My 14 year old has a friend, female same age. They get along pretty well and she is often invited to activities with us. The problem is....her clothes don't fit her properly. They are always a little too small/too tight. She's a busty girl and I have rarely seen her in a bra that provides ample support to stop the twins from bulging out or just jiggling and bouncing. Her jeans seem to be a size too small. When she's coming over I automatically think.........what is she going to have on? Now some background on her since this might be critical. Her grandmother was her guardian for many years and she recently passed. Her mom has problems (I think in recovery/rehab) and is not actively involved in her life. She is now staying with relatives and has an older sister. I am not sure if they are buying her clothes this way or what.
Last weekend she joined my daughter for a concert and came in a t-shirt that showed nothing but cleavage... bouncing cleavage. I was like, "WTH?" A 14 year old should not have playboy bunny cleavage. Her aunt dropped her off and explained that she was trying to "do something with those boobs." Well, if you put them in better bra and a shirt that doesn't show her cleavage, then it might work." I know having an ample bustline is a lot of work (I can testify to that) and it's a big responsibility for a 14 year old. I fear the attention she will draw and I don't want my daughter drawn into that. It's like she's always in a too small push up bra and they don't need to be pushed up. I know personally.
My daughter is busty also and understands about cleavage, bra straps showing, etc. and I've taught her that if the twins are popping out or bouncing around, then that is not a good fit. I don't know how to approach a conversation with this young girl about her clothes or even if I should. I think her family would be totally offended if I said something to them. Perhaps they see nothing wrong or this is acceptable. Some of them dress very similar. Just to point out, I'm not walking around in turtlenecks and long skirts!
She also might not know what size bra she wears, how to pick out a well-fitted bra or that she needs a full-figure bra. It's just that sometimes she on display. Even if shocked, my daughter usually does not comment on her clothes, but she did this time and mentioned that while at the concert her friend started jumping up and down and nearly popped out her top. I think she's use to that. She's a nice kid, about to enter high school and she misses her grandma.
Should I have a conversation with her, as her friend's mother knowing that she may not be getting guidance on this in her homelife? Or am I crossing the line? I don't want to offend her. Is this not my business, as I should worry about my own daughter? Has anyone else had a similar situation?
I had a friend that did this. One day I just took her bra shopping. She didn't know what a good fitting bra was. As taught by her mom "they arn't supposed to be comfortable they are supposed to be pretty!"
I would bring it up in a teaching way. Maybe have a few clothes there for her!? It is not a good thing when a 14 year old shows all!
My first impression is that you should not say anything. It may be that the family cannot afford new clothing and you would just be making her feel self-conscious. The fact that her aunt mentioned it tells me that they are aware but perhaps just cannot afford a good bra right now. They can be kind of costly.
If you really want to do something, offer to take the girls for a shopping trip where you treat BOTH of them to a new outfit, including a bra.
If you feel the need to say anything you should say it to the adult that is responsible for buying her clothes. Saying anything to the girl isn't going to do anything besides make her uncomfortable...I mean its not like she has the money to go buy herself a new bra, ya know?
If you must say something, just be nice and polite and only to the adult in charge if her!
Growing up I didn't have any family not even a mother. From junior high thru high school I lived in a foster home setting and the only adult was an older man. I didn't know a lot of things girls learn from female role models.
I became friends with a girl in my neighborhood. She lived with her father & step mother. The step mom took me under her wing and taught me a lot. She helped me manage my very large C chest in my tiny 89 pound body.
When I was a sophmore I went to my boyfriends prom. She got me ready by doing my hair and makeup and helped me get undergarments for my white gown. Not one person recognized me at prom, no one ever saw me *done up* before.
Since this girl spends quite a bit of time hanging out with your daughter, perhaps you can purposely ask her to join you guys for a bra shopping day. Then talk about how important it is to not show assets because it will attract the wrong type of people. Hope it works out.
I'd worry about the child you have an amount if control over. YOURS.
What are you going to say? "Honey, your knockers are bouncing all over the place. Time to contain those suckers." Are you really concerned, or are you embarrassed? I can tell you one thing, she will be MORTIFIED if you say anything to her.
Leave it alone, it's not your business.
ETA: I'll never forget when my friend's mother took me into her kitchen and talked to me about bras. She wanted to give me some of her old bras!! Yeah, I wore one. Yeah, it was too small. My parent's could only afford so much, we were very poor. It was incredibly embarrassing, shaming, and awful. I felt so weird at that friend's home and just never went anymore. I lost a friend, because her mom felt the need to tell me about something I was ALREADY insecure about. Awesome. Don't be that women. This is NOT your child. Don't act like she is.
Don't say a single word to that poor girl. I have a feeling that it's more likely about not being able to afford clothes that fit at the moment than it is about needing to be talked to about wearing inappropriately tight clothes. It already sounds like she's from a rough home life, so why would you add to that? Clothes don't make a person who they are. Her clothes won't make her slutty. And it won't rub off on your daughter.
Can you afford to spend a couple hundred dollars on proper clothes for her? If so, offer to take her and your daughter clothes shopping. Say it is back to school shopping, do it soon, and make a fun girls day out of it. Maybe even throw in a pedicure or at least ice cream - something fun and not something they do every day. Then you can buy her clothes that fit right and are appropriate for school.
If you can't afford to buy the clothes yourself, talk to her guardians - not necessarily her mother, who doesn't sound helpful - and ask if they can provide some money for you to take her shopping. Just say you're taking your own daughter and would love to bring her friend along for the fun, but just can't afford it.
I don't mean to be snarky but: n u n y a
As in None Of Your Business
This girl has bigger fish to fry than whether you feel her bra fits properly.
Make sure your own daughter is dressed appropriately.
Thank goodness your daughter doesn't choose friends based on clothing. Sounds like a smart girl!
Please don't say anything to her. I know you mean well but a fourteen year old girl is a mess of raging hormones, and no matter how tactfully you try to say it she will likely be mortified, and your point will be lost.
Continue to set a good example for her, that's the best thing you can do. Compliment her as much as possible, especially about things that have nothing to do with her appearance. That will have a lot more impact on her self esteem than pointing out how big her boobs are and how she really needs to reign them in. Besides, most teenage girls make poor fashion/makeup choices (I know I sure did!) but it's just because they are girls becoming women and it takes some time for them to adjust to their new bodies.
Also, be aware that MANY girls leave the house looking one way only to change their clothes once they are out of their parents' sight, even the good little church going girls. I saw this first hand the first time I picked up my daughter and her friends from a high school dance a few years ago. Every single one of them had a bag with extra clothes in it (as a matter of fact the girl's bathroom was overflowing with bags and clothes) short micro minis and tight neon tank tops! Items purchased with their own money that they passed around to each other like canapes at a party :(
I agree that she will be mortified if you say anything to her. But you can say anything you want to your daughter in front of her! I hope you can take them both bra shopping, and talk about how you feel and look better when your bra fits right. Maybe go to a place where the saleswoman helps them pick out the right size! It's OK if you only buy her one new bra, find a 2 for 1 sale and get one for each of them. That would be a wonderful and kind thing to do. My daughter is rather modest for a petite 20 yr old but never worries about bra straps showing, she wears pretty, colorful bras! You cant do much about the cleavage except tell your daughter in front of her friend why you think showing too much cleavage makes people think you do not respect yourself. Make sure you phrase it "I think" or "in my opinion" because you will be talking about her relatives and her when you say "women who show too much......"
I had a friend when I was in junior high who came from a messy family situation, and who dressed questionably. We had a mutual friend whose mother was a clotheshorse, and they had a lot of money. This mutual friend's mom took both girls (her own, and the one who dressed questionably) out shopping - basically kind of adopted the poor girl - and got her some decent clothes. I'm not sure what conversation (if any) happened behind the scenes between the two moms on that one, but all I can say is, it seemed to make a world of difference to the girl who was always dressed badly. She finally had some decent clothes to wear, that fit her, and she looked really cute.
If you're in a position to do this for her, why not try? No reason to have to dwell on your reasons - simply, "Becky, would you like to go back-to-school shopping with us? My treat! We could use the company!" I bet you she'd jump at the chance. Then go to SOMA or somewhere with good, full-figured bras, and salespeople who know how to size them properly!
First I want to say kuddos to you for your concern! There are so many teens these days, that come from broken families, and have noone to turn to or discuss these things with them. They're just let loose to run wild, and we wonder why the teen pregnancies are increasing. The fact is, is if the rest of her family is dressing similar, then they most likely see nothing wrong with it - thus the cycle continues. As a concerned/caring parent, I think I would just try to have a little chat with her, even take her shopping- in a non-chalant way, as not to cause any embarrassment. Even try to address it to both girls together so it's not to point the finger. She probably just needs someone to care about her. I remember when I was younger my mom would chat with some of my friends, who didn't have a mother around, etc. They were really open to it and I think she helped several of my friends feel better about themselves. I am now in my 30's and have a teen son and a 3yr old daughter. I know I would be concerned as well. Best wishes to you!
I wouldn't worry about your own daughter unless you have cause to worry.
One of SD's friends was one of those girls - very busty very young. I never mentioned anything unless we were going somewhere together and one of them needed to rethink her outfit. SD used to joke that anything N borrowed would be stretched out. N struggled with appropriate clothes. But her mom was very much in her life and I didn't say anything unless it was in a "you might not realize your skirt is tucked in your underwear" type way. So you might say, "Friend, I don't know if you realize this but your shirt is a little low for the venue we are going to. I know how it is when you have a figure and the shirt isn't fitting the way you expect. Would you like to borrow a camisole?" But I wouldn't have a bra talk with her unless it comes up, as she does have a parent.
I am in the "Say something" camp.
My Father wound up a single Dad to 2 teen daughters. If not for the advice and guidance of our friends' Moms, I would have been clueless about certain things.
I would start with bra shopping - knowing how a bra should properly fit is nothing that we women are born with. I was not really taught that until I was in my 20s and shopped at an upscale boutique whose sales lady was horrified by my poorly fitting bra. I took the knowledge she gave me, and applied it to less expensive bras. LOL
I believe gentle, loving guidance would be wonderful for her. I know it was for me at that age.
Poor kid. I would have a girls day out with your daughter and her friend. Go buy your daughter and her friend one good fitted bra and an outfit. Make it a special day out maybe the girl's birthday?
Can your daughter talk to her? I think it would be better coming from a friend or relative. Perhaps, as someone else suggested talk to the aunt and see what the struggles are. Maybe the girl dresses like that on purpose; sadly, some do. You could also keep an extra cute top around that is her size, and let her borrow it when you take her out somewhere if she's not dressed appropriately.
I think you should take your daughter and her friend shopping together and see what she buys (your daughters friend) and maybe suggest something? I hope this helps!
K. B.
I dont think there is any good way to go about talking to her yourself. All I would hope for is that when school starts back up, there will be a dress code enforced and maybe that will help her.
Doesnt sound like anyone taught her what is appropriate dress. Hopefully the school will step in.
I realized that I was going to write for hours about my own kazoopers, my own life with various bra issues and found I wasn't really addressing the situation too well.
It would be very nice for you to do all the things that are mentioned or that you thought about doing to help or donate to her bra situation, but I guess I might tell you this:
I work at a middle school and despite parents who buy very wonderful clothing for their daughters I have also stood in the bathroom combing my hair only to see girls that went in with a big baggy pair of pants come out with a skirt that reached the top part of their whatzit and saw them readjust the cleavage look a bit. They seriously do this to be pretty but I do not think they realize the full ramifications of this. They just want to look and feel cool. I don't think they realize (I know I didn't for a long time) that this is a stimulus/ stimulator or whatever the heck one wants to say and yet they do this. They start out with one outfit and put on a totally inappropriate one. In schools it is perfectly alright, although usually angering the students, that they get sent to put on a gym suit or something that covers the whatsits. In this particular case however the girl might not realize or even actually feel comfortable if she is wearing hand me downs or someone else is uncomfortable telling her to change how she dresses. You can take her out and help her by buying some things, but it is no guarantee that she will continue to dress that way.. but at least you tried and that's what counts. She probably is a really wonderful nice girl, just doesn't know the power the twins have sometimes...
There are times when I am greatly relieved I have boys.
From my own experience, it is overwhelming to be busty at a young age. You don't know what to do or how to buy a bra - many times your care givers either don't have the same situation or don't know either. And sometimes it takes years to find that great bra!
I think (if you can afford to) that taking her with when you're taking your daughter out to get bra's is a good idea. Maybe before you leave, you can get out your trusty measuring tape and measure your daughter, then ask if you can do the same for her - it will be a good lesson (one which a LOT of women never learn). Then have the girls both try some on and get one that fits great. I think she'll like having a good bra that fits SO much that she'll ask her family (or maybe you) to get one fitting bra's.
Support is an important issue when you have more too - so you could really be doing miracle work for her!!
And I agree, I think that it's important and will elevate her self-worth and the persona that she eminates to others (even older men) if you can help her get this taken care of now.
Best of luck to you and God bless you for caring about this girl enough to try to figure out to do something that might be out of your comfort zone.
i think there is only one tactful way to handle this....if she fits your daughters clothes have your daughter come out wearing something similar when you're taking them somewhere and tell them BOTH to change into something more suitable and have her borrow your daughters clothes. this way you're not singling her out and J. being an annoying motherly figure
i'm being real in this suggestion, and a qyalifier - no boobs so my vote doesnt count. buuuut,
could you put on something similar to show her? when she expresses her surprise at how youre dressed, ask her to tell you whats wrong with the gurls out? (sorry for ty[os, holding infant)
have a little teachable moment from one big sister in the "gifted club" to a little sister in the club. :)
Without reading through the responses (sorry, I might repeat some advice!), here is what I would do:
I would ask the parents/care-givers if they mind hand-me-downs (in a nice way, like Oh I have a load of stuff to get rid of and it might be Jane's style....), and either hand your daughter's clothes to her if they would fit, or actually go BUY some clothes at a resale/thrift shop and give them to her as the hand-me-downs you mentioned.
You could also just by-pass that entirely and if your daughter's clothes would fit her, you could tell her she can pick out a few things if she wants, saying "Oh we are going to have a yard sale soon, but if you want anything from this pile, be my guest." I swapped clothes with friends all the time at her age, so that should be fine and not seeming like "charity." You could even toss in a pretty bra or two that might fit, but there is not a guarantee you will get the size right.
Another option is to offer to have a "makeover party" for the girls and take them shopping, but buy only a few things, then you could even roll your eyes and say to the parents "Girls these days! They wanted to shop for NEON COLORED bras, of all things!!!"
If you know her birthday, your daughter could always give the gift of clothes too.
I wouldn't really mention anything to her. I developed early myself and have some pretty scarring memories of things other friends' parents (and my own!) as well as teachers said to me, and I was TRYING to cover them up/hide! :( It's a sensitive topic and a sensitive time in her life.
As a last resort, you could talk to a school counselor, as they might have better results really talking to the family about this.
Amanda
YES! Have a little conversation with her and offer to go shopping with her (as a back to school, early birthday or whatever excuse present perhaps). Or say YOUR daughter wanted to go to a real bra fitting and wanted her friend to join her.
