My 3.5 year old daughter has recently started telling us that she can't do it, meaning that she can't get her own food on her fork or spoon. And she doesn't want to eat with her hands. We try not to do it for her, but it is hard. I know some of it is due to her not wanting to eat what is served, but she will sometimes do it with her faves. I get frustrated and then feel bad that I got frustrated. My son never had this issue, so I am not sure what to do.
PS
She has gone to bed hungry before, because we did not help or she did not want to eat.
Thank you for all of your great support and suggestions. We are working on how we say things, and just keep asking her to try her best. And I try not to get too frustrated. Thanks again!!!
Have you considered letting her pick out some special forks & spoons? Party City has character sets in their birthday party sections.
Or maybe tell her that she can feed you while you feed her? Or for every bite she takes on her own, she can feed you a bite. Something like that?
Don't ever send you kid to bed hungry, it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to them. Her wanting you to feed her may not have anything to do with the food itself, but maybe she just wants the attention from you. In my opinion, there is no reason why you shouldn't feed her if she wants you to. I mean, she isn't going to be asking you to feed her when she is 8. I think it is probably just a phase that will pass. She may miss the bond that you had when you fed her before. It is not worth getting frustrated about. She is still young. You want her to eat her food, even the healthy stuff that she doesn't care for, and if it means you feed it to her, do it. You aren't going to scar her for life by feeding her. She knows how to feed herself, so it is not a developmental thing that you need to worry about. I am sure she plays enough to improve those fine motor skills without having to feed herself.
Enjoy the stage while it lasts, before you know it she will be in 7th grade and she won't want your help with anything. She may not like the mess that she makes when she feeds herself. She might not like to eat with her fingers either. Some people are that way. I don't like to eat things with my fingers. I don't even eat pizza with my hands. I think you should just feed her if she wants you to. The phase won't last long, it is not worth getting frustrated about.
My daughter pulled this same stunt, but with all sorts of things. I told her I didn't want to hear "I can't" anymore. I only wanted to hear "I'll try!"
If she tried something several times and proved to herself and me that she couldn't do it, then no problem to ask nicely for help which I gladly granted. Especially with a girl, I just wanted to be sure not to encourage or enable any type of learned helplessness behavior!!
As for food specifically, we tell her if she balks at what we're serving for supper not to worry about it that breakfast will come in the morning! She usually eats then. We also point out that it's impossible to know if you like something until you actually TRY it! There's a cute Charlie & Lola book about this called "I will not ever never eat a Tomato"
My two year old goes through this as well. She either wants to do everything herself one day or the next day she wants "M." to do it. It sounds like stubborn behavior. I know they try to see what they can get away with. I would try positive encouragement in this case. I know when my daughter won't eat with her fork. I make a big deal about how Daddy and mommy are using a fork. And get really, really excited. Just really blow it out. Eventually she starts using her fork like mommy and daddy. I would defenitely try the positive encouragement to encourage her to do things for herself. She may be going through a phase where she wants more attention. Try to ignore the behavior that you do not allow and provide attention for positive behavior. Maybe that might help! Good luck.
Whoa!! THis is typical 3 year old behavior!! They are learning constantly as well as testing out any ideas that cross their mind. My oldest is 6 and wanted to copy mommy n daddy. My Son is weeks from being 4 and still has his days when he wants to be the baby. Thats natural.
DO NOT WORRY BOUT SKIPPIN A MEAL!! Kids aren't goin to starve themselves. If she's really hungry, she will eat just bout anything you put in front of her! Children can be stubborn....they're children. Dont stress too much.
The character plastic ware is a good idea..anything to motivate. Try also telling her brother how big he is and how proud you are of him when he eats with silverware and then make sure you do the same anytime she exhibits the same behavior. She will want the same praise. If she doesn't want to eat, then let her sit there and be upset. If she outright won't and you send her to bed, tell her she can try again in the morning. She'll realize you dont give in and will soon enough forget all about being stubborn(on that issue...she'll find another one...lol)
My son doesn't like to stop moving long enough to sit and eat. BUt is ALWAYS "STARVING!" We require meals to be eaten at the table as a family and have had many times when he refuses to eat because he dont want to sit down to do it. He wants to take a bite and run and go back n forth. So he didnt get anything new to eat till he completed his lunch one day. No snacks, no dinner, nothing but water and his original lunch. Everytime he was "full" of his two bites - I put it up and 15 min. later when he was hungry, it was back. He didn't like that. He's always been a snacker. He eats constantly and is very lean and hyperactive. Even with healthy snacks, he needs his meals for proper nutrition. So for a full 8 hours he held out not eating because he was mad at me for not letting him snack and run around. When we all sat down to dinner - he got his saved lunch. He was upset but hungry so he ate it plus dinner items he wanted after. He generally finishes his meals nowadays.
Just hang in there!!
ps. mine now has come up with a "special" language and uses it to sass and answer me when he's not getting what he wants...there always something NEW!!! AHHHH!!!
Both of my kids have done this in the past. I would act like it didn't bother me, and I would say, "Can't never could do anything, but I know you can...If your not going to do it I guess you'll just be hungry later." If it is because she doesn't like what you are serving, I would put it in the fridge, and tell her you'll warm it up when she gets hungry. Don't give her anything else to eat until she has eaten a reasonable amount. She may cry in desperate persuation, but within a few days, when she realizes she will not win the battle, she will start eating. During this time, if she throws a fit, tell her you'll start using time-out until she pulls herself together, and follow through. After this is accomplished, you can work with her on doing things with a 'happy heart'. This part can make things more pleasant for you. Whatever you choose to do about this issue, consistency is the biggest thing. Take Care! K.
How, then, did you know she was hungry? Have you never just 'skipped' dinner? Sometimes kids are voracious eaters, sometimes they eat like birds. I wouldn't be worried unless you have three or four days in a row that she eats less than half her food at more than one meal.
Or if she suddenly starts losing weight.
JMO
S.
Just tell her to try. If she hasn't had any previous trouble with feeding herself, then it sounds like a behavior issue. Don't feed her...she's not a baby. Don't feel bad about getting frustrated either. We all do it. Good luck.
Love and Logic may help you with this.....their website has great resources and I use their strategies DAILY. Puts responsibility, energy to think, and problem solving on the child...love it.
Don’t make yourself feel bad for getting frustrated… we all do that. But try not to get frustrated, it is just a phase, my 4 year old went through it and my 3 year old is currently having the same issue.
We have taken 2 approaches… 1. If you can’t be a big boy and eat with silverware, then that is OK and completely your choice, you can get down and wash your hands but you will NOT get a treat!
If treats are really a priority for him that night, then… 2. You can eat like a big boy and figure this out, I will set the timer (so he is not at the table until 8:00) for 5 minutes and if you can eat with your silverware and have a happy plate before the timer beeps then you will get your treat :-)
Good Luck!
E.
Hi, I know this is late in posting, but maybe it will help. My husband is a drug cousler of 10-17 yr olds. He hates the word "can't". In our house, it a four letter word. We always have to rephrase (sp??) our sentences. For example, if my daughter says "I can't put up the dishes", we make her rephrase it. So, she might say something like "I'm not tall enough to put up the cups yet, can someone please help me?" or "I'm not all enough to put up the cups yet. I'll get the step stool." It took awhile, but with all of us correcting each other, it really helped.
