Daughter Doesn't Want Friends

Hi J.,

I suspect your daughter desperately wants friends but has been hurt and abandoned so many times, that there is a part of her who no longer trusts that people who she forms bonds with, will actually stay in her life. She has witnessed so much in her 15 years in addition to dealing with her own illness, and she might be feeling really alone in the world (not to mention teenage hormones kicking in). I think as a mother, you are an amazing woman doing a fantastic job of showing her how much you love her, trying to keep her connected to people and really dedicating yourself to her overall well-being. You mentioned you saw two counselors but I'm wondering if you just haven't found the right one. It seems to me you need to find a really talented and skilled therapist who can work with your daughter and help her work through what has happened in her life over the last several years. She likely has a lot of painful feelings that need to come out...

Hang in there,
R.

I think you've all been through a lot in the last 3 years. It's going to take some time to build up some trust in people again. Rather than focusing on friends up front, how about finding an interesting hobby then gradually work in people who have similar interests. It's sort of a back door approach to friends. The hobby could be anything - painting, drawing, photography, sculpting, sewing/knitting, beading, scrap booking, stained glass crafting, etc. Whatever it is, it has to be something your daughter wants to do and be involved in. Once a hobby is established, sharing information with other people involved with the same hobby is a natural extension, and she will definitely have something in common with them.

J.-

What an amazing story of adversity and triumph. I hope the heartache is all a distant memory in the near future for both you and your daughter.

Just like you turned to Mamapedia for advice, I'm guessing there's an online community that has children with similar stories who are eager to share and to support one another. I know there were several when I was going through chemo and didn't have a local support group available because of the rarity of the kind of cancer.

I also wonder if getting involved with either an extracurricular activity (sport, music, dance, church) would help expose her to other kids who are more supportive.
When adversity happens, we learn very quickly who are friends are and who they are not. I'm sorry she had to learn the hard way.

I wish you all well in getting past this difficult time in your lives and hope the adversity will inspire you moving forward.
Best wishes.

You said you've seen 2 counselors about this. Are you still seeing anyone? If not you need too ASAP!! That is sooooo much for a child to go through and she's got to get help. This is more than anyone can help you with, it needs to be professional help. Even if she says she won't talk to them, keep pursuing it, she will eventually when she learns she can trust them because obviously trust is a big issue here, everyone she has ever been close to (friends, her dad) have left her and now she feels she can't get close to anyone because they'll leave her as well. Goodluck, this is something that's not going to get fixed over a short time, this is going to take years for her to get better.

I had a significant abandonment when I was 8, and at 62, I still feel uncertain about forming relationships (though when I do, they tend to be deep). And I was nowhere near as traumatized as your daughter must be. I have tender feelings for her emotional situation.

One thought that comes to me is that your daughter might be naturally introverted anyway, and would not have much interest in socializing even if she had not had such negative experiences. I'm a pretty retiring person, and my very extroverted mother couldn't stand that I was not making lots of friends and having lots of social contacts. To her, it was just wrong.

Her constant pressure to get me out into the world was, for me, a painful experience. Not only was I forced to use my valuable time and creative energy doing things I didn't like (clubs, parties, ice-cream socials, choir, etc.), but I was left with the distinct understanding that the "real" me just wasn't good enough.

I agree with the moms who suggest supporting your daughter's interests, and perhaps finding an online group or two that might allow her to initiate contact with others of similar interests at a level that she finds comfortable. This may be very little, at first. But if she can find some pleasure in a little contact, without being pushed faster than is comfortable for her, she'll have a good start that she can build on when she's ready.

I also wonder what the outcome of her earlier counseling experience was. If she got any benefit at all, and you can afford it, it seems ongoing counseling might give her one more way to gradually build trust in another caring person.

You both are incredibly strong women! Major kudos for overcoming such adversity. I echo what the other moms said and would like to add that your daughter sounds like she's not ready to make friends. Keep her in counseling - keep having those teen groups and say that she has to attend and be pleasant, but doesn't have to participate. Although, she can leave her lap top and headphones at home. She can learn to be social and make small talk. And tell her that you know she's been through more than the average teen, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have anything in common with them. Music, books, movies? Baby steps. Best of luck to the both of you.