Daughter's Classmate Is a "Tattletale" and a Trouble-maker

C., it's important to talk with the teacher first and if you are not satisfied go to the Vice-Principal or Principal, which ever one is assigned to behavior situations.

It is also important to keep an open mind when talking with the teacher. She will listen to you better if you listen to her first. I don't know how old your daughter is but my granddaughter is 6 and in the first grade. She's into a fantasy sort of lying stage. I have playground duty one lunch period a week and I have heard her tell an entirely different story about what we both saw.

You haven't talked to the other kid or the teacher and so you also have not heard all sides of the story. You need to know all sides before you can know what is going on.

I want to suggest a possibility of what could be going on here. I see this between kids all the time. Kid #1 does something that causes kid #2 to react by doing something to kid #1. Then kid#1 complains to the teacher. Once kids get into that cycle even they don't know what they're doing.

It would help me to be more specific if I knew the age of your daughter. Tweens and teens are even harder to understand than the little kids. They get into a lot of game playing. If these kids are game playing it is important to know why they are doing it. What do they want to achieve. Perhaps this boy really just wants the girls to pay attention to him but he doesn't know how to get their attention in a more positive way. Maybe, instead of just saying no, the girls respond in a catty or put down way when he asks. And the teacher sees this in action. I have taught. It would be rare that an experienced teacher wouldn't know the personalities and behaviors of the kids in her classroom. Of course it's possible the teacher is playing favorites and if she is she may not be aware of it. Communication is the only way to amicably solve this sort of problem.

My focus would be to find out what is happening from all view points. You could even go to school and observe. And then find a way to teach both the girls and the boy a different way of relating to each other. If they're young and both you and the teacher are on the same page this should be somewhat easy.

My parents taught me to believe that when I am in the classroom the teacher is the authority. They didn't take sides until they talked with the teacher. And even then they didn't criticize the teacher if they disagreed with what she had done or was doing. They talked with me and my teacher to find a solution that would work for them. And then I was to do what the teacher and my parents had decided to do. If that didn't work there was more talk. My mother always asked me what I wanted to accomplish and she helped me understand how that fit with their decision. When I was in junior high I would go with my mother to talk with the teacher.

M.

While reading this, I just wanted to say that you should try to volunteer for a few days, maybe once a week or twice a month. You maybe able to see for yourself what is going on. I just recently did this at my sons school, It was very informative. The teacher was so happy that I was involved. I am going to do it more often. I think as long as my kids are in elementry school I will make volunteering a goal. I think you will walk away with a clear vision of what you daughter is talking about.

By the way, I think the clips might be a discipline system, like the one in my son's class. In the start of the day everyone is on green. If a child's behavior is a problem at all, their clip with their name on it is moved to yellow. If they are really acting up, they get their clip moved down to red, meaning they will get a call home to report the behavior problem.

Good luck,
DeAnna P.

Hi there! Well, you did not say how old your daughter was, but I have 6 children and my #3 has had problems with bullies and kids that make bad comments to him under their breath, etc. I have had to talk to the vice principal, school counselor and all the teachers to get them on board to help him to have a successful life at school.

I would probably not start with the teacher. It sounds like she might have some favoritism going on there. If you could talk to the Principal or Vice Principal about your concerns, they are an outside party and won't have that favoritism concerns. You also really need to say that your daughter does not feel like coming to school because of it. That usually should raise a red flag to the principal that something is seriously wrong. If it does not, that is sad.

ALL KIDS should be heard. ALL SIDES should be respected. You are the ONLY ADVOCATE for your children. I have learned that you have to be 'in there' and have the teachers know of your expectations of them...not the other way around. You are in control of your children's welfare and such. I have told many teachers that I care more about my children's self esteem than their grades or any tests and I EXPECT them to respect my wishes. They all do. :)

Good luck and I hope things change for her. That is just a terrible thing to have to deal with at such young ages.

Yes, you need to talk to her teacher. Go into the talk with an open mind - chances are your daughter is telling the truth, but as a teacher myself I've seen this situation many times and often "the innocent" is the instigator. If in fact the situation is as your daughter says, then her teacher should be intervening, not taking the boy at his word, and working to solve the problem. However, I've come across many teachers who would rather not deal with such issues and tend to take the easiest route out. If that turns out to be the case then you need to see the principal. Your daughter should not want to avoid school because of a bully. Good luck.

I definitely think you should talk to the teacher, and as a few other people have suggested, do so with an open mind. A great approach is to ask the teacher to help you understand what is happening in the lunch room and what you can do as a parent to support the teacher in making sure that lunchtime can be pleasant for everyone. That kind of attitude, if you can be sincere about it, really goes a long way. It communicates that you accept that there is more than one side to any story, that you respect the teacher, and that you truly want to be helpful. Another approach is to simply share what your daughter has communicated with you and then to ask, "What can you do to help me in this situation?" in a very nice way. It's a direct approach that is friendly, but the listener really has no option but to respond positively! Finally, I recommend joining your daughter for lunch a few times. It may be eye opening.

I've taught second grade for several years, and this is the year that some kids begin to get a bit of a mean streak. I have also seen kids gang up on a kid emotionally, claiming that a child is doing naughty things when he or she really isn't. I can't tell you how many parents I've met with who end up in tears because they can't believe that their angel (and I don't say that sarcastically- there is no one as wonderful as my own child!) is making things up or doing unkind things. And then there are kids out there who really are doing the naughty things and pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. Neither is good. Find out which it is for sure...

Good luck!
J.