Daughter "Suddenly" Shy and Avoids Activities She Used to Enjoy

Hi M.,
I just went to a day-long workshop this past weekend about effectively communicating with our kids, and based on what I learned (the little I have had the chance to try since Sunday has worked quite well), I would suggest that you say in a very empathetic voice (sound like what you are describing or apparently you won't sound real), "It sounds like you reeaaally don't want to go to dance class (or whatever the issue at the moment is)." And then just wait to hear her reaction. When she sees that you really get how she is feeling, supposedly she will surprise you by opening up a bit. You should just make noises like you would when you're talking to a friend on the phone, e.g., "Uh huh, ya, mmm, okay, ah." As silly as this sounds, my son has been offering up more info this way. Asking lots of questions puts people on the defensive(role-play this with your husband -- with him playing your daughter's part, so that you can both feel the frustration of, basically, being interrogated. Choose a topic that will resonate with him -- maybe he has just had a bad day at work and really doesn't want to take out the trash -- who knows -- just something that makes sense in your lives. If the technique I describe above gets your daughter to open up, let her know that you hear that she doesn't want to go to ballet because of x, y, and z. Resist the temptation to convince her that she is a great dancer, or whatever else, as she will likely feel like she should not be having the emotions she is having and could shut down again. She is having those emotions, so it's important to work from there. After acknowledging her situation, you can suggest trying to find solutions that you both like. All ideas are okay, just like in a brainstorming session -- no judgements as the ideas come out, no matter how silly or unworkable they are. Write the ideas down even though she cannot read (or maybe she can; just going with probability). Once the ideas are on the table, go through them with her to see which ones are okay with both of you. I hope this helps!
K.

From my experience, and from what our preschool director told us and reading the Gesell Institute child development series, her reactions are perfectly normal, albeit frustrating.

The first thing that comes to mind is a change in her routine.

The second thing is that she is 3 1/2...when you read YOUR THREE YEAR OLD, you'll understand why. As their brain develops their behavior changes, and reaching 3 1/2 is one of the most dramatic, you feel like you have a changeling in your midst. A normally happy go lucky kid will suddenly become insolent. It's absolutely amazing & disheartening, but it will pass in a few months. Run out & read the book, it will be a lifesaver. I know my husband was just about thru & was ready to really crack down & go old-school on our son when it happened. I finally got him to read the book & he came down the stairs one morning & was stunned, because it described our son to a "T". The book will tell you that it's not going to offer tools to handle every situation, but for us, just knowing what they can handle & can't & what to expect behavior wise, is a HUGE tool & helped us tremendously.

Our now 6 year old, hit 3.5 as he started preschool AND we went on a road trip (6 hrs a day/3 days each way all in the same car) with my octogenarian parents. My mother totally regressed & behaved just as badly as my son.... This is how I celebrated my 40th birthday!

Please note, these books are OLD & based on research done primarily on boys, but it applies to both girls & boys. I know, we were part of a co-op & I remember one of the most friendly out-going girls coming back from vacation & being just dreadful. I looked at her & asked, are you 3.5? She nodded & it all made sense....

I wish I could help you decide what to do about the ballet recital, but I would keep trying with the ballet class as long as you continue to be consistent with making it to the Monday class.

A little about me: I'm a 42 year old Mom of a delicious 6 year old & 21 weeks pregnant with our 2nd, a little girl. My best friend & loving husband of 13.5 years & I are thrilled.

All three of my kids (now 9, 12 & 15) went through varying degrees of this type of behavior. My best advice is: they don't need classes or lessons before the age of six. I know, I know....it's hard because there are so many great programs and opportunities, and we all want our kids to learn and enjoy these things. But she will have years and years to grow and explore her interests.
I pushed my oldest two much more than my youngest. I didn't even think I was pushing at the time, but I look back on it now (the crying, the bribing "we'll get an ice cream after!") and I can't believe I did it. As a result, the very classes I had so thought would good from them have left them with nothing but bad memories ("remember that gymnastics class you made me go to? I hated that!")
So now, in our community it's common for kids to start playing soccer at age 4 or 5. I waited until my youngest daughter was 8 and she had a fantastic time! She wasn't "behind" at all.
So take a deep breath and relax. Buy a ballet video and dance with your little ballerina around the living room. The ballet classes will still be there when she's ready for them. Good luck!

She is 3 years old. I don't believe that you are getting into any habit by pulling her out. She really is young and it is alot of overwhelming pressure for a child that young to live up to. Go with the flow and keep activities simple. She sounds like she has alot of time away from mom and dad being in daycare and with you gone. I would just keep the rest of the time to just be home together, go for a walk, go to the park or kick a ball around. That will help her be more well adjusted than any class ever could. NO one has ever suffered by not being in classes so young. She will be fine, just lighten her load a little and give her more time at home, with you. Good luck!

Hi, M.. Your question does leave some concern regarding the dramatic shift in your daughter's behavior. While most of the respondents were focusing on the ballet class, it struck me that your daughter's shift seems to impact other social functions as well. I know this may be difficult to address, but has she been left with anyone who might have hurt her or is it possible something happened in the ballet class? There is a difference between a child being fussy, picky, whiny, crying etc...with activities (manipulation) and socially isolating herself (like friend's BBQ for 30 minutes). It seems her standing by the gate before talking to anyone was her way of needing to feel safe before engaging.

I know as parents we hate to even think about things like this. I don't think we think about them enough. It could be nothing, but the tone of your question seemed like you know something more is going on than just refusal to go to ballet class. Trust your instinct and go with it.

I would talk to your daughter and ask her if anyone has hurt her or touched her in anyway. If she answers, "no" at least you can be rest assured you are dealing with normal development stuff than a more serious situation.

Hi M.,

I have two daughters age 13 and 10. My eldest daughter flip flopped for years between activities and playmates for years and it puzzled me until I read a very thoughtful article by T. Berry Brazelton re the fact that like us, children change their minds about things. We have no control over what happens to them during their day at daycare or nursery school and something completely random has happened to cast a negative association between ballet and her association to cause her reaction. Remember, she is only 3 1/2. If she doesn't like it, let it go. My daughter took ballet three different times and at three different schools. She is 13 now and a serious ballet student who studies with great enthusiasm 1 hours a week. She has also gone through a soccer period ( six years), competitive gymanstics and competitive jazz. When she wanted to quit gymnastics and I let her, my husband said, "oh no, are we raising a quitter?". She was so young and the gymnastics school was so competitive and I would find her crying in the bathroom. Two weeks afterwards her asthma dissappeared and she stopped taking the three meds she needed to deal with the asthma. It was stress and anxiety produced due to the demands of "extra-curricular activities". In other words, this isn't about taking her SAT's re your daughter. It's ballet for tots. You have so many years ahead of you to step in when she'll need it. Enjoy just hanging out while she is little because before you know it all these activities turn one's life into a complete drag.

One more piece os advice - these activities get the attention they do because adults have turned them into full fledged businesses and that is where all the pressure comes from and has caused the pure joy and enjoyment to leave everything from softball to ballet. Even "Sports Illustrated" and the "Wall STreet JOurnal" have recently had lengthly articles regarding the commercialization of childrens sports. So many of them are year round now vs seasonal the way they were when we were growing up. They are full fledged businesses complete with marketing of every possible aspect from photos to sweatshirts, etc. Many parents sign their kids up without their children's knowledge nor enthusiasm solely as a way to bring more socialization into the adult's life. Be careful because small children need down time more than anything and with working parents it's time with the parent they want, not more institutional recreation with other adults. It becomes an extension of daycare.

Our 7-year-old daughter went through a very similar pattern -- I call it a pattern, not a phase, because it came and went over time.

Soccer, ballet, swimming -- for a few sessions she'd love it, and then for a few sessions she would not want to participate. We found that the best approach was just to let her work it out in her own mind, i.e. we'd still take her to her scheduled classes, but if she did not want to participate, we made no big deal out of it -- we'd just sit on the side together and read a book or something. Eventually she'd want to jump in, but if not, we just let her sit it out.

We found that stressing as adults and then pressuring her to go participate tended to make matters worse, and then made her wary of trying other new activities.

Now that our daughter is into team sports like soccer the idea of team commitment is very important, but at 3 1/2 i'd just let her come in and out as she pleases, so she felt the joy of trying new things with no pressure. Yes it was frustrating to pay for ballet classes when all we did was sit there, but when we thought of all the gym member fees we've wasted as adults it did not seem so bad. :-)

Oh, I forgot to mention -- of course it is also possible that your being out of town and expecting, other factors, etc. could be affecting her as well, but when this happened to us it was an easy fix -- we'd just be sure to carve out some extra 1:1 time and do whatever she wanted -- read a book together, cuddle, go out for ice cream (and nothing else -- no errands, etc.). To carve this kind of time out with a clearly crazy schedule is not easy, but I guarantee you it is not lost on the child, esp a 3 1/2 year-old *daughter* -- she will not be able to verbalize it necessarily, but she will get it, loud and clear, that the luxury of this kind of extra time together means she is very important and loved, and this will very likely reflect in her behavior.