I carefully chose not to have children. However, I was a devoted teacher for many years. I have been blessed to have many of those students still in my life and so, I have "mothered" kids in a different and very rewwarding way for myself.I have no regrest for this choice!
Recently,one of my students who I taught years ago and is now in her 20's.... who comes from a different culture, was crying over a very challenging situation. She asked for my opinion:
She's been told that she is slated to be married in one year to a man that her parents feel is a suitable life partner. It's a very strange choice for those of us born in Amercia! But, it's a real tradition based on cutural expectations and traditions that HER parents have been conditioned to believe is their responsibility.
Having lived in America from age 12- 24, HALF OF HER LIFE HAS BEEN ACCULTURATING TO THE AMERICAN WAY OF LIFE. Yet, her heart and soul remains with her parents, her devotion to them, her knowing what they have sacrificed to give her a good education and a better future.
For the last three years, she has been in a growing and warm friendship with a man she met in her studies. He has the same issues as his family is from the same culture. They love each other! His family has met her and totally love her supporting their son to ask her to be his wife.
When she told her parents about this, she was told that if she doesn't do as they want for her, she will lose them in her life.They flatly refuse to meet his parents of him!
To us, this seems harsh, but to that culture, it's what happens.
She has asked me what I think she should do?
That is my question. Do I support her to make choices for herself, knowing there will be real consequences that could mean she has no family, or encourage her to keep her connections to her family and culture.
I think she needs to make the choice. Not have you tell her what to do, especially if you are not from her background. Listen, be supportive in her choices, and try to let her work out her own decision. I think that's what a "mother" should do anyway. I wish her good luck. What a terrible situation to be in. J.
I would say to her that since her parents brought her to this country and raised her as such. They would have to think that being taught here that we have freedom and she may want the same. That she should marry whom she wants to. Parents may not like it for a while, but, your children are your children. They will understand or at least accept it after a while. We are a changing world and if the girl believed as strongly as her parents do about her religion and customs. She wouldnt be having any questions.
Getting away from this question I am disabled and unable to hold a traditional job, I was just wondering what kind of work at home business you do. We are moving back to Michigan in less than 60 days as its cheaper to live there. I would love to do some kind of work from my home. I feel like my soc sec checks dont cover my part.
Thanks,
Jack
my email is ____@____.com if you wouldnt mind giving me your stay at home job secret.
This is a tough one. The parents sent her to America to have a better opportunity in life but, they still cling to their traditions of doing things. While this may be acceptable to the parents, they forgot to consider one thing. That is, when you expose your children to another way of life, that philosophies also change and traditions get changed or modified. She has been a good daughter as far as I can tell from your letter except, for wanting to follow in her parents choice for a mate. I would encourage her to follow her heart. If the person who she is in love with is willing to walk with her despite what her parents wishes are,she will have to accept her parents decision. She will have a family, the one that she lovingly creates with her new family and the children she may eventully have. I feel sorry that this girl's parents would allow the choice of a mate to end a good relationship but in the end, she has to live with the choice she makes. Wheter she chooses to marry someone she does not know to please her parents or marry someone she chooses.
The last paragraph in your post has the only feasible answer to your dilemma. All you can do is exactly what you have been doing, pointing out to her the pros and cons of her choices.
She is in a difficult position indeed.
There are quite a number of cultures were arranged marriages are the norm. Some cultures have a more flexible attitude towards a child not following with traditions and parental expectations on this matter. As you do not mention her actual origin, it is impossible to determine whether down the road there would be any forgiveness for her "disobedience". Anyone who suggests that mother and daughter can eventually mend the rift, is simply speaking from our own western, American perspective. In some cultures, she could lose communication with her parents forever, as she might be considered by them as having died.
Culture is a potent component in a person's psyche. Although growing up in the US many young people initially abandon their parents' ways, once they hit middle age they start reverting to the formation they received as children. At that point, many decisions made earlier on in life come to be regretted. Your young friend hasn't reached that stage in her life yet, but she stands a good probability of getting there. If the marriage should not work out for whatever reason, she has alienated her family and will feel immense regret. On the other hand, if she marries someone whom she does not love, she will be very miserable, especially since being surrounded by people of American/western ideas, she will have very little if any otside support for having done things her parent's way.
She needs more time. Even seemingly impossible things can change with time, perhaps even her parents. If her parents are not staunch, they might eventually come to accept that she will do things her way, or, she may herself come to realize something different about what she wants to do.
Another very risky but possible option would be for her to talk with the parents of the man her parents intend for her to marry and tell them the truth. This may create a terrible uproar, but at least then his parents will oppose their son marrying someone whom they will consider unreliable and scandalous. Just a thought....
The best thing you can do is to continue to let her know that you will be there for her no mater what she decides. The fact is that although you can not understand or share in the dictums of her culture, love is a universal language, and one that she is going to need to be spoken to in the near future, no matter what she does.
There's a lot of great Indian movies on this very subject, LOL
Dear M. D,
I would suggest your student talk to her boyfriend's parents to see if his Mother could call her Mother and have a talk heart to heart. Maybe that way her Mother and Father will see how both families culture and traditions are alike and their culture will continue within the family.
Maybe her parents feel that they know their future son-in-law and his family might have the financial means to provide their daughter a better future. Does her boyfriend's family has the same financial means?
I would suggest go with her heart. Does the boyfriend's family have the emotional support to stand by her? That's if she is disowned by her own family.
If she does go with her heart and disobeys her parents, does she feel in time her parents will come around? Is she their only child?
It's not like she is disowning her culture.
I wish her the best!
Keep me posted.
G. H.
Every family, may they be American or from Asia, the Middle East or the Caribbean, will adopt the traditions of their culture based on their grandparents and parents culture.
In those times there were fewer choices to make because they built an infrastructure based on their belief. Religion has much weight when they decide their future because their values on based on it.
It is true she must respect her parents, it is true that sometimes we break our ties because we want to make our own choices and sometimes they just don’t work out and then we feel sorry for all lost but today, tomorrow and always one is responsible for ones choices and if this choice is based on the slightest possibility of happiness then one should risk it and hope that someday they are able to understand.
This young girl loves someone whom the parents do not want to meet even though he is from the same culture. Then it’s just not only about marrying in their culture!
She should evaluate if she really loves this man and if he has the potential to make her happy by respecting her and allowing her to grow in her faith, as a woman and as a professional.
If he is capable of loving her and if her in-laws also agree then she has adopted a new family and her parents will someday understand it was true love.
If all goes well then someday she will be able to walk back into their homes with their grandchildren and they will understand how the love of children bind!
IMO- you can't really give her any advice except to say that you will be supportive of any decision she makes. Growing up is very difficult, no matter the culture, and separating from one's family is a decision no one can help make.
Tell her that this is a life-changing decision. She will be the one to live with the consequences so only she can make the choice.
This is probably not helpful in the way you hoped. Anyone who loves a young adult (or child) wants to help shield them from hurt. But this is real life for her. And she'll have to choose and live the life she chooses.
You can continue to be a shoulder so she has someone to talk it out with. Help her follow her own intuition by helping her listen to herself when she speaks to you.
Good luck.
Wow this is really hard but I would definitely tell her to follow her heart.This guy that she is in love with is in the same culture.I respect everyones believes but I think that parents take it to another level doing this to there kids.Which by the way I have two girls I would never put my daughters under this kind of stress life is so short.Kids need to grow up and be on there own and make mistakes so they can learn from them.I wish you and that girl the best of luck.:)
M.,
I have several friends from India who had arranged marriages and yes, it is a foreign concept to us Americans. However, it is a cultural thing that is still widely accepted in India. For some, it seems it is becoming a little more modern in the way they go about it these days. My friends were given choices with whom they wanted to pursue from their parents, not just one choice. Is it possible that your friend could explain to her parents that while she respects the tradition, she would like her friend to be among the choices? Therefore, requiring them to at least have a look at him and his family. Social, economic, and social standing have a lot to do with it. If he is in the same "class" as her or higher, that can be a good selling point to her parents. They may warm up to him if they know more about him and his family.
This is such a difficult situation for women that are from one culture and living in another with different cultural norms. I am sure she feels torn and does not know what to do. My heart goes out to her. I pray that her parents would have mercy and do what will be best for their daughter living in a foreign land.
Blessings,
S.
If she and the man are of the same culture I would ask his parents whom already accept her to attempt contact with her parents..................maybe she could appeal better to her mother alone instead of the father, I would tell her what to do either way, I would only give "suggestions" Good luck
Dear M.,
I feel how difficult this is for you in not knowing how to best support your young friend.
If I were in your shoes, I would encourage the girl to make every possible, respectful and gentle effort to approach her parents and to be patient. She is so very fortunate that the man she is CHOOSING is from her culture and that his parents are seeing the light. This makes her much more lucky than many, but it also can cause her parents to feel even more cornered. So she must be gentle in her persistence and try not to push the young man's parents at them too hard. I understand her motivation for wanting them to meet and also for her to have that support, but I think it is probably of more value at this time for her to approach her parents alone, gently and repeatedly. Perhaps she can impress on her parents that she still embraces her culture and loves them as much as ever, but that her heart has made a choice and would break if she had to ignore it.
At the end of the day, if she does marry without their support, if I were in your shoes, I would continue to coach her to make every effort to keep her parents aware of her life. I would hope for the parents to receive some piece of mail, photograph, etc. on a very consistent, say monthly, basis. I would predict that if this happens from the very beginning, and especially through the nine months of her first pregnancy, a grandchild may bring a thaw. And then, I would recommend that she offer to come alone to bring the child at first. Of course, she should send them every invitation to every family celebration but not to make that the only option. I would pray that when she first comes to them on her own with the baby that the thaw will begin and over time they will welcome the son-in-law, too. The parents-in-law may always be a challenge for them and she must be sensitive to that!
I hope this helps. You are doing a wonderful thing to support her in this painful time, and it can't be wrong for her to CHOOSE her future!
: )
I would say support her in her choice. she knows her relationship to you and can weigh it's value as is. Mothers never give up their daughters. She will continually throughout her life keep contact with her mother however she can. Her efforts need never end. If her mother is unavailable to her so be it. I think she must remain calm, take responsibility for her own life and keep connected to her family through written correspondence at least. a married woman is her mothers equal. Never stop loving and pass along your love and memories to the next generation. As her friend and teacher and substitute mother you can feel good supporting her in her informed choices.
This is a very hard decision to make on that young lady's part. Yet, she is an adult and therefore able to decide on her own. Since the young man's family accepts HER, she has one part of the problem already solved. Her parents should have acculturated by now, as she did.By all means, support any decision she makes, that's what parents and friends should do.
I have been an international educator for 15 years and have worked with thousands of international college students in three major U.S. universities. This story is more common than most of the respondants realize. Many of the respondants hoped that the parents would "come around" and even encouraged the romantic ideal that a grandchild provide a solution. While this is the happy ending that we would all like to see in the movie about this, I have to STRONGLY disagree from what I've seen in my career.
If the parents tell the child that she will be disowned, then they are probably quite serious about that. If this woman were to come to me in my international office, I would let her know that I've seen many situations over the years where the woman chose to marry against her parents' wishes and she was cut off - forever.
As a mother myself, though, I have to say that the role of moms everywhere is to raise our children to the best of our ability and then let go. We have to encourage our children to make the "best" decisions based upon their upbringing and pray for them. When our child makes a decision, whether we like it or not, our role is to be supportive, listen, and continue to pray. It is not our place to make decisions for them. As adults, we have to make our own decisions, and live with the consequences.
Best wishes to you and your "daughter".
She should respect her own wishes. She is an adult and her parents chose to live in America. What did they expect. She is Americanized.
