Daycare Guilt

I hated taking my daughter to daycare, I cried more than she did. One thing that got me through was my stepsister in law, who said "well, they'll never remember this time" and it's true. I just spend as much time as I can with her. You're lucky that you can visit at lunch! I'm kind of jealous. :-)

Please don't feel guilty!! Both my kids went to day care full time, one started at 9 weeks, the other at 6 weeks. Working part time or staying home was not an option for me either. Weekends and days off were focused on doing everything with the kids. We have a great relationship, they never questioned why I had to work, it was just the way it was and for the first 5 years of their lives, everyone was the same as them. They had lots of great experiences at day care as well, always new activities and fun events.

Hello Kathryn,

I didn't have to use daycare when my children were young but I do own and operate a childcare center now. I have given many hugs to mommies having to leave their little ones. Here are some of the pros that I hope will make you feel better.

1. She is young enough that she can fully adjust without separation anxiety (it is terrible for toddlers sometimes)
2. It isn't the amount of time you spend with your child it is the quality of time. You could spend the entire day with your child and not be a good mom, so don't stress yourself about that. I was a stay at home mamma, and I had to clean, cook, do laundry, I didn't hold my baby all day, I couldn't I had things to do.
3. Providing you have a great caretaker, your child will be loved, and can look at this as a home away from home.
4. I have never seen a child that didn't have a smile ear to ear when they saw their mamma, so no one will ever take your place. Your child will always know who you are and feel your love.
5. Socially she will be at an advantage.

If I could give you one bit of advice it would be to NOT parent out of guilt. You will only raise an overindulged child. You are providing your child with love, and the best life you know how. So raise her to be the wonderful person she can become. Parenting from guilt is not a good thing. I see it everyday, and it pains me to see these children controling their parents. Let the guilt go and do your job, as a mamma, and lawyer. Your daughter will be fine. Good luck, and congratulations to you!!!

of course your missing your little girl! your still nursing (kudos to you!) but that also means you are still a little hormonal. be assured that you are not abandoning her! dont cry! her teachers already love her and im sure she knows this. im sure that they respond to her when ever she is needing or wanting attention, and im sure they play with her at other times too! thats probably why she is sleeping when you come because she had a busy day, playing a learning and seeing new things! rest assured that as long as you show her you love her, she will feel it!

I went back to work when my first born was about six weeks old. It was very hard to do and I completely relate to how you are feeling. If you have left her in competent hands ( I am sure you have) then she is more than fine. My first born is now eleven and gets "Highest Honors" every semester, plays ice hockey and is a helpful and wonderful boy. I don't think that daycare harmed him at all.

Jump several years later (and because my career path is a teacher and my husband can support us well without me working) I am now a stay at home mom. Baby number three is seventeen months old. I actually feel guilty that she is not in daycare. She is so precocious and full of energy. If she was at daycare, her day would be filled with age appropriate activities that focus on her. Instead, she drops off and picks up her brothers, gets underfoot as we complete homework and prepare dinner, etc....Don't get me wrong, I think I am providing her a fine life I just know that if she was in daycare she would get more 'focused baby time'.

It is part of motherhood to feel guilty; no matter what you choose or have to do. I haven't met a parent yet who doesn't feel guilty about something.

Good luck to you. Remember...having a baby is an exhausting experience and you have taken very little time to recuperate. This does play with your emotions. Congratulations on your baby!

My son has attended day care since he was about 8 weeks old. I also was able to go nurse him at lunch time. It was hard, but I hope you're like me and love the teachers/caregivers at the day care. Each day I got a full report of what my baby had done, eaten, how his diapers were, what naps he took etc... and I felt like he was being well taken care of. However, honestly I don't think I really appreciated the oppertunity HE was getting by being at daycare until he was about 11 months old, and I stopped by to drop something off I'd forgotten. Well when I walked in I see my little baby holding hands with the other kids his age, and walking in a line to go to music time! Then I'd come to get him and see all the little 1 year olds sitting on their pillows quietly and while their teacher was reading a book.(How they got all of them to behave so well at once is beyond me). My son has great physical and communication skills, he follows directions, and understands sharing and helping. Now as a 2 year old he gets even more oppertunities at school to learn and expirience things, he does art projects, and plays out side, LOVES music time, and reading. He tells me every day about his friends and teachers. They are also helping with potty training. Although I cherish my nights and weekends with him, I am so grateful that he is able to go to daycare and expirience those things too. To learn social skills, and get ready for school. I often think if I was ever a stay at home mom I'd want my kids to go to day care at least a few times a week because I think it's so beneficial to them. Sure he may have had a few more colds than he might have at home (even with the strict policies they have about no sick kids) but his immune system will be stronger for it, and I totally think its worth it.

This is something all working mothers go through. Even those that love their careers.
If it doesn't happen at first, it happens at 2 and then when they start school and so on.
Allow yourself to have your feelings but also know that your daughter doesn't know any different. That's not a bad thing. She has her precious time with you. She knows you are her mother. She will know as she grows that the work you do is important and that it affords her a better life.
I know of kids raised by professors, doctors, nurses....they are very well adjusted and have life goals of their own.

It is so very hard to leave our babies when they are little and I wish it was economically feasible to take more time. Even stay at home moms feel guilt over things so like I said, it's just part of the territory.
You know how very much you adore your baby and so does she.

Don't be too hard on yourself.
You're awesome!

Best wishes.

Kathryn,

Big Hugs!!! you are doing what you have to and from experience- you are not hurting her! My daughter just turned 2.5 and has been in daycare full time for two years- The first few months are the hardest- but as they get older and you see what they are getting from their experiences- it gets easier. Now my very verbal 2.5 year old proudly tells her teachers about how mommy and daddy work and all about our offices- at the end of the day she runs to us- she knows we love her and are her parents but she also knows that she is loved and cared for by her teachers. as i sat and played with her tonight- she knows all her colors, shapes and is starting letter and number recognition. ( and yes SAHM can and do provide this for their kids too- not saying they don't)

The time we spend with our daughter is more golden to us then anything- because it is limited- enjoy that time and don't let the guilt over ride it!

Is constantly beating yourself up with guilt supporting you in being a better mom? Is banging your head up against the wall of "I should be there more." supporting you in being less stressed? Is it absolutely true that you "should be there more"? Does the "Supermom" exist? Isn't it true that we often have to make tough decisions and they often create a less than "perfect" situation?

Instead of continuously berating yourself and worrying about the "what ifs", what would it look like if you just sat down and looked at "what is"? If you allowed yourself the tenderness and care to release "what it should look like", you would then be left with what is. "What is" allows you to then make choices that will benefit you most. In some ways, you are already doing this with your choices about when and how you are spending time with your daughter.

Can you take the next step and really understand that guilt is not serving you. All the guilt is doing is creating more stress which will create distance and even illness. Your "guilt" is about not wanting it to look like it does-that there is something "wrong" with your choice. Maybe, maybe not. Who is defining that it is wrong? What difference does it make?

Clinging to the belief that your choice is wrong is clearly painful for you. What if your choice was just your choice and at any moment in time you had more choices? Instead of the idea that your choices should be judged and therefore lead to reward or punishment; what if your choices were simply creating experiences that lead to more choices?

Be gentle and loving with yourself. Beating yourself up only leaves you bruiesed. Appreciate your challenges. Acknowledge your ability to make choices that are best within the situations you have. Give yourself space to learn and grow from this. Know that at any time you can make new decisions. Be willing to let go of the absurd idea of perfection. Allow for fluidilty in your choices and know that no one choice is forever.

I too am an attorney and have three awesome children and all three have gone to daycare. Your daughter will be alright! You will be alright! It is difficult and wonderful to be successful both with your work at home and your work away from home. My children have benefitted from the loving care and support they receive from their daycare family. My children are outgoing, make friends easily and have never complained about having to go to daycare. In fact, it is hard to get them to leave most days. They love being there. I know that I am blessed with the good fortune of finding a great facility, but so are my children. Your baby will also grow and thrive and be happy. Keep up the good work mama!

I have the same guilt. BUT I was most fortunate enough to spend 9 months as a SAHM. My son loves the time we have. He would hug me all day if we could.
I too, can't quit my job or school. You are doing what you HAVE to do in order to have any sort of life. You are giving him what he needs by working. Sure it's not 24/7 time with you, but the time you do have, you make it worth while. His needs need to be filled, which you are doing by working. You are breastfeeding which is WONDERFUL! I as a SAHM couldn't do, so you are already doing things that I couldn't. That makes you a superhero!
I too had to go through what you are doing and posted a very similar post. I got lots of love and support here.
Keep loving her all the time and giver her extra special hugs and loves when you see her. That is all that you can do so you might as well make it worth while. If you need to talk to another 10 hour working mom, just personal message me! I'll always write back!

Just to put it in perspective for you your daughter is 9 weeks old she doesn't really understand the concept of time. as long as her needs are met (feeding / diapers / cuddling) she won't really "miss" you. Just cuddle her before work and after and she will be fine. Especially since you are going over to nurse her in the day. If you suddenly started taking her to daycare at 2 years you might have a problem but since she is starting so young this will be her normal. Your a good mom for doing what you can to give your daughter a good life. Good for you. It's easy for people to judge who don't have to work to put food on the table and the roof over the head. i applaud moms who do what they need to to take care of their families.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know the pain you are feeling. I recently went back to work, granted my child is 2.5, but the guilt is just as strong no matter what age they are. I was lucky enough to find an excellent sitter, so I was able to avoid daycare. There is comfort in the fact that if I can't be home with her all day, at least my child is in the comfort of her own home. She can nap in her own bed and play with her own familiar toys. Maybe you could try to find a nanny or sitter to come to your house? My sitter costs me less than the daycare wanted.

Either way, try not to beat yourself up. You are a good mother! Your child will know you love her. She is so little still, I think she will transition easier because she is so young. Babies and toddlers are more resilient that we realize. You are working hard to provide for your child. That makes you a good mom. Don't let anyone make you feel bad, not even yourself.

This too shall pass. Hang in there mama! I think no matter what we do, we always will question if its the right thing and feel a little "mothers guilt". I hope you feel better soon :)

I know your pain. But it was a lot easier for me when my son...who is now 11 started full time daycare at 6 weeks because I worked at the daycare he was at....but I.....just like you had to work. And he went up until he was in Kindergarten and went to the before and after school care, he is now in all AG classes and he knows I don't love him any less b/c I sent him to daycare. We didn't make enough money at the time for me to be a stay at home mom. But please I know it's hard but don't feel guilty. You are trying to do what is best for your child right now...like you said you don't have the option to not work. There is nothing wrong with daycare. My son learned a lot...he was doing a b c's, 1 2 3's, shapes, colors, and his name before he was 4. His teachers were a wonderful part of our family. We loved them as they did us! I don't think any kid should be at home every day all day with mommy/daddy whether they work or not. Kids need to be socialized with other children and that's just my personal opinion. Your daughter is still little and doesn't know what's going on but I can almost guarantee you as she gets older she will LOVE going and being around all her little friends...and later it might hurt you like it did me when she doesn't want to come home! I understand your hurt but it will get better! Good luck! : )

I would love to say it gets easier, but I still have "those days" and my son is 3 years old. Your "guilt" (as I also called it) shows that you love your daughter and care deeply for her! Your solution (of putting her in daycare) is obviously the best option for you and your family - same for mine. Your heart is torn in two - been there, done that, continue to do so! Cherish the moments you have together - and know that you are providing her the best option possible for you and your family.

I feel you pain!!! I had 3 months, for which I am very thankful, with my second before having to go to work for 10-ish hour days in order to get my license (psychologist). I cried for the first few weeks, then again when I had to start adding formula becuase I wasn't making enough milk, and sometimes just because! Its hard, but your little lady will love you becuase you are mom...

yes, we all go through this. and all babies go through a transition with a new routine. this is all it is. she will be fine in a week or two. and in all actuality, she will adjust better than an older child. don't worry mom. you'll still be the center of her universe. soon she will start lighting up when she sees you after a long hard day at work, and you will know it :) hang in there!

ps, and when she's two and starts having separation anxiety, bawling her head off when you leave her, that's when it gets SUPER hard. but again...she'll be fine and you'll be her universe. at least for awhile yet :)

Listen...I am a single mom and my daughter has been going to full time daycare since she was 10 weeks old. In addition, I have to travel for work so she gets to spend 30+ nights a year in the care of one of two nannies.

I don't feel guilty. Never have. I DO feel sad about leaving my little munchkin. I miss her. She is funny and sweet and cuddly. Don't waste your time and energy on guilt...just focus on optimizing the situation for your family.

As another poster said, a baby that age has no concept of time so long as basic needs are met.

Would I rather stay home with my girl? Absolutely! How do I know it isn't the worst thing in the world for her? She always cries for ME when hurt or sad or sick. When I pick her up at the end of the day she practically tackles me with a hug. She tells me that I am the best Mom in the world and that I get all her kisses.

Take the time to make quality time. That is what matters.

i think that's something EVERY parent goes through (especially us moms) i called my daughter's daycare 8x in an 8 hour day, the first week and she didn't start day care til after 1...i HATED it but here's a thought my manager at the time gave me to help ME transition which is probably the case here,

"if you were no at work you wouldn't be able to provide and later she just MAY wonder if you wernt' providing for her by being at work", your dd is too young to "wonder why you're not there" yes she recognizes your scents, sounds and heart beat before anyone else's and probably gets excited in her own way when she see's you, like "i know that face, o that scent...that's my comfort place", but i doubt she's tired from the transition...she's tired because she is constantly growing right now which is normal

your worried about HER transistion, but really it's not stress cause she does't know what the difference is....let's work on MOM'S transition too...it's hard

She'll be fine mom, take a breather and definatley enjoy her while she's young it will go fast

I know it's really hard. Both my daughters are in daycare and, like you, I'm the child of a stay-at-home mom. Someone said this to me last year and it's helped a lot: "Guilt takes away your power." Guilt makes it difficult to see the positives and what power you have in the situation. Feeling guilty over this when there is no other possibility will just eat you up. My husband went to daycare growing up and he reminds me that he liked going to daycare: there are new toys, kids to play with, etc. As long as your daughter is going somewhere where you feel comfortable, be positive, and enjoy the weekends. :) Good luck. It get easier.

This has got to be hard. People have given you good advice, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sure what you are feeling is normal because you love her so much. I can just imagine. Best to you!