Daughters Wants to Transfer to Boyfriend's College

Bad idea.
On SO many levels--as you're well aware--or you wouldn't be asking.
No 19 year old young woman should feel "empty" or have "emotional breakdowns" because she's away from her boyfriend.
There's the issue.
If their relationship can't weather separate colleges? It's not going to last, nor should it!

I guess the red flag for me (aside from the question of making such a major decision, after so little time to adjust) is that she's supposed to transfer to his school (and forfeit the prestigious diploma). Why can't HE transfer to HER school? I'd advise them to wait it out, at least for a semester, before making a decision. If their relationship is truly meant to be, they'll weather the separation.

Not a good enough reason to transfer. Plenty of kids maintain a long distance relationship and plenty break up. Her education is more important and she needs to concentrate on that. It sounds like she is at the better school and she should work hard to stay there. She also hasn't been there long enough to know if she will be happy. LOTS of freshman are still adapting this early in the year, with or without significant relationships.

However, she needs to be able to see this and she shouldn't see you as obstructing her happy ever after.

I think you should talk to your daughter and see if you can get her to stay where she is. Not because of the prestige of the school, but because I think it is EXTREMELY important for young women to make their own way in the world at least for a short time so that they have the confidence to do that, if it comes to it in the future. Your daughter will become much more independent and self-confident if she sticks it out and works through her "misery." School is just getting started - they haven't given themselves a chance to really hit their stride yet.

I met my husband in high school. We went to different colleges in different states (he was in NY, I was in FL). It was hard, but neither of us considered transferring. I feel it gave us an opportunity to become our own person and make our own friends without having to always be together. We would only see each other a few times a year (mainly holidays). We really built a solid foundation through talking, email, etc.

We've been together 21 years--married almost 14. We really appreciated our time apart because we both loved our college experience. Plus, the limited physical contact set us up for success in the future--he graduated from West Point and has deployed a few times.

I have no doubt your daughter loves this guy--and he loves her. But, I think they should stay put. Honestly, she sounds like she needs to learn how to be a little more independent.

I teach at an undergraduate college, so I have definitely seen a whole range of student relationships ranging from successful long-distance (namely, survived four years at different schools and resulted in so-far-happy marriages) to it-ended-quick-and-for-the-best. Based on my observations, here are my thoughts about the situation...

If your daughter just started college this fall, she hasn't had NEARLY enough time to adjust to the new living situation, people, expectations, lifestyle, etc. She doesn't miss just him, she misses your home, HS, her friends, your town... She has to give it at least a semester, probably a full year, before she decides whether she wants to transfer. It takes at least a couple months to get used to being with a bunch of strangers and away from home.

The other part is that each partner definitely needs to make sure that her/his college education will prepare her/him for whatever s/he wants to do in life. If she is going to get the best preparation from her current school, she needs to stay there. If her boyfriend would get AS GOOD a preparation for his future from her school as he would from his current school, he needs to transfer to her school. If there really is no difference for her, then maybe her transferring would make sense after a year or two. Wanting to be closer together can't be the primary determinant, however.

Good luck with it!

It's so easy to say to a young adult that their feelings for their boyfriend/girlfriend aren't "real" or as important because they have so much yet to experience. But it's not so easy for them to accept those words. Thinking back, I know I was mentally flipping everyone the bird when they told me my relationship wouldn't last. It didn't, but hey, that's beside the point. The point is that, at that age, they have a "never say die, I'll love you forever" mentality. It's kind of admirable and sweet, really, that optimism.

So how do you push forward through this and be supportive of your daughter? Well, honestly, I don't think your daughter should be the one to transfer. I think that, if he truly wants to be with your daughter, he'll come to her. I don't think that your daughter should sacrifice her education at a prestigious college that she worked hard to get into. Not because the relationship might not work out, but because if this guy is the RIGHT guy, he'll treat her like she ought to be treated, go out of his way for her, and not behave as if she's a second class citizen who should do the moving because she's a woman.

I do think that it's concerning that she is talking about "emotional breakdowns" and find that terminology to be rather melodramatic. She's missing home and missing him, sure, but let's dial it down a notch and work on a visitation plan instead of focusing on how "empty" she feels. They have a lot to focus on at school, and will have a lovely time reconnecting whenever they have a break and can go visit.

Being apart and learning to be independent and find a sense of self is a very important part of becoming an adult. If she cannot be on her own, confident, happy and sure, she's not bringing a whole-self into the relationship. Same goes for her boyfriend.

My husband (then boyfriend) and I went to different colleges.
We were about 1 1/2 hrs away from each other.
It was a healthy arrangement.
I'd visit him when ever I could (sometimes every 2 weeks, or if I was busy maybe once a month) (he didn't have a car).
We each had our own friends and managed our own classes.
This was before email and the internet.
I wrote to him A LOT - he loved every letter I sent to him (and cookies, too).
He was more of a phone call guy but I still have all 6 letters he ever sent to me.
When we got our degrees, we got jobs in our fields, got engaged and lived together for 1 year and then we married.
We just celebrated our 25th anniversary.

If it's meant to be - they'll survive this separation.
They have e-mail, and a whole slew of communication options that we certainly never had.
She needs to work on her degree and her career - she doesn't need the distraction of having her boyfriend right there all the time.
Same goes for him.
If they do break up - they'll each have their own space and places to look for new relationships.
I would not support her transferring to another school for the sake of her boyfriend.

Have you tried encouraging her to get involved at school? Join a club, go to the residence hall meetings, get involved with a church group. There are so many ways to get involved in college. If she gets involved and gets to know people, she could have a really amazing experience.

I loved college! I met amazing people and some great, lifelong friends. It can take time, though. She's only been there a few weeks, right? Encourage her to give it some time.

I am sure she is madly in love with him. But since they have started college at the 2 different schools, I would suggest she at least finish this semester or even the whole year before transferring. If they are that much in love, they can certainly survive a semester or the 2 semesters.

And I do not care how much she loves him, he saying that "our daughter has been miserable. She's been calling home every night and having what she describes as "emotional breakdowns" almost every day." this is a red flag.

She should be emotionally mature enough in this relationship to act as an adult. To be able to concentrate on her education she has worked so hard to achieve. She should be able to live without him right next to her. If their relationship is that strong, they will be just fine.

If she cannot get it together emotionally, she should meet with a counselor at her college. Not an Academic Adviser" I mean a mental health official.

I saw girls in college like this and they really had issues while in college. Their boyfriends and missing them is all they talked about. It was hard to get them to go out. To leave the phones (back then no cell phones) it was ridiculous. It just seemed like they were missing out on the whole experience.

We married young, ended up with a big rift with his family because we did not follow the typical path. But we took responsibility for our choices.Emotional and financial responsibility for our choices.

I became friends with a girl in college who transferred to be with her HS boyfriend. They'd dated 2-3 years of HS. It was a success. They were both very much their own people. He played football and was in a fraternity and made close friends. She managed to join our sorority as a sophomore and eventually became president or vice president. She made good friends too. So she didn't come to school and then they huddled together... Our school was also better than where she started so it was good for her future professional ambitions. I think cost was probably similar and her parents were every well off anyway. They got married after graduation and I believe are still married. So I don't think it's an absolute no but not yet and I would really push for him to transfer to her school if it's more prestigious. Not sure what I'd do if it was a bit of a step down for my child... But I'd make them stick it out a year. Plenty of relationships lasted 4 years apart and plenty broke up that first year. And I loved college so much but I was still kind of homesick at times the first months or so. It's an enormous adjustment. Any unsettled feelings that are natural she can chalk up to missing her boyfriend. You can't be sure when it's her boyfriend vs natural growing pains and adjustment issues. Geez - these friends are new friends. Of course she'd rather be with her boyfriend... Also, if she transfers and they break up, I'd really worry how badly it will hit her. She will never have had a chance to stand alone on her 2 feet and that is so incredibly important. She needs to know that she will survive and that knowledge can only be gained with experience. So many reasons they should wait till next year and maybe one transfer as a sophomore. I found so many guys at college I found so attractive I couldn't decide! That was so much fun! So in 3-6 months, she may have found someone else she's interested in and this becomes a moot issue. But even if she doesn't, this would be a year well spent. If you tell her they still feel like this at the end of the year and encourage her to explore, have fun, test things this year, she may be able to knowing it's just a year. And then hopefully she ends up enjoying herself. How far apart are they?

Well I get that this is hard, I really do (I remember that age all too well) but I would at least make her finish out the year and see where she's at and how she's feeling then. It's only been about a month, right? That's just not long enough to adjust.
Real, genuine, life long love will survive two semesters apart. And if it doesn't, well then you know the old saying, it wasn't meant to be.
Growing up can be very painful, no getting around it :-(

In my opinion, it really depends on what your daughter wants to do as a career and major. Does the other school work well with her career and educational goals? Would it be better for him to transfer to her school? I would make her stick it out for this year before making a decision though... They really just got to their respective schools...

It may or may not be a wise decision on her part, but the decision is hers to make.

Now that said, my opinion is that she should not transfer, because she is clearly emotionally immature and way, WAY to dependent on her boyfriend. A healthy relationship doesn't function like this. She probably shouldn't even have a boyfriend at this point in time, although I wouldn't say so to her.

I've had friends that were too clingy and their happiness was too intertwined with their boyfriends. Mostly, they ended up broken up. Even if he loves her, that gets old after awhile. The kind go guy that doesn't eventually break up with a clinger is often an abuser, so either way is not a happy outcome.

I think your SWH sounds like you're helping her a lot to make good choices. I would have suggested a therapist, but if the school counselor is helping then that is great.

I would make her plead her case for why transferring to that school (without him being the catalyst) would be good FOR HER and her career aspirations and the major she has. She needs to put down on paper the puts and takes of credits, transfer fees, how things will get paid, cost of tuition, etc. Then if she really wants to go there, prestigious label aside, I would allow her to go. All things being equal and she will probably do well, etc. But if I were paying, I would insist that this be the last transfer. She goes or she doesn't but she has to want to go there FOR HERSELF. If she were going on her own dime, I'd be less invested.

Also, I would encourage her to do things like get involved in her school, get a PT job, volunteer, or talk to the counselor. It is one thing to be homesick or unhappy but if she's having breakdowns daily, that may be something she needs additional help for. Depression is something to consider. Sophomore year was a tough year for myself and my SD and we really had to work to get through it and keep it into perspective. I saw my college counselor, because that was the year I had a death in the family and I was struggling. I ended up taking fewer credits to get through the first semester. I would encourage her to take action vs pining and evaluate at the end of the semester. If this is their first year of college, it would be especially important for her to take some time to figure out if it's just a change of place she needs to get used to (so many frosh are homesick) or real change of heart about her choice.

As a side note: my stepson broke up with his HS GF about a month into college apart BUT six months apart from his current GF doesn't seem to have negatively affected their relationship. Part of it is maturity and part of it is the relationship itself. Long distance is hard, but if it's truly worth working on, the people will make it work. My stepdaughter is currently dating a guy who is local to home but not to school, since he graduated. They don't see each other often now that he is working and she's on campus, but either it will work or it won't and I would NOT encourage her to quit or transfer to be near him when she has just a year and a half left. She made her college choice long before she broke up with her HS boyfriend, and she made that selection for herself, vs for anyone else. She has the long-term goal of owning her own business some day and now and then we've reminded her to keep her eye on that when she is frustrated.

ETA: I think you have a good plan. I also agree that if she has not seen the campus, then it would be bad to transfer. My SD visited many schools and while Hoffstra gave her a good package to go, it was not her vibe. At.all. So many things need to be considered. Also, if she has to fly to get there, what would it mean about visits home? If she is struggling emotionally as is, would the distance be a factor if you needed to visit her or bring her home for a holiday? I know people who did not go home over short breaks. They stayed with friends off campus because it cost too much to fly. I hope she rebounds.

I had the opposite issue. My oldest daughter's boyfriend got a FULL scholarship for music to an out of state school. I was not overly fond of him when they were in HS, but figured I would let it 'run' its course.

My daughter was doing well her freshman year, and making good friends, enjoying classes. Anyway, he decided to transfer to HER school.

I was petrified, and had a few honest chats with my daughter about their relationship, and attempted to keep her attention on her school and after school goals.

Anyway, I think the relationship was 'dying' a natural death, BUT his transferring there made the breakup much harder. And, break up they did.

I do not have any real advice, except to help her examine her school/long term goals, and encourage her to attend the school most likely to meet them.

Oh, and my daughter's ex boyfriend never finished college. :(.

Hope it all works out!

I wouldn't say no but I would say we can talk about it more towards the end of the year. I'd make her do one year on her own for so many reasons. Most of them are discussed below. And I do disagree strongly that one you have your first job, where you went to college doesn't matter anymore. That is so not true in my experience both in terms of next jobs and certainly for graduate school if she goes that route. Also, your first job can make a difference what path you follow the rest of your life. A great first job can really open doors.

Well, I'd tell her that she is an adult and if she wants to transfer to his school that it's okay with me. Do you really think she's going to get good grades if she's this unhappy?

Otherwise why not help boyfriend get to her college? He could apply for some scholarships, financial aid, college work study, stipends, or something to help him pay his way.

I know young love is serious and all, but it's not OK that she feels "empty" in her own skin in college in the prime of her life and is having breakdowns every day..??! For that reason I'd be tempted to discourage the move. Why can't he move? Why is it always the woman's job to....ah, nevermind. Sigh. Anyway. Um. Prestige of a school doesn't matter much if she gets good grades and works hard at her major. If the school has a good department for her career interest then....sure, it could be fine. Although she'll have a lot less friends going forward in life if she spends every college moment with him.
And for goodness sake if they break up they break up. But if losing the prestigious school is the worry in the case of a break up....and it would impede her career...well really forget the breakup. Will switching schools impede her career?

That's what matters imo. If they're meant to be together forever then they will survive through college. And if they don't survive through college, then it will be OK. They'll meet other people. How important is her current college to her future success? She can make this work with either scenario really. She's 19. Let her decide.

I'd opt for cheaper school personally. Although that super codependency of theirs worries me...

I was in my second year of college when my boyfriend got orders to Okinawa Japan. We decided that we did not want to be apart, so we got married and I transferred to University of Marylands Asian devision so I could continue my studies in Japan. Now, 15 years later, we are still going strong.

They are not even talking about marriage, just changing schools. If they break up so what? They might run into each other on campus but that is not the end of the world. And you are right, she is an adult, and this choice has to be hers.

Also, once you get your first job no one cares how "prestigious" your college was.

And I will be completely honest, the people that did not support us, who tried to stop us and told us we were crazy, too young, ect, it took us years to forgive them for not standing by us and respecting our choice.

Give it a little while longer before she decides

I can imaging how upsetting this is for her, but ask her to keep in mind that people get married and have to be apart for various reasons and various periods of times.

There are many people in the military who have to be apart for years. When I married my husband, he had to work in other states. That is where is boss needed him. We had a child in school at the time and couldn't uproot her to follow him. He traveled like that for about the first 4 years of our marriage.

Yes she is an adult. But it sounds like you are paying for her college education! Sounds like she has had motion all issues before the BF came into the picture. Me, I would say. No changing schools. Because it probably won't work out.

I think she needs to do all the leg work and plead her case to you. She should be able to show:
-the cost saving (does not need to be perfect),
-proof of acceptance,
-how this new school will help he get an education/degree in a field she plans to work and
-how she will handle the location (not sure if the weather is different or if the demographic will be new to her).

So far she just sounds lost. Totally understandable. I am thinking back to my lonely freshman year.

edit: I re-read and didn't mean for it to sound as negative. I am not against this and actually moved to a university close to my fiancee in a different state. I did all the leg work and did not burden my parents (at least in my eyes, i'm sure they did help, but not paperwork and such). My boyfriend at the time moved me with the u-haul not daddy. We also spend over a year apart.

Have her finish the semester and transfer in January.