Hi A.,
As females we value a place for us. We traditionally don't have planned opportunities to be a part of a team the way we socilize males from boyhood up. But we still get our point across that we are team players and want to FEEL value and recognized and in your daughter's case celebrated.
Use 2 poster boards to make your daughter a schedule and a rules chart. Use a reusuable reward system like pipe cleaners or popsicle sticks. and a child proof mirror place at her level in the study area. Together make a schedule to help her become aware of time intervals. It will also help you manage her time. Even though your daughter feels that she is losing her place, and that she is less as valued since the new baby. The schedule can also serve as a tool to help herself value the time that she helps the family and is recognized and praised for her big sister participation. Mommy's helper. Daddy's girl time. Personal time for herself (this will later be valuable as study time and sooner as homework time). When the family encounter other people at church or resturant, make sure the family has a strategy to introduce the oldest child first and brag on how well is helping and being a big sister. Help her have a comment to contribute to the brief conversation. Then give her a task to turn her attention away from the adult conversation. Each time she interrupts correct her with say excuse me please, use a finger to acknowledge her but demands she wait an appropriate turn before she can come back into the adult conversation. Verbally reward her for waiting her turn. Appropriately, redirect her attention so she sees how not to dominate and disrupt when others are talking. The schedule will serve as an appropriate way to establish time boundaries. Each time she is successful reward with adding a stick to a vertical envelope attached so she can place the pipe cleaner(stick) in the envelop. When she does not comply, take a stick away. Decide on how many sticks she can get and keep each day. I like 5. Every morning she starts out with 5 (popsicle sticks)or pipe cleaners twisted like a little flower at the top or not. Each time segment she can earn or lose sticks. Heaven forbid but some days she might lose them all. Start fresh the next day. Each Friday evening, Dad gets to review her progress chart. A sheet of paper with stars on it for each day she earned 1 star in a time segment or no star for that day. The sticks or pipe cleaners are for her to manipulate. The chart is for you and Daddy to use like a report card to discuss what it means for her to earn good behavior points and how it helps her grow up. The 2nd poster explains how the schedule and rewards work. And what happens when Daddy comes home and what will be shared as she tells him about her day. Then on Fridays, what will be a big reward for a good week. Special family game time, individual time with mom or dad or a friend. It may be she is taught a special game where she learns to play alone or with someone other than Mom & Dad. Painting, skating, face paint, treasure hunt, dress-up or special puzzles. The mirror helps her see herself when she is behaving like a big girl and when she is being inappropriate. She needs to see how she really looks. Rules help her know what to correct in her behavior. It also helps her manage expectation. Right now, not knowing what to expect since the new baby has the center of attention. She is determined not to get pushed aside. Crying is clear communication that I don't feel secure and valued. It expresses her fears that she doen't yet have words to express. It also says that she needs tangible ways to translate the words adults are using. This regimen will help you gain the balance between emotional closeness and the appropriate mental value for spending time together, alone, with peers, and other adults. God bless and have fun making a new routine together.
