Cussing

Please just re-revert. Talk to him like the you were being shown. A lot of times it works. Try to think calm and serene. The more I have tried that the more it becomes the reality.

What a difficult situation. The only thing I can give my opinion on is feeling like a hypocrite when punishing the kids. You should not feel bad about punishing them for saying bad things; it doesn't matter what other kids or adults are saying- they have to be punished if you want them to stop. I know it makes it more difficult when their dad is saying it but just stand firm with the kids. Good luck- hope this helps...

M.

I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough time. You know, your best and most powerful weapon is prayer. You also mentioned that you are going to church regularly. I would get the pastor involved. Not to lash out against your husband but for the pastor to reach out in love and talk to your husband. Name-calling is not acceptable and you can still correct/discipline your children for it even though your husband is doing it. Here are a couple of books that I would highly recommend to you by Neil T. Anderson: "Victory over Darkness" and "The Bondage Breaker". Please keep going in your marriage. You have God on your side - who can be against you? Keep praying for your husband and kids. You will see changes. A good prayer book is by Stormie Omartian called "The Power of a Praying Wife." It is excellent. I will stand with you in prayer for your marriage.

First of all you need to take it to the Lord in Prayer. Some churches offer counseling for free. Have you spoken to your minister regarding this issues?

Your husband is what we call a Sunday Christian. Puts on a good show for others then drops it by the wayside once away from the ones he wants to impress.

You can always resort to ignoring him. You need to explain to the children just because daddy is doing it doesn't make it right. The schools are very big on treating each other with respect, compassion, and being responsible for your own actions. This signs are posted in the hallways and believe me the teachers and administration in the schools take it seriously.

Some offices are and businesses are demanding the same type of verbal communication stops. You can be written up and eventually fired for non-compliance.

I don't know what type of insurance you have and if it covers counseling, I would check into it. Sounds like he needs some physcological evaluations and treatment.

Some of it can be stress related, you mention having to give some things up because of finacial reasons. He could be seeing himself unable to provide for his family, a failure. He sees the children continuing to receive counseling, therapy, and extras but is now unable to provide the necessary treatment you as a couple need to mend things. There may be problems at his job of which you are totally unaware.

You mention your son has some emotional handicaps and is ADHD. I have a 10 year old with ADHD, ODD, Aspberger's, and depression. There are times my frustration gets the best of me and yes, I revert to using language I know is improper myself.

Calling your husband down in front of the children is unacceptable. You need to talk to him calmly about how you feel at time when it is just the two of you. What you would appreciate him doing and not doing in front of the children and if he becomes verbally abusive then tell him you are willing to listen to him and his side but only if he is calm and reasonable then walk away. You need to do this in a calm, reasonable, and maybe romantic setting. Send the children somewhere for an overnight. Fix his favorite meal, light some candles, put on some soft music and then the two of you can talk to each other without interuptions.

We all forget one vital fact in the hectic world of work, housework, children, and familie---you and he fell in love and got married to each other. Your relationship with him has to come before all of the others. I saw a couple (parents of one of my closest friends growing up) together and they had a great system. Parent's hour. It was a nightly routine and they held to it regardless of where they were, how old or young the children were, and they maintained a healthy relationship until she passed away several weeks ago at 87. My husband and I decided when we started having some serious relationship problems to establish it as well. The time of night you give to strictly each other, and not in the bedroom, is very important. For one hour, just the two of you, sit down in the livingroom or kitchen with a cup or glass of your favorite drink. Ask about his day, what he would like to do over the weekend, a news artical or story, you can discuss your relationship with each other. The topics are endless the therapy for your marriage is invaluable because it is what you first had. The two of you, communicating, sharing, and keeping yourselves dedicated to each other. You don't argue, you don't fold clothes, you don't do dishes, watch television or listen to the radio and the children are absolutely not to interupt this time unless they are bleeding to death. If they appear in the room they are immediately sent out and back to their room if you try this while they are still up.

You can't control another person, you can control yourself. Remember what you learned in counseling and use those skills, education is something no one can take from you. Threatening someone makes them defensive and more abusive, not less. By threatening to contact the authorities you pushed a button, and believe me, he is pushing to see how far he can go before you attempt or make good on the threat. That is human nature. You have unleased a problem you need to resolve with him.

Frankly, if you really feel this is destructive for you and the children then you need to file for a legal separation and remove yourself and the children from the situation. It sounds to me like you are quickly reaching this point. It is better to take action while you are still calm and reasonable about it.

P. R

Your husband is not taking his religion seriously, or he would be working on not calling names and/or cussing. Don't waste your life trying to change him. If you don't like what he is doing, get out. Life is too short to waste it on a relationship that is not good for you.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I went through the same thing with my ex. We have two sons together. My ex has a bad habit cussing in front of my boys. My boys picked up words from him and said them to other people. They were small children at that time, and they didn't know what those words mean. But it surprised other people when my sons said those nasty words. It embarrassed me because I am deaf and had no clue that they were saying those words. Some people had to tell me what my sons were saying. I couldn't believe it. I had talked to my ex about it, and of course he denied that he cussed in front of our sons. It was so hard to live with him because he verbal abused me a lot. He named me many bad names and got in bad mood very easy. I even read a Christian book to help to make our relationship work. I tried and tried to make it work, but my ex seemed didn't give any effort to make it work. He didn't show that he cared to save our relationship. It ended up that we splitted up. It hurts a lot at first. It really affect my sons. It was back in 2002. I was surprised that I was very, very happy to be out of this relationship. It was not just for me, it was for my boys too. I don't want my boys to grow up to be like their father. I want my boys have respect for their future wives and children. I am married to a different man. He is very good model role for my boys. He doesn't cuss in front of them. He has been there for my boys and try to be a good example for them. We can communicate and agree what we should do to set example for my boys. I am very happy now. I am not saying that you should leave your husband. I suggest you to talk with your pastor to see if he can help like free marriage counselor. See if your husband is willing to make marriage work. Try to find what is his real problem and what is bothering him. Hopefully, it will work out. If not, it is probably best to get out of this marriage. Don't want to see your children to grow up to be like their father. Hopefully, it will work out for you.

What a dilemma. You could try something simple when he curses, such as saying "God is in this room with us. Please don't use that language." It could give him a new perspective. You could go up to him, put your arms around him and say "I love you, don't make me not like you." I don't know... with his temper will this help or will it infuriate him? The sad thing is you are stuck with this man, married or divorced, for the rest of your life. So something needs to be done to straighten him out so he doesn't make you and your kids (and ultimately himself)miserable.
You say your relationship was better with counseling. Unless you go to a very small church, there should be counseling available there, free or affordable. If small, your minister should be able to meet with you him or her self. Try your church. Or, if you explained the situation to the counselor, would they accept a reduced fee or see you for a shorter session or less frequently to save money?
Another thought. It is easy for people who are not Christians in their hearts to say they are in order to manipulate people. If he is truly Christian he should be ashamed to treat you in that manner, as the Bible instructs men to love their wives and treat them with respect. Get a Bible and point out the passages. If he is mouthing that he is Christian to appease or keep you but doesn't act like a Christian you need to know this so you can deal with him as a manipulating liar. Shocking strong words I know, but he can tell you he is a Christian and how the Bible tells you he is the head of the house in order to do whatever he wants and to keep you under his thumb. Has he always had a bad temper or is this recent? If recent, he may have mental illness, be going through a midlife crisis, or may be having or considering having an affair. The affair theory is strong. My husband, several of my classmates from school and two of my friends' husbands acted like your husband did when they were fooling around on us. They try to justify their actions by saying we are unworthy of them or drove them to it. You might want to check that out.
It is not hypocritical to tell the children they can't curse. They can't do other things adults do, such as drive cars, vote, or drink in bars, so have no qualms about not letting them use bad language.
I feel your pain when you say you don't know what is going on with his temper. He is an adult and should be able to control it. In fact, unless you are picking fights with himm on purpose, he needs to admit he is not a normal human. Home should be a safe, happy place for everyone, children and adults alike. He should give himself a timeout in this garage or bedroom or somewhere if he is feeling angry and can't or won't control himself. I am sitting up all night with my sick father and he needs me so I need to go. I will pray for you. Keep the faith.

I understand 10000000% where you are coming from. I live with the same type of husband. He just doesn't care to change his ways. And we can't make them. They have to want to change. So I'd say, for the kids, at least, explain to them that adults are responsible for their own words & actions, and that just because daddy says such & such, doesn't make it okay for them to say it. They are children and still have to obey the rules you set for them. As far as the counseling goes, I'd look into church counseling, where they may waive the fee, or reduce it for you, so that you can still go and try to repair your marriage. Most churches care more about saving a marriage, than the money aspect of it.

I know this isn't the advice that you are looking for, but I was in a similar situation... my husband was verbally abusive. As years progressed, it got worse. He couldn't just keep it at home anymore, he was also belittling me in front of our friends and family. We also tried counseling: marriage counseling with 2 different pastors, with a personal counselor, he had anger management counseling, had a doctor put him on welbutrin to try to mellow his moods, etc. But when it came down to it, he wasn't changing. By the time my boys were ages 7,5,and 5, I realized that this was not going to change. When I was at my last straw, he would try to do better... but it would slip right back like it always did. I made the very difficult decision to leave him and be a single mom of 3 small boys at the age of 27. I struggled with it horribly, but I knew that if I did not break the cycle now, my boys would grow up to treat their girlfriends and wives the same way as their dad. (my husbands father was even worse to his wife when my husband was growing up) Now he's with his new fiance... I hear he threw a table through her window. I'm so thankful it's not my window anymore. I'm now married to a man who would NEVER think of insulting me or belittling me. He loves and cherishes me, and my boys as well.

I'll be praying for you and your family. I know the pain your feeling, and there's no clear-cut simple answer for you.

Best of luck,
S.

hi my name is suzzie and i am a single mother of a 5 year old boy. i just read what you had to say and i feel for your situation. i used to live with my sons father and his brother who would compromise my parenting skills like your husband is doing with you. the only way you are going to be able to be the best parent for your children is to do what is best for you. if what your husband is saying to you is affecting how you are around your children then you need to possibly rethink the marriage. he is supposed to be your partner in this. you two are a team and when part of the team is working harder at the relationship and raising the children than the other then its easier to do by yourself. i raised two kids for almost a year that were not mine b/c their mother was mean would call them names and have nothing to do with them. the oldest had adhd and it effected him the most. keep strong stop before you say anything that would be close to name calling or just mean. its hard i know ive been there. but now that i am doing this on my own i find it so much easier and my son has benefited from this. stick to what you know is right in your heart and take some action. im here if you need to talk....just remember your children come before anything or anyone else.

Talk to your pastor about counseling. My grandpa is a pastor and he does it for free.
About punishing your kids for bad language...you still need to do it. If you just let it go because you feel hypocritical they're gonna think it's OK. I've recently moved in with my parents while my husband was awyay at boot camp and my dad is very messy. My boys get in trouble for their messes even though they see my dad doing the same thing. Now they're actually telling HIM to pick up. Kids understand a lot more than we give them credit.

Hi C.:

Relationship work/ marital issues surely is tough stuff. Always a work in progress, for me. Nonetheless, name-calling is painful, inappropriate, and a cry for help.

The big question I hear from your post is: "How do I get him to hear me?" We women and men communicate so differently and have a dichotomy of various needs. I love the book "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus" to consult for how to support our men in communication. Although it is not a biblically based book with scripture infused throughout, I read it with the Lord's voice (as God gives us gifts through many means, sometimes secular even). It's a simple read and it's fun to learn how differently the sexes work in relationship. Dr. Gray (author) gives practical understanding of how and what we say and do encourages (or discourages) our partner. Speaking and understanding "man talk" (and vice versa) is like learning a foreign language. When we understand the language, communication barriers are released.

Blessings, M.

hey C.

am glad that you r hang in there when it must seem liek ur in the mist of a storm but i didnt see any were in your letter that you prayed bout it that your prayed for your husband to have understanding,I was told when I first got saved that when we try to comtogather with our spouse and try to fix our problem the devill is right in the middle pushing us aprat but if we both run to God we develop a closer and loving relationship with God we also draw closer and more loving to our spouse when God is at the head of our marriage n problem is to big or small for him and when your run down and tried let him carry u throught this am mean ur u and mom and wife and you work and then you spend time with God, try to spend some of your down time more with god reading not just the bible but any thing that will givie u more of him u might feel refreshed i tryed it and it worked for me and i know all bout red heads my bother has lil girl that one so i know what you mean try talking it out if it seem like you cant talk write it down and give to him and leave it to Godtell him bout itI hope this help Oh and i have been reading a bout u might like its called famous lovers in the bible, by doug and BJ jensen its bout marriage buiding and learn from there relations ships i hope it help and stay blessed

Wow! I feel like I've just read my life on here. My husband is the same way! So hateful so mean when he's angry and it used to be just towards me but it is starting to happen to my 7 yr old ADHD son. My son tried talking mean to me - and I asked him do you like it when daddy talks to mommy that way? His answer was no (he always tries to take up for me when daddy is yelling) and I said then you don't EVER talk to me that way. You break the cycle - and even when daddy is on his tirade I say to my son - never EVER talk to anyone like this especially a woman! Daddy is very wrong right now. Which probably doesn't help the situation - but sometimes it does wake him up enough to hear what he's saying.
I to am a Christian woman - and I believe God will change my husband and that my husband will some day be saved too.
Keep hanging in there... tonight when you lay down... say to him let's talk - let;s use some of the stuff we learned in counseling. I know it'll be scary - like walking off a cliff - and he may say no and he may think you are stupid - but pray first and God will give you the courage and the words.
Something else I've started in my home is stopping the name calling when we are joking - ya know like poopbutt and silly names. I make us say I'm sorry and I remind them that home is supposed to be our safe place, the place where we can be ourselves and not be made fun of. It actually has seemed to help. I'll pray for you - and I ask that you will please pray for me.
thank you!
H.

Boundaries!!!!!!!!
Blessings,
S.

Wow this is tough to hear. BUT, unless you want to raise two children just like him and have your self esteem taken away along with theirs, something has to be done. My first thought was therapy, which sounded like it was working. Finances are a problem, but this is your life.
I guess if were me I would leave the room and refuse to talk to him when he gets like this. Does he have an EAP (employee assistant program) which most companies have in place for employees free of charge.
Or find counseling at a cheaper rate.
It would be hard to leave him with two kids, but you could as a last resort have him leave until he understands this kind of behavior is not going to be tolerated.
I am sorry you have to go through this, but you MUST take your power back and do something about it. Don't live like this. Life is too short. He is not respectful and not teaching his children respect so you must teach him one way or the other. Good Luck. You will be in my prayers

First I will be praying for you both. Second, checkout marriagerestoration.com website for advice and/or Women of Passion on EZboard. Email me if you can't find it.

Without revealing too much here, I went through a terrible thing with my hubby last year but the Lord used it to bring me closer to Himself and to mature me spiritually. I had much to learn about being a Godly wife/person. Things are still a bit rocky but much better. Rely on Biblicial truth, find a mature Godly woman to counsel with, and pray!! I would not consider separation or divorce unless I were sure I had done all that the Lord had directed me to do. Be careful about taking advice from people who do not know the Lord. His ways are not the world's way and marriage is a covenant relationship.

Unless alcohol or meds are involved, my situation is similar, but different. My suggestion is to talk to your Pastor (it may be hard to do), and see what he suggests.

I read a bunch of the other suggestions that offer good advice. My husband used to do the same thing until he was treated for depression. Google "men and depression" to see if the descriptions fit. We were in counselling too and the counselor did NOT pick up on his depression. Within a week of him seeking treatment, things greatly improved. It's an every day battle to fight depression. Maybe there is a deeper reason for him acting like this. Whatever that reason may be, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!! Good luck!

I would recommend that you seek some Godly counsel on this. Is there a pastors wife or lady in the church who you could ask to meet with? They could give you some free advice and encourage you and pray with you. It is hard in a marriage when you grow up with different morals and values. Be proactive and intentional about devising a plan that you and your husband can devise together to give your children stability. It sounds like he has some heart issues he needs to deal with and you must realize you cannot change him, the Lord is the only one who can so do a lot of praying. Have the trust and faith in God that He can change his heart. May the Lord be your strength when you are weak. He is close to the brokenhearted. May His face shine on you and give you peace about this situation.

Oh C., how miserable you must be yet how strong you have been.

I would normally not suggest something this serious, but have considered separating or divorce? By what you describe, the man you married does not respect you and has very dysfunctional ways of dealing with things and it does not sound like you can change him. He is abusive. If he won't clean up his act for the sake of the kids at the very least, he only loves himself.

I come from an "unbroken" home, but my husband does not. And, I must say that my mother-in-law made the right decision when she divorced his Dad. Without going into too much detail, sometimes divorce IS better for the kids. I believe my husband is an excellent role model, nurturer & caregiver to our kids. He is calmer-natured than I'll ever be, and understands who is father is and knows not to follow in his path because he saw what other great male role models he should follow (uncle, step-father, teachers, etc). When we had our first child, my husband had an even stronger opinion about his dad, because he now could not understand how is dad could do the things he did to his family.

Although you may be against divorce or it is not acceptable in your religion, the things you are concerned about are very justifiable reasons. Please talk to you those who are close to you to see if they could help out in some way should you take that step. If they know who your husband really is, I am sure they'd be willing to help.

God bless you and I'll pray that you quickly find the best solution for your family, whatever that may be.

Hi C.,
I am sorry for what you are going through - I have been through it myself and I know how hard it is. Some people have said that you need to set boundaries, let him know it is not acceptable, etc. I disagree with this - he is a grown man, and you say a Christian, so he should already know this is unacceptable behavior. In addition, you have been to counseling, so you already have let him know its not OK. If he continues this behavior it is because he has no intention of changing, and does not feel it is wrong. My guess is he will never change. You need to decide if when your daughter has grown up, it will be ok for a man to treat her this way. If it is, then I guess you should stay.
I decided to kick my now ex husband out when we had a 2 1/2 year old and a baby on the way. Some may say its hard, but if you look at a different way, it is much easier! It was not hard for me because I was so much better off without him!! I could actually focus on being a good mom and creating a safe environment for my kids. I realized after he left how negative and bitter I had become, and I was not a productive employee. I was able to change all of these things when I was no longer being verbally and emotionally abused. I wish you the best

hi! so sorry to hear about all of this...have you tried the Vineyard Columbus (in westerville, on cooper road). i know they have *free* counseling that is given by semi-professionals (otherwise you would have to pay for it; most have backgrounds in counseling or are going to school to become counselors/therapists/etc). call them! as a former social worker, i do agree that you & your family are being verbally abused. i was once in an abusive relationship for 3 years & the things that are said to you will linger for life. your husband needs to stop this & as a christian hubby (i am also a christian), there is no excuse for him to be treating his wife this way (there's no excuse for ANY husband to treat his family this way, or anyone else). if you would like to talk with me privately about this, i can speak with a close relative who is the director at a family violence coalition in columbus (& who also worked at CHOICES) who could find other counseling/therapy options or just might be able to listen & offer more professional, up to date advice (i'm a stay at home mom now).

if those are avenues you don't want to pursue, have you talked with your pastor about it? most churches, if they are a certain size, the pastors offer free counseling & it would also be good for your pastor to know what's going on so he or she can offer their help to you & your kids & your husband.

It is time to get out. It seems as if you have put more work into this relationship without any response from your spouse than any reasonable person should have to do. Would you want someone talking to your daughter the way your husband talks to you? Do you want your son treating others this way? Your children are learning from everything they see in their environment.

Your husband is not only verbally abusing you but also your children! I would tell him how it is. He can stop with the destructive, abusive behavior or you and your kids will walk. To keep them there being abused would put the blame just as much on you as it would on him. Your first priority is to those kids. If they are not safe whether it is from physical or verbal dangers, it is your job to protect them.
Also, you mentioned that you go to church. You might speak with your pastor and tell him what issues you are facing. If nothing else, I'm sure he would be happy to say a prayer with you. I hope things turn out the way you want them too, for you and your family. Shannon G.

Your husband needs to see his doctor. ADHD is a mental issue and it's possible that he has inherited it from his father. If your husband has control issues and is being verbally abusive, getting on the correct medication should help. If he refuses, it will only continue or escalate. Stress triggers a lot of different reactions in people and financial issues are very stressful. If he refuses to see a doctor then you will have to decide if you want to stick around and have your children treat you as badly as your husband already does.

Believe me the verbal asuse never stops. I say run and don't look back.

Hello, I dont have alot of information on ADHD, but I sm a nursing student and recently found out about an organization called NAMI (National Alliance For the Mentally Ill). I know the term "mentally ill" is a strong term that many can be offended by, but NAMI holds support meetings as well as could offer other information about this subject. Im not sure if they offer individual counseling, but I bet they would have ample information about other resources. This is the web address for Indiana : www.namiindy.org. I also found a child and teen support link on there as well. It is free to sign up. I hope this might open a few doors for you.

I hope you are not running down the same road that I did 4 years ago but I went thru the same thing tho I found out that he didn't have the nerve to leave me cause he found someone else, so instead he did everything else to make me mad at him hoping that I would kick him out so he wouldn't look so bad to everyone else. Like I said I hope and pray for you and your family this is not the case for you, but don't be blind and DON'T blame yourself.
But I have to tell you that he realized the grass was not greener on the other side. After being apart for a year and 6 months he came back to talk with the Lord in his heart and we are better now than we have ever been, he always tried to tell me that he believed but I truely seen the Lord in him afterwards, but it is very hard to deal with forgiving and forgetting with out help, but it can be done. With God all things are possible

First of all don't degrade yourself by stooping to his level. and don't act like a Christian just be one and all the good will come out naturally. The power of prayer is amazing, pray for your spouse and be kind to him. Yes it will be hard to do but by being kind to him you are heaping coals on him. I'm sure I don't know all that is going on but start in small steps and let God do the rest.

Is it possible that your husband has what your son has? He may be dealing with an undiagnosed issue too that has never been diagnosed. As an adult I realize that our parents did not teach us coping skills. Counseling is very important. GO to your church and see what they can offer. There are churches that have pastors that do that. I don't know what denomination you are but I would seek help from your pastor.

C., I just got done reading a book called "Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's helped me tremdously in understanding my mate. I didn't realize we all had different love languages. Of course first is my Bible and I'm in that everyday, and alot of prayer. Everyones situation is different. I just know I still feel pain and regret over divorcing my last husband. I still love him and pray for him that he finds GOD again someday, I have forgiven him. I don't want to keep repeating the past with just different men. I want to just stand by one and love him. I ask GOD change me so I can help him see your light in me, and the love I have for him. I grew up in an abusive home so yes that has tainted all my relationships. In CHRIST I am a new creature. Bless you, I will keep your family in my prayers.
Love-in-CHRIST, L. S

Does your church/pastor offer counseling services? Maybe you could look into it and possibly do it free. You have to get him plugged into the program or your kids are going to model what they see and that would sadden me to see that happen to you. Is he willing to go back to counseling? It is unacceptable for him to treat you this way and especially doing it in front of and to the kids. You are worth more than that!! Talk to him about counseling and lay out all your concerns and see how he responds. Base your next move on how cooperative/understanding he is about your needs and concerns. Good luck.

Dear C. E.; I feel your pain and offering this advice. I have two married son's who also do this. THEY saw their father do this (we divorced) my youngest just divorced, and frankly, I am glad they did 'cause the arguing, name calling were taking a toll on my grdkids (ages 13 and 15) and my daughter-in-law. I told her to leave him for the childrens sake... my grdkids became very depressed and school grades started failing. Not just that but the 15 yr old boy wld. try to hit his mother, cuss her and shove her...he was just doing what his role model (Dad) was teaching him. I am still close to my daughter in law and see my grdkids often because they DO need BOTH sets of grandparents in their life. Do what your head tells you, for the sakes of the children...BTY my grdkids are much happier now and they even have a better fathher/child relationship. Good Luck dear. "Sis"

Have you checked with your church? My husband is a minister and he counsels people as part of his job (there is no charge). I also suggest a Men's Bible Study or Accountability Group for your husband. You can't make him go but if he is interrested that would be a great way for him to work through his emotions so he can quit taking it out on you. My husband and I also went through a class together called "Dynamic Marriage" or "His Needs, Her Needs" It is based on a book by Dr. Willard Harley. There is a fee for this but nothing compared to therapy. It may not be at your church but sometimes these classes are better with people that you don't know. The website is http://www.familydynamics.org/

if you'd been in counseling for a year, and he has fallen back that quickly to the old ways, I say no amount will do what you want it to.
I think it is time to get rid of a guy that is soooo cruel to you and your children. It is difficult enough to raise children, but with disabilities it is 100 times worse.
Your husband is only doing more damage and you have enough to contend with.

I don't really have any advice about the situation with your husband, but I can understand where you're comig from because I sometimes find myself in the same boat. What I do about my kids being mean or calling names is this: If they call someone a name or say something hurtful to someone, then I make them say so many nice things about the person they were just mean to. My 5 yr old has to say 5 nice things, my 4 yr old 4 nice things, etc. They may not repeat/reword a nice thing that has already been said. It seems to help, the first few days I started this (it's only been abuot a month) they were saying as many 4-5 mean things in one day, we have gone to having up to 2 days without one single mean thing being said! YAY :) If the kids say a bad word, which has been known to happen, I tell them once that it is a bad word and if they say it again, I wash their mouth out with soap...that's what my parents did with myself and my sister.
Good luck.