Dad Back in the Picture...

My only questions is - who are you going to tell her who he is? Then if he does end up being consistent, how are you going to explain his new identification to her? You could end up with a lot of confusion on her part. So just be careful playing the 'he's not dad' card.

I agree with Luci's Mom, have a meeting or even two prior to her meeting him to get a sense of his sincerity.

I think you should tell her who her dad is, especially if shes been asking about him.

My 4 year olds father has done this a few time. The last time was a couple of months ago and it only lasted a few weeks. He would call my son but for some reason or another he wouldn't pick him up. He didn't want to play by my rules so he decided he wasn't going to come around anymore. And by my rules means I wanted him to be involved in his life. I wanted him to know where my son goes to school and daycare. I wanted him to buy my son a car seat for his car. That was really it.
I'd say wait as long as you can. I am all for the father child relationship and I do what I can to make it happen with my kids but when they are this young you really need to make sure they will be around.
My son still remembers and talks about his father-by first name- and one of his brothers.

It depends....does he pay child support? You can tell a lot about a person by how willing they are to financially support their children.

I know that this wasn't really the question...but does he have a legal right to see her? I wholeheartedly believe that children should see both parents, but sometimes one stable parent is in the best interest of the child.

My daughter is the same age as yours. Her dad has seen her less than 6 times in the last year. We live within 30 minutes of each other. At least half of those occasions involve me taking her to him.

We have a legal visitation agreement. Even though he has NEVER shown up on his designated day or time, I have not restricted access.

All that being said, if you haven't already, meet him in person to establish the parameters of the meeting. If you feel like he is sincere and willing to make a consistent effort, then I believe you should tell her right away. She is going to be confused enough without y'all intentionally adding to it.

On a side note, I always know when my ex husband has a new girlfriend...he starts coming around to see her and wants to take her for the night. He likes to show her off...he did the same thing when he was dating me. If only I had been able to see the writing on the wall!

Also, I would urge you to get a legal visitation and custody documented if you haven't already.

Good luck. I can honestly say that I know how you feel.

Andrea,
I went through a similar situation about a year ago. My daughter was 4.5 years old and her biological father contacted me on Myspace and asked to meet her. The last time he saw her she was six weeks old. I agreed to let him meet her. We went to his house and spent a few hours. He asked to continue seeing her. The meeting had gone so well and he seemed so excited to see her that I agreed. She and I saw him on a regular basis for a few months and it was alright. My little girl was having fun and enjoyed spending time with him. I introduced him to her using his name. She and I had already been talking about how God helped Scott put her in my tummy but then he decided that he wasn't the right man do the job of being her daddy (My fiance and I started dating when my little girl was 6 months old and that is her Daddy). So for her it was like putting a face to the name.
Anyway, after about three months of visits and phone calls, he called me and told me that I shouldn't put her in time out as a discipline and that he wanted to start making decisions on how to discipline her and I told him that I wasn't comfortable with him making decisions for her yet and that as her mother and person who has been loving and caring for her all her life I get the final say so on who makes decisions concerning her. Well he got angry and that was that. He was done and hasn't seen/ talked to her since.
So it never got that far with him. I wanted it to be a sure thing for her before I was okay with him having a parental role in her life. She knows she is made from him and I but I have never spelled out "Scott is your father". If he had been patient and really in this for my daughter and her happiness and shown he was here for the long haul (words are just that- words. I know that from experience with him) then yes I would have explained it to her and he would have been able to be a parent to her.
I think that it is good that you are allowing him to meet your child. And do whatever you feel you need to do to protect your child- your only concern is her in this. And you have to be comfortable with what is happening.
Lastly, my baby was very sad for a while after he stopped contacting her and asked about him a lot. I was just there to tell her how much she was loved and kiss her. I told her sometimes people just aren't able to be a part of our lives but that doesn't mean they don't love us. And I told her that Scott did love her but he just wasn't able to be in her life but at least she has some special memories of their time together. So, knock on wood, that it doesn't work out know that her pain will diminish and she will be alright. And no guilt (I had lots- that I made the wrong decision. But I didn't- he was the one who made the wrong decision. I did the right thing by giving her the chance).
Good luck to you. I hope it works out.
A.

I would be honest with her. Meet with him in advance and check him out. Also, you can keep the explanation simple with her. What have you been telling her now about her Dad? Take it slow but don't confuse her and when she does meet him she should know that she is meeting her Dad :)

try explaining it this way, " whats difference between a mother, and a mommy ? your mother is just that, your mother, your mommy is the one who tucks you in, changes your bottom and wipes your nose." most of the time your mother and your mommy are the same person, but not always.its the same thing with "fathers and daddies", your father is just that, your father, but your daddie tucks you in, changes your bottom and wipes your nose", this guy is your father, just that, whether or not is your daddie is up to him.that way if the guy decides not to stay involved with the child, the child isnt made to feel like its something they did or didnt do.
K. h.

A few thoughts...
•Support does not equal visitation rights, so I don't see how ithers factor that into the equation.
•Is there anything about him or his background that would render his visitation/relationship unsafe?
•I think, at 4, your child can hear a version of the truth.
•It"s almost always a good idea for a child to meet/know their father.