Daughter Sad Because She Doesnt Have an Iphone like "Everyone" at School?

You are being a good mom, teaching her that parents say No sometimes and mean it, you're setting limits and sticking to them. She is being a typical 10 yr old who wants what the other kids have. There is no answer for this problem. Sorry. Just keep being a good mom.

I tell my kids all the time that if they are unhappy because they don't have something other do have then they will never ever be happy. There is always going to be someone that has something they do not. I tell my kids they need to be happy for the people who have what they have and happy for what they themselves have. My kids do not have cable TV. There is one DS to share between 4 kids. We have one computer that we all share and there is one TV hooked up to a disc player and a Wii. NONE of my children have cell phones of any kind and they won't until they can pay for it themselves. My oldest is 16 and the youngest is 3. They have to work to get along and sometimes that means that the 16 year old has to watch what the 3 year old likes. It also means that the 16 year old has to be mindful of the younger kids and not watch or listen to things inappropriate for the younger ones. It sounds like you are being a good mother and you are on the right track. If a school had the children bring their iPods, iPads, phones and DS to school, I would be ripped. I don't send my kids to school to play. I send my kids to school to get a quality education.

My kids had phones at that age but the reason they did is because they got home from school before we were home from work. But the phone was a cheezy cheep phone. And they did not go to school. Well once my youngest took his and because they were not supposed to have them he took it to the office after he showed it off. Because that's were they were supposed to stay if they brought them. He got introuble at home for taking it. My kids have Ipods but they are not allowed to take them to school. My oldest has a smart phone that he get's to take to school now because he walks home and the only reason he has that is because one of my friends gave it to him. We did not pay for the smart phone for him. When they tell me that so and so has this and gets to take it I tell them I am not that persons mom!!!!

I'm totally with you and I also wonder ... how do parents control what their children see on the internet if they have a mini-internet in their pocket?

Just remember there will always be the hot items that 'everyone has.' Except in reality, everyone DOESN'T have it. For me, in the 80s, it was designer jeans. If you didn't have Sassoon, Gloria Vanderbilts, Calvin Kleins ... you just weren't cool 'Everyone' had a pair. Yeah, everyone ... except me. And as Gloria Gaynor sang, I survived.

Tell her L. is sad because I also do not have an iPhone.

But I am thrilled with my droid.

She should start saving up. Anytime our daughter wanted something like this that WE could not afford.. Our daughter saved up and purchased it herself. It is not just the cost of the phone, it is the cost of the service every month.

Your daughter must learn that it takes working to get these things

Have you ever shown her your family budget? Have you ever had her actually do work to earn money?

Have you all volunteered at a food pantry, a women's shelter?

Have her sit down at the computer and figure out how much an iPhone costs and how much the monthly amount would cost x 12 months...tell her you would love for her to have an iPhone, so she needs to figure out how she is going to purchase it herself.

It's perfectly normal to want what you don't have. I think it's a part of human nature. The good lesson of wanting something is learning that hard work and saving your money can enable you to get what you want.

Which is what we focus on in our family. Regarding phones, we have told our kids point blank that we will never ever buy them Apple Products. If they want them, they will have to save their money and buy it themselves. I've heard the argument from my kids, "Well, Sally has this and I want it too!" We say, "So what? That isn't our business. And just because Sally gets something doesn't mean that you do too." But we've always been this way.

Our oldest daughter did receive a phone when she was 13 (she'll be 15 in February). It was a Samsung Galaxy. We included her on our data plan. But, she has to keep on the honor roll and do her chores around the house to keep the phone. She has kept up her bargain. When our kids want something, they save their money or they put it on their Christmas wish list.

I would have said the EXACT same thing.
No iphone for her....she will be just fine.
L.

My son has an iPhone.

It cost $1

It has parental controls

____________

There will ALWAYS be something other kids have, that ours don't, that they want.

High-tops. Phones. Jet packs. Whatever.

To me, being mad at the school is pointless... Since this (jealousy) happens at very strict private schools (with uniforms, and nothing allowed on campus except books)..

So.... How do you handle jealousy in other arenas?

Amanda,

I am right there with you. My GD is also 10 and she has no need for a phone. Heck, I don't have even a cell phone. Probably the ONLY adult in this country without one. But WHY do I want to answer the phone when I'm shopping or at a restaurant or anywhere else? I DON'T.

Anyway, I digress. I believe you did the right thing - remind her of all the things she has that others don't. If the attitude continues, have her go to a homeless shelter and help serve a meal. When she actually SEES all the children who live there who are lucky just to have clothes on their backs, she will probably come away with an attitude of extreme gratitude!

But don't be too hard on her - it's natural to want to have what "everybody" else has. And like you, I also do not think that the school should allow these electronics at school on any day. Once the high school kids or the bad elements that just hang out on the streets realize that these little guys are carrying expensive electronics, they become victims!

Why does a 10 year need an IPhone? Ugh.

The reason you have kids with several hundred dollar phones is because it's easier to say "yes" than "no". It's because we live in a materialistic & superficial society. Notice the general sense of entitlement among modern day kids, and even adults?

Your kid already has more than enough. I think if a kid continues to show signs of being ungrateful, a visit to the soup kitchen, or confiscation of any gadgets they already have, might need to happen. Because, yes, that's how I roll.

I think the "things dont' make you a good person", or "things don't make a person happy" conversation might need to happen, as well.

I cannot believe that the school encourages kids to bring such expensive items to school, let alone the effect it has on the less fortunate kids. As if being a young person wasn't hard enough. I would be complaining about this practice.

My SD got a first phone at 10. She didn't need it and it was a nightmare (her mom bought it). My SS got his first phone at 13 or 14 and was responsible about it. I do not think a 10 yr old needs ANY phone, let alone one with a data plan (does she realize the price on that?).

What I would tell my own DD is that she has a lot of things and she needs to show me she is responsible with what she has before she gets a phone. I don't care that "everyone" (you both know that's not true - tell her someone's 18 yr old stepdaughter doesn't have an iphone - her mom's choice, not mine) has whatever.

It may be time to look for a way to show her what she has. There's a charity called Sleeping Children Around The World. I would go to http://www.scaw.org/ or another charity site and talk to her about being grateful for her home, her clothes, her bed because some kids do not even have their own bed. Conversationally. Then I would ask her to pick a charity that speaks to her heart and the two of you donate to that cause. I think at 10 she is old enough to be reminded that she is fortunate. I used to take the sks shopping with Angel Tree lists for kids around their ages. I asked them what they would want for themselves and we bought those things for the kids. Not because I wanted to browbeat them into gratitude, but I wanted them to be reminded "hey, you have lots of stuff" and "when you give, you give good things, not just leftovers."

Kids don't know what they don't know. My SD used to think that credit cards were the same as debit cards. DH said, "Oh, no. Part of the reason I pay it all off every month is because if I don't, they charge me for using their money. See here..." and showed her a bill where he didn't pay it off. It was a lightbulb moment for her.

So take a breath, regroup, and try to show her that her First World problems are pretty small.

Also, if she's sad about something materialistic, talk to her about not putting her happiness on a thing. There will always be something newer, better, faster and someone else will always have what she wants. She can't always be with the crowd and having a newer, faster, shinier thing doesn't make anyone a better person. I would rather my child learn to be giving and kind than be greedy and selfish. I realize that it's human nature to want more but is it healthy to have that attitude?

(And I do have a smartphone, but it is not an iPhone and I have the minimum data plan. My DH wanted to upgrade so we both did. For years all I had was a flip phone. Not even all adults have smartphones of any shape.)

I'm with ya! I am 31 years old; college graduate; our household income is in the top 5% of American households. I don't have an iPhone because I still can't justify the expense to myself. We had a Wii but it broke, and I won't replace it because my kids have too much stuff and didn't appreciate the Wii enough to take care of it. We don't have a Blu-Ray player, no working DVD player, no swingset in our backyard, no trampoline, no big swimming pool, no vacation home, not even a dog, and my kids complain too, but I'm not giving in. My kids have plenty of other things, and I grew up poor. Even as a poor kid, I had more than 90% of the children in the world.

ETA: I somehow missed your suggestion that schools should not even allow students to bring these types of luxury items to school, but I don't agree with that sentiment. There will always be a way to separate the haves from the have nots, and our job as parents is to teach our children to treat everyone as equals, regardless of what they have or don't have, and what others have or don't have.

The true cost of an i-phone is anywhere between $1500 and $3000 over the first two years depending on what plan you choose.
I would suggest that you two sit down together and calculate what her i-phone would cost her: the cost for the phone, the cost for the plan, accessories, etc. and then ask her how she intends to pay for it.
Also show her what else she could do with that amount of money: from putting it in her college savings to buying enough food or medicine for a family in a developing country to survive for a year...
Perfect time for some lessons on what are "needs" and "wants".

How she behaved is totally normal -- but "normal" doesn't mean it's right or OK. As another commenter said, it's human nature to want what we don't have. If not, none of us would go to college & do the work to get a degree so that we can get a better job. No one would save for vacation or a new home or whatever. And the average 10-year old is not yet mature enough to relate wanting with working to get something -- but it's an excellent lesson to teach.

Set clear guidelines about when she'll reach milestones -- whether it's a phone or getting her ears pierced or going out with friends without an adult or whatever. Be very clear what age and what you need to see in her -- and then stick to it. I agree that it's not all about the money or cost of something but that she should understand the value of a dollar.

When my kids were younger and we would go on vacation or a big outing they used to constantly beg for treats. We finally figured out that, if we set a limit beforehand, our lives were much easier. Sometimes, we said clearly up front "girls, today we'll have fun but we're not buying anything." Sometimes, it was "Here's your vacation money. If you want an ice cream or a t-shirt or whatever, you still need to check with us for an OK to have it, but it's got to come from this money. Once it's gone, it's gone." It didn't totally erase the "but I want it" but it really REALLY lessened it.

Same thing here. Kids are kids. She needs to know what the limits are. You need to be clear and consistent. She'll still on occasion try to see if you'll move them. Don't. Just don't. If possible, try & help her learn that her own hard work and good habits will help her get where she wants to go. If that's not possible (because, really, your 10 yo isn't going to get an iPhone!), help her learn patience and appreciation.

Hang in, mama. She's being normal. You stick to your guns.

FWIW -- my 19 & 20 year old daughters both would love iPhones but they know that the on-going data plan costs aren't in our budget and they've learned to be thankful for what they have. But they're 19 & 20, not 10. It takes a while...

She's a kid, and kids always want what others have and what is new. I wouldn't take it personal, it doesn't mean she does appreciate what she has, it means she is a kid.

I agree with no cell phone at that age, my younger ones are counting the minutes until they can get phones. I have 4 older adult children still in the home so for them it's not just everyone else who has them, but siblings. Hell, by the time they get phones all there will be is smart phones so their day is coming.

You just stick to your guns and do what feels right for you. i have let mine take gadgets to school, and had it stolen. We did get it back though since I had wrote all our information inside the battery cover. they learned a lesson and never took it back.

Well, your 10 year old has a lot more than my 10 year old, and I completely agree with you. Unless there are times where they are completely without a responsible adult (which happens for some 10 year olds) I think it is too young for a phone, and I also would not want her taking anything like that to school. Our school is pretty sensitive to families who are in need, so they discourage things like this. But my daughter's frenemy just got elected to student council on the platform of having a technology day where all the kids would bring their ipods, phones, ipads, ds's, etc. to school. My daughter was all for it until I pointed out that she doesn't have any of those things. The frenemy's position was that the kids who didn't have those things could share the 4 computers each classroom has. I pointed out to my daughter, again, how divisive that would be -- how it would point out the who has from the who hasn't. It changed her mind quickly, not because she doesn't have those things (she was okay with using the computer) but because of the social repercussions. I know this frenemy has asked during a sleepover for an inventory of electronic devices each of her friends has -- for her 9th birthday, she got an ipad, an ipod, and a macbook pro.

I could afford to give my kids a ton of electronics, but that's not where our values are. You know that it isn't true that everyone at school has iPhones, but you also know it's her job to push. Stay strong and use this teachable moment. I went without a lot of things when I was younger, and I am so much better for it.

Please don't give in to the "everybody has it/everybody does it" line.

It's typical for a child to try out that sort of thing, but you don't have to listen to it. She didn't get you to agree earlier, so this morning she pulls the "You're SOOOO mean" act to make you feel bad. I don't know if she listened to your response; there's nothing wrong with saying the things you said, but not in a lecturing tone. Lecturing doesn't get too far. A sense of humor might do better as you keep saying, "No."

You could let your daughter know, if she brings it up, that it has nothing to do with money. There are other reasons for doing and not doing things. Many, many other things will come up that "everybody does" and you'll say, "Everybody won't include you." (You KNOW, of course, that not *everybody* at school has a phone or anything else that's "in." "Everybody" could mean three kids.)

And, yes, children are basically ungrateful. It takes years for them to start appreciating what and who they have. Hang in there.

There's no way a 10 year old needs an iPhone or any phone that is better than mine. :)

Stand your ground, and teach her that 9 times out of 10, the parents of the kids who have these iPhones are probably in debt out of their wazoo, and that you don't choose to live in that situation just to appease her. Tough lesson, but it will hit home one day when she's older and can refrain from putting some impulse buy on a credit card when she can't truly afford it. I know for a fact several of my friends are thousands of dollars in debt because they and their kids get the latest greatest of EVERYTHING - cars, toys, furniture.... It's insane.

You're not alone in your stance! Good luck!

Kids are kids and they are always going to want what their friends/classmates have. And unfortunately we as parents are going to have to deal with the complaints. I imagine this has been going on since the beginning of time just in different ways. I would try to remember that she is a child and it just comes with parenting a child.

I will not be purchasing my 10 year old a phone nor do I allow them at that age to take expensive items to school. (So you aren't alone) Your daughter will just eventually have to respect your rules and you'll just have to try to accept the complaints and move on. Just remember she is a kid...eventually she'll get it.

I totally understand where you are coming from!

There will always be kids who have parents who can afford (and are willing!) to buy them the latest and greatest in technology.

It's hard not to get angry at your kids for wanting these things, but I try my best not to get too mad when my daughter "gets sad" because she doesn't have the latest-and-greatest. It's just normal to want something. Heck, I want a bigger house and a nice car.

It's not a crime to WANT something. So be sure to let your daughter know it's perfectly normal to WANT something. It's just being a human. We want stuff!

But it's not okay to be ungrateful, or to make the people who are working hard in your life feel bad because they can't afford or don't want to buy you something.

Be sure to validate the feeling of wanting. It's okay to want. It's just how you handle it that matters.

My daughter has a LOT of nice things. She was the first of her friends to get a phone (it was a 4 button phone that only dialed 4 pre-programmed numbers) and she got a phone because she'd go to her mother's house and sometimes she felt unsafe so she had a phone so she could call us at any time. (It's a sad day when you send your SD to her mom's house and you have to worry about her safety but there's nothing you can do).

She has an iTouch. It's the older model so there's no camera attached. Some of her friends have a camera on their iTouch and she got sad because she didn't have a camera on her iTouch. I wanted to get mad and FREAK OUT because we had to get her an older model iTouch because we couldn't AFFORD to get her the newer model and she was lucky that she got ANYTHING!

But instead I let her know that it's okay to WANT something. But it's not okay to make us feel bad in any way because we worked HARD to afford the iTouch she got. I didn't yell, I didn't freak out.

She actually felt BAD about how she acted. I think if I had yelled she would have just ignored it or refused to LOOK. But because I was both understanding and disappointed, she felt bad.

My SD is only 11, so she still doesn't have much of a concept of money. But she's much better about asking for expensive things or whining about them.

Good luck! Sometimes your child won't understand how good you were to them until they grow up. I look back and see how much my parents sacrificed for me, and I wish I would have been a little more grateful at the time. I think we all do.

Um, and the kids at school can see her Wii, DS, computer? Nope, and to a kid what is seen at school is their world so don't put ungrateful on her, she is grateful.

I'm kinda chuckling because my 11 yr old just went on and on and ON this AM right before school about wanting to bring her iPod touch to school like EVERYONE else. It's hard not to get mad so I totally hear you on this. I was tired and I just said no, no and no. And I also told her that I don't care what everyone else does. We do what we want to do in our household, we aren't followers, we are leaders. She said, well I want to be a follower! No giving in here- even at 6:45 in the morning :)

If we say yes to all of their requests they will be the most spoiled and bored little creatures on the face of this planet. Oh and then she asked for an iPhone for the umpteenth time and then wanted to know if she ever did get a phone would she be allowed to take it to school. I don't even like to think that far ahead because she chooses to break our iPod rules and then it gets taken away.

She also wants to save up for an iPad. I told her for $500 you could start saving up for college. Then she wails, I'm not going to college!...lol It's tough but I think you did the right thing. And I'm learning that if they say how much they hate me or call me duragatory names behind my back I must be doing something right.

One thing I've been doing lately is asking the girls, do you know how much that costs? On the way to school my 9 yr old told me her friend had all the gadgets, iPhone, iPad, iPod etc. So I told her the approximate price of each item. She said, "wow, that's a lot of money, mom."

The other thing is I like the love and logic approach. (You can google this) If you engage in a lot of discussing and arguing back and forth it can get exhausting. Example: my daughter is trying to wear me down so that I'll give her the iPod back. But I just respond with, hmmm. Or I tell her, it's a bummer you broke the rules. Maybe when you get your iPod back you'll make better choices.

Lastly, the kids get to use an iPad in school and my 11 yr old will come home and say, it's not fair, I want an iPad. They even have them at school. I'll turn it into a postive and say, wow, that's great! I bet that's a lot of fun to be able to use the iPad at school.

HTH & good luck!

In kid world, if more than one kid has something then "everyone" has it.
She's young, she doesn't get it yet. She probably won't appreciate what she has for many years. Hell, even a lot of adults don't appreciate what they have!
I know it's extremely annoying, frustrating and yes it can be hurtful, but try not to take it personally. This is one of the unpleasant parts of parenting: saying no and setting limits. It gets harder when they're teens, so settle in, you've got several years ahead of you to hear about "everyone's" new car, fancy house, designer clothes, over the top birthday parties and late curfews.
Sure, some parents seem to enjoy blowing a lot of cash on their kids, but it doesn't really get to me because that's THEIR business. I decide what to buy and how much to spend on my family, and my kids know I don't care about everyone else, only them.
I think if you have that attitude it will be easier to dismiss your daughter's unrealistic and emotional expectations.

I wouldn't get angry at her, she's just a kid. They are known to test your limits.
If this was an argument between my daughter and I, I would laugh at her, and let her know this is a great example on how life just isn't fair!
I don't even have an iPhone, let alone a data plan. Why on earth does a 10 year old need one?
We have a family iPad, that would never go to school!
If parents are ok with that for their kids, more power to them, but that's not happening here.
When my daughter is old enough, I have an old phone she can have, and it would cost us $10 a month to add her to our plan. If she wants a data plan and an iPhone, I suggest she get a job. :)

Hi Amanda,

My 10 year old children (boy and girl) don't have a phone of any kind. My daughter seems highly interested in getting one, though. (yes.... she has said some of her friends have an iphone, ipod, etc... ) Mine have a DS (old ones... they may use their OWN money to buy a new one or an ipod soon) and a Wii that they only got a year or two ago. They use my lap top, but would love their own.

I'd suggest SHOWING your daughter that maybe the kids at her school own an iphone, YET MANY MANY children do not. I would look into organizations where children are involved such as feed my starving children; Here's the link: http://www.fmsc.org/page.aspx?pid=453

I'd suggest taking your daughter there to help out. I did with my daughter and boy it is shocking to hear the sad numbers of children who are dying because they don't have enough food and clean water to drink. After a short video on this topic, the group of volunteers (my daughter and I plus 20 or so others..... our group was kids and parents) goes to the food station. Here, you scoop and measure food. Then you box the food and it gets sent to countries that are in need. It really was an eye opener and I think the kids who were involved really got to see just how lucky they are that they have food on the table every day, clean clothes to wear, a house, etc... I think it helped them realize a lot of the other stuff is unecessary in life. (I know a phone can be necessary for a kid, but all the "bells and whistles" is NOT.) Gee.... I myself have a simple phone with no data on it.

I have to "run". I hope this helps, though. I'm sorry if others have already given this idea. I don't have time to read all of your responses.
J.

It is not a big deal.
By now, at her age, she SHOULD be able to understand why, and why you say no.
My kids are 6 and 9.... if they want something that is off budget or off my radar... I say no. I don't let them make me feel bad about it.
And I will tell them "Mommy doesn't have money for that..." or I tell them "Mommy, doesn't even buy myself a treat today, so no... you cannot have one today..." etc.
My kids get it.
They have friends that have iPhones. So what.
BUT the school does not allow them to play with their gadgets at school. No way.

The other problem you have is, that the school lets the kids bring all of those gadgets to school and use it.
So, ASK THEM, about the kids who have nothing... how the heck is that explained by the Staff or Principal or Teacher?

You are correct in your judgement-children don't need an expensive phone at school-especially one that gives them access to the internet. The school needs to ban these.
She doesn't mean to be ungrateful-she is still learning what it means to be grateful-gratitude is learned, just like compassion, integrity, and respect-keep up with the fine work you are doing and don't back down-this is your chance right now to be a parent-someday, she will be grateful for the decisions that you made for her, the guidance that you gave and the protection that you made available for her safety and well-being.

Totally completely agree with Riley J. In high school a student might drive a new luxury car to school. Should luxury cars be banned because some students drive beaters?

I had a cell phone before high school. My 10 year old has a cell phone. Not an expensive cell phone. Her friends think its cute and want one too. Her friends have every electronic you can imagine. I'm not interested in crushing my kid's hopes and dreams simply because I don't want her to have an iphone. Yet I tell my child wanting is ok, like other moms said, but I'm not going to allow other electronics at school. I'm not jealous or angry about others providing kids with ipads/ipods/iphones. So I teach my child to be appreciative of what she has, wish/hope/dream and then work for what she wants. She knows my favorite word is no and I will not get her things to compete with other families and I will get her some things when I feel they are age appropriate. A phone for her to text me in an emergency is appropriate. An iphone is for an older responsible teen with a job.

I have no problem with limited + supervised use of these electronics for educational purposes at school.

I think you should stick to your guns. It's up to you to decide when is the right time to allow your child to get a phone. My 9 yo daughter has been asking for one for almost two years. That's crazy! She doesn't even talk on the phone (at home)! We did allow her to get an ipod touch for her birthday this year. The request for a phone went down DRAMATICALLY! I think the phone want was due to 1) playing games and 2) texting. She can text from her ipod for free. The catch...it has to be somewhere she can pick up a wifi signal. SO mostly she texts from home, where I can monitor what is being said and to whom. (Not that I have had any worries w/that yet! The texts are so mundane!) It doesn't work too many other places. It saves me my phone from always being dead b/c she was always playing on it. She does not know the password to download any apps for the ipod, so I have to see everyone before she can download. She is also only allowed to download for free. If she wants music, same thing, and she has to earn the money to buy a song. It is starting to teach her responsibility, and budgeting.It also stays down stairs when she goes to bed. Having said all that, I did tell her she could get a phone if she makes honor roll all four periods at school this year. Not sure that was my best deal ever made! She will make it for the first, and is having a great year! (Good, but well, maybe bad?!) By that time she will be almost 10. She is responsible w/her ipod, so I guess a cheap (NOT an iphone!) phone may be coming! If it does it will be strictly monitored. They are not allowed to take such items to school, but a lot of kids do. She is involved in many activities so I guess it will be nice to have a connection to her. I like the idea of a pre paid so she has to earn the money for the time, but we will have to see. It is prob. cheaper to add her to our plan. In the beginning it was all she wanted to do, but the initial 'novelty' has worn off, and it is at a respectable level now!

i think its crazyness that all these kids so young have phones these days.. i didnt get a cell phone until i was a sophmore in highschool.. it was one of the origional nokias..that thing was like a brick lol .. but even back then it was the same.. there were the kids that had them and some that didnt.. as time went on most did and then there were the kids that were like "its not fair i dont have a cellphone" .. i dont even have an iphone.. my phone doesnt even have internet access, kinda crazy that a 10yr old can have a better phone than i do

I would have reacted the same way you did. Her comment would also strike me us ungrateful, but that's the way kids are. I would just continue to repeat your own "party line" - in my house, my kids repeatedly hear things like "you can have a phone when I say so and not before age 13. You will certainly not have nicer electronics than dad and I have, and we have 3 year old BlackBerries so good luck with that" and "that's great that your friends have gadgets, we choose to spend our money differently" and "if you continue to compare us to your friends you will be sorely disappointed." We market ourselves to the kids as "The House Of Disappointment" (which I stole from another family).

Do you have the opportunity to help a family in need during the holiday season? My kids get a nice reality check every year when we go to a place where we "shop" in a warehouse for a needy family, choosing gifts and wrapping them. For the younger kids, I explain that Santa really only brings a couple of small things and that in most families, the parents buy extra things to put under the tree so we're giving the things that the parents can't afford. The older kids understand the real deal and realize pretty quickly that compared to kids who are getting things like a winter coat, clothes, socks, underwear, hats and gloves, bedding and a few toys or low-end electronics for holiday gifts, they've got life pretty good. It's a humbling experience for everyone - maybe if you can seek out a chance like this to have her help another child in need it will make more of an impression than just hearing it from you.

I would also approach the school about bringing in electronics. To me, this is an unnecessary practice. Kids should not be bringing expensive electronics to school, period.

Our son thought he was the last kid in middle school to get a phone. We waited until he was in 8th grade. He got it for his 14th birthday. Prior to that, he and his younger sister shared a trac phone. However, it got to the point where he was too embarrassed to take that one, so mostly, he went without. After we bought a regular cell phone for him, we realized how convenient it was for US. His younger sister got one when Christmas rolled around. (It hardly cost more for us to put her on our plan than to pay for the time on the trac phone.) Our neighbor calls it "the electronic leash". It's nice knowing we can always get in touch with our kids if we need them.

That said, my kids are now teens, and neither of them have iphones. Heck, I didn't have one until I was past 50 - and I have a job!! We could afford it, but don't think our kids need access to the internet at every waking moment. It's both a danger and a distraction they don't need. Perhaps when they go to college, we'll get them one.

It's hard to teach your kids to be appreciative when we are in a society where someone always has more. Some times a lot more. We are in a somewhat affluent school district. When I chaperoned a middle school field trip a few years ago, I was really stunned at the number of kids with iphones. Our son's best friend's dad is an oncologist. My daughter has some very good friends with parents who are doctors as well. Though we aren't poor, my kids will never have what the oncologist's kids will have. That's just reality. My daughter also has a close friend whose family struggles to pay for anything but the necessities. All through life your child will encounter those who have much more, and those who have much less. We teach our kids to respect and enjoy people for who they are and not what they have. It's not always easy, but it's what's right.

It won't get any better/easier. Our oldest is now 16 and you should see what kind of cars some of these young kids drive. You're on the right track though. It's up to the parents to decide what's best for their kids.

All that said...I can tell you...texting is the way their generation communicates. Our kids rarely get phone calls, but they quite often text their friends. I think 10 is on the young side for a phone, and no 10 year old needs an iphone, but you may want to keep it (a phone, NOT an iphone) on your radar for the future for her to keep in touch with her friends/classmates.

I refuse to get an iphone for my 10 year old son also. when he first told me "everyone" has them I thought he was exaggerating. Then I see kids walking home talking on them! He has a DS & lots of other gadgets. I refuse to get him a iphone till he is well into his teens. My reasons: I do not want him having that amount of privacy in conversations. I plan on being in his business for as long as possible. When I was a kid we had one house phone in the kitchen & my mom was always right there so she knew what was going on! 2) It's an unnecessary expense. 3) I want to be able to follow & control his internet acess(his buddy has shown him some stuff at his house not appropriate) I think that phone can lead to more privacy than I am willing to allow a 10 year old. That being said, I do have a pay as you go phone I give him to use only when he is going to play in the park so I can reach him or he can cal me. All it's good for is a phone call.
Why a kid under 16- 17 needs an iphone is beyond me, & even at that age they had better be paying for it themselves:)

I think I was like that at her age... Yuk. But by my teens, I'd gotten way better. My parents stuck with the "lots of people who have fancy things are in debt. We're not like that." and that's stuck with me till today. And they were right! An Iphone isn't goign to put you into debt but it's part of the big picture. I know it's hard to not get mad given all you do for your daughter but like people have said, it's part of being a parent. Sucks but I think most kids are like this. In a way, must be the case given I hear that kids in really poor areas still have crazy expensive sneakers etc. I assume those kids are begging their literally broke parents for things they absolutely can't afford. Maybe that's a good example to give her. Tell her these parents can't afford to pay for their own housing or food yet spend on stupid things like fancy sneakers. Eventually she'll "get it." And I agree an Iphone at 10 is absurd!!! Kids around us I don't think have that and if they do, pretty sure they can't bring them to school. Our friends are giving their 7 and 8 year olds their old iphones. Not hooked to the internet but I guess for games and stuff. I thnk even that's ridiculous. And I'm a bit annoyed bc my kids will start asking for them too. We do have old iphones but no way are my kids going to be carryign them around playing games. Just seems crazy to me. They're expensive devices for little kids to have. What does it leave them to look forward to? It makes me so mad I think my kids will know not to push it. My dad had a good way of acting disgusted with certain things and that deterred me. I'm trying to carry on that tradition.

Stick to your guns-you are doing the absolute right thing. No 10 yo needs a phone-let alone a $200 phone. And I cannot deal with these parents who say "my child has to be able to reach me so needs a phone." This holds true to only a small percentage of kids. Thie kids I know who have phones only use them to text eachother...their parents are so helicopter that they would never forget their little precious's at practice.
I also want to add that the amount of depression in well-to-do children is through the roof-unprecedented and unexplainable but for the fact that they are given so much that there is no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction. This book does a great job of detailing this trend:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Price-Privilege-Generation-Disc...

My son is convinced that we are the meanest parents in the world because we won't allow him to have a tv in his room. He has a phone, (not an IPhone, I don't have an IPhone!!) a DS, we have an X-Box, etc. What we tell him is that we are only the parents of 2 children, so we only get those 2 children to be mean to!! "I'm not "James'" Mom, so I can't keep the tv out of his room, but I can keep it out of yours." There will always be something they think they are missing out on. I usually start listing the names of kids that I know, "does "John" have ..., does "Claire" have ..., it usually turns out that it's only 1 or 2 kids that actually have the desire item or privilege.

M

My son learned early on that the minute he tries the 'everyone else has one' whine, he instantly loses any point he was trying to make.
If he slipped into 'give me / get me / buy me' mode I told him he should have chosen to be born to richer parents.
Sure - I'd absolutely LOVE to win a huge lottery, pay off the mortgage, and retire instantly - but I don't get everything I want - and I have to live with and be content with that.
Just like everyone else.

Our schools do not allow any electronics to be brought to elementary school at all.
In middle/high school, they are just now allowing e-readers and phones are permitted to be stored in lockers powered down during the day so kids can carry the phone to after school activities but student use on school property or at school events is prohibited and phones are confiscated and must be retrieved from the principal by the parent.

Start talking with your daughter about how much things cost.
If items are lost/stolen/broken - do not replace them right away and have her save up a portion of the cost of replacing it.