to show your daughter how to be the bigger person.

The mature behavior you model for your daughter may leave an impression that lasts longer then niece’s marriage (and the cousins’ relationship).

i just can't see any scenario where you shouldn't take the high road here. seriously, what on earth could you do that wouldn't put you down on their level or below?

i'm sure it's all due to tom, but the cousin could put her foot down if it were important to her. she hasn't.

if your daughter chooses to have a conversation, well, she gets to pick. if she wants to role play with you beforehand, i'd go along with that.

but you keep your schnozz out of it.

blaming it on millennials is ridiculous. there have always been jerks, and these are yours.

don't be one too.

khairete
S.

Do you know for certain that the Tom situation is behind this decision?

Your DD is 14 or 15, right? Has she been in other weddings as a bridesmaid? Did they maybe just not want a teenage bridesmaid? Having an underage bridesmaid can be sticky when it comes to stuff like a bachelorette party...ultimately your DD might have ended up feeling *more* uncomfortable than she does now!

I'm not sure that you should jump to a conclusion unless you have evidence.

Maybe it's worth asking if your daughter could do a reading at the ceremony or something like that?

And, as others say below - Tom does not sound like a great catch!

This is just one off those things that you really, really have to let go. I completely understand! My situation was a little bit different, but in my family, I was always invited to the rehearsal dinner ... even for female cousins. My MIL refused to include my family in the dinner. She kept saying that it can only be parents and wedding party. (I'm like, is there a law that states that ... will we be arrested?) I think she didn't want to pay for anyone else, and her pride kept her from letting me contribute. I was so hurt! It wasn't the only thing she did that upset me, but it's the one thing I haven't quite been able to leave in the past (though I am trying).

There are so many reasons people make certain decisions for their weddings. My cousins were so good to me and arranged to go out for drinks after the dinner (that they weren't invited to). They didn't blame me, and they didn't get upset. And they found a way to celebrate with me!

I do know you are hurt and upset, but you gotta let this go. Don't let this ruin her wedding. Maybe she is upset about the job, but maybe this has absolutely nothing to do with it. You have many, many, many more years to be family. Take the high road and just help her celebrate. You will be so glad you did! (and so will she)

You are correct, it is her wedding. Regardless of traditions or whatnot she has decided to not have your daughter involved in the wedding. I would just be the bigger person. You all know that this guy is a jerk.

Just leave the drama out. Smile and nod.

Bummer but there's nothing you can do.
Just let it go and wait for the other shoe to drop when this Tom can't hold any job and their marriage suffers for it.
If I were your daughter (and you) I'd be relieved to be left out of this wedding.
How could you honestly celebrate your nieces marriage to such a loser?
It would be really hard to plaster a smile on your faces as niece is making such a huge mistake.

If it's still awkward, niece just might not want that awkwardness as part of her wedding day.

I don't know if I'd put this solely on Tom. She is going to support her fiancé and see his point of view. He may not be controlling her - no matter how big the jerk, or entitled her comes off.

I'm guessing both families involved in the wedding support Tom over your hubby.

So having your daughter involved in the wedding party - might just not have come up.

Have you been involved with that side of the family since all this went down?

I suppose if I was to do anything, I'd have them over for dinner etc. I don't know how awkward it is. Maybe the niece will change her mind - but I wouldn't hold out. I wouldn't say anything.

If it's uncomfortable still, I wouldn't have expected my daughter to be a bridesmaid. I think she's likely old enough to understand that.

I think you knew (from previous post) that this might eventually happen. It's unfortunate your husband was put in this position and it's had negative repercussions for your family.

Hopefully you can just go and enjoy the wedding anyways :)

When my daughter got left out of things I just commiserated with her and advised her to try to let it go. I certainly never contacted the offending parties and told them they had to include my daughter. It's annoying, but not really your business.

And omg, your husband should certainly not be telling his niece who she has to include in her wedding, as suggested below. Sheesh.

Get this sorted out now. This is a divide and concquer power play. Tom is entering your family. Your husband needs to step up as an uncle and tell his niece that’s it’s BS not have her cousin, his daughter in the bridal party wedding. It’s messed up, your family was clearly good enough for him to beg for a job, but not to be in the Bridal party?

There probably isn't a whole lot to do since, as you said, it's her wedding. But I think in times like this people show their true colors. I guess the niece is taking her fiance's side which is probably understandable since she is going to marry him. The other thing to keep in mind is that the fiance probably gave her his side of the story which is twisted to make him look like a total victim and the one who was in the right.
Be polite...move on. Honestly, I really didn't grow up have a close relationship with my cousins - but it is too bad if they used to be close.

Sit down with your daughter, and just give her the bad news - she and the cousin will never be close again because of Tom. She has to choose her husband over your family because he is demanding it of her.

The sooner your daughter accepts it, the better off she is. Be careful around Tom. If he shows up at your house, no telling what he will do. He is BAD NEWS.