Hello. My son just turned 3. I took him to the daycare/nursery about 3 months ago. His teacher said that he constantly hits or pushes his classmates ,not because he wants to hurt them but more like playing. He likes to hug because thats what we teach him at home but in school hugging is not allowed. He like sports and we take him to basketball, baseball games and even watches boxing with his daddy. He was with a nanny until 3 months ago. The teacher and director keep on bugging me to have my son evaluated at the Child Study Team Center. I took him there and he was observed and they found nothing unusual but they suggested to observe him at school since the teacher said he behaves well only when he is being given1 on 1 attention. It's freaking me out because the school always asked me about having him observed and evaluated again. I interviewed parents, his playmates parents and did a lot of researching and my son is completely normal as far as I observed and know him. It's his school that's worrying me. I wanted to transfer him but I cannot find a daycare that is convenient for us. Please help! I need advise and suggestions.
Hello and thank you all very much for your advice/comments. I am worried that when he gets observed again at school they might suggest to have him register in the SPECIAL CHILD STUDY TEAM and I cannot disagree with them. I do not want my son to be labeled or have this kind of history in his life. They already observed him at their office and saw nothing wrong but wanted to observe at school. Does anyone have any experience with this? I am thinking he might be given medicine or anything like that.
I also realized that we should limit his exposure to sports at this age. You are right to say that he cannot distinguish yet between sports, fun or hurting. One time he tackled me and said "mommy like football", and while he was playing basketball he acted he fell down and I said why did you do that and he said mommy I got fouled. I explained to the teachers even the directors about his activity and that since he is there for only 3 months to give him more time to adjust but it seems like they are telling me that 3 months should be enough for him to be adjusted. He is at daycare 5 days a week from 9am to 6 and he was the newest in his class.
These are things that his teacher told me:
1. He doesn’t sit down for long at circle time or story time.
2. He likes to be taught on 1 on 1 basis
3. When it’s clean up time, he helps with no problem but likes shooting the toys in the basket rather than “putting” them
4. He like to punch or push not to hurt but to play
Still deciding whether to have him observed again or not…
Thanks again.
I completly agree with Shane and Dawn. I was in the same situation with
my sons headstart. Started at 2.10 after having he was taken care of his grandmother's then I had a baby 6 weeks later. I felt it was easier for them to lable him so they wouldn't have to deal Instead of them TEACHING him like a school is suppose to. We are looking for other childcare options, now.
Good job in doing what you can. It seems to be that he, very normally, wants more one on one time. Finding a more nurturing place - where hugging is allowed - makes more sense. I would look at church nurseries - they are going to tend to be more nurturing and loving and understanding. I understand about convenience, but it seems you have put in a lot of time on research and this is the evidence that is coming out. What about using some of that research time to spend with him going to playgrounds and letting him play in group settings where you are present and can train him in group play dynamics. In my experience,nannies don't tend to make playdates with other families like moms, so that weekly, over the years, playing in a group setting with lots of supervision and certain amount of independence, is an important place where little ones slowly learn over a few years, how to play in groups.
Ughh - i'm sorry but I can't stand how quick everyone is the suggest that children have behaviorial or developmental problems these days. I understand they are "professionals" and you shouldn't be blind to any potential problems, but I have a 3 yr old son and he and is 3 yr old friend at school play VERY ROUGH at times. Pushing, hitting, wrestling. Myself and the other mother correct them and remind them to play a little nicer and at school they are to busy I think to keep it going and often times it ends in a "fight" and one of them is in time out and has to apologize and then the next time its the other. He's 3. He's in a new environment with other children that has only been a short time and is NEW to him, yes I already said new...don't ignore it obviously but talk with the school and work with them and your son. Are most of the kids in his class NEW to the class too or have they been attending since infants? I think that could have something to do with it...those who have been attending are well aware of the rules of a classroom by this age, maybe your son is not yet and maybe he is so used to the 1 on 1 that he's having problems with not getting it and b/c he is STILL ONLY 3 he doesn't know how to handle or express himself yet. I know aside from my son has his one friend at school THEY ALL get crazy and push, hit and what not at different times. Especially when they get tired. Theres a lot of factors into your sons situation and again I say don't be blind to any potential issues but don't just accept either that he has behaviorial problems - next thing you know they'll be trying to drug him with ridalin or something! Sorry, it just makes me angry - he's THREE not 6 or 8 acting like this, theres a difference IMO. I didn't read all your posts, but I can see that several will not/do not agree with me LOL - but I've never really fit the norm and I disagree with a lot of how our society looks at our children. Also keep in mind his day...is he in daycare for a full day? How many days a week. Daycare scheduling is intense. They are physically and mentally going from one thing to the next and he should be getting free play time, outside time and nap time but still its a long day. He may be adjusting to that too. You mentioned he's doing these things when playing, not so much to be mean or hurtful -well then to me - all the more reason why he's normal and just hasn't learned the classroom boundries yet. I would consider the school environment too - my school is VERY RELAXED in the sense that they understand and let kids be kids, but they are also very structured and have a busy day to keep them moving so that there isn't much idle time that invites chaos, yet they are also flexible to allow children to step away from the routine too if need be - especially at the infant/toddler stage when the kids are developing at different stages and have different abilities to focus, etc. My son has been removed from the classroom for "hitting his friends" one - he was just 2 yrs old at the time but it wasn't a big deal to the staff. They removed him from the situation, gave him some time to chill out in another room with other staff and they moved on. That was a "major" incident in my opinion and it hasn't happenend again with him ,but other kids have bad days too. I keep thinking how you said he isn't being agressive in a mean way just a playful way...and I just can't believe its a big issue. sorry I'm rambling.
Your little boy is probably perfectly normal except for the fact that he doesn't understand what socially acceptable behavior is yet. That's part of what they learn at school.
No hitting, no pushing, no hugging...keep your hands to yourself.
No offense intended, but watching boxing probably isn't the best. Two guys stand in a ring and beat the heck out of each other and little kids don't understand there is pain involved. Even basketball, guys push and shove and fight for a ball and get knocked down sometimes. Football, same thing...it's all about tackling someone.
There is nothing wrong with sports and I have a son, but it's kind of like letting them watch some cartoons too young. I grew up watching Tom and Jerry and Roadrunner, but let's face it, someone always gets caught in a trap or an anvil falls on their heads or they're trying to blow each other up.
I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, please don't take it that way, but very little kids don't understand the difference between what they watch and how it applies to them in every day life.
Lots of kids do better with one on one attention but that doesn't necessarily mean anything at such a young age.
He doesn't sound antisocial. He doesn't sound agressive beyond perhaps acting out things that he's seen.
I would just come right out and ask the school what their point is in having him evaluated or what they feel their position is. No sense in beating around the bush about it. How many times do they want him evaluated? What is the outcome they are expecting from it?
If they feel your son have behavioral issues, they should just come out and say so.
He's been there 3 months. He's 3 years old.
I've taken care of lots of kids who were overly active or pushy and shovey, but I just dealt with it and let them know that was not allowed.
I was as firm with them as my own kids and their parents knew it and had no problem with it. That's how kids learn to get along and play nice.
If your son's school is basically telling you there is a problem without really saying it, they need to spit it out.
If this is your son's first attempt at social interaction, it seems that they would keep that in mind.
Or at least be bluntly honest.
I would request a meeting with them to go over all f this and look into other options for your son.
In the meantime, you also need to work with him at home about not hitting or pushing because it's NOT the same as playing.
Fun for him, but not fun for the kids that are getting hit or pushed.
That's NOT how we play.
He's young and he likely has no idea he's doing anything wrong so you have to help him with that. Some kid will hit him or push him back and he'll never see it coming if he thinks it's just playing.
I would be carefuly about letting him watch anything, yes, even sports, until he's old enough to understand that whole thing better.
This is the age where they truly begin to form their ideas about interaction and I would think the school would be more helpful to you about it as opposed to recommending evaluations. But, it depends on their tolerance levels too.
I wish you the best.
My suggestion is to follow through with the suggested observation at school. The opposite happened when my daghter was young - no one suggested an evaluation until 3rd grade. At that time, the school suggested that her problems were my fault; eventually in 6th grade she was diagnosed with learning disabilities, central auditory processing disorder, sensory integration disorder, visual issues. Luckily, after working with an OT, a behavioral optometrist, and cognitive training, she was able to overcome all these and is now a successful 21 year old college student.
Had she been evaluated in preschool and had early intervention, she might not have had the loss of self esteem, and feelings of failure for years.
You are right, your son might be absolutely fine, but isn't worth it to be sure?
K. Johnson, MS Ed
www.pyramidofpotential.com
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If you haven't contacted the Bergen County Office For Children, try that. It is the Child Care Resource and Referral Agency in your area--###-###-####. I'm not sure what child care regulations are in your area, but they could give you some guidance and probably referrals to child care in your area. You could also, as suggested, go ahead with the classroom observation, if only to help the school understand that your son is fine. Some children, boys especially, require more one-on-one time during the day--each child should be attended to and know they will be attended to so they do not feel they need to fight for attention. It is also sad that this program does not realize that children that age require affection and nurturing. He might be a "preschooler," but putting the word "school" in his age bracket does not mean he is not a very young child, barely past being an infant or toddler, and still needs loving and affectionate attention. I am hoping that his current program also offers a lot of active free play in areas with plenty of space for them--if he is being expected to sit quietly for most of the day, that is asking for trouble.
Definitely go and observe the behavior. It's difficult to know what's going on from reports of others. There's no reason to not allow you to do this and trying to dissuade you would be just another BIG reason to pull him. It shouldn't be an issue.
If you don't feel like your son is in need of help, switch daycares ASAP. Even if another one is not as convenient, you need to find one where they respect your decisions as the parent. Look for a smaller daycare, like others have said. And try to find one that more closely approaches your own home environment with rules, level of strictness, etc. Sometimes more structure works great for kids, others need a more relaxed, freewheeling approach. Don't be afraid to find what works for your child. It doesn't sound like the current daycare works for you OR him.
Can you go to observe, or ask them if they can videotape so you can see?
Ideally, if you could find another location for him, that might be best, but if you can't then you need to see what he is actually doing.
Maybe watching boxing is not a good idea?
Usually if a child has trouble in only ONE environment, it has something to do with the environment that is triggering it.
Since they have asked you repeatedly, there must be something that is going on...but you need to know what it is causing it in order to do anything about it.
Not all schools are the same. If he is not fitting in well there you need to change his school. A bad pre school can lead to bad other issues. My daughter had a very bad 2nd grade teacher who poisoned the minds of the kids and other teachers.. Even to this day the kids can sit and tease her all day long but when she has had a enough and retaliates then she is the one who gets in trouble. I know its fact because I've witnessed it. If he gets in trouble every day because of a bad teacher it will follow him so get him out while you can
Your son is old enough to understand that there is a time and a place to do things.For instance he has to be quiet in church and cant jump on grandma's couch. You have to tell him every morning not to hit, hug or push anyone at school even if he is playing. Then tell him if he does hit, hug or push he will have a consequence when he gets home. Make sure you remind him, since habits learned at home are hard to break. IMHO small children NEED to be touched and to touch others. This no hugging rule at school is probably frustrating him, but regardless he needs to know from you that he cant do it.
