Cuba Mom Seeking Advice on Teenager

sorry to hear about her situation and it's a great responsibility that you are taking on. since she's 15 try to look at her as someone else who can help out as being a role model and big sister. look into helping her find classes and things to do that will help her find friends.
you can do it

Hi H.,
It is really rough being a young girl so out of place. Remember that as much as you try, she may not settle for some time. She may even resent you for not being her mother at some point. She will need to really feel like she can be herself, and she may be confused as to if she still is herself, what with all the sudden changes. She feels lost, confused, unsure of herself and her future. Let her know that you're aware that this is a hard time for her amd that you would like the chance to be there if she thought she needed a friend. Dont treat her like a baby, she's doing alot of growing up right now. At the same time she needs to know that its okay to not be so tough, you have to create that level of acceptance. Dont push, you'll push her away. This will not be an easy task, but you can do it if you put yourself in her shoes. Tell her that you are afraid she wont like you, tell her you are nervous about doing this right, too. You're the adult, the ball is in your court.
Good luck!

Wow, what an adjustment. I have two teenage sons myself. Since you haven't been able to "ease" into the teen years as you would with your own, instead you've just had one land in your lap, you'll need a lot of patience. Be involved in her life, meet her friends, get to know her by spending time with her without your other 2 kids with you. Build up a working level of trust and mutual respect. She should have chores and rules just like your other two, but she also needs independence as well. Discipline will be different than with your other kids as well - age appropriate. And most importantly...PICK YOUR BATTLES! Not everything is worthy of a fight. You'll need to let her learn who she is, so allow her to make some decisions, but not all. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

You have done a very courageous thing, and it's great that you already understand the two ages are very different from each other. I moved in with my dad and step mom when I was 16 and my oldest brother was 10. We were very different, but I resented that they expected us to be so much the same. We had similar chores, but I was taking honors classes, and working. I also was expected to babysit for their 3YO and newborn several times a week so my SAH step-mom could go the grocery store and so they could go out. Understand that with age comes responsibility and privilege; however my curfew was early, if I was allowed to go out at all, and all my responsibilities prevented me from being able to get involved in activities that would have gotten me into the universities I wanted to go to. Teenage girls also need a lot of talking with, understanding, and camaraderie, especially if she is changing schools. If you can help her to become involved in activities (sports, theater, volunteering, etc) she may make friends, and you will know she is not getting into trouble. If you have any other questions, or would like to talk, please feel free to contact me. Good luck!

Hi H.-
It's me again. Think of her as your child, remember how you felt when you were 15. Factor in the language and the death of her mother. Get her counseling that includes you part of the time; make sure that the counselor is able to speak a variety of spanish that she understands. Love her and care for her; she is still a child. Don't push, just be there for her. Remember that she is older than your other children, but don't allow her to go wild. You still have to know where she is at all times, who she is with, etc. Your husband will be able to tell you what was expected of her in Cuba. Modify those slightly- but she is to be a good Cuban girl. See if you can find other Cuban emigrants to be her support group in this new land. Have it be mostly female. S.

First, I have asked my social worker friend to get me a resource list for your county.

Until that comes later today, I wanted to offer these bits of advice:

Don't do this alone! Call the local high school, have them give you advice and referrals to mental healthcare providers, case managers, etc. Call her doctor and have them do the same.

Have you had her in for an evaluation or checkup on her overall wellbeing (physical and mental)? If not, do so ASAP and discuss you concerns openly with the doctor either with her in the room or not. Doctors will even give you excellent parenting advice.

Google parenting teenagers with deceased parents for ideas.

Where's the dad? Can he help?

It sounds very hard...time must be allowed for grief and adjustment. I believe one of the hardest issues will be for both her father and you to keep or develop a strong bond with her. I do not know how strong her relationship was before, with her father, but I hope it is good or getting better now. You are a newcomer, but ideally she should be able to bond with you as time goes on, and she sees the good that her father exhibits, in you.
One of the hardest things in this day and age, is the competition peer culture (local and commercially marketed) to the strength of the family. All kids, from pre-schoolers to teens, can "fall out of love" with their families and become obsessive about spending time with friends...even friends who hurt them, or draw them to negative attitudes and behaviors.
It is important for parents to make sure that the rock of their kids' life is them or other trusted, dedicated adults, not immature friends. I would make sure that your step daughter knows she has unconditional love from her father and you, and that she feels connected to you...even if that might mean "picking" her friends, keeping her busy with family activities, making her feel she contributes to the family in some way. We all like to be important and feel like we matter.
Good luck

many pats on the back and may future hugs from me to you. you will need them. first ofall, make sure she is getting some type of greif counseling. if she doesnt have another person that she can talk to besides family, and if the freif isnt dealt with, you wil have a monster at your hands. next remember when you were a teenager. what were you like. well things dont change much . mostly what teens need is consistency and rules. even though they may not like all of the rules, it makes them feel loved becuse they know you care enough to have rules to make them safe. you have to have consequences too. just because her mom died diesnt give her the freedom to get away with anything. i adopted 5 teen age boys within a time frame of 4 years. they all had problems obviuolsy and they tried to use that to get away with things. like my dad abused me so it is ok for me to throw tantrums. or hit people. it is not ok and you need to let them know that you will protect them but they have to respect eveyone in thehouse too. and be there to talk. acutally listen. you learn more form listening that any detective would. and make sure you have one on one time with each of your children. all of my boys are grwon and gone. but i now heare form them and they always come visit and we alll laugh about the times we thought were hard. one of them is in the coast guard, on in the marines jsut back form iraq one is a manager of I-Hop( and he used to get mad because he had cooking and kitchen duty) and two of them went to mechanic school and are working at a local dealership. my two biological sons raised with the same rules and now my oldest son thanks me for making him get a job at 14, for making him pay his own bills ( i did it out of necesity0 i did it out of necessity but now he thanks me. now they tel me of trying to senak out the window, but i had been the champion seaker outer so they didnt get away with it too much. they ask me how i knew but i jsut tell them its my secret. i always told them that by the time they get going, i ws already coming back. good luck and bless you for doing this

Hi, I'm L. and I have 3 daughters, 17 year old twins and my youngest is 13. I think for you to be successful with your 15 year old sister in law, you may need to ask her to be involved with you, your husband and your children. She is at a very scary age, she wants to be an adult but still feels like a child. If you ask her for her opinion on some things, she will feel empowered and it will help her self esteem. Also, as much as it may be hard, you should give her some freedom, as long as she doesn't break your rules or curfew. Best of luck to you, and you should be congratulated for helping a young girl in need. Work hard to give her a great self-esteem. Also, please ask her to feel that she can talk with you about anything and also that you are hoping to be her friend as well as help to raise her. Tell her to let you know if there is anything you can do to make it easier for her and that you need her help as well. You should be commended for what you are doing. I think teenaged girls are the most difficult but also give the most back.

I went through this when Ray passed away. Each person grieves in their own way, so be prepared to follow her lead on some of this, but also be ready to take charge if she is struggling. You will know if there is a problem if her grades change, her habits change, she gets in trouble when she never did before. Children who have lost a parent can get free grief counseling from Hospice. Each Hospice group is run differently, you will need to talk to a non-profit one.

As far as raising a teenager, talk to her every chance you get. Teenagers are learning to become adults, and they have a lot of situations that they need guidance through, and the more you are able to talk, the easier it will be when something hard happens for her to come to you for help. Make sure you know who her friends are, and make friends with them too (food is generally a great ice breaker). They are a huge part of her support system at this age.

Be patient with yourself, it is ok to make mistakes, and it is ok to tell her, I don't know, but I'll find out and we can work it out together. It's also important to be able to tell her you love her even if you don't always agree. And try to take care of your husband and yourself. The first time I got really sick after Ray died, Joshua panicked, it was really really hard for him.

Good luck!