I am a 43 yr old single mother of a wonderful son who is 18 mths old currently. The father and I never married nor lived together and the baby was a "surprise" and to make a long story short, it's been a very tumultuous past couple of years with the birth father. He had to have supervised visitation when the baby was a newborn and for several mths after-wards due to his binge drinking and anger mgmt problems and more.. We went to trial last Nov. and I had very poor representation (Law Student) and I pleaded with the judge to keep the custody status quo (meaning I had sole custody) until we can establish a co=parenting relationship. The judge ruled Joint Custody/Guardianship. This just sickens me. I have been civil and fair and reasonable with the father but he has displayed many concerns for caring for the child. He returns him early to me stating he has bad behaviour. When I ask what that was? He said he was putting things into his mouth that he is not suppose to. This was when he was 14 mths old and teething. The guy is vengeful and angry at me ALL the time. He sends me threatening and insulting emails and recently he has asked for more time with the child as he lost his job and is working p/t. I have tried to discuss issues pertaining to our child with him and he flip flops with me all the time. At the time, it seems the discussion went well and then a week later, he forwards an email to me that he has contacted his lawyer stating that I am unstable and not meeting the interest of the child. I am currently seeking better legal council as I feel that we cannot co-parent and I would like sole custody and perhaps supervised visitation again. What is most frustrating is that even though this guy is very abusive towards me still (even a differnt judge told him he was being a jerk), the courts will not do anything unless he is a harm to the child. I do feel that in time he will hurt my son maybe not physically but emotionally. Has anyone had to go through this with their ex or the courts. Obviously I have more info but it's hard to write everything in this forum. He is paying child support and he see's him (court order) every friday 12-7:30pm and every other sunday 2:30-7:30pm. he has also been bankrupt, lost his job, physical with colleagues and the list goes on.
Again thank u to all of you who have given me such overwhelming (happily) information as to what to do. It is a very hard call and no one has a crystal ball. A part of me wants to keep my son completely away from him because of his track record and how he handles everything, even to this day. He blames everyone else for his problems. Yes, he has been to an Anger Mgmt course and a lot of good I think that did him? I'm being sarcastic. I have seen no change in this guy for the past 2.5 yrs. Also, when we were together for the short time, and I had problems with him attacking and raging at me, I went to his sister and she (at the time) was kind and gave me some interesting feedback. She told me that their father, the man we see today is not the quiet, unspoken man we see now. He had a huge temper. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I am very concerned that my son will pick up on his raging tendancies. Then.........there is this issue that my son does deserve both parents no matter how awful a person the other may be. I know from experience having my father leave at age 9 and mother saying horrible things about him and how I rebelled and hated my mother......only to find out years later, that she was quite right. It's not for her or me to make that judgement to our kids, it's up to our kids. Lastly, I do not know how much I can protect my son. All I can do for sure is be the best mom to my son and I tell him, even at this young toddler stage, that he can always come to his mommy and I will listen and be with him.
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Thank u to everyone for your wonderful responses! I have been in contact with a lawyer but because our court order states that we must mediate before returning to the courts, I am waiting to see what the father does ie: serve me with papers about the alleged contempt of court for changing daycares? If so, than I have a # for an excellent mediator and than if I need to proceed with Litigation, their company can supply me with one. So it's just a waiting game but life goes on now with my wonderful son. I'll keep you posted and I may be back for more helpful advice. Thank U
Dear J.,
PLEASE CALL ANNE HOWARD - SHE'S AN AWESOME FAMILY LAW ATTY IN CARLSBAD WHO WILL HELP YOU! HER NUMBER IS ###-###-####.
Blessings to you,
D.
So sorry. I have been in a similar situation. Document, photos w/date can be helpful. Any other person not directly involved w/case can be an eye witness to events, they can write it out, video it etc, but need to be willing to go to court if asked. The courts really do push 50/50 unless there is horrible situation. My ex had beaten one of our sons black/blue, but he still has 50/50. Have you gone to a mediator? We went to a psychiatrist also. It took 3 years to be done with it. He is better (still head games, but that does not matter to the courts, or appear to at least) but kids enjoy their time now more so than before. Good luck. Be there for your son, it is going to be a long road, and know that he loves you. Have you both gone to parenting classes? Has he done the anger management class? If he is in contempt of court, the only way anything will happen with that is if you file it. then you have a separate court date for that. I did not know I had to file, I figured it is the law you do it or they will reprimand or something, no YOU have to hold him to it and follow up on it. I could go on and on....but I think if you get a lawyer and ask ask ask....you will get the help you need.
One thing, my 16m at the time, is by far the hardest hit, did not want to go, did not know his father, and he use to come home urine soaked from chest to toe..literally, he is a very difficult child now, he is 7 1/2 and causes more trouble than all the other 5 together! He needs extra patience and love. Looking at the situation, I am sure he resents me for making him go and the trouble he had in the beginning...so be careful how you word things even when they are that young, be loving and understanding, any thing I can help with...e-mail me.
J.-
Document, document, document! Write everything down. Make sure you document dates & times. Try to write down exact verbage. Bring this to your new representation. This will work in your favor when seeking sole & primary custody.
J.,
My attorney is Noelle Halaby in Glendale and she is amazing. ###-###-####. I have had HUGE issues with custody and she has given me great advice about how to deal with maintaing a journal about issues and incidents. Over the last two years I have dealt with my son's Dad being a flip flopper and not being able to keep consistent decent behavior in decision making. No as serious as yours, but she helped me work out a plan to help us go to court with enough proof that we maintained the status quo. And, the judge ordered us to get counseling and seek therapy.
What you need to do is have someone who can speak up for you and knows the courts and judges. I was never married to my son's Dad and he was in and out for a year and then, decided to sue me for custody.
If you need to talk to you let me know!!
You are right to get a better lawyer. A good lawyer is a neccesity when dealing with someone like this.
In the meantime, document EVERYTHING(especially any threats)! Insist on only communicating by email, and save/print everything to take to court. See if you can find records of his work problems, bankruptcy, etc. to show the judge his record of instability.
Lately, the courts are almost always awarding joint custody... they think that it's better for the kids and that most adults will actually act like grownups. They seem to only award sole custody if you can prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the other parent is completely nuts, and unlikely to improve.
All you can do is gather as much evidence as possible and make a good case. A good lawyer will support you in this and do his/her best to make sure you and your child are protected. If he gets really nasty, think about filing a restraining order.
the courts in cali push for shared legal custody.that is actually the written goal. you need to document all of the dads behavior and hope that one day it catches up to him. you do need a good attny. even w/ a good one, there is only so much you can do. I have 4 kids and had to share custody and it was a nightmare. he would fight w me in the drs office and accuse me of overmedicating the kids (asthma, really?) and it got to the point they called child protective services. cps has been involved several times. Pray for you, pray for him, and keep doing the right thing, re of his behavior. thats what the court will expect. the court can't penalize him for being a dickhead, but they can hold child endangerment against him. so document, document. and be the best mom you can be to your son and don't let the dad get to you. It will then affect your family.
hang in there.
If you feel he is a threat to your child, call Social Services and report him. Let them investigate the type of child he is. He wont know it is you, unless you tell him. The well-being of this child is at stake and that is your priority.
DOCUMENT EVERYTHING, and print out his threatening e-mails as proof for your case. DOCUMENT anything anytime, so that you can use it to help your case.
so sorry you are going through this...
All the best,
Susan
omg im sorry you have to deal with this. what iw ould do is document everything. save and print the emails (even your responces). list everytime he brought your son back early and why. list abusive phone calls etc. also make note if your child seems to fight going with his father. i agree i think its only time before he starts to harm your son with the way he is to you. i think your doing the best you can and getting a better attourney is a great start!. good luck
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I know of a good family law attorney - Early Hawkins. He is a very nice man and from what I have seen a good lawyer. Not sure what he charges however a call to him couldn't hurt. ###-###-####
I pray that you are able to get this resolved quickly for your son AND yourself.
I grew up in sort of a similar situation. The big difference, both my mother and father thought the other was horrible and unfit, and neither really were. They had joint custody of me until I was about 4, and then my mother ran away with me. The FBI finally caught up with her 2 years later and my father was given full custody. Luckily, I had a good childhood, was better off with my father than my mother, and I still got to see my mother several times a year once I had turned about 8. My advice, don't run away, and don't speak negatively about your child's father in front of your child (or anytime your child may hear). Both of my parents took out their hate for each other on me (fighting over when they could see me and other ridiculous things, and bad mouthing each other to me), and it really upset me.
Hopefully you will be able to get the courts to see your side, maybe suggest that they do surprise inspections of his house while your son is there? If it is deemed an unsafe environment, that should help your case. Also, I'm surprised that he is allowed to have any sort of custody since he has such a bad track record, even if you have to pay more than you think you can afford for good legal counsel, do it. You don't want to deal with this until your son is 18, and it sounds like you have a really good case against him. Good luck.
Aloha J.
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going smoothly. While reading your post, I was wondering if you were keeping those e-mails he is sending you. They could add to your case to win custody.
Wow...I understand! You have to get a better lawyer. The thing that helped me the most was documenting everything, times he pick up and dropped off the kids, how the kids reacted before and after the visit (included how they are dressed, eating sleeping) Get a voice recorder and always speak to him over speaker phone so you can record how he speaks to you. You child seems to be young but you might look into some family therapy that way you can have a someone outside looking in that can give you a backup to how you child acts with him and can also be called for witness if you go back to court. Although I found out the hard way..don't mention that to the therapist b/c they don't like to go to court unless they have to. Let the judge or you lawyer order them to be there! That helped me alot! I have a good recommendation for lawyer in the San Diego area that not is a mother herself but is a family lawyer. As you know they are cheap but its your life and the babies life....well worth it. I feel for you, you have a long way to go. But God will keep you both safe and Dad will end up getting his pay backs:)
I can suggest a very special attorney Doug McKeague in Santa Ana. My husband and I used him a few years ago fighting his unstable ex wife and he was amazing. He has a great relationship with the judges and with the people at the courts, which I believe is very important.
You are in a very stressful situation, try to keep your feelings out of the conversations, be brief and direct. The more you complain or attack him the more you look like the bad guy ( or unstable in his eyes). Treat him as you would like to be treated and be the bigger person. Keep a detailed log of his visits, times, issues, etc. Keep all of his abusive notes, messages etc. You can get a restraining order if you feel threatened in any way. As your child gets older say only good things about him or nothing at all, no negative. Theres free counseling available at Saddleback Church, take advantage of it and get a support system! Your number one job is to protect your son and yourself! You will be in my prayers! Nana B..
You can find serenity and support in Al-Anon.
