Is it unusual for a child to suddenly refuse to stay with grandparents/others? My daughter recently turned five. For the past couple of months she insists that she doesn’t want to visit with either set of grandparents or even my sister (she normally loves being with her). She’s happy to go if my husband and I remain with her but she doesn’t want to stay with them by herself. She is fine being dropped off at daycare and is excited about going to kindergarten later this year. Is this a normal thing for children to go through? Should we insist or wait for this behavior to resolve itself.
Thanks to everyone for their responses. It eased my mind more than you realize. We didn’t force the issue and she was content to spend the weekend with us. I have asked, she simply can’t tell me why she doesn’t want to go but then she’s always been one to suffer from a bit of separation anxiety. Her grandmother is extremely hard of hearing so I think she gets frustrated with her from time to time. I’m going to wait this stage out and not make mountains out of molehills.
She must've recently had an experience of separation anxiety (like you left her somewhere and for some reason she got afraid you weren't coming back, or something happened that upset her and you didn't get back soon enough). If this is the case, it'll just take time to rebuild her trust. Hang in there!
My experience is if you push a child into something they really don't want to do then it will backfire. She is only 5 and about to leave you for school. She has no idea what is going to happen or when as little ones are still developing their concept of time. I wouldn't push it.
Do you have some books on starting school? I know there are so may out there.
You may want to talk to her about it and find out if she had a negative experience that she hasn't told you about.
Hi R. C,I may be making a false assumption here,but this does NOT sound normal.When you are there with her,she's seemingly o.k. Maybe cause she feels safer.I hope this isn't somethimg amiss sexually.Kids usually WILL NOT tell anyone,even if it's going on.They are afraid and will act out,but will not tell.Been there,done that.I was in my 20's before I could reveal this to my mom.The mind has a way of tucking it back so far,you can't bear to deal with it.I hope this is not what's happening--- JMHO.Just made a red flag go up when I was listening to your post.God Bless...S. L.
Hi R.,
My son, who is now 9 yrs old, would stay with anyone either. It started at the age of 4. He stayed with my mother almost every weekend and all of a sudden, it was like he was going through seperation anxiety, he wouldn't stay with anyone. I really didn't worry about it to much and he wanted to spend the night with my dad this week and he called me after the 1st night and wanted to stay another night. This happened for the 1st time since he was 4 yrs. old. So I believe that it is just a phase that some kids go through and I do believe that it will get better. Just hang in there and explain to your loved ones that this is just a phase and reassure them that it's not them. I hope that I could help you a little bit anyway. May God Bless!
M. McCraw
Hi R.
I would listen to your daughters cues, after all, you and your husband are her advocates. She may be "saying" something to you. For some reason she feels uncomfortable. It may just be that she feels most comfortable being around just you and your husband. This may be a phase so just wait it out. If there is a fear of something at your parents house or your parents themselves (just putting it out there- I know that I don't know them). Your daughter trusts you/husband - try to be her advocate.
Good luck
P.
my daughter went through that and still does sometimes. At around 4 1/2 she refused to go to the GP's and it lasted for a few months then things went back to normal. Then a few months later it happened again, she didn't want to go and be dropped off then a few months later she was ok with it. She just turned 6 and goes back and forth on whether she wants to go over or not. Usually she loves it, but sometime she just wants to be with me or stay home. It's just a phase.
sounds like something happened when she was there. ask your parents. or just ask he why she doesnt want to go. dont force it she might just be going through some separation anxiety.
My son went through a phase like that when he was around that age. They have a lot on their minds right now. She is getting ready to start Kindergarten and how scarey that is for some children. Who knows why they go through these phases where they just want to stay home with mom and dad. They just do. I think it's very normal for children to go through this. Be prepared because it's short lived. Once she gets in school she will have friends and will want to have sleep-overs and go to sleep-overs. I wouldn't worry about it. I think there are probably some hidden anxieties she's experiencing that she just can't articulate to you and dad and she will work them out. By the way, have you asked her why she doesn't want to stay? She may tell you if you ask.
I wouldnt just brush this off. There may have been something that happened while she was in the care of another person that has made her not trust others outside her parents. This could have even been someone visiting at your sisters house, etc. Feeling safe, at any age, is important and you need to find out what happened to make this trust go away.
R.,
Red flags pop up with your word, "suddenly". Yes, it's normal for 5 year olds to go through stages of feeling insecure without mom and dad around, especially without the presense of other kids for back up. Age 4 is known to be a year of intense associacation with peers, so much so that if there aren't other kids present, she could be feeling 'lost'. You didn't mention if your sister has kids your daughter is comfortable with. I know you just need to get out from time to time, but as a mom, I would be sensitive to your daughter's feelings at this time. If it's just a phase, she may calm down as quickly as you perceive she came into this. If something bad has happened with an adult in her life (and I pray that isn't the case!), she also may be manifesting that into all the adults in her life she has trusted in the past. Stay open to dialog with her, so that she can tell you what she's afraid of eventually (hopefully). In the mean time, exercising understanding and protection in response to her fear seems the safest thing. Maybe for now, you can look for trustworthy friends with kids her age for babysitting.
Maybe you have tried this, but here is my suggestion. With daycare and kindergarten there is a drop off time and a pick up time. Even though she may not completely understand the concept of telling time on a clock, some kids like to know "the plan". Give her a watch and let her know when the little hand gets to-insert time-mommy and daddy will be back. Or maybe give her a comparison like "we will be gone as long as 2 Sesame Streets". Just knowing that there is a an end to the visit might help. I have 5 children, and my 8 year old has to know the "schedule" for everything.
It is very normal and there are a multitude of reasons why she might not want to from thinking you will be having fun without her to grandma said something cross to her and she is a little hurt by this. I wouldn't force her, but more interaction while you are there may help
Since your daughter is 5 and can articulate, I would try to talk to her to see if you can get to the bottom of it. Ask her what they do when she's there, what kind of games they play, etc. Maybe this will shed some light on her 5yo rationale!
