Dark Confession

I had horrible PPD after giving birth to my second child. I was so resentful of him for taking time away from my first born, my husband, and me. Then I would feel extreme guilt for having those thoughts. I didn't bond with him at all until he was at least 8 months old or so. I still cry whenever I think about that time.

The worst part is that I didn't get any help. You are. You're doing the right thing by going to therapy, and you probably need to see your doctor about some PPD medication, too.

There is hope. Now my boys are 7 and almost 14, and both are extremely happy children. I love BOTH of them more than anything. I finally got through the PPD, and you will, too (if that's what you're going through, and it really sounds like it).

I hope you get the help you need soon. ((hugs))

First of all, you are a GREAT mom for even taking the time to write this post and ask for help. You're realizing that you need to change some things and you're doing something about it - only good moms do that, Heather. So don't think you're screwing up big time because you're not.

Secondly, how do you feel about your therapist? I'm really surpised h/she hasn't suggested taking meds b/c it sounds like you might be suffering from post partum depression and I heard meds really help with that. I've been to therapy before and it really makes a different whether the therapist is a good one or not. If you don't feel connected and understood by your therapist, you might want to shop around for a new one.

Having a 2nd child is stressful. Please don't feel guilty for how you're feeling. The most important thing is that you recognize the need to do something and that you do it - you're already on your way. I'm sending you good wishes *hug*

I'm so glad that you bravely reached out. The fact that you worry and are honest about your fears shows what a strong person and good mom you are. I do wonder about post-partum depression, probably good to at least rule out. Therapy can be hard because it makes us deal with things we tried to bury, but they never stay buried. Shining the light of day on past issues makes them be dealt with once and for all, it's painful but worth it in the end.

Please check with a doc for depression. And please find some kind of support- a parenting groups, moms day out, church group, something. You will find that you are not alone, and that this is normal and with help, will pass.

And make sure to be open with your hubby. He needs to know what is going on with you and be a support. Good luck.

I don't know if I have any advice, but I just wanted to share my experience and hopefully it'll make you feel better. My first daughter was 26 months when my second was born, and I felt the same way you did. I hate to even admit it, but while we are being honest here, I have to say, I didn't even really LIKE the baby all that much. My 2 year old was so cute and fun, and the baby just cried. I would put her in her crib and shut the door and let her scream while I read to my older one. And sometimes (gasp) I didn't even feel bad about it. It took me a year to get back into my groove. I don't know if you have a serious medical problem (I did not) so you should probably see a doctor about that. But, if you're like me, I want you to know it'll get better.

My girls are 10 and 8 now. Want to hear my dark confession? A LOT of the time, my 8 year is my favorite. I have NEVER said that to anyone before. I absolutely love both of my girls, but the younger one is just attached to me. The older one is more independent, she's already showing signs of the teen years where she won't want anything to do with me. My little one still likes to climb in bed with me on Saturday mornings to cuddle. There is no doubt that she loves ME. (sometimes I wonder with the older one) I feel like I pay attention to both of them equally, but my little one just responds to me differently. Sometimes I feel guilty about how I feel, but you know what? I can't control that emotion.

I hope you get is all figured out soon Heather. I'll be thinking about you :)

I haven't read the rest of the responses but I wanted you to know how trying a challenging baby can be. My second was so difficult from about 9 months to 2 1/2 years. She just crawled and then walked around crying and whining all day long. It was insane.
I had a very verbal, easy going first girl and the second just really threw me for a curve. I would call my husband in tears, saying awful things like "I can't stand this another minute" or "What in the bleep is wrong with her!" I was so frustrated, sad and yes mad that she was so difficult and I couldn't figure out why. I gave her such a similar babyhood as her sister but she was so very different. I was seriously worried I would not "like" her as a person, that she would grow up to be demanding and difficult.
Well, around 3 as her verbal skills really started to develop she changed. She grew into the sweetest, most loving, responsible and fun little girl. She's a natural leader with a very strong will but she knows how to use it in a positive way now.
My husband and I think she was just frustrated as a toddler. She had a hard time expressing herself and being the kid who thrives on structure and communication I think she just felt out of control. All that strong will and self expression serves her so well now.
Maybe your second born is special, maybe there is something in her personality that is so strong she just has to express herself and the only way she can right now is to scream. It sounds like you have some childhood issues to work out but don't put all the blame for losing your patience on yourself.
Remind yourself that this is temporary, with every stage of development comes deep changes. Sometimes what we see as negative, difficult and frustrating in our little ones turns into strength, intelligence or charisma.
You never know what tomorrow will bring, that's something my kids have reminded me of again and again. You are not responsible for who she is or how she acts, she is an individual and if you just keep doing the very best you can every single day you might find that little person is not who you thought they were. As the screams turn into words you might find out what she's saying is so very sweet to listen to.

You may need an antidepressant or may have an untreated underlying medical condition that is affecting your focus and energy level. You say you've tried me time, etc... ME time does not mean running errands you'd rather do without the kids. Don't give up, going from one to two is a HUGE adjustment and you just need to keep trying. Have you had a health check up recently? if not go to your primary physician and consult. Hopefully they can rule out medical conditions and consider you an antidepressant (temporarily) You are not a a bad M. for being honest with your feelings, you're on the right track to reach out for help; you just haven't hit that right combination that works for you. All the best and keep taking that me time. :)

I can't tell you exactly what to do, Heather, I just want to tell you that I understand.

Please know that this does get better. Right now, therapy is bringing up a lot of old stuff that you've sort of compartmentalized, so that you can keep going on with life and function, because that was what you needed to do at the time. I've been right where you are-- so sad and overwhelmed with long-delayed anger and grief that I have cried so hard I thought I was going to never stop crying or throw up. It is scary.

But it does lessen. As you continue to work through this with your therapist, ask them how it is that you can begin to pursue new ways of thinking. For me, this was learning about how my own brain was wired; I had a very abusive household growing up and suffered a lot of PTSD into my 30s. Having raw feelings and exposed triggers can make us feel fragile and angry and so frustrated.... However, it does get better. As we work on these things cognitively, those triggers start to lessen.

Keep talking to your doctor too, and ask to see a prescribing psychiatrist (your therapist may also be able to help you with this) to make sure any meds you are taking are working for you. If you aren't on meds, consider it.

You are a good mom to see that you aren't well and that your pain and anguish are affecting others. Know that you aren't a bad person. This happens to women from all walks of life, even women who have had plenty of love and support in their younger years. Be sure, too, that your husband is helping you with nighttime care. I know it's hard to ask for that support when they have to get up and go to work every day, however, sleep is going to be of real, tangible, help. Getting enough sleep will actually help the work you do in therapy make more of a difference, and your brain will be able to work better when you are stressed with a crying little one.

Sending you hugs~~ I know how hard some of this hurts. Therapy is a long, slow healing process. I worked with someone for nearly 10 years due to what I was needing (this person helped me through my pregnancy and the first year or so of being a mom-- I now see them on an 'as needed' basis.)
The most important thing to hold onto is that this is an investment in you, your family, and the future of your family. It's so uncomfortable in the beginning to think of it that way, but you are worth investing time, love and energy in. You can heal. Your therapist will help you be able to find ways of thinking that will help you have a more positive relationship with those you love.

Sending you hope and strength-- remember, you were strong enough to make it this far and to get help. Keep on.:)

My best friend went through the same thing with her first child. She was starting to resent how much he needed her and how much of her time he took from her. It was hard to watch, but she was able to get through it and is a great mom. One of the big things that helped her was to stop breast feeding. It really help her to not feel so tied down by him and it also enabled other people to help feed him.
Do you have a friend that could come over a few times a week to help and spend time with you or a part time job to give you your own adult time?

The big thing is to find a way to focus on the good things your child has brought to your life and try to negate the bad. I know if I get too focused on a project while the kids are around wanting attention I get very frustrated, but if I just set aside the time to do nothing but enjoy them and watch them discover new things we are all happier and I am much calmer.

Good luck and just keep believing in yourself. Things well get better. 8-)

First off, BIG HUG.

You are not alone... a lot of people feel like this. And just the fact you're worried that you're not doing your best is a good thing. You're trying.

Have you talked to your therapist about PPD? You don't have to be classically depressed to have PPD. Sometimes the hormones mess up your ability to cope and to put things in perspective. You might find that anti-depressant medicines could help you get back on track and feel more like yourself again.

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I've heard this from many mothers over the years. It's a big adjustment. Here's my recipe. Put the baby in the carriage at 10 am. She will fall asleep as you walk to the park. Play with your son at the park while she sleeps. Then walk home she will waken by 11:30 so have something handy she can suck on like a water bottle. Have a small snack for each child to tide them over. Same at 5PM so dinner prep time is smooth.
The walk will take the anger out of you and give you some relaxation. I had to be very patient with my three year olds about walking because they were very slow.
Another solution I came up with was to put the 3 year old in a morning nursery school so I could get three hours off.
You can sing songs with both of them at the same time since he's ready to sing and she will learn to be musical.
For my younger nieces and nephews and for my grandchildren I bought the classical music series Classical Kids which comes out of Canada. It begins with Beethoven Lives Upstairs. Your 3 year old will listen to each of the stories and the music with full attention.
In a year you will be over the hump with your daughter. You can read the same stories to both of them and she'll be talking if you talk to her everyday.
One more thing. Once a week go get a foot massage you will really feel ever so much better yourself. Pampering is legal for moms and very much needed.

YOu may need a new therapist and you should call your OB TODAY and get in to be seen. You sound like you may be suffering from post partum depression. (I am sure I spelled some of that wrong). You may need to get on some medication to help with that, and I am no therapist but am surprised that yours didn't think that you could have PPD.
Good luck,
L.

Have you seen a doctor about post pardem (sp) depression? It sounds like you may have some which could be unbalanced horomones, etc. I'm all for counceling but that can only go so far -- sometimes it takes more. I'll be praying for you.

Thank-you for your honesty. It takes women with courage like you to show other women that parenting can be really hard at times and we all need support.
I agree with several other ladies; try taking anti depressants for a few months. That's not the answer but it may help you to feel a little more positive and that in turn can help you to feel like you can get through this phase.
Not sure of your situation - SAHM ? or financial situation but maybe you could see out a 'mommy's helper' - a teenager after school who can come over for 2hrs a day to help take some pressure off you and in return you pay around $4/hr. Just sit with your 3yr old or entertain the baby while you clean up, make dinner, or go into a seperate room and spend time alone with your 8mth old.
It doesn't sound right that your 8mth old is crying all the time. Did she always cry a lot? could there be something physical like teething or a diet intolerance do you think?
Are there any other resources in your area for parents? We have a free PAT program in Colorado where a lady comes to your house and just listens to your concerns and provides feedback and guidance. The lady has become a close personal friend now and I look forward to her visits.

The fact you are reaching out for help and advice on his page shows you are trying to do your best as their mom. Your a good person; just going through a rough stage. It will get easier as they get older - but for now maybe you need to have a few days break.

Is there any way you can ask family or friends for help and get away for a weekend to visit a friend or just to have some time alone ? The 24hrs a day routine can drive you crazy (or it does for me anyway).

I try and sometimes fail to do the 5 second count. When you are so frustrated and annoyed stop yourself for 5 seconds. Say 'deep breath' or 'does it really matter' 5 times or whatever works for you then say what you were about to say but by then usually you can say it without anger to your tone or sarcasim.

Drop what you are doing and walk out of the room if you have to.

Get outside as much as you can. The sun on your back helps to lift your mood and burn off energy for kids. Getting out of the house helps me to not feel like it's ground hog day on a bad day!

Sometimes when I'm feeling impatient and know I'm in a bad mood I do the oppostite of what I feeling - I ask the kids for a hug and smother their face with kisses. They laugh and it can change the mood. It's hard to be angry when your child is giggling.

Try turning on some catchy music and start dancing - force yourself and see what happens.

Seek out the company of other moms in play group situations. You will see that everyone has good and bad days and that mom's of infants and especially newborns have a lot of mixed emotions.

Also remember the reasons why you were excited to have this baby. The love you feel for your first child, the pleasure your 3yr old has given you. It is possible to feel that for your 8mth old too.

When your feeling the least impatient stop for a second and think 'am I over reacting? is this really a big deal and are the kids acting up or is it me that's the issue here' and remember 'don't blink' because this age will pass and you will wish you had enjoyed it more. You have to cut yourself some slack. Your only human. We all get in bad moods, feel overwhelmed at times and need the love and support of other people.

I tried therapy for a short time to deal with issues from my abusive father and felt like I was a ticking bomb stewing over all the hurt, anger and injustice of my past. I finally 'blew up' and had the biggest ugliest confrontation with my father and honestly I feel like I can now put those issues behind me. They don't eat at me any more. The memories are still there but the hatred and anger is gone. I'm not saying this is what you should do but this is what finally worked for me.

I wish you strength and happiness.

It is possible you need medication to curb your depression. Speak with a medical doctor or psychiatrist. I hope you feel better soon.

It is harder adding a second child to the family I've heard (I had two right off the bat, so no personal experience here, lol). It sounds like you might have PPD. I would evaluate the way you are feeling against the signs of PPD and talk with your OB and counselor about it if you think you have this. It really will get better.

Have you been to a medical doc to see if you have post partum (sp?) depression? Its harder when the second comes along. I remember cutting back on a lot of the house work and let a lot of things go, just to try to keep my sanity. That really helped me. Give hubby some things to take over so you don't have to do it. Like my husband takes out the trash every day and does all our laundry (theres FIVE of us). So I never have to worry about those things. Also, theres a good book called "Raising your child, not your voice" by Cuthbertson There are times like this we all go thru, find some other moms in your area that can be a positive support for you. Meetup.com is free and you can search "stay at home moms" and see groups that meet in your local area. I hope you find some things that work for you...good luck!

I had (am still having) the reverse issue. My first born was so far beyond challenging. I was ready to never have another baby because I was terrified what I would do to our family if I was so stressed out over baby and then had more. Then we got pregnant when the older one was (HA!) 8 months old. Shock, panic, these are mild...blind terror....that's a good phrase.

Anyway, my little one is so sweet and patient and my older one is so precocious and demanding. It's such a big struggle so many days. Today, actually is one of our harder days. The little one is teething and trying to be patient while I catch up with her signals but she is in pain and gets hungry faster than usual because of the teething. The older one, meanwhile, is realizing that I pay attention to her requests and she's going through this weird scared-to-commit-to-what-she-wants phase. Super frustrating.

Long story short...you know what I did...I go away. It was actually Hubby's idea. A few nights a week, I go to the gym. I leave the cell phone in the car, turn on some tunes, or use the machines with the TVs on them and watch something my DH hates and pay zero attention to chores or babies or grocery lists. I've mentioned this to moms before and I usually get the response "oh good for you I wish I could do that" and I say it's not like that. I MUST get time to myself. I adore my children beyond all else in the world. I even like my husband pretty well. But I can't get down time at home. And I am not healthy in body or spirit when I don't get that time.

I know you said you tried me time, but for me "quiet time" or "kid free time" wasn't enough. I had to take do something maybe challenging? engaging? After having two kids in two years, let's just say I'm not at the top of my gym-body game so spending an hour swearing to myself about the elliptical is cathartic. I can be as angry as I want about how hard the darn thing is or why does it take SOOO long to jog a mile and no one's feelings get hurt. It's really wonderful to give myself permission to be upset and to find an outlet for the stress.

I wish you guys so much luck.

Kids are resilient. You haven't screwed them up for life. None of us are perfect. We all do what we can and as we learn better we do better. When I had my second child it was hard, it gets easier. This time goes by very quickly. When it gets hard pack up the kids and go someplace. Go for walks, go look at Christmas lights, get yourself a coffee and just walk through the mall, clean out a little corner..... Take things in little amounts. Set the egg timer and set it for 10 minutes and do the most undesired work for just that ten minutes.

I have been around the block. I had some horrible time during childhood. I have buried children. Life can just be hard sometimes. The one thing that brought me most peace is my faith. I have felt the peace only God can bring and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

i would say if you're a sahm go back to work and find you again....if thats not doable maybe a waitress job at nights to get out?? i'm sorry you're sad=(

sometime it takes a long time to adjust to baby #2. just know you are not screwing things up, you already are working on patience (which was my problem when #2 arrived) you are addressing the problem and IT WILL GET BETTER!! your baby girl will eventually stop crying and your home will be more relaxed. it's very stressful when a baby cries nonstop, ugh, i feel for you!! just know you are not alone, it will get better, and you will get through this.

That you are in therapy is great. That you can admit you are struggling makes you a worthy Mom. You are trying to do right. Your feelings are your feelings. My guess is that you are overwhelmed and that it can improve if you make some changes.

Are you a stay at home Mom? If yes, consider going back to work and hiring someone to help with the kids. You may need more time away. A nanny is not out of the question if you can afford it. That way you can spend time with them when you are feeling patient and rested.

Go to a parenting class. Love and Logic is my favorite. Sounds like you could use some tools to help know how to handle the crying/whining. Your child may sense your impatience and be crying for affection. She may be a whiney kid for no reason, but with the right tools you may be able to curb some of that.

Keep going to therapy, Go to a parenting class. Get more time away from the kids. That's what I think.

Reading the book of James in the Bible and praying to have control over my tongue really helped me.
I also had a great therapist before I had kids that really helped me. My parents were alcoholics. They verbally abused each other as well as me and fought physically all the time.
If you feel you haven't made progress in 6 months with your therapist, maybe you should find another one.
Talk to your doctor as it may be a form of baby blues. And try to exercise and eat healthfully.
Good luck and God bless,
Victoria

I just wanted to commend you for having the strength to admit how you are feeling. I think a lot of women feel this way, but don't feel comfortable admitting it. The first step to solving a problem, is acknowleding that it exists - you've done that. I've never gone through therapy or counseling, but I've heard that if you're making progress, things will get worse before they get better because you are dealing with deep-rooted issues. So, maybe just try to hang in there for a while longer with the therapist. I think you are feeling overwhelmed by the two children, especially since one of them is crying a lot. One suggestion I have to for you to get out of the house everyday by yourself. I know that sounds impossible, but when hubby comes home, maybe you can just take a stroll around the block, get some fresh air and readjust your thinking. I know that just a few minutes of fresh air and exercise can do wonders for the spirit! And keep in mind that your baby is not crying because she needs/wants something from you that you can't figure out. She is just expressing herself and is perhaps a bit frustrated because she has no other way for self-expression. Instead of getting mad, sad, maybe sit with her and commisserate, even cry yourself if necessary. Just do it with her, don't fight against her. She will feel the kinship and who knows, maybe that will help.

Hang in there mamma. I know this is extremely difficult and everyone saying this will pass doesn't really help you get through it as it's happening minute-to-minute, but you have a lot of support here. Use us!

You know, in the past, I went to a therapist for about 4 months every week. It was an EXCELLENT one in NYC. My friend who is a billionaire (literally) recommended her to me. She had some celebrity clients and everyone swears by her. She was very nice. She charged a very reasonable $150.00hr to me because she had an opening and I was a word of mouth friend of friend etc. I paid because I don't have insurance. I had some very specific stuff I wanted to work on about myself. I'm not a generally unhappy or confused person, I am tough, and I just wanted to target these specific things. She did the whole "digging through childhood and figuring out all the reasons for things". UGH! I felt sooooo horrible and so much worse and the whole process made me angry and wishing I could have my hours and dollars back. The more I tried to be like, "Yeah um, can we get back to dealing with the present and future?" the more she was just wanting to find ways for me to "feel sorry for myself because people had been mean in the past" or something. So, pretend I wanted to indulge myself that way and say, "wahhh, my parents did some things wrong" or something, then what? How does that help me move on with the issues at hand? I don't know. I just hated it and felt very self absorbed and guilty for even going. I then solved my own problems and accepted some other things that didn't change. Ya know? I'm just saying, DON"T FEEL BAD that therapy has made you feel worse. It has it's place for some people, but if it's not helping you, let it go. I also know some friends who stay in a very self pitying place indefinitely when they get addicted to therapists.

If you feel your depression could be hormone related, see if your doctor can give you a temporary help for that, but you HAVE to just hang in there.

I can relate to how you feel. My husband is never home and my adjustment from 2 kids to three was HUGE. Not only did everything suddenly get way more hectic having 3 kids under 4, but my third was born with a RAGING temper and her tantrums started around 9 months instead of the normal 18 months like my other two. There was no escaping her screaming and raging no matter where we went, and I used lots of discipline and management with her on top of the other two, the house, everything, ALONE. IT WAS SO MUCH WORK AND I FELT BLIND SIDED.

Now she's 2 1/2, and she's my very best friend! She's has come through all that difficulty with flying colors, the kids all get along like champs, it's like I have a whole new life the past few months compared to the first 2 years. She's a child with a unique personality (spirited, funny and strange) instead of just an "angry baby" which was much harder to bond with. I'm so glad I controlled my frustration around her. I did discipline her, but I never got mad at her or resented her, and I was also very patient and loving with her, because that HAS to be priority number one no matter what is happening. The rewards of that are really showing. You don't say your baby is problematic, but if so and you needs tips for difficult behavior, let me know. I get the impression from what you've written, the baby is fine, it's you who feels bad.

This is a hard phase and you WILL be OK, but you have to control your feelings of self pity (not trying to sound harsh, but whenever you're feeling like your life is so hard now and it used to be so great...natural, but not healthy...) you need to stop yourself and literally count your blessings and reach out for support. The first step that helps me is to turn outwards and think of someone else. When I would get really low, I'd pack up the kids, walk across the street and visit our sick elderly neighbor and brighten her day. Sometimes the more you worry and work on "yourself" the worse you feel. You have two awesome kids and you will ENJOY it in the future. This is one of those hard phases that make the easy ones all that much more enjoyable when they pass. You can do it. Good work admitting it, acknowledging it and reaching out. I hope you get good feedback. Blessings!

You have some great answers re: children so wont say too much other than I Know how u feel and have felt the same at times. My 1st is 3.5 and 2nd us 17mo and sometimes I think about how much easier it was with one and life was great. I love them both dearly but becoming a mother and not wanting to parent like my parents did has also brought up alot of old stuff. It goes in phases and at times I have felt like an agitated b&tch snapping at kids and feeling terrible. I have had counseling before kids but last year i found the 2 most amazing people. My meditation teacher who also gives healing sessions that involve 1.5hrs of talking, massage and reiki which I have once a month and I go to meditation weekly and it has changed my life! Slowly but surely I am being more the person/parent I want to be. The other person is my naturopath/hypnotherapist who has helped me eat better and use natural remedies which has totally improved my mood and the most amazing thing was the hypnotherapy it's nothing like I thought it would be it's very similar to mediation: relax in chair she walks you through a scenario; short version mine: was walking down a path come to crossroads can take the left one which I will already know the outcome; same as always or take right and create new outcome. I take right come to clearing and sit down and she says I will encounter myself could be any form of myself I see myself at 3yrs old (when parents divorced) I tell myself thanks but I don't need to hold on to the hurt anymore give myself a hug and move on. I did it 2 more times and each time met myself at a traumatic time and I have cured my emotional eating from this also. It is amazing how the subconcious works and how it will give you some kind of coping mechanism when u need it but it's not always an effective one ie emotional eating, yelling, withdrawal the list is endless but I can't believe how all we have to do is retrain our subconscious. Seriously THE best $360 ( $120 per session) I have EVER spent. And the meditation is also an ongoing invaluable tool, yoga could also be beneficial. Sorry I can't recommend anyone as I don't live in the bay area anymore but could search for natural healer. I hope this helps and I wish you all the best and remember to ask yourself: HOw Important am I to myself?? If you can strive to answer that and have yourself come first and you are fulfilled then it allows you to better fulfill others. http://www.peacefulmind.com/therapist.htm or use yelp http://www.google.com.au/search?q=bay+area+hypnotherapy+y...

Ditto what Sally S. said down to the very last word. Hang in there Mama, & ask your therapist about trying some meds or find another therapist if he/she refuses to discuss meds.

I'm sorry you're struggling with such a difficult issue, Heather. You might want to try a process of self-inquiry called The Work, which my husband and I have found to be an amazing tool for adjusting our emotional landscape: thework.com/thework-4questions.php.

All the printable materials on the site are free. Fill out a Judge Your Neigbor worksheet on your son. Put every negative thought about what he should or shouldn't be like, or do, on paper. Really give it all you've got, every scrap of resentment, weariness, annoyance. Then go through your statements one at a time, asking The Four Questions. Follow up with Turn-Arounds. Be as creative and honest as you can be as you ask yourself for opposing thoughts that are as true as, or truer than, your disturbing thoughts.

When you complete the process for one of your statements, do the next one. Then the next.

If you do this process with sincerity, you will probably be surprised after just a couple of cycles that you are feeling lighter, freer, and happier. It sounds like a great deal of work if you haven't tried it, but it yields real and lasting results, and probably takes less effort than driving to a counseling session, talking for an hour, and driving home. You can also watch many videos of people doing The Work in a public setting to get a sense of how playful the process can be.

Wishing you well. You are not alone – I've actually known several women (and men) throughout my life who have deeply regretting having one or more of their children. It's a painful situation.

I haven't read all the responses but I did see a few good suggestions including exercise. If your husband could give you a 45 min break from the kids when he gets home each day that would be good too. However, you sound like I did. I cried a lot and was very short with my kids and even my husband. I tried some therapy but I felt I was getting nowhere. I knew I wasn't my normal self and I was IRRATIONALLY IRRITATED ALL THE TIME. I had NO patience. I finally got my self into a psychiatrist. Turns out it was simply depression. Not the kind of "Ican't get out of bed today" depression that we always hear about. I was really more angry and irritated all the time and was very emotional, just about anything could make me cry - even a commercial. I tried one medication and it stopped all the irrationalcrying and irritatedness, but was severely fatiguing. I really did have a hard time getting up out of bed and functioning. THe second one I tried has worked well with no fatigue. I don't cry at the drop of a hat and I am better in control of myself. I still need to work on my parenting skills - we all do. Children only get more difficult behavior wise as we get older and figuring out how to deal with that is a challenge. I lose my patience every now and then, but so do other parents not suffering from depression. It is normal part of parenting-kids can be frustrating. Part of parenting is also learning how to address our shortcomings with our kids without undermining our authority. My whole family is much happier now. I'm SO GLAD I finally recognized I needed some kind of help. Consider at least one appointment with a psychiatrist, be very honest with him/her about your feelings, and see what they have to say. Good luck to you.

Oh also, if you can afford it put your older child in preschool 1-2 mornings a week. That was very helpful for me as well , having some time with only one child was a bit less hectic.

You need to see your Dr about depression. Seriously consider going on medication. Good luck to you :-)

I felt that way with my first for the first year because she would not stop crying and screaming no matter what I did. I got really depressed because I put the blame on myself thinking I just sucked at tbeing a mom not to mention I had this really mean old lady at my old church telling me I was a mean mom and accusing me of making her cry. Needless to say I don't go there anymore and if I ever see that women again I'll let her know exactly what I went through! I never hated my child I just figured it was something beyond my control. She grew out of it once she started walking and getting more freedom. She hates being confined and she's super independent so there you go but she's very helpful and a sweetheart. She also had acid reflux. It's great that your in therapy I wish I could've afforded it so be lucky you got that. I'm about to pop with my second one any day now and my husband and I are wondering what in the hell have we gotten ourselves into after the first one. Pray like hell and try to get a good support team to give you breaks and get out of the house without the baby.

Has your therapist considered that you might have post partum depression? Also going from one child to two children is probably the hardest thing to do as a parent. I agree with others, exercise and meditation can help.

I strongly urge you to talk to your doctor about post partum depression. This can hit in any form at any time and it sounds like what you're going through. I know you're already in therapy, but maybe you need something more. Hormones, etc., can all be a big factor in post-partum depression. And, let's not forget that while one child is hard - two are really hard! Even more than double the work, I'd say. I think if you could find a post-partum clinic through the hospital you gave birth in or something like that, that would be a start. Listen, I have twin two year old boys and a four and a half year old and don't think I haven't envied all of those with just two kids! I think we all have those thoughts from time to time, even though we all love our little ones like nothing else, so you're not alone at all. Hang in there and talk to someone!

What Sally S said. You are a GREAT mom because you are reaching out and asking for help. Sometimes therapy works by itself, and sometimes you need medication when your body chemistry gets messed up. It sounds like you have post-partum depression and THAT messes with your body chemistry BIG time. Definitely talk to your therapist about that option, and if they are not open to it, talk to your ob/gyn and see if you can get a referral to someone else to help you.

Babies and children pick up on your emotions and feelings etc. and that makes them respond by more crying, whining, etc. So knowing that you have to try to get control of your emotions and feelings about the baby and still enjoy your 3 year old. My first one was 12 months and 5 days old when our second was born. The year old one was cute and doing little things we thought were so cute and he was so cuddly and then there was the baby who woke too early, etc., etc. I think he suffered in many ways but not from neglect or anger on my part but just my attitude of favoring the older one. I love both equally though and wish I could take back my feelings because the baby was not the problem, I was. It's hard to have a baby as it demands so much and you get little out of it if you want to look at it that way, and the 3 year old responds and hugs you and sort of gives back. Please try to love this little one. Try to play with her on the floor by herself when the 3 year old is doing something else or napping if he still naps. Put her where she is near you and your son while you read to him, or even let her sit by you and look at a hard book she can't tear. She will be so much happier if included and time spent even for short periods alone with just you. Soon you'll see her becoming a toddler too and it will be so much easier. Sometimes if you are busy and she is fussing just put her in the crib and let her play alone. Not all the time of course. She can learn to entertain herself quickly but only if she knows she will also get time with you too. I know it's hard. Mine are all grown and I remember days thinking it would never be bedtime and yet I miss those days so much now and wish I could go back. Tell yourself some day it will be gone and they'll be grown. You want them to be your friends then so enjoy them now and give to them and hopefully they'll give back to you later in life. Try to speak kindly even if you don't feel like it. Try to show affection to her even if you don't feel like it and see if she doesn't change her attitude too. Wish I could help.

I felt the same as you. Totally. I mourned the relationship I had with my firstborn child the minute my second child came into the world -- and I sat in bed and cried that night in the hospital. I knew all our special time was over because the newborn would be so demanding. *sigh* I even spaced it so that our kids would be 3 years apart -- so that my older one could be a little more independent and have her own stuff going on -- like preschool and activities. That helped me get through the days with the newborn much easier.

But, I was really stressed. My husband traveled quite a bit. I just couldn't handle it all. It was if I had gotten my life back and then it was taken away again. Nursing a second child was easy at first -- but then she didn't want to give it up. She went until she was almost 2 until I had had enough and made her quit. I wanted to be able to play with my older child and not be nursing all the time.

Anyway, one day in the summer I just lost it. I totally went nuts and drove myself to my doctor. I didn't want to be a Mom anymore and I was tired of everything. DH showed up and we all talked about my options. That was when I started Zoloft. *sigh* Zoloft was wonderful. I was smiling all the time. Things that should have upset me really had no effect.

As my kids got older I realized that it was time to return to reality and wean off of Zoloft. That was very difficult. I had to shave the pill down and follow a strict schedule because the withdrawal symptoms were SEVERE.

In addition to the Zoloft I have to admit that carving out some time for myself helped a lot. I managed to have both my girls go to Preschool at the same time. It was wonderful to go grocery shopping by myself. Even taking a walk felt great -- rain or shine.

Hope this helps and lots of hugs.

could you join/go to a gym and leave the kids there while you work out. sometimes sheer physical exhaustion can give clarity to mental exhaustion.

and remember - kids first memories they can recall are not usually until 5 or 6 - and even then they are fuzzy. give yourself a break -you have time to figure everything out and get it right.

Hi E.,

You are not a bad parent. You are out of balance that is why you are lashing out and feel you are loosing your patience. To start off how do you sleep? Do you get 8 hours of sleep? Do you take a good women's supplements to help keep your hormones balanced? These are important questions. I educate individuals how to put balance in their life and look for the areas that need addressing. We have get togethers to show people how. If you are interested in learning how to create a healthier environment in your home and living balanced email me and I will send you some tips.

Hang in there.

N. Marie
____@____.com

I had postpartum depression when my second turned about 6 months. I sort of fell apart. Random crying, etc. Completely overwhelmed. Consider seeing you OB/GYN - you may have postpartum depression. Good-luck and hang in there.

Being a parent, (or a husband or wife) is really tough, but it's MUCH tougher when you have unhappy memories constantly rolling around in your head. It feels as if there's only 2 ways to deal with those memories, which is to either ignore them completely, or let them swallow you whole. That's not true, though, and neither of those approaches will work.

Everybody makes parenting and relationship mistakes, big and small. EVERYBODY. You are only screwing up big time if you give up, and you haven't.

I've also known otherwise intelligent, lovely people who expect their loved ones, and the world at large, to make up for what they wanted, but didn't get, in childhood. It's impossible - no matter what anyone does, or doesn't do, it won't change the past. It happened.

(Honestly, I've seen folks do ridiculous things. It looks pretty silly when a person is in their 40s or 50s and justifying an affair because, "My dad never told me I was pretty.")

So, now what? Think of it like a movie. If you saw a movie that made you angry and depresssed, would you keep going back? Of course not. So, change the mental movie reel. Run plans for the future through your head - real, concrete, doable plans. "Next time the baby cries, I will take the time to sit and rock her without thinking about everything else I'd rather be doing." She will feel if you're stressed, so relaxing and enjoying her will actually make her less fussy.

Some people don't feel that they deserve a happy life, or a nice house, or a loving family, so they'll sabotage anything good in their lives. Don't let yourself fall into that trap!

Don't shoot for perfect - shoot for good enough. Quiet the voices and the people who tell you that's giving up; it isn't! It's being realistic!

Hang in there!

one thing, not for you, but for your baby that cries a lot, have the doctors found a cause? if not, have they ruled out silent reflux? it's where you have acid reflux that doesn't come out as vomit (like regular reflux). My daughter had it and cried all the time for about 6 weeks. would have gone on a lot longer if I hadn't known what it was--her cousin had it the year before. They treat it with zantac and she was like a different child.

When you say you tried "me time" did you get away for a few hours, or a few days? Sometimes you need a real break, like a week or two with friends.

sounds like either post partum depression or a mood disorder. I would talk to your doctor about it. It happens, nothing to be upset about. I have to take medication to help me with PPD and mood swings. I would yell and snap at the boys. I have a 2 1/2 year old and 1 year old twins, I know how stressful it can get, all 3 of my boys have had issues with reflux and colic. I think the therapist is a great idea, maybe you can get on some medication to help as well!

I've SO felt the same way. I love my little guy (2nd) but he's been harder than my first. He cried a lot and didn't sleep much in the beginning. It was hard. I felt like I was always sticking the older one in front of the t.v. so I could try to get the baby to sleep, which was always a project cause he wouldn't sleep. I was angry a lot & yelled WAY more than I wanted to. I had no patience. Its gotten better as he's gotten older. He's mellowing a bit & I think we know each other better, so I can settle him down faster. (he's 1) I don't know if you need meds, or a therapist like others suggested. I think the first yr. is the hardest, & we forget. Take a break when you need it. Take any help you can get. Apologize (to either kid) when you blow it, and know that some days will be better than others. I think as long as we're trying to be good mothers & we feel quilty sometimes, (cause I think that keeps us in check) than we're doing ok. I wish you the best of luck. And a big hug!

oh forgive yourself and take it one day at a time. This too shall pass. Really.

Hugs to you. I definitely understand your feelings. My second child is 8 1/2, and I still feel like she was a "turning point" (not in a good way) in my life. One child is *so much* easier than two. It was hard when they were little, and it's still hard now. My children bicker constantly, so I always have to mediate. My older child is "special needs" (pretty severe ADHD with social problems). They just *cannot* get along, they are always screaming at each other, tattling on each other, etc. The best part of my day is when they've gone to bed! (Unless I can have one of them at a time, you know, "divide and conquer"--let your husband take one while you take the other sometimes!)

For sure it is very difficult when your children are very young and needy. I think you have to just realize that this is a *very* hard time right now, but it *will* get better. Take your "me" time, accept your feelings and know that others feel or have felt them. It's hard to find others who *admit* to feeling they wish they didn't have a(nother) child, but there are! You just have to get through one day at a time. Good luck!

I felt like that with my 2nd daugther...
She would always cry wen Id hold her.
I could never get her to sleep or take her bottle.
It was hard, and going throw a divorce made it harder.

But I tried taking Each Day by Day.
Yoga seem to help relax me and calm me too.

Try yoga. While your holding the baby in a carrier...
Maybe it'll help. ;-)

You've gotten lots of good advice! Have you tried babywearing to help ease the crying? It is such a big help, especially with multiple children--your hands are free, less back strain than just trying to hold baby, tends to soothe baby better than just holding intermittently. Ergo is easy to use and you can find them used for cheaper-70 dollars. You can back carry her with it too so you can cook more easily. Makes errand running easier. Best of luck!

I guess i can say i kinda know how u feel, except i havent my second one yet. She'll be here any day. And though im excited to meet her, i feel like my patience is already gone with my first, which i feel horrible about. She's my little love and i feel like just being pregnant with a second child has already made life harder. I never imagined i would get to this point, and i dont know what to do to change who i have become. Soo.. I haven't read it yet, but i plan on it and ive heard great things about this book: Buddhism for Mothers: A Calm Approach to Caring for Yourself and Your Children by Sarah Napthali. I am not buddhist, or religious in any way, shape, or form, but i figured it can't hurt to try/read something new. I hope you can find a way to better deal with ur patience and emotions. Just know that it doesn't make u a bad mom, we've all got our problems. As long as u are trying to do something to fix it. Best of luck to you.

I'm coming in late here but want to add a couple things:
This is a phase and it will get easier. 3 year olds and babies are notoriously hard even on their own.
It may help to zero in on what makes you feel this way. When I haven't gotten enough sleep I feel this way. Maybe your husband can get the baby during the night, give you a couple nights off, or a couple mornings to sleep in and see how it helps. Can you send the baby to grandmas for a weekend? Is it mostly a certain time of day and can you do something to alleviate the stress and help your patience? Can you hire some one to come over? I know you said you've tried "me" time, but if you miss time with the 1st child maybe you can afford to put the little one in daycare parttime so that you have more quality time with your older child. Are you a SAHM? Maybe it's worth going back to work if you're not enjoying it. This doesn't make you a bad mom- it's giving everyone what they need. You might enjoy her more when she gets older. My first cried all the time as a baby and then grew into a really lovely toddler.
As for a new way to think, I've read that having a mantra helps. Like, when you get mad you say something like, "I'm the adult and I can control myself", or "I'm angry, but I can control myself" or even "this is not a big deal" and take a deep breath before doing anything. I posted one for myself and I think it really helped.

Try not to be so hard on yourself!! I'm not even going to read the other responses, but I wanted to encourage you to talk to a psychologist or psychiatrist about possible postpartum depression. Everything you just described was me after I had my first. I was so miserable, and I feel like I missed out on SO MUCH with him, as I waited until he was 16 months to really look at myself and acknowledge that yes, depression was probably my issue. It's not something we ask for or bring upon ourselves; it's a chemical and/or hormonal imbalance in our brain that we have no control over!

I sought help and decided medication was the best course for me after careful consideration and discussion with both my doctor and my husband. I was breastfeeding at the time, and the social stigma attached to requiring meds for anything mental related really inhibited my willingness to take that course. BOY AM I GLAD I DID!!!!!!! I stopped taking my progesterone-only birth control pill (which research has shown contributes to depression) and went on Zoloft. I felt 100% better just in the week after I went off the birth control!!! Within a month, I was back to somewhat of my normal self (I don't think I'll ever be my pre-mom self again, and I don't know that I want to be).

I was really nervous to have a second child because I was really afraid I'd go through the same experience, but I had no recurrence of my depression, and I'm now mostly enjoying being the mom of a 5yo boy and 2yo girl :)

Seek more help than you're currently getting with your therapist, as it could be medical! Good luck :)

And I want to add that everyone's different when it comes to having kids, but having the first is always the most life-changing!

Hi there,

I just wanted to send big bugs your way. I know how you're feeling. Hang in there, it will get better.

Do you like your therapist? Does it make you feel better after having a visit? If not, could you change to a different therapist? I saw one for a few years, and in hindsight I think he was spending a lot of time telling me what was wrong with me instead of helping me to realize I was ok. Not sure this makes sense, but realize that you are ok. You are in a really stressful situation and things will improve. You are not a bad mom, just an exhausted and overtaxed one.

Other mommies here gave you some good advice. Can you do some exercise? I swear, deep breathing helps! Can you get more help with housework so you can spend time with your babies and feel less stressed? Is your husband supportive and helpful? Is there any way you can get more sleep, taking naps or having your husband look after they kids on weekend mornings? Can someone watch one child while you spend some alone time with the other? Maybe even with your husband and one child at a time?

Take deep breaths and remember that you are ok and things will improve. Send me a private message if you'd like. I really feel for you, the first year can be so hard. Hang in there!!!

xo, H.