Daughter's Friend & Girls Just Being Girls?

I think you need to sit down and have a talk with her. Talk about approciate games for her age. This does not sound like one of them. Maybe lean on her playing with different friends. This girl does not seem like the best influence. I would question that game if my 16 year old played it! Sounds like this girl is watching or exposed to more than normal 12 year olds.

At 12yrs old, your daughter is still very impressionable and at this age wants to feel "cool".

When something similar happened to my son at 12yr old, we had a "talk" after the friend left.

I explained to my son that this is a good example of how he is expected to begin making good decisions about the friends he choses to have in his life, and the friends that won't be so good.

We are Catholic, so it was easy for me to throw the "religious thing" at him and telling him what is a sin, etc.... My son is a good boy, and now, nearly 2 years later, he has been making better decisions about who he "hangs with".

It has amazed me how the young girls dress and act in his class, and it's very similar to what happened at your daugther's sleep over.

You need to nip it in the bud now, and have a talk with her about how much you love her and trust her, and want to keep the relationship what it is, but you can only do so if she makes good choices.

I believe her sleep over was harmless, yet a perfect opportunity for you to begin helping her grow up in this teenage world. Situations like this are going to become more often than not, so it's how you teach your daughter to react is what is important now.

~N. :O)

I think first of all I'd tell my daughter that that particular person cannot spend the night again for a while. Also, talk to your daughter about the Red Bull. Those things are banned in my house the same as alcohol. they are not good and they probably had the girls totally amped up, which is why your vase got broken. Make sure your daughter knows that you put that beverage and any other "energy boosting" drink in the same category as alcohol (if you do) and that they are not allowed in the house. Also, your daughter perhaps should not have anyone spend the night say for a month or so as a punishment because I'm sure she knew better than to get on your work computer. she has to be responsible for what she allowed her friend to do in your home!

Hi K.,

I would say that your daughter's new friend is one that wants your daughter to push boundaries with her. Your daughter knows the rules but is willing to break them to impress this "cool" friend. I would give your daughter consequences for breaking the rules and then have a serious talk with her about the decisions she will be making.

I have a daughter that has a friend like that. However, we have had several talks about what is right and wrong. Her friend wanted to have a slumber party and wanted to invite a girl whose parents did not like this friend. So, the group of friends wanted to come up with a fake invitation so that they could lie to the moms about where the party would take place. My daughter told me about it. So, I told my dd what we, as parents, expect from her and that it would be wrong to participate in the scheme. I told her to really think about whether she wanted to be friends with someone who would lie to her own mother and someone else's for a slumber party, then I let her make the decision concerning this friend on her own. She decided to tell her friend that if they were going to lie to the parents, then she would not be going to the party.

I did not want to forbid my daughter from seeing her friend, that almost always leads to lying. So, I gave her my advice and then let her make her own decision. Since that incident, she has cut down her own contact with that friend and she does not resent me.

D.

ANOTHER SOBERING THOUGHT:

It's hard to accept that our children might be the "ONE" who is the "bad influence". Sometime kids just need a nudge to go the wrong way and sometime they are nudging each other.

AFTER READING YOUR "SO WHAT HAPPENED"

Since the friend admitted SWIPING the Red Bull from her parents, I would definitely talk to her mother...Red Bull might not be the ONLY thing she's SWIPING.

Dear K.,

Since the girls left the red bull and the “artwork” on the floor, looks like they weren’t trying to hide anything. I would ask about the “sexy cop” badges, where they got the idea and what do they think it means? Explain to them why you feel things like that are inappropriate, cheap and degrading.

Personal Property

As for the broken vase, I would ask who did it and for reimbursement or replacement of your property.

The Computer

I agree with the Mama who said take a good look at your history since the girls went on line. If there is anything you don’t like, it needs to be discussed.

New Friend

Invite/ask the mother and father of the “new friend” over for coffee (soon), today if possible. Let them know your house rules and your expectations are when friends sleep over. Ask about their house rules are and expectations as far as the behavior of their children. If you feel their rules and expectations are similar to yours, let the girls know what the guidelines will be for the next sleepover.

I would recommend having this conversation in person and you might want to take a look at their home.

If you feel the “new friend” is a bad influence on your daughter, you can’t keep them from seeing each other at school, but you can put an end to sleepovers and other outside activities. Hopefully this won’t be the case because your child will be mad at you for a while, but she will find other friends and get over it.

Sleepovers

We use to call them slumber parties, but as I recall there was never much slumbering and Mom did have to ask us to be quiet more then once…so that’s kind of normal. We didn’t have a computer, so the noise was with the chatter, laughter, TV, radio or stereo. We usually had lots of junk food (chips, dip, popcorn and soda)….I don’t think Red Bull is good for anyone and especially not a 12 year old. (But, anyone can buy those kinds of drinks, so it’s up to the parents to educate their children early on the danger of too much sugar packed drinks).

Young Adults

Your daughter is going into a whole new phase of life, some parents seem to just throw their hands up and let their kids go crazy as teens. I say keep the lines of communication open, keep a close eye on everything (without becoming totally invasive—unless necessary for your child's safety). Remember you are not here to be her “friend”; you are here to be her mother.

Children are not always happy with their parent’s decisions and discipline. When they are older and wiser, they will be thankful.

Blessings…..

You received some great advice. You and your husband definately need to speak with the other girls parents. They should know she is sneaking behind their backs. You should also talk to your daughters friend about disrespecting your home and that she will not be allowed in it again if this is how she behaves.

it sounds like she has different house rules. just set the expectations for her when she is at your house since she is a guset. if she can't seem to follow them then don't allow her to spend the night anymore. good luck I have found this age to be challenging with my daughter and her friends.

I think if the girl comes to your house you need to make it clear that if the same behavior happens again she will not be welcome back to your home....period. It is a good lesson for your daughter as well, she needs to be able to recognize that some people are not raised to care about other peoples property, (ie., have good manners)and the consequence to bad behavior is not being invited back again. Unfortunately we live in an age where that is the norm rather than the exception. =/

Hi K.,
As a family therapist who works with teens, I would recommend you take the 'gentle approach' with this first tiem offense. Find a quiet, un (or less) stressful time to talk to your daughter, tell her what you found, and ask her what she wants to tell you about it. Try not to judge ('Thta's the dumbest thing I ever heard!' but go for empathy instead, 'I can understand how you felt pressured by your friend....'-- she'll be more likely to talk if you take that approach. Then, ask her what she thinks is a fair punishment for getting on your computer. If it seems fair to you, go with it, if it doesn't seem stiff enough, say, 'I worry you might forget to leave my computer alone if that was all the punishment. I was thinking something more like....'
Good luck!

You say this morning. I assume this means the friend is still at your house. I would confront them together. I would also find this totally unacceptable. The friend needs to hear it from you and I would also call the other family and say we need to talk. Maybe call the family first and say I don't know who started it but we both need to talk to the girls and make it clear this is never okay. Hopefully your dealing with a family that feels the same. Theres a chance your not. All this can be done calmly and yet firmly. Your daughter should feel the disapointment she caused but also the unconditional love. I'm with you 100%. I have a 12 almost 13 year old daughter and I feel very on guard at this time in her life. My awarness for everything including our relationship is on alert. These are the small but important issues ,the big ones are on the horizon. Best wishes.

If your daughter has not showed this behavior in the past. I would let her know the friend isnt welcomed back. Probably be sneakier next time if you do. Also let the girls parents know about the unexceptable behavior. If they care they will want to do something about it. If for some reason your daughter was most of the wrong doing she may also admit it knowing you are going to inform the other parents. After talks with your DD, and friends parents you may reconsider another stay, or not. Blessings, N.

I would definately have a talk with your daugther. She is hanging out with a friend who seems to get her way or get into trouble a lot. Your daughter is old enough not to get on your work computer. You have to tell this type of behavior is not allowed in this house. The next time she wants to invite that friend over to stay the night all you have to say is no. But you can say yes, but if this happens again, she will not be allowed in this house ever again including attending your daughters birthday parties. You have to put your foot down now or it will happen over and over and over again. Good Luck

Sounds like this particular friend shouldn't be invited over until she can follow house rules. Your daughter should be able to tell her what is allowed and what is not. If you feels she is a bad influence,or if your daughter can't stand up to her suggestions to do things she knows are against the rules, than limit contact. Good luck

A little about me: Child psychiatrist, married 21 years, two kids age 19 and 12.

My 15 yr old DD has always had friends spend the night and in Nov her friend had planned to meet up with friends at the walmart so my DD went with her. They snuck out the window at 1:30AM and walked there amd to a park first. I never dreamed she would be so stupid so no I fon't think you are overreacting. Thankfully everything turned out fine but they get this invincible feeling and you have to nip it in the bud. Ever since she got caught she is so angry with me.