Daughter Talks About Dying and Death Quite Often

My 4yo grandson has been inquiring about death for awhile now. I'm not at all worried that there's anything morbid about it, though we could make it so if our reactions were too anxious or evasive. I think the curiosity is normal and very innocent. While my grandboy did recently lose a great grandma he was fond of, the finality of death is really hard for a child that young to grasp.

There is another normal stage later on, around 10-12, where kids grapple with the big questions again, and that period is often haunted by fear of death. I recall being terrified of dying when I was 11. But then I nearly died from a burst appendix when I was 12, and I had no fear. Go figure.

When my grandboy asks why people get old and die, or why my skin is so old, or tells me he wishes I would never die (so sweet!), I tell him cheerfully and matter-of-factly that everybody who is born gets a turn to be young. And everybody who ever lives gets a turn to die. For most people, that's after they've had their turn to grow up and get old. When we get old and tired enough, we die so other new people can have their turn. That simple explanation, shared without drama, seems to be pretty satisfying for the little guy.

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Hi C. - gosh that must have been really terrifying for all of you when your grandmother collapsed. I'm very happy to hear that she is doing better.

As for your daughter, I think she is processing through what she saw and is doing very normal things role playing with her dolls. I wouldnt necessarily be afraid of it or even really discourage it at this point. If the issue of death comes up, like when she's playing with her dolls, you might engage her in some age-appropriate conversation and even ask her some questions like what does she think dead means? Perhaps let her talk with her great-grandma on the phone or the two of you can make her a get-well card to send.

My oldest son had a lot of questions about death starting at 3.5 and on through 5 or 6. He would see something happen in a movie or wonder why I was disappointed when he squashed a bug on purpose. I was pretty ill at one point and he wanted to know if I was going to die and what would happen if his little brother died. He would ask hard questions like "if heaven is so wonderful, why shouldnt I just die and go be with God now?"

I would always feel alarmed inside because my son was worried about thoughts and things too big for him. We talked practically but reassuringly to him. We told him it's just nature's way that plants and animals and people are born, they live their life, have kids of their own, and when they are very old, it's natural for them to die. We will miss very much people who die but will always have our memories of them to remind us how much we loved them. I told him how God loves life and wishes for all of us to live a long and happy life. I told him how he was going to keep growing bigger and bigger until he was as tall as daddy. How he was going to go to school and then high school and then college and then maybe get married one day and get to be a daddy and even a grandpa. We told him that he would love his kids and his grandkids as much as we all loved him and his brother.

Some of that is too advanced for your little one but I hope it will give you some peace of mind that even little ones are able to understand deep things about life and death. They just need it in little packages at a time. I hope your gm continues to do much better and is around for your daughter to enjoy for years to come.

Blessings.

C.

Hi C., I have a rather blunt 4 year old and she often talks about death. She mentions it all as a matter of fact, in which it is.

My dad died years ago and she always refers to him as her dead grandfather. The dog had to be euthanized and she says he is dead too. The fish died and they are dead too. She is momentarily saddened by this, but then carries on like normal.

In my opinion, I think she will get over all of the death talk. I was in shock when I tried to tenderly explain where my dad was and she came out and said, "Oh he is Dead" and now I kind of giggle. More and more it has mellowed.

But my daughter is bold like that. She used to ask if she was uncertain of someone's gender in the store, "Mommy, boy or girl?".

I would save the explaining. Somehow she understands that we live and we die, which is the truth.

Just as birth is a fact of life and kids ask questions, death is too. Be as honest and as forthright as you can about all her questions, including what we would consider gruesome details.

Both my kids (3&5) witnessed my step dad passing away, totally unplanned. The hospice workers gave me lots of advice to help us all deal. Being honest was the biggest piece of advice.

"What happens to the body" It gets cremated or buried. What does that mean? The body is turned into ash or is put into a coffin and buried underground. They want to know, and the more they know the less scared they are...it's not some black hole. GL! And Glad everything is OK for now.

Personally, I wouldnt worry about what your daughter is doing and I wouldnt discourage her. She is "processing" what she saw happen with her GGM. I think I would go along with the "play" and ask her some simple questions...."how does it make you feel that your dollie is dead?" "does it make you sad?" Let her explore her feelings and reactions...look at this as a teachable moment and help have a clearer understanding of what she is thinking and feeling. That is our job, to help our children interpret the world around them, help them sort out their feelings and reactions. Don't let her see that you are upset or negative about this...death is a part of life...you can't avoid it!!

Your daughter probably keeps bringing it up because you haven't addressed it to her satisfaction. It sounds like it makes you uncomfortable, and although I don't blame you, at this point you are only hurting her because she's picking up on your discomfort. At her age, she can't understand mortality enough to be very afraid of dying, so just answer her questions about death matter of factly. Don't say more than she is asking, and she will be satisfied and stop bugging you about it. I told my son that if someone dies that means they go away and we can never see them again. He thought that was enough at 3, but then he asked me (at 4) where he was before he was born and where we go after we die. So I told him, based on our beliefs. If you're not sure how to answer that because you have no specific beliefs, now would be a good time to get some. Your children depend on you for some sort of spiritual guidance and reassurance.

My son (turns 4 next month) is doing the same thing right now. He had two Grandfathers pass away last year and we hadn't told him they had died or attempted to explain death to him, but finally after he asked where one of them were I told him where he was, and then later the same thing when he asked about the other Grandpa. Since then death is really on his mind. He plays that his toys die, but then they get better and aren't dead anymore. I tried explaining that when you die you don;t come back - that you are dead and he "explained" to me that only soccer balls are dead, and then you throw them away and get a new one (apparently after being attacked by the dog his soccer ball was thrown away bc it was dead - wow! watch what you say to these little people! haha) So, we've just been letting him be obsessed for now. Like everything, we're sure this will pass as soon as something new grabs his attention.