I never thought I'd co sleep. I have a 19 month old daughter who I've forced to cry it out so many times on doctor or book advice. But every time she's sick or we travel, I have to start all over again. I'm starting to feel so guilty. Especially now that we just left our daughter with grandparents for a 10 day vacation. When we got home, she turned to a complete wreck with major separation anxiety. I can't bare to have her cry it out alone again. I'm trying to co sleep with her (and after reading a lot I'm very interested in continuing for quite some time), but she wakes up screaming and almost nothing calms her for long - she is trying so hard to resist sleeping - she won't nap either. I was just up with her from midnight to 5am. Now at 6:30, I'm awake holding her asleep in the office chair. She goes completely crazy if I put her down in her crib - I know she doesn't want that. Anyone been through a transition like this? Will it get better? I feel like I've traumatized my little girl and like it's going to take forever for her to trust me again.
Further below is an update I wrote very soon after I wrote the original post. I thought I would update you all with the long term events. When I returned home I continued to co sleep with my daughter. By being more open to figuring out what is bothering her over the past few months I have learned so much about her and feel so much closer. She seems to feel the same way with more affection towards me. I have learned that my daughter has trouble with dairy, needs more fiber in her diet, needs ample warning before switching from one activity to the next, likes to nap in our gameroom, likes a night light on, likes to sleep in a very cool room, that she doesn't need a lot of sleep, is happiest on a schedule where she goes to bed at 10:00 at night...
And I do believe this all started with being willing to co sleep with her. I'm not saying everyone needs to do this, but I think my daughter needed it. I still co sleep with her now. She is on the best schedule of her life, meaning she is rested and happy all day. I plan to continue to co sleep with her until she is comfortable on her own. It has taken a while, but she is doing wonderfully well!!
Old update:
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice! After a tough week, and at a low point, I really needed to hear from some other mommas. The last couple of days have been progressively better. I'm still sleeping with her at night. I'm making sure to constantly be around my daughter or just in the next room. She might play with her grandparents for 5 minutes and then run over to find me. To clarify a little, I am still staying at my in laws right now with my daughter through the Christmas holiday. She loves them so much. We brought her and got her easily acclimated a week before leaving for vacation (we live out of state) and are staying for the holidays since we returned. I think it is incredibly tough on her - and we will never be away from home this long again I think. It's been tough on me - so I can't imagine how it's been for her. So since we are still at the grandparents house, I'm thinking it's probably not a sensitivity to light issue - although I've definitely considered that - thank you. She was doing really well while I was away, and just had a terrible time when I returned. She deals with my in-laws very well, but the true emotions come out with mommy for sure. And once I was back, she was just so afraid I would leave again. On top of that my husband had to go back home to work for 10 days after we returned from vacation (he's returning in a few days), so she still misses him.
I've been playing her videos and pictures of her dad. And we've been talking and skyping with him more - and I think that has also helped. I've gotten her to nap in the car the last 2 days for about an hour or so. I think that has helped a lot since a good nap during the day helps night sleep. Last night she finally slept 10 hours through the night. She woke up once, sat up, looked at me and smiled, asked for her blanket, and went right back to sleep. So I think she's feeling more reassured again.
I've been reading a lot recently, even before our vacation, about attachment and natural parenting and following it more and more. We planned our vacation 6 months ago, and I didn't want to back out just before. To the mother who thought that it was way too much and too long - you're probably right. I know some parents can do it just fine. But I think those parents work full time and their children are used to a lot of different day carers. My daughter stays at home with me and has never been away from me for more than half a day or so up to this vacation - which just makes it even worse. I don't know if I should have not gone to begin with or just have gone for a shorter time, but nevertheless, she was completely ill prepared for us to be away. Way way too much stress for a year and a half old.
I am definitely off the CIO bandwagon. I wish there wasn't so much literature and doctor support out there for it! It definitely works to stop the crying, but it doesn't do anything to help heal whatever the underlying reason for the crying is. I don't think I would have realized how much my daughter is missing her dad (he has often been away on business with no problems before) if I wasn't up with her 5 hours the other night trying to figure out what I could do to make her feel better. Always responding to your babies' cries helps you to understand their feelings better and parent better from there.
I'll probably co sleep with my baby at least until we go back home after the holiday. I definitely don't and never did think it would make a weirdo out of my daughter :) My brothers and I often co slept on and off with my parents until we were 10 or so also. We are all very close and "normal" whatever that means. I just didn't expect to do it myself. But I'm starting to understand better what kind of mother I want to be and I feel I am rather than blindly trusting some of the books or studies out there. When my husband returns, he and I will have to really discuss what we want to do back at home. Co sleep regularly, or when she's having trouble, or just try to get her back into her crib without CIO. But my husband and I definitely have to sit down and decide that together. I'm thinking regularly, but I don't know how he'll feel about that - it's not really something we even thought to consider before.
Considering the comment that I'm being inconsistent, I would say, sort of. I was extremely consistent for the past year. I basically used the CIO method if she was having trouble after an illness or travel (we have traveled to visit family many times since she was born). I think consistency is good and I was being consistent. My problem now, is that I've had this ideology change and going through CIO various times. I don't want to do it anymore, but I'm away from home right now and I don't have a concrete plan set up with my husband. So since I returned from vacation I have consistently been been cosleeping. When we return home from vacation, we will come up with a consistent plan to follow from here out.
I nevr had an issue with cosleep when the kids need it. I'd require they start in their bed. Poor child is definitely having an issue about something. I'd stay in the room until she sleeps. Sit on the floor and relax listeningto music until she sleeps
You know, just because you co-sleep doesn't make you a backward or uncaring mommy. Look, do what you gotta do. You are not going to inadvertently raise a weirdo just because you co-slept with her.
She's a baby still, in every way. At only 19 months old, of course she still needs her mother near her, and yes, that means co-sleeping sometimes for some of us.
It's totally OK! I co-slept with my son many times -- after he already took to the crib, he did revert back to mommy and daddy's bed for a while, as your kid seems to be doing. It has gone back and forth for years (we still working on it!) It took us a while to get him to sleep in his bed consistently when he got older. He is 4 and still, occasionally, struggles to sleep alone. But, if I had to do it all over again, I would. It is not worth it to see your child so miserable or afraid.
I co-slept with my own mother on-off until I was ten. God bless my mother for being so patient with me! It really created some wonderful and funny memories that only the two of us have.
I am not a fan of the cry-it-out. I know that it works for many mothers but I could not do it myself. It just was not for me or my son. Plus, now that I have another, I can see clearly that some children are much less tolerant of some parenting methods than others. So, if it not for you or your child too, just don't do it. There is more than one way to raise a happy and healthy child.
She is adjusting to being back home with you after being away from you for 10 days. I am not trying to make you feel guilty for going on a vacation and leaving her with Grandma and Grandpa ( I am a grandma and I would LOVE it!! lol) but it is going to take her some time to adjust. I am sure that the going to sleep ritual was different at Grandmas'...and now that she has to adjust to a different way of doing things you have to expect some upset on her part.
I do NOT approve of the CIO method...my honest opinion is that when a young child is crying it is because the NEED something...and by ignoring them you are not sending a loving, caring message to them at all. I always ask people how they would feel if they were upset about something, crying and wanting comfort...and the people that they relied on simply ignored them and refused to come to their aid. For the same reason I don't agree with the "time out" practice that so many parents are using today.
At these vulnerable times...the child needs their parents the most to help them understand how to deal with their feelings...how to make good, positive choices...etc.
My daughters both co-sleep and I know there have been ups and downs in it..just like there are with anything that you are doing with your children. If you are interested you can send me a PM and I can tell you how to get in touch with my oldest daughter who has a really great blog that she writes on attachment parenting...she would probably have some great tips for you!!
I have a definite opinion about this. My younger son was adopted and came with LOTS of anxiety. I listened to the "experts" that said let him cry it out. To this day I think this was horrible advice. Granted, your child has always been in a loving home so the situation isn't entirely the same but had I just given him what he "needed" for the first several months, I doubt seriously that I would have had near the difficulties that I've had. In your situation, I would put a mattress next to her bed and let her fall asleep with you next to her, holding her hand, whatever she needs. As the weeks pass and you can tell she isn't as stressed, you can leave after she's fallen asleep. The next a.m. be sure and wake her up and let her know what a big girl she was sleeping by herself again etc.!!! Do this for quite a while til you can tell she no longer needs it.
It's difficult but I'll tell you, this is the way to do it!! My best wishes.....
K.,
One of my daughters had horrible sleep issues and at times woke up crying/screaming throughout the night. I believe she had very vivid dreams/nightmares and she would wake up frightened by them. I co-slept with her for as long as she needed to and I loved it! Suddenly at 4 yrs old she learned to completely sleep on her own through the night. My daughter wouldn't nap by 20 months so I just settled for an hour of tv time in the afternoon followed by some reading time to allow her to "rest". Once you adjust to the no nap routine she will probably sleep better at night. I am a true believer that every parent needs to do whats best for their child. Every child is different and there is not just one protocal that works for every child. Do what is the best for your daughter. She deserves to feel safe and you deserve to let go of the guilt of the past. It may take her a long time to sleep well, but be patient. Good luck!
This sounds Horrible for me to comment on but the only thing that stuck out in my mind when reading your post is the fact that you left your daughter for 10 days to go on a vacation
I would have severe separation anxiety myself if I left my daughhter for even half that time - Heck I hate being away from her for more than a few hours
Sorry you are having a hard time but I feel for your daughter and I dont have advice on how to fix it
I don't think you've traumatized her, but she probably just wants to make sure you're still there after 10 days away. She'll probably be extra clingy for awhile until she is sure you're coming back.
Check out the ABC's of baby sleeping.
Blessings.....
Oh, my heart breaks for you. Know that I'm praying for you both.
I like that you are reading about co-sleeping. I've done it and feel the benefits made it well worth it. Check out the website about Attachment Parenting at http://www.attachmentparenting.org/.
I would like to know how she behaved at the grandparents' house. If she slept fine at the grandparents, I would recommend getting a doctor's advice to see if she has some sensitivity issues. A sensitivity to light may be part of the problem. Be sure you choose a different doctor than the one who gave you CIO advice! Also, I haven't looked yet but the AP website (the one I just listed) might have some advice on things to try.
For now, stay with her and be in sight of her. If awaking at night is a problem, maybe taking her to a couch with a low light, but something bright enough to read to her. If you feel comfortable about it, sing to her. Get a "nature sounds" music CD - I have one my kids love to fall asleep to. Pay attention to any smell she might associate with you. If you put on a particular perfume in the morning, reapply when she awakes suddenly at night.
You will feel like you need a vacation when she does calm down! Just make it a "in the next room" vacation (is my suggestion). Someone can watch, feed and play with her in the day _and_ allow her to see that you are in that room (I'd say with eyes covered and ears plugged!) getting some rest and/or sleep.
I echo that it is doubtful that you have "traumatized" her severely. You can let nap time simply be a quiet time. I don't recommend watching TV but reading or playing quietly with some toys. And make that quiet time be specifically in a particular part of the house. Slowly you can get back to a regular routine.
Good luck!
I haven't read all the responses, except someone said once you start you can't stop. Not true, mine grew out of it naturally around 3 years. When you are ready to stop (or she is) you put the bed right next to yours so you can still be close and have a casual transition, sometimes my husband would just reach out and hold hands with my daughter in the night, that's all she needed. Then a few months later you can move the bed to her room. Blessings! You are a very wise woman, I wish more would simply question all the "authorities" and trust the signals their children are giving them. I love what you said about getting to the underlying reason they are crying out. Blessings!
This comment:I'll probably co sleep with my baby at least until we go back home after the holiday shows how inconsistent you are. You can not keep changing up the way you do it. What are you going to do after the holidays? If you start sleeping with her then you will be doing it for years or you will have to have a big crying intervention again.
My sister in law still has her 4th grade son sleeping with them. If you start that there is no easy way to stop it. My first child was 6 when we had to have the big crying intervention to get her to sleep in her own bed. So with our next two they were in their own bed straight from the hospital and were much more secure and happy children.
Whatever you do plan on doing it for years and quit changing the poor kid up. Just because you are at someone's house or travel or dad works out of town doesn't mean you have to change everything. Be consistent.
