Daddy Involvement

K.,
If it makes you feel any better I'd like to say that you are by no means the only mom out there who has experienced this problem, including me. I'd love to tell you what worked for me, but like so many other things men are so different that what worked for me probably would not work for you. The best advice I can give you is to give it some time, my husband did not really start to come around until my first was almost six months old! One thing I will tell you is definately don't push him into anything he is not ready for because that usually backfires. Maybe sit down and between the two of you pick a time for some one-on-one daddy-son time, do all the dirty work so he cn gradually get used to the fun interaction and so he does not feel so overwhelmed. I hope this helps point you in the right direction and if you have any other questions, remember we are here for you :)

K.,

Give him time. You have had more than 9 months to get use to the idea of being a mom. Even though he was probably with you everystep of the way, it will still take him time to adjust. It took my husband until he saw the first smile.

I found that my husband wanted to be involved, he just didn't really know what to do, and he was even a little bit afraid of our son when he was that little, like he was breakable or something. I would start out by asking for his help, but do things with your son together at first, like giving him a bath, etc. Once he has a little more comfort level you can ask him to help by himself, like watching the baby while you make dinner. Soon he'll see it's not hard, and he'll feel more connected, and will seek out time to spend with the baby on his own. You didn't give alot of background info, so I'm not sure if the problem is more involved than I'm treating it, but this is what I did, and it worked for our family.

I havea suggestion for you to try, start making him babysit while you go to the store and do other things. Dont be rude or bossy about it, but more like asking him to help. themore time that he spends with the child the more he might learn to like having him arund.The diaper and bottle age makes a lot of guys uncomfortable, just be willing to work with the dad. He may nee to grow up some beforehe realizes what a wonderfull thing he is missing out on.

I am a single father my self and would not trade the years I have had with my son.

Hi K.!

I have learned that you can't force anyone to be a parent. My son was a very unplanned, unexpected surprise. Both of us weren't exactly ready to be parents. I have babysat since I was in sixth grade and LOVE kids. He had no experience whatsoever. We moved in together once our son was born, but the first year was extremely difficult nonetheless. He had no clue and was too prideful to ask for help, read, or go to a Daddy Bootcamp.

Part of the problem was (and still is!!) his maturity level in regards to selfishness. I have learned the hard way that my boyfriend's needs always come first. My son is two and we still have issues about priorities. My boyfriend was 24 and I was 23 when our son was born. I cannot even imagine my boyfriend becoming a father at 18. He wasn't ready at 24!

Did you have any conversations about expectations, involvement, fears, parenting roles, etc. while you were pregnant? I would recommend a good long conversation. I have to sit down with my boyfriend all the time and have long converations about all of the above. I don't get angry. I don't accuse. I always use I-statements. Having a baby changes EVERYTHING. Life with a child constantly changes and communication is important. You have to be on the same page!

Good luck!

Hi there. I think that right now the best thing you can do for your son's daddy is not critique him. Most fathers feel very inadequate when next to mom. Let him put the diaper on crooked or backwards, let him play rougher than you do, and give him space to get used to his new role.

Be patient, it will come. Some fathers really just don't flourish till the baby turns more into a toddler. Even still if you don't hang over him, he'll become more and more confident.

Congrats to you both.

First, I would talk to the father about it. My husband was not as involved in the beginning as I would have liked. He would do anything I asked, but didn't initiate much. I came to realize that he just was not sure what to do with an infant so small! He said that holding her for too long made him hot and he just wasn't sure what to do. I would make suggestions and that helped a lot. I can tell you that once my daughter was more active and especially after she started crawling, he became so much more active because he understood how to interact more and she would respond to him so he knew what she liked. Now she is 19 months old and I never know what the two of them will be doing when I walk in the door. They are usually playing with big legos, dancing, tickling or chasing the puppy. I think this happens with a lot of men.

I hope things get better for you. You need the support and your baby needs an involved dad!

K.:

Hello to you! The best advise that I can give to you is probably just be a shining example yourself in your sons life. Have fun with him! Enjoy him! Love him - express this to the baby's father. Show him that you're truly enjoying the experience of being "mom" to this child. They say that you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink - well listen, I'm telling you - this horse will drink and take the carrot when he sees that you're truly enjoying the experience - get what I'm saying? So instead of using the negative reinforcement - use the positive and you will see tremendous results! God bless you - I'll pray for you!

M. G.

K., My husband refused to get involved with his son. Is it possible that your husband is afraid of not doing things perfectly in handling/caring for your infant? Babies need a lot of care and attention. Maybe you can involve him in doing small things like "Honey, would you please hold the baby while I get a clean diaper and wipes?" Talking to your baby about his daddy and how much he loves your son (when your husband is within earshot) may boost his confidence. Letting your husband see how precious your son is may be what he needs. God bless you!

You are so young, and I'm assuming dad is too. I completely understand your situation. I have a 7 year old who father is not involved in her life. You cannot force the issue. The harder you try, the farther he will run. The best thing you can do for your child is to make the opportunity available for them to bond. If he doesn't respond, his loss. Don't stop at him. Give his family the opportunity to bond as well. Even though I have moved on and have been with the man she calls "daddy" for more than 6 years, she still has somewhat of a relationship with her biological g-parents. It may be a rough go of it, and who knows how your child will react down the road. Have faith in the fact that you love your child enough to at least allow that opportunity, even if the dad doesn't take it. Your child will grow up knowing you were the mature one who did whatever it took (even with humility) to allow dad to be a part of his/her life. If things don't work out how you had hoped, there are so many others out there, who are real men willing to step up to the plate and can love your child as much as their own. I am living proof!

I got my husband more involved by giving him certain tasks to do. For example, after my daughter was done eating then he would burp her. He would also be in charge of giving her a bath etc... Does your son's father live with you?

YOu can't make him be involved. He has to WANT to be involved. Rather than harp and complain, the way to approach it is talk about what you're enjoying about being a mom and what he's missing. He needs to feel as if he's missing out on something. Whatever you do.....DONT use the child to get back with the father. If he wants nothing to do with either of you....maybe you're better off. Do you want a life long hassle of trying to get him to be a better father? Sometimes....cutting ties is best for everyone!

Just tell him he needs to help. We never had that problem but it was always understood that they were just as much his kids as they were mine, so he's gotta take responsibility. My husband is now in the Navy and has been gone for 2 weeks (only 36 days til we get to see him) and when he gets back from basic he KNOWS he's got A LOT of catching up to do.
I think after he starts getting more involved he'll enjoy it. The one thing my husband says he misses the most is HIS time with the boys! Good luck!

con grats give him time let them ghet ther on thing going he might think he will hurt the lil one being so small and alllet him do some thing and just ask do he wont u to show him and let him try next thing u know he will take over my huband was a natrue he wanted a bab a whhile so when she came he put the same amount of work i did when ur baby smile at him for the first time he will be one over good luck

You have a problem.my husband was like that with our 1st child but he was really sorry later when she was about 4 she wanted me to marry the man down the street because he played with his little girl.she wouldn't kiss him godd night or anything, it made me so sad but he learned his lesson and when the second girl was born it was all different. See, he thought that just because he was her father she would love him.so sad. But maybe if you show him this email he will would be involved in his son's life. A father and son should be close.
Logan is young now and it may just be an ajustment for your husband.some men find it hard to share their wives with a baby. Try to give him as much attention as you do logan. Ask him for help when changing the baby.or ask him to feed logan. And be sure to give your husband attention after the baby goes to sleep for the night. Just hang in there it will get better.good luck and god bless!(I ASSUME YOU TWO ARE MARRIED AND LIVING TOGETHER)

I don't know if dad lives with you. That can make a difference in how much he can be involved. If he doesn't live with you then don't just tell him he can come over when he feels like it. Let him know when you are doing special things with your son and tell him you want him to be there. Even it is just a bath. Don't nag him. Make him see it is not a chore but a time to enjoy his son. If he does live with you hand him the baby and tell him how he can help you. I know you are young but trust me even older dads can be the same way. My 37 year old husband has to be reminded that his children will only be little for so long. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Are you still with him? If not, give it up, you can not make someone do something especially being involved in a life. I have the same problem with my two older girls' dad. We had our first when I was 19 and he was just turning 20 and he was awesome with her. Than when we had our second daughter, he was pretty good than as well, but when we moved back to our home state, everything went down hill and he left us. He got involved with a 16 year old girl and ever since than he had nothing to do with OUR girls, I always had to call him and force his kids on him to see him. He never paid me child support until I moved to another state with my girls. He still don't call, write or even try to see them. He's been out of their life since the youngest of our daughter was 2 and she is now 10. I found someone else who loves my girls like they were his and we are all happy just like that. Oh by the way the girls' dad had 3 other kids by the 16year old and they recently lost all 3 of their kids. All I can say is that YOUR the LUCKY one to see and watch and love and get the love back from that beautiful baby you have. And someday maybe the father will wake up to see that his son is wonderful and great! Just don't ever try to force him on him, because he'll just push further away. Just poke around and say, "would you like to get to know your son?" I would like for you to be the one to show him what a dad would be like?!" But if he still don't come around, leave it be.

He's only 9 weeks old? Men normally just don't get into babies. You hand them to them, and they sit there thinking "now what?" My husband, who is an awesome dad, didn't have much to do with our kids when they were babies either. I mean, he didn't ignore them or anything, he just never wanted to just go over and pick them up and cuddle. That's more of a woman thing. Once the kids start interacting with people, they get more into them. Remember, most men don't know how to take care of a newborn. That instinct wasn't put in them like it was women. Just concentrate on YOUR relationship with your son, and don't get upset about things that are out of your control. You can't force your husband to hold him more and stuff, you have to let him come around on his own when he wants to.

If the father doesn't want to be involved at 9 weeks old, I seriously doubt that he will be an involved daddy in the future. I have tried for 18 years to have my son's father be a part of his life, to no avail. I am since remarried and my husband now is the best dad to my son that I could ever ask for, especially since my son is autistic. It takes a very special person to be a daddy. Anyone can be a father, but someone very special to be a daddy. You could try talking to your child's father, but do you honestly feel that it would work? You could try and include him in your child's life by keeping him informed, but there is only so much you can do. If he doesn't want to be included, there is not much you can do. Just don't ever talk bad about the father in front of your child...that could come back to haunt you in the future.

My husband was the same way. Like the other person said he did become more involved after my son was more responsive and got older. One thing I did do was give him the responsibility of bath time. I think it made him feel a little more connected to his son. He is now 9 months old and my husband is still in charge of bathing him. It also lets me get a few minutes to myself.

In your situation I feel that we should pray about this. We have not becuase we ask not. Let us pray.
Jesus I pray for K.'s husband or boyfriend that you would place a deep desire in his heart to do activities with his son. I pray that you would surruond her husband with your love. I pray that you would place a strong desire in his heart to want and to continue to show his son attention. I pray that you would give K. the words to say to her husband or boyfriend. I pray that he will listen to his girl friend or wife with an open heart ready to recieve. I pray that he will understand the sitution. In Jesus name I pray amen...

If you could give a little more information it would help us knowing where to start with advice. Are the two of you married? Do you live together? What kind of a husband/significant other is he? How long have you been together? LoL not trying to pry into your life but do need a little information as to where you are coming from. :-)