Dad's Death....

I can sympathize, my grandma died 9 days ago. She didn't want a funeral. My daughters wanted to see her and say goodbye at the funeral home. My oldest is 5, she walked right up and strokes nana's hair and said "I'll miss you nana". She cried for a few minutes, but was fine. I think they take a lot of their cues from us. My little one just keeps saying"nana angel" and saying "I wish nana come back". We have talked about being sick and letting go a lot, explaining that she loved them very mich but was really tired and couldn't fight anymore.

They are about the same age my boys were when my dad died. I brought them. They were allowed to openly grieve and get support from the rest of my family.

I am sorry for you loss. I lost my Pops in 2002 and it was very hard for me...still can't believe it's been that long, it feels like yesterday.

I hadn't had my 3 kids back then but my sister had her 2 boys and we took them with, they were 8 and 4. I think it's good for them to get to say goodbye to their grandpa...

They need to be there and a part of the "goodbye". As a child who was shielded from this sort of thing, I can tell you that I hated that my parents didn't include me and I always feel like something is missing. What's missing is the "goodbye". Saying goodbye is a part of life. We live and we die. Shielding kids from this part of life doesn't help them grow up to accept it. I would say that if it's an estranged family member than they don't need to be a part of it but this is your dad and very likely a big part of their lives. Don't keep them away from this.

So sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family.

K.,

I'm very sorry for your loss, please take care of yourself & your family during this time. As for taking your boys, I personally think yes they should go, as this is a part of life. It's also a time for the boys to pay their respects to their Grandpa. I would definitely explain what is going on to them on their own level before the services so they will know what to expect. You may want to even include them in putting together a nice collage of pictures to have at the funeral home. It would help them with their sadness by remembering & talking about times spent with Grandpa. My daughter, now 3, lost her "Papa" when she was 1. She did go to all the services with us, although she was much younger then your children, I thought it was important she be there.
Prayers & thoughts are with you & your family.

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I went through this a few months ago. M Uncle passed. My girls were very close to him (my Dad and my DHs Dad had passed way before they were born) like a Grandfather. I explained to them what they would see. I did tell them that if they weren't comfortable they didn't need to go see the body. For the first hour or so they wanted to say in the back of the room, which was totally fine with me, then as the evening progressed, my then 6 year old wanted to get a little closer, I let her do things totally at her pace. By the end of the visitation, both girls made their way up and said their goodbyes. They drew him pictures like the always did and they were put in with him.

The funeral homes are really good with kids too. They maybe able to explain things too.

First I am very sorry for your and your childrens' loss.
Going to the funeral should be a decision you all make together. Ask them if they want to go after you have explained what a funeral is like. This way there will be no surprises and they can each make an informed choice. How you approach this will vary from child to child because of age and personality so talk to them individually. I personally shy away from viewings and I think those should be avoided with younger children. Give them happy alive memories of your dad to remember instead and maybe they want to make a photo collage of themselves with him to keep at home. Also take in to consideration the length of the funeral service and the fact that you will be openly grieving, will they be able to sit and will seeing you upset cause them to be upset. You could have someone meet you will them for the graveside service which is usually shorter and is actually the final moment of closure for most people. There are a few excellent books out there for children on death, try "When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death" by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (ages 4 - 8). Remember their concept of what death is and what it means is not the same as an adults so they may ask a lot of questions for awhile. Take care and God Bless.

K.:

Death is a part of life. May people try to hide this transition from their children thinking they are saving them from the hurt instead of teaching them how to acknowledge it and be at peace with it. This is a time when they can learn to reflect on family, respect, love, learn how to cope with grief in themselves and others, and see that this is all part of life. They will have the love and support of family, as will you. Consider not separating them from something that is so part of life, that we all someday will experience. Not knowing, and not learning about death can make it a more scary concept when they get older. Children are very perceptive; but they often misconstrue what they percieve when without guidence and explantion.

As to how to explain death and loss, that is a very personal approach. I believe it is quite dependant on your personal beliefs. Since we are secular, I talk about the circle of life, how our bodies return to the earth, and provide for the plants, which provide for the animals, which provide for other animals, which return to the earth, and so on. In that way, our energy is always a part of this world, ever recycling, if you will.

Your beliefs may be different, Just be honest with your children, at a level they can understand. Let them talk it through as they need. Ask them what they think after you have told them your beliefs, to make sure there isn't misunderstanding. You may be suprised at how well your children handle it, with the love and support and information you give them.

I wish you well. I wish you laughter with the happy memories and peace with your loss. May you feel the love that is around you.

I, too, am sorry for your loss.

I agree with previous posts, ask them if they want to go. When I was roughly their age my grandfather passed away and I was not given a chioce and made to stay home. I was close to him and to this day (nearly 30 years later) wish I had closure.

Most importantly is the time after the funeral...there are some great books for kids explaining the loss of a loved one. You might consider picking one or two up to help them and you get through the grieving process.

Best of luck and I've said a prayer for you.
C

If they were close to their grandfather they probably will want to attend. Your 4 year old may be too young to understand, but the other two should be asked. If they want to go, let them. Be there for them and follow their lead.

I'm so sorry you lost your father, I know this is an extremely difficult time for you. Cling tight to your family and your faith.

I went to many funerals at the ages your boys are and I have never had nightmares or disturbing visions, etc. I saw both of my great-grandparents (who raised me) in their open caskets at ages 7 and 10 and am glad for getting those opportunities to say goodbye and be there with them until the very last second that I could not be anymore.

I would provide a back-up sitter for them in the event that they need to leave any of the services early (preferably one who can just whisk them away while you stay as long as you need/want.)

i think it depends on how close your children were to their grandfather and what they want. one of my grandfathers was cremated when i was about 8 and i didn't feel i had closure because i didn't get to see his body. this was a grandfather i only saw once every few years but i liked him. so because we weren't super close, it didn't take long to get over the feeling of not enough closure, but i think if we had been closer it would have really bothered me. i'm just the kind of person who appreciates viewings for closure. my husband has no use for seeing a dead body and wishes every funeral was closed casket. his sister's funeral was closed casket because his mother wanted everyone to remember her the way she was alive. i asked to see the body because i knew by then that it was what i needed. i took my kids (6, 4, and 1 1/2) to their grandma's funeral and they got bored and a little noisy, but at times they were interested. i'm glad i took them. if your kids get noisy you can always take them out. if you wish you could go to the funeral without dealing with the kids, it's probably fine to leave them home. good luck on your decision.

K. I am sorry about the passing of your father.

As for the boys attending the funeral I would say it depends on how close they were to him. I would probably bring them to the wake, but don't force them to go up to the casket or anything. If they expressed they don't want to go then let them stay home. If it is going to be an all day wake, I would bring them but plan a sitter that can come get them midway through the day. Let them be at the wake for a short time to say goodbye and pay their respects, but then have them at home. I wouldn't do the funeral with them if they have done the wake.

The other thing you need to keep in mind, is that this was your dad and you deserve to grieve for his loss without having to worry about corralling three kids. You may also feel awkward being too emotional with them around, not wanting to get them all worked up. Like I said, I would have them come for a short time and then go home.

Wishing you the best.

I am sorry for your loss.
I wouldn't force your boys to go if they don't feel comfortable with it. We have always tried to be open about death with our children- We do believe in an afterlife and when my kids ask questions about death, I try to be open and honest with them and answer questions as best as I can(age appropriate).
I think talking about the good memories that you have shared with your dad, and they have shared with their Poppy, will help them remember him as he was.
God Bless,
~C.

My mom and dad wouldn't tell me my grandmother died until after the funeral. I have felt cheated of not being able to say "Good Bye" all my life. And that was almost 30 years ago. I would let them go if they wanted to go If I were you.

Good luck to you and yours.

I am so sorry for your loss. I would tell the boys what to expect, if there is a wake and what will happen at the funeral. Give them the choice. My son was 3 when ny grandfather dies, so no wake, but took him to the funeral. My favorite uncle dies last year, my son was six I told him what he would see at the wake and at the funeral. He didn't want to go to the wake because he didn't want to see my uncle and him not waking up, but he came to the funeral. Let them decide with you what would make them feel good about saying good-bye.

I am sorry about your loss. I lost my father last year and at that time I had a two and four year old. Both boys were close to their Poppa. We had both boys at the wake and funeral. My brother had his two children a two year old and a newborn, and my cousin had his kids. Wakes and funerals that I have gone to, people enjoy seeing the children. It reminds everyone that life does go on in the grandchildren and cousins. I am not sure how your set up is, but we had a family room at the funeral home where we were able to set up the kids if they were bored. We had dvd's for them, and books, and stuff to color. The kids were actually really well behaved and understood how important this time with family and friends was to everyone, I think sometimes we underestimate how much they do understand. They understood that Poppa was sick and God is taking care of him now. My dad really liked horse racing, so now my kids think that he is in heaven everyday watching horse races. The other thing we did with them is that in the evening after the funeral we went outside and had the kids pick out a star. That is now Poppa's star watching over them (they may pick different stars at different times, but that is not important). Even now, my kids will look upp in the night sky and say hi to Poppa or "Look mommy, Poppa came out to say goodnight to us."

By the time my son was 4 he had lost 2 great grandparents, 1 grandpa and a beloved dog. I am a huge proponent of truth- told in an age appropriate way (that's the key). We told him that the person had died and he would no longer be able to see them or visit them, but that he would always have them in his heart. We do talk about all of these people and he does remember things about them. Invariably, he says "I can't see her anymore but she is in here (tapping his chest)" I always give him permission to feel sad and we stressed that all of them were "big sick", not the kind of sick he gets when he has a runny nose. Funny enough, the one that affected him most was the dog because of my reaction (uncontrolled weeping). You mention that you want them to remember the way he was- they will if you support them in that. Being at a funeral surrounded by people who loved him will also facilitate that kind of remembrance. Good luck!

This is a tough situation for anyone! If it were me I would take them to the funeral. I think hiding the truth doesn't always help.

You know your children best, are they dramatic and hysterical? Are they terribly fearful? This is something only you can decide.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My condolences. I know how hard this is as I lost my mom 9 months ago.

I really think children should be present. If you explain it to them in age-appropriate language, this gives them the opportunity to say goodbye. Believe me, they'll still retain their happy memories of when a grandparent was in better health. They'll also have each other for support that day. They should know it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to cry for someone they love.

I'm not sure what church you belong to, but the rituals shared in a common faith remind us that we are part of something greater than ourselves. We celebrate both happy and sad events, from marriage to funerals, with our family and community.

Absolutely, take the children. This was their Grandfather and he was important to them. We honor those we love by respecting their memory this way. Don't dwell on the open coffin but tell them that their Poppy is no longer there and share your beliefs about life after death...the Christian view is very comforting, because it gives hope for the future even when facing death. Most funerals I've been to are celebrations of the life of the person, and, or worship and praise to the God who loved the person, whom we also love. We talk about how its o.k. to miss our loved one and cry. We also talk about how they can be a comfort to others who are mourning, just with a smile or hug to grandma, or offering a handkerchief, or a glass of water. If they need to go out, we tell them its o.k., but to remember to respect those around them. You are remembering him alive by going to the funeral and they will begin closure to the grief by going to the funeral. You may have questions to answer afterwards, but I think this is a great opportunity to keep talking with your children about important things of life and death.

I think going to the funeral is fine, BUT one thing to watch out for is the open casket (if they are doing that). That can be very disturbing to a young child. My mom died when I was 16 and I saw her in an open casket. That disturbing image is still in my head.

I am so sorry for your loss. My girls were just turned 7, and almost 4 when my dad passed away. They were brought to the wake, just for awhile, and they knew my dad had been ill. We made a card with a picture of them on it that said we will love you and miss you forever, which we left in my dad's casket at the time of closing.

I knew I could not handle them being at the actual funeral service, so my sister in law brought them to the cemetery and as the service ended all the grandchildren came forward and they did a balloon release.

On the first anniversary of his death, we did this again. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Allowing them to be there is part of being honest with them about death. Do not let anyone tell them he is "sleeping" or some other distracting explanation. I told my kids (similar age) "grandpa's body just stopped working." Be careful about saying he was "sick" because they will get scared they are going to die the next time they get "sick." When mine asked "Will we ever see him again?" I answered honestly "no, you won't. You can see his body this one last time but then you will have to look at pictures or just remember all the fun times you had with him." You could talk about heaven of course but it is pretty abstract for them to conceptualize. Having kids around during the visitation is also wonderful for all the family and friends who will be there! Wouldn't grandpa want the family to enjoy one another's company? What is probably hardest on the kids is them seeing Mom and other grownups sad and crying, but again it is part of life that they will have to experience sooner or later. When you tell them you are so sad because you are going to miss your dad, they are probably going to worry about you dying and leaving them behind. You can't promise them it won't happen but you can tell them you plan to be around for a VERY long time.
Hang in there...

This is a no brainer, definately yes! Both my children went to funerals when they were 4. My ten year old also serves mass for funerals too. I sat down with my children before going to the mass and told them what they can expect. I also didn't mind them asking questions during the visitation of the body. They are very curious at this age and relatives understood that it was their first time at a funeral. Its's their grandfather, they have to attend unless they are too uncomfortable with it. Don't force them going close to the coffin, just let them be until they are ready. My oldest pretty much kept quiet, but my youngest had so many questions. So each child is different, I would let them decide if they want to go.

I think when there is a death in the family, it becomes a family event. Your boys will get a chance to see their aunts and uncles, be comforted by them and comfort them. Older people love to see kids, reminds them that life goes on. I'm sorry your dad died. The boys need to see for themselves what it is all about or they will make up stories that are much worse. The way I like to explain death is to use a puppet. When your hand is in the puppet, it moves and looks like it's alive. When you take the hand out, the puppet ceases to move-when the life part leaves the body, the body doesn't need to breathe and won't move or hurt because the life part has left.
I worked with grieving children and their families for many years and recommend some very good books on my web page: http://www.grannygracecares.com

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My short answer is yes, you should have them attend the funeral. At my grandfather's funeral, all of his grandchildren attended and honestly, they didn't think much of it. They went to look at him and smiled and then went to the back room to play. I don't think it phased them all too much as they were too young to understand much of what was happening.

Sorry for your loss. I have had a lot of loss too, my parents and my husbands parents. Only one of them after my daughter was born, she was 2 when my dad died and i opted not to have her there i think 2 is too young to understand. Only you know what your children can go through with, fathom, understand etc.. If i were you i would definitely bring the 6 and 7 year olds. But i would have brought my daughter at 4. Death is an important part of life and teaching this is also equally as important. I was withheld from the family funerals as a kid and once my mom died when i was 8 it was my first one. It was a baffling experience that i wish i could have been more prepared for.

Your sons will attend funerals some day. Good luck my heart goes out to you.

I think your children will cope better if you explain to them at there level of understanding. You certainly don't need to get into the science of it all, but they deserve to know they won't see their Poppy now. Definitely include them in the family gathering. If your family does visitations, be sure not to pressure them into doing things they don't feel comfortable with, each of the children will be different. My Mum died when my boy was barely two, but he still talks about her as if he knew her or he asks questions - that is healthy.
Condolences on your loss - your children can and will help comfort you through this too, even if you all don't realise it.

K.,

My heart goes out to you.

I lost my dad when I was 12. He had a heart attack at home. I had never been to a wake or funeral before. My parents felt that kids should not attend wakes...they did me no favors. So, not only did I have to deal with the loss of my dad, I had to deal with, what was, so much of an unknown to me. Not knowing what goes on at wakes and funerals made the entire ordeal so much harder. Death is a part of life. I have young girls and have taken them to a few wakes and funerals so far. As of right now it has been mostly neighbors or grandparents of cousins or friends. I lost my mom when my oldest wasn't even 2 , so she doesn't remember anything. It is not as scary for kids as you would think. Kids are so matter of fact and this is how it is....they can teach us things, very often. Your kids, just like you, will remember the good times that they had with him, they won't dwell on the funeral or wake. I am all for taking kids to wakes/funerals if they can behave and not distrupt those around them. That is their "poppy" and honestly even the 4 year old is old enough to know that he is gone. When my kids ask, I tell them that their souls are in heaven. I try not to lie about what the is actual the truth. Your 6&7 year olds must have a pretty good bond by now with your dad, I couldn't not even imagin excluding them and at that point you couldn't possibly leave out the 4 year old. Please take them ....I don't want to be morbid but you never know when you might go or God forbid a sibling...that is so much harder than explaining about poppy being old and not feeling well.

So sorry about your dad.
I went to my grandmother's wake when I was 4. My mom explained that she was going to heaven. I remember some of the wake but I don't remember trying to climb in the casket because I wanted to go to to heaven with her. I think the closure is important, and I don't think your boys are too young. They'll process it in their own way and it's a good time for you to talk with them about beliefs and life in general. I cried a lot after she was gone because we were very close and even now, I still cry sometimes when I think of her. Overall, I think it was good that I got to say goodbye. My mom thought the long Catholic funeral would be too much for a 4 year old and she was probably right, but being at the visitation I think was good for me.
In the case of my own daughter, she started going to funerals--or at least visitations--when she was only 1. Thankfully, while they've been people she knew, they were not close family members and we've been able to talk about what happens when you die. I tell her everything I can in the simplest terms. While she won't understand everything, she will process it in her own way and as time goes on, she'll understand better. I think it's better to start when they're young instead of the first funeral they go to being in their teens or whatever...then the emotions will be too overwhelming, IMO. Condolences, may God give you strength to get through this difficult time.

I'm sorry to hear that! I think it would be important for your sons to be involved. They may only have a small understanding of what is going on, but now is a good time for them to experience this - grieving (and getting closure) is healthy. If they ask questions, answer them truthfully but with caution. Just let them know that you'll be there for them!

Kari, sorry for your loss.

One thing I wanted to mention is that when my grandfather passed away, we allowed the kids to release balloons and they watched them float away until they gone (in their eyes, my grandfather caught them and are enjoying them). So, it's now been just over 3 years since he passed away and each and evertime we go to a restaurant, the kids each get one extra balloon and release them and as they float away, they yell "here's a balloon for you pappa, please catch it".

They also out of the blue looked at the moon and the stars and said "pappa, please fix the moon". Several days/weeks later, the moon is full and the kids thank him for fixing it. I do believe they feel the stars are broken pieces of the moon. It's a nice way of talking about him and keeping his memory alive.

Death is a part of life. I understand your need to protect them but the best way to do this is to let them be there. Celebrate "Poppy's" life and all of the great memories they shared with him and start it right away by letting them say goodbye and get some closure.

I'm so very sorry about your loss. The loss of a parent is so difficult.
I would bring your childen, they do need closure, they will remember their Grandpa the way he was.
My Daughter was facinated by the casket, don't be surprised, she continually asked if she could touch his hand, which I did let her.
She does however talk alot about Heaven and is as comfortable with Heaven as a 6year old can be. So she is ok with the fact that her Grandparents are in Heaven and says prayers everynight to them.

Sorry if this is too much information.

I am very sorry for your loss, our prayers go out to your family. As far as the funeral goes, it's not something that they are going to more than likely remember or understand. I would base my decision if I were you on how well they acted @ other events, my kids would never hold still or be quiet enough to take to a service. If they have trouble understanding it, try this: take a candy bar... Hersheys probably is the best and tell them to take carefully unwrap the candy bar and eat it. (keep the wrapper) ask them if they enjoyed the candy, and then ask them where the candy went. Then explain to them that sometimed people are like candybars. We are made up of more than what we see on the outside. Tell them that even tho their Poppys no longer here to play with them, and tho his body is still here, that his body is like the candy bar wrapper, and just like the chocolate is inside their body, they can always carry a piece of their Poppy inside. I hope this helped a little. Best wishes

I think they are too little for "closure" and you will be/need to be grieving yourself and not in a position to help them understand anything. I lost my grandfather at 4 also, was very close to him, and did not attend the funeral. Much better I think. Also, a dead body in a casket really may leave a terrible image for them to remember.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you and your family are able to heal together.

I would allow them to attend the funeral part and not the viewings (unless they want to). I think it will be hard to keep them "entertained" all those hours while you are visiting with the other people/family.

I am sorry for your loss.

Between my husband and I we lost 3 parents in 8 years. Those were very tough years. My kids were very young for all of them. They attended the wakes but not the funerals. The grieving was too difficult during the funerals and I didn't want them seeing us sobbing uncontrolably. They were unfazed by the process of death at the time. We explained as best as we could for their age and they seemed to understand the fact that they wouldn't be seeing them again. They didn't have any issues later due to this. Use your best judgement. Only you know your kids. So sorry for your loss.