Dad That Doesn't Treat Kids the Same.

You might need to rethink marrying him. The children will ALWAYS be a part of the equation. And things never get "better" after marriage. If anything, they get worse. Don't mean to sound negative, just realistic.

I believe you when you say you are not yelling but I know that we as women do not need to yell to be a little harsh. When are the times that you talk to him about it? Is it right after something happened with the kids or after he does something "wrong?" That is not the best time to talk to him about it because he is already on the defense before you even say something to him. I would suggest picking a time that both of you are calm, and you bringing it up like.....

"Honey, i love you so much and I'm so happy to be marrying you. I have a few concerns that I really want to work out so we can have a better relationship......." then say everything really nicely, and avoid blame or making him feel like he is not a good father and purpose your ideas for a solution (you have to have thought about possible solutions yourself before this conversation).

If he still flips out before you even say something, tell him that this really means a lot to you and that you want to talk about it so you can both drop it and move on but that you will let him come to you to talk when he is ready later today (if you don't say TODAY he may wait for days then forget about it). If you guys have a good talk or figure out a solution DO NOT nag him about it or constantly bring it up unless you want to compliment him on his progress. No one likes to be constantly criticized. Honestly it also might have something to do with him feeling like maybe you put the kids feelings in front of his own. How has having a daughter that lives away from him make him feel? Does he feel like if he treats her better that maybe he'll make up for not being there as a father for her? He sounds stressed and doesn't know how to deal with it. So he over compensates.

As for practical solutions, maybe have a HOUSE RULES chart in the Living Room so EVERYONE knows what is acceptable and what is not. He then doesn't have to feel like a bad guy, and he can just point to the chart and say "It's the house rules guys, go to your rooms" or whatever you do for punishment.

Congrats on your upcoming marriage, Yay! I'm happy for you and I hope you guys get everything figured out. Relationships are the absolute hardest and most rewarding thing there is. My advice to you is always stay best friends with eachother.
Good luck!

any time a person gets defensive or angry it is because they are fully aware that what you are saying is true. he feels guilty. guilty for many reasons, i'm sure. she doesn't live with you, so special treats and time with the other kids are not shared by her. he didn't know about her so there was alot of bonding time missed. this child wasn't in his "plan" and i think he is having a hard time accepting the situation. it's almost like having a friend of your kids over for a sleepover, if the 2 get into mischief, you don't want to punish the kid that's just visiting, then he may think you are mean and never want to come back. i don't know what advice to give you, and i'm sorry for that. he may even be jealous that you bonded so quickly and so deeply with her first. maybe your husband and his daughter should spend some regular one on one time (daddy and me breakfast on saturday?) not being an authority figure for her is really going to hurt her future, especially if her mother is the way you say she is. you should be proud of yourself for loving her, for setting a good example, keep working on this and you may want to get a 3rd party involved, a family counselor, blending families is NOT EASY, but you can do it. God Bless You!!

Men seem to take a simple convo as yelling or complaining or worse. I have talked to my hubby about his mom and he says I am making him feel like he needs to choose between me and him. Technically he should have already done that when he opted to marry me but that's a different conversation all together. Anyway, I have 4 kids from 2 previous relationships, then we have an almost 3 yr old and a 1 yr old together. He doesn't have any kids from previous relationships, thank God! He is so mean and rude to my older kids sometimes, and they are my babies too- even if they aren't as cute as a baby and a toddler. So I know how you feel. Hugs!

This is more common that you know. It is called Disneyland Dad symdrome. the father tries to make up for the time he didn;t spend with his child or like in my case my husbands ex divorced him and then that took his kids away from him in a instant. she left him while he was at work one day and from then on he could only see his kids when the court says. We have had this problem our whole marriage of 6 years. Now we have 2 of our own. Many times he doesn;t even talk to my step kids with the same tone. He acts as if they are perfect and don't do anything wrong. After years of trying to convince him of this and many fights and threats of me leaving, he still will not ever raise his voice the those kids but will yell at me and our little girls and takes his stress out on us. The last time he did it I was serious this time, I said I won't raise our girls under this kind of treatment. I am 52 years old and couldn't have children and now I have 3 y/o twins by a miracle of God and yes they are mine by c-section no less. I told him, that we are his family and although they visit they cannot be to us what ours that live with us everyday are. I told him we deserve your best not your worst, we are here with you everyday through everything, you don't even talk to your kids in between visits. we have them twice a month on weekends and then every tues til 8:30. Believe me if you don't stand firm against this it will not stop when you are married. I personally would not get married until this is resolved and he sees a counselor that will help him see the damage this will do to the other children and the resentment that will grow in you eventually and I love my step kids too very much. They are 11 14 and 17 now but they were 4 7 and 10 when I came into their lives. AS ours have gotten older he is much better. It was really bad when they were babies and toddlers. He felt inadequate and had no experience with their age group, he was not a participating father the first go around thus the reason she divorced him, well one of the reasons, my husband too runs off like a 2 year old when confronted, it has taken me 6 years to figure out they only way to come to him is tell him how much it hurts me that he treats us different. I hope this helps gail

Maybe it can't come from you...could you talk to her mother about it or go to a family/marriage counselor/priest? Aside from any unfairness it might present to your kids that little girl DESERVES A FATHER, not a playmate/buddy. His misguided efforts to have her like him/want to spend time with him are somewhat understandable, but he needs to be reminded (by someone from whom he can accept such advice, because obviously it's not you right now) that what he offers as a DAD is more important in the long run than any short-term harmony his favoritism/lack of discipline might provide now. He is doing her a disservice and being unfair to all the kids, including her, by acting differently in her presence.

V., I know what you are going through. It's hard to be fair. I think your future husband feels like he owes her something, therefore, he doesn't want to discipline her. You may have to be the referee until he sees that this is not the way to go. You must stand your ground. He doesn't want to be the bad guy in her eyes. The other children will start acting out and notice, "Hey, when she's around we can do whatever we want." It will back fire sooner or later. Be careful not to say I told you so. She is young and she needs rule and regulation just like the other children. She will grow up being spoil and wanting her way all of the time, which will result in stealing, back talking and other things. It's better to get it under control now. Good Luck!!!

If you continue to get married with this situation the way it is be prepared to be the evil stepmother or a martyr.As the girl gets older she will likely manipulate the situation for what she wants.Your own kids will also resent you for choosing a man over them.DONT continue to expose your kids and yourself to this stress if he cant get his stuff together;even if he says it will be better and wants it to be better he might not be able to be fair with all the kids;sounds like he needs some major one on one time with his daughter.

You can't change him. He doesn't like the situation that his children, especially his oldest daughter, have inherited, so he makes up for it by being a pushover. When your stepdaughter is not there, he can pretend the situation doesn't exist, and function more like the dad he should be. If you don't like the clothes your stepdaughter comes over in, get her some clothes to wear at your house. It will get worse, not better. The little girl's mom will be influencing her dress and manners and attitude as she enters her teens, and there will be many things that cause trouble, even if your husband starts treating the all children same. Get married. You are setting a bad example for all of them.

you know having step children isnt easy i have one myself she 13 and she does live with her mother who totally raises her children different than the way my husband and i raise our three but i do love her just as much as i love my kids she has been in my life for 13 years her mother and i new each other when she was pregnant with her, and unfortunately things did not work out between her and my husband then. But Jordan does get the less harsh punishment when at my home . You have to think about her home life and how she is punished at home which she is not at all. So you just cant bring a child in even if she is like one of you own and expect her to fit right in usually my husband will take her to the side and tell her this is how we do things around this house and you have to abide in these rules these kids do and you will too. And about they she dresses is the same case . Have her a drawer full of clothes when she comes over to visit tell her mother to send her dressed and and you'll take care of the clothes while visiting and then send her home with the clothing she came in. What ever you do dont leave her out of the pictures in any instances . Just say a prayer be calm with you husband i know this is hard to do but try to talk with him when she is not there to avoid any conflict. Hope this helps.