Daughter Wants to Be Held Non Stop

I have a 17-month-old who wants a lot of things, including to be held & played with by Mommy all the time. (Also she wants to fasten her own car seat buckle, which she can't really do yet. And she wants to stand up and jump up and down in her high chair, which is just not safe.)

What I've found is that the fit doesn't really last that long most of the time. It's wearing to have it going on so often, but probably she's learning to cope without being held if I just don't hold her every time she asks. She screams and cries and I wait a few minutes and then offer alternative activities.

Sorry to say but "just put her down and let her cry". time outs are good even at such a young age. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old that will have a time where they both cry " I want you" and throw fits. I want to stop everything and "just hold them", but, I have a house to clean, food to cook and a baby on the way that will need me too. I let them cry and usually they give up I realize they need a nap or maybe just a hug. Good luck.

You need to practice with her at home, NOT holding her, getting her to see that she can still function if you're not holding her. All kids are different so if you want to send a phone message to your pediatrician's office to see if they have a recommendation, do that! :) Otherwise, while talking comfortingly and interacting with her calmly, just don't pick her up. Good luck!

She is about the age of temper tantrums and the only way to get rid of those are to walk away and ignore her when she does. I know its a hard thing to do but she needs to learn that when things don't go her way that she needs to move on to something else. We do alot of time outs in our house and it seems to work and when the tantrums start she can't leave time out until she settles down to talk about the issue. If you never do time outs then you only start out with a minute or 2. I hope this helps and gl.

My first son was like this so I can relate. My best advice is to get a baby carrier. There are lots on the market these days for carrying heavier babies - like a pouch style sling or a back carrier such as an ergo or a beco. This saved my sanity (and back and arms). This age is prime for separation anxiety and I personally believe that this is a psychological need which is just as important as a physical need. I'm pretty shocked that there are so many responses to just ignore her and let her cry. I firmly believe that she is not trying to "manipulate" you and as far as "she needs to learn to be by herself" what she will learn is that the person she loves most in the world will walk away from her when she needs her the most. A need that is met goes away, a need that is not met will manifest in some other behavior. Some kids just need more mama contact than others. As soon as my son turned 4 months old he would not let anyone except myself or my husband hold him, and even then mostly it was me. Maybe I could be more understanding than most because I was extremely shy as a child and understood what he was going through. Now at almost 4 he doesn't need to be carried all the time, and he is really coming out of his shell in a way that took me another 10 years as a child. I'm positive this is because he feels more secure in his relationships at home than I did. If you daughter is shy and it is hard for you to relate, you might check out some books on shy kids. Hope this helps!

This is very normal for kids her age, try to pick a few time during the day where you can not pick her up, and don't, talk to her, explain that you will play with her in a minute, wait a few minutes, then pick her up for a minute, then put her down, tell her again you'll pick her up in a minute wait a few more minutes then pick her up, you see the pattern each time stretching it out a little longer before you pick her up. You'll be doing 2 things, one teaching her to understand what hold on means, and showing her that you her and understand that she needs your attention, with ignoring a very normal need for a little one. I think it's a lot gentler then a time out which most kids this age just don't get, and when you are in between holds let her have her tantrum it won't really hurt her.

It's just that age! I was in the same situation where my husband worked and went to school so it was just me and my little girl. She will grow out of it. Try hugging her after you put her in the cart for a minute and then see if she will stay in it alone or you push the cart and hold on to her while you push. Like I said it's the age at home give her the attention and then explain to her you are going to go do whatever and if she throws a fit let her!

Well, I don't know if I have so much advice as I do empathy. My daughter is the SAME WAY! She always wants to be held and not only that, she wants you to walk around with her, not just sit! Yes, I agree. My daughter is 16 months also and is 23 lbs. That is just too darn heavy to carry around all the time. She's gotten a lot better, I had to give her some tough love. Carrying her all the time delayed her crawling (she just started about a month ago) and I'm sure it will delay her walking if I let it (she's getting close, but she's already a little behind). Anyway, I just let her cry and tough it out sometimes. I think it's important that she learn to be independent and play on her own. So I am nearby and I talk to her, but I make her find something to do on her own for a little while each day. Don't get me wrong, its hard to watch her cry, but I did the same thing with sleep, and it worked great. Anyway, if you give them "alone" time consistently, maybe just for a few minutes at first and work up to 10 or 15 (of course I'm watching, just not holding or sitting by her), that's what worked for me. Now she can read her books and entertain herself while I do dishes or fold laundry.

Good luck. Hope this is helpful and know my back is aching just like yours :-).

J.

My daughter was like this a little at this age, and although (like others have said) there are times when you have to just not hold them, I think it is important to remember that she is expressing some kind of need. If she is doing this, she is probably feeling insecure for some reason--maybe just a developmental milestone, or b/c she is learning new stuff, but as a parent, you need to help her feel secure. I found it helped my daughter when I took time to really focus on holding and cuddling her for 15 minutes--and did something fun like read a book or played with toys. I found myself getting so distracted by getting stuff done, I was trying to hold her while doing laundry or dishes, and not talking time to JUST hold and be with her. Does that make sense? Also,once she was really good at standing, I would have her stand next to me on a chair in the kitchen and watch and "help" me. She can push a dry towel around on the counter, just like mommy is wiping the counter. She still, at two, almost every morning stirs the eggs up before I cook a scrambled egg for us in a little metal bowl with a tiny whisk (a fork works as well). I found if she could see what I was doing, she was content to stand there and watch. As far as at the store, I used that as cuddle time. I have an ergo baby carrier, and it works up to 40 pounds. And it is the first one that I tried that was truly comfortable. It is great! I've carried my almost 40 pound nephew in it, and it is still OK with him. It distributes the weight really well. I would stick her in that and carry her that way. My hands were free, she got to be close to mommy, and it was comfortable for me. Now, she doesn't want to be held in that, and I have to bring 3 or 4 books in instead during a grocery trip. I miss being able to carry her like that!

Anyway, I found for me that a combination of extra, focused cuddle time, setting some limits, letting her stand and see what I am doing, and the baby carrier worked great for me. Good luck.

It may sound silly, but I think this is the perfect age to get a kitty ... then when she is hanging on your legs you can ask her where the kitty is. Usually they will run off in search of the kitty, giving mom a little reprieve. It always worked for my kids and my sister's kids and my best friend's kids too. good luck!

Hi R.,
Have you read the book Holding Time? I found it very helpful when my son was having difficulty bonding with me. It had some good suggestions on how to help him really connect with me instead of seeming to not really ever get enough of me. And he was a lot happier, contented and pleasant for everyone else too! There are some controversial ideas in it, but all taken with a grain of salt and an eye toward wholeness in the family relationships, I think it was a good read. I still use some of the principles, and he is 12 today.
Hope that helps.

This is typical of that age. Not all little ones do it to that level--some more, some less, but it isn't because you're doing something less than right. She thinks she's part of you, her identity is still wrapped into you...so she feels the need to be physically connected to you.

Distraction is nice. Be careful though, they are perceptive and sometimes become even more insistant and panic when they sense you're not wanting them.

If you have a sling, a moby wrap, a maya wrap, or a pouch, I'd highly suggest putting her in it when you go places.

I've put my little ones in the actual basket portion of a cart when shopping--if the sides go up to the chest--and that helped a lot.

Also, try having her walk. They have those harness-type gismos at Walmart, Target, etc..., in the baby section you can put on your baby allowing them to walk and explore a bit but they're tied to you. I used to hate the way that looked (like walking a dog) but having as many children I do, I've realized it is a useful tool that allows a sense of independance for the toddler and security for the parent. Of course, like any other thing, there are times it'll be a lifesaver and times it'll be a flop.

It's normal though; she's normal for behaving this way, you're normal for not enjoying it.

Rachel,
I understand what you are going through! My daughter did something very similar at about 15-16 months, and I was 5 months pregnant and couldn't figure out how I would handle 2 babies! I tried to set boundries, like asking her to show me and hold my hand, rather than holding her and having her lead my around with her pointer finger. But most days that just resulted in a melt down. I can remember trying to cook dinner and she would just hang on my pant leg! I thought it was b/c I work so much. But after talking with friends, it seems that it is her age. She finally just outgrew it. I would give it a bit more time, and see if she snaps out of it. In the meantime try to be patient (easier said than done) and keep trying to set limits, even if it results in a fit, at least you are trying.

I would start wearing her. I have used the baby bjorn for my little ones and I just purchased a beco baby carrier. I works for older babies. She needs time and touch from you. This makes it so you can go about your day, but she feels connected.

my daughter was the same way when she was smaller. she is almost two now and still gets clingy sometimes, but what helped her a lot was being around other kids. make an effort to arrange playdates, join a mothers and baby's group, go to the library for the mommy and me class (i'm not sure when it is, you can call for times). she'll be nervous at first, but as it becomes more routine for her, she'll most likely start being less clingy. as far as shopping (which can be a nightmare, i know)my daughter hates siting in the seat too. when we get to the store i ask her if she wants to walk or ride, she always walks, but i also tell her to stay with mommy or it's in the basket. you might try letting her walk beside you and see if she likes it. my daughter feels like such a big girl when she gets to walk and help push the basket! mostly just be patient, she'll get better, even if she stays a little shy, she'll become more sur of herself the more chances she gets to practice. good luck

Hi R.-

I have a 15 month who is also a mommy's girl. My advice is to get an ergo. She is too heavy to carry alone and the ergo, unlike several other carriers, has a belt at the waist and does not strain the back--it holds her close, facing you, where she wants to be and allows you to get things done. My husband and I are so thankful we got one--it has saved our backs! Hang in there!

Hi Rachel,
She is going to have to throw a few fits without you picking her up as a reward. Hard to do but this won't change until she knows you won't hold her all day and most certainly when dad is home, perhaps even leave the room a couple times while dad is home, especially if she is just waking from a nap, so dad is the only one there to pick her up and play. Tough love but as long as you continue to carry her the longer she will expect it. My son threw some great fits in the store, I told him to lay down and kick his feet, it would be even better, he quit and sat in the cart. All of us that have kids have had them throw fits in the store, don't worry about what you think others will think and do what is right for your daughter and put her in the cart or let her walk and if she throws a fit first so be it but don't carry her! A couple toys to occupy her time that she can only hold when in the cart helps.
Good luck, have fun,
SarahMM

I have a very clingy daughter as well. I don't have any idea how to get her to not want to be held constantly, but something that has saved me and my tired arms a ton is using a sling. If we are out shopping or some other public place, I use a sling (which can carry up to maybe 35 pounds, so should still work for a toddler). If I put her in a sling, I may be giving in to her need for mommy, but it saves my back and prevents embarrassing screaming fits in public. That way I can get my shopping done without interruption, she is happy, and I get tons of compliments on how stylish my sling is and how happy and charming my baby is, to which I often reply "Yes, she is, as long as she's getting her way". ;)

Hopefully this can prevent public melt-downs. I will be looking forward to the rest of the responses from more experienced moms so I can get help with this too!

Racheal
One of the hardest things I have done is to wean my kids from anything like the breast, being held, taking a bottle ets. This is onr of those things that might be hard for you, but I think you'll be glad you did. Try to stay in the same room and put her down for a while, then move farther away but put her down. work with distance and be consistant. If you do this eventually it will work, but it eill take time Good luck P.

Rachel,

You get to come up with something that works for both of you.
Example: Give her 15 minutes of uninterrepted love and hugging
and in return she gets to be quite and not disturb the people around you.

She gets to understand that if she doesn't live up to her end of the agreement you might not have 15 minutes for her. (You are not withholding your love, simply living with the consquences of mother not being relaxed enough for the whole 15 minutes).

I realize that your daughter is still very young, but I believe that you have the perfect way how to communicate this to her.

With my whole heart,
C.

R.,
Even though this is the hardest thing to do, you are going to have to let her throw her temper tantrum when your at home. In stores, thats a little tougher. My suggestion is bring along her favorite toy, doll or whatever, do not give it to her until you are in the store,that should keep her busy for a little bit, if it stops working pick her up for a minute then put her back in buggy with toy. Even better still if she starts to cry in the store and if it don't seem to be bother anyone else then let her cry. Keep telling her you'll pick her up in a minute or she's okay, or here , look, it's your favorite toy then play with her with the toy. All mothers have been through this at one moment or another so there is no need to get embarassed or angry.
Good Luck
E.