Daughter-in-law Issues

Updated on September 05, 2012
S.H. asks from Nashua, NH
4 answers

My daughter-in-law considers me to be less than hospitable at our summer home because I asked that the children use the outside shower and rinse their feet before coming into the house. A few weeks ago, she had our 9 year old grandson shower inside the house although she knows my wishes and we ended up with a leak from the upstairs bathroom down into the kitchen because he did not put the liner inside the tub. I did make the comment that if he had used the outside shower it could have been prevented. The grandchildren always use the outside shower when they are with us which is 3 weeks plus weekends during the summer and they have no problem with doing so. It makes the shower scene so much easier all around. My husband and I use it all summer along with one son, whose wife refuses along with another son and his wife because they said "someone can see us." Our backyard is totall private and the shower is totally enclosed on all sides except for the top. When my DIH says it is harder for her to direct the kids (7 & 9) in the outside shower I am bemused because they go in by themselves and know how to operate the shower head, etc. Of course, someone is always in the area should there be a problem. They are quite capable and in reality makes less work for her, but somehow she doesn't see it that way.

DIH attitude has been hostile the last couple of weeks and I don't know if she is transferring and dumping on me, or what is going on, but I do not want the issue to fester so I am thinking of dropping her a note to see if we can get together to resolve the issue. She is a truly good person and I care for her deeply. I understand from other sources that she sometimes feels inept around me because I am very organized and can multi-task. She is a professional and working mother, but very organized, however, she has other special qualities.

We live an hour from each other and spend a lot of time with the children all year round. They stay with us during their school vacations and for weeks during the summer along with weekends. I purchase their wardrobes and take them to many events during the year. The children always look forward to being with us and they enjoy our times together. We are also generous towards her and my son, but yet she thinks I am hospitable even though I go out of my way to make everything easy for the family doing all the cooking, cleaning and providing very comfortable accommodations. I am at my wits end as to what more I can do. Please help!

Thanks.
S.

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More Answers

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I agree she could be jealous of your competence in areas where she doesn't feel very skilled. There could be a privacy issue with the shower - some people are just nervous that way, either from their own experience or because they are nervous that some child predator will snatch their child. It may be that she feels she needs to supervise the kids, either because she does it at home and can't believe they're getting more independent, or because she DOESN'T do it at home but feels the need to measure up while you are observing her. What she's missing is the kids' joy of using an outside shower - one of the stories kids always tell from their growing up years. It's better if everyone just says how fun the shower is. I'd put a sign up in the bathroom about putting the liner inside the shower, or just keep it inside at all times if the sign will offend. Sometimes you can find fun, whimsical signs at vacation area gift shops that list the house rules in a funny way.

When you say you buy their wardrobe, does that mean you are paying for it or that you are taking them out and doing the purchasing? The latter may mean she feels you are usurping her motherly role.

Are there ways you can compliment her? "I don't know how you do it - I'm so jealous of your professional abilities." Did you work outside the home when your kids were little? Do you understand the guilt and the multitasking she is already doing? Does she KNOW you understand? Do you ask her about her job, or do you focus exclusively on the children? When you say you are generous to her and your son, does that mean you are giving them checks? Could you consider giving her a "spoiling" day at a spa, or a series of gift certificates she can use use to restore herself from her stressful life?

Since the summer is over I'd let the shower issue go, and also talk to your son about how you can get closer to her and see how you may have inadvertently offended her. Perhaps she feels she will never be able to provide a vacation home or financial support for her future grandchildren, because they are just making ends meet on 2 salaries as it is. She may feel she'll never be the cook/cleaner that you are. I wouldn't write a note about this issue but you might write a note to both of them and say how much you enjoy having their company.

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C.M.

answers from Boston on

I'm a little on the "girlie" side and the truth is I would not want to have to shower outside under any circumstances. If my choices were between going someplace and having to shower outside or staying home, I'd prefer to stay home. You can't claim to provide "comfortable accommodations" if showering outside makes someone UNCOMFORTABLE. You may have to consider getting the upstairs bathroom leak fixed if you want to continue spending time with your grandchildren during the summers.

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C.M.

answers from Boston on

I agree with Robyn - try doing a little less, and give her the opportunity to be competent at being her children's mother. Tell her about mistakes that YOU have made in the past, and laugh about them. Don't try to prove that she is wrong about her children (aka "I am bemused") because she will sense that you are feeling smug and superior. I would not send a note right away, I'd wait until the issues have cooled off.

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

The problem might be your doing too much and making her feel uncomfortable, making her think she is not a good enough mother, you said you buy their wardrobes, maybe she feels your overstepping. And as for the shower she probably does not have a problem with it, but with everything combined. Just leave it be and give her time, maybe in a couple of days talk to her and let her know your not trying to make her feel bad about herself, you just wanna help.

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