"Crazy" Circumstances

Please go to a counselor.

I have never been in this situation but my husband and I have gone to counseling over the years when we hit a rough patch.

This man is wonderful and makes you feel like you are not in therapy.

Eugene Webb
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http://eugenewebb.com/

In addition to the book Love Dare, I would read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I also second Dave Ramsey for the financial viewpoint. Good Luck

You know, you cant MAKE anybody do anything. She will have to make that decision on her own. Personally, cheating is a deal breaker for me. I didn't marry until I was 34. My husband had never married either, he was 43. Cheating was the ONLY point I made to him when we got married. Where we live, cars we drive, money spent on golf clubs....none of those things MEAN anything. You lay down with another woman? Adios muchacho!!!
Good Luck to you and your family in these trying times.

Margaret

J.,
I havn't read all of your posts but I'm sure you have received alot of advice to ponder over. First of all you have every right to post here and to seek advice. Lots of men have posted so cudos for you for reaching out for help.

I was in your situation with my now ex and it feels almost like a death dealing with an affair. You may have contributed to the breakdown of the marriage but you had nothing to do with your WS (wayward spouse) having an affair. She made that choice all by herself and it was no fault of yours.

You do have alot of very hard questions to ask yourself and the first is "Do you want this marriage?". It sounds like you do and that is your choice. When I was going thru this I reached out to several places because I did want my marriage & was determined to save it.

I went to a site called www.marriagebuilders.com

There is tons of information there to help you and your ws. Read everything that you can. Get the book "Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley" It's fantastic and it will help you with understanding how to deal with this. It's wonderful. Also, read the discussion forums. You will discover that you are not alone. You will have a plan as to whether you should move forward alone or work on this marriage. You decide the path.

I did not discover this information until my now ex was on his 3rd affair. It helped but habitual cheaters can't be changed in my opinion. Even after we started getting help he started yet another affair to the point I gave up.

I wish you all of the best and if I can help in any way, please reach out. Best of luck to you

Hi J., I haven't read any of the responses to your post but wanted to put it all there for you. I too, have been in a similar situation. I had an affair this past January and didn't really understand why I wasn't happy with my husband or life. I blamed him for many things that happend many, many years ago and just couldn't let go of that grudge. Luckily for me, it was not a long affair however if I hadn't gotten caught I question how long it would have gone on. There are two books that I would love for you to read. Here is the website I found them on: http://www.womensinfidelity.com/

This book is different b/c it's written in interview form that is between the author and a husband who suspects his wife is cheating. This is an acutal documented conversation. There is a part 1 and part 2. My husband and I both read this and it put many things in perspective. The book helped me understand the feelings I was having and it helped my husband why I was feeling this way. You don't have to purchase the actual book but can purchase the downloadable form on PDF. It's much cheaper. Just check it out.

One thing I learned from all this is that it's up to the woman to want to change. You won't be able to force it. I wanted to be with my husband and child. We ended up going to counseling but not for very long because my husband and I both knew where we wanted to be...together. He actually hasn't forgiven me but he's been able to live past it as each goes by. It's been tough but we're getting through it together.

I wish you all the best and I hope everything works out. My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel.

Hey J. you got lots of good advice and feedback so I'm not going to say something that's already been said. I do want to say something that may be unpopular though. What's going on for you that all your happiness comes from your family? Also, how can you say she must apologize and say the affair was a mistake? You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make her drink. What about working on yourself and your boundaries and expectations and saying what you want and how you'll get there and doing it? I know when someone tells me what I have to do I usually want to do anything but that. A little you focus will go a bit farther. You're in an awful situation and it will take a lot of work. You can only do your work though, not hers. good luck

We love men on mamasource. You can offer suggestions and thoughts from a different perspective and we all need that.

You did not mention how long you have been married. This makes a difference, because marriages go up and down at certain points in peoples lives.

My husband and I went thorough some tough times in our marriage. We have been married 28 years and I keep a criminal defense attorney's phone number on my cell phone in case I ever need it.. Hee, hee...

We very reluctantly went to a marriage counselor many years ago. We had been through a few sessions when we came to the decision to get a divorce. We went outside and began talking about how it was all going to work. That is when we realized, we had learned to communicate with each other! We went home and started all over. It really worked. It is not perfect, but the one thing I have learned is that you have to love and accept who the other person is strengths, weaknesses, good, bad and ugly.
We cannot change each other.

Your wife has to decide what will make her happy. That starts with herself. You need to do what makes you happy and start with yourself. You each need to decide what your daughter needs to grow up in a healthy household and then make a plan and implement it.

I am a child of divorce and you want to know my big secret? I was thrilled when they decided to divorce. I felt so guilty because everybody else was in so much pain, but I was exhausted from having to listen to the fighting and the stressful environment. It was the best thing in the world for all of us in the end. It was difficult and they used my sister and me to get back at each other, which was terrible, but in the long run, we all learned a lot about loving and accepting each other.

Try the counseling. If she refuses, go by yourself.
I am sending all of you good thoughts.

Hi J.---

I firmly believe Mamasource is for Dads too. I don't know that I have any solutions to the problems you are having...but, I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. Marriage is the hardest relationship in my life. My husband & I have been thru so much, sometimes I am surprised that we are still together. I hope you and your wife can work thru this. I will be thinking about you. Try to hang in there.

Love & Prayers, W.

Hey J.:

I think its quite poignant when you say "My wife is not sorry for her affair". Are you sure her affair is over... If it is, is she still in the 'wandering eye' mind-set? Because, if she is not regretful... if she doesn't see that there was any transgression done (against her vows, against her own morality and values), then that tells me she is affair bound again.

I think the first thing is to determine whether she feels any commitment to your relationship... It takes 2 to dance and you can't do her dance steps also. If she won't dance, then the song is over.

The second step, assuming she is willing to rebuild, is to come up with 1 to 3 changes for both of you... What is it that she wants from you in order to make it work? What is it you want from her. Keep the action list realistic and precise... She's going to tell you to do something or change some behavior. This will be her #1 priorities for saving your marriage... And you will need to respect whatever that request is as your high priority. And vise-versa. Whatever is your utmost requests need to be undertaken by her as her new priorities. And give it a certain amount of time before re-evaluating... 4 months?

Compromise is the key to all marriages. And compromise is not romantic... If, as a couple, you can't meet in the middle and get past the blame-game, bitterness, disappointment, or trust issues, then unfortunately you might have to cut your losses.

Good luck! Big hug. (and I don't think this is a women's only site...)

You are totally welcome to advise, and to our advice, as far as Im concerned! You have your head on straight and that's a good thing. Would your wife consider going to counseling with you? Ive been in similar circumstances and sometimes it helped just to talk to someone who wasnt on either side... just 'our' side in trying to make it work. It totally helped. We not only survived, but our marriage is stronger and there is more affection today than the day we married, 29 years ago :) If your pastor is out of the question for obvious reasons, a Christian counselor can make a world of difference for you. Im not sure what part of the state you are in... but there are great ones everywhere Ive lived. I hope this helps.... just hang in there.

Good Morning J. D,
Just happen to be checking my email when I glanced at your problem. I'm a man also, a born-again Christian, divorced, married again and God gets all the glory.

First and foremost J., you have to get your house in order. The roles are reversed. Get a King James Bible and read I Corinthians 7, I Peter 3 for starters.

J. D., you say you are a Christian but so does everybody, especially those that go to church. Being a Christian is a spiritual event not a physical work.

I'll give you verses on salvation, Ephesians 2:8,9 Romans 3:23

Sorry for the boldness but the truth hurts. My prayer will be that God through the Holy Spirit will guide you as you read his precious King James AV 1611 Holy Bible.

Lord Bless,
FGC

Hi J.,

You're very welcome on this list as far as I'm concerned, and I'm glad you wrote. You sound so much like me, in terms of taking responsibility for everything and wishing your spouse would take some too. I found a lot of relief from that by working hard in a 12 step program called CoDA -- Codependents Anonymous -- to work on some very damaged boundaries that made it hard for me to feel happy when my husband was unhappy, and especially when he blamed his unhappiness on me. Mentally I knew that his blame was at least partly unfair, but emotionally I couldn't be comfortable while he was blaming me, and I spent years running in circles trying to get him to be happy with me and then blaming him increasingly for my own unhappiness. CoDA helped me to get out of this horrible cycle. Today I am happy whether my husband is in a bad mood or a good mood, and whether he claims his feelings were created by me or by the latest newspaper headline. Or, of course, sometimes I am scared, sad, or tired or whatever, but none of this now seems like it is being beamed into me from him -- it's like he doesn't seem to have my emotional remote control switch anymore, which is so wonderful! I like him so much better now that I no longer give him the ability to "cause" me great pain on a daily basis. Our child is much happier too and no longer sees her father as a bad guy.

I would also recommend a book by Pia Melody titled Facing Love Addiction, which I think might have some good advice for you and, if she is interested, for your wife as well. I have tried so many things, so many books, so much therapy, and these are the two things that helped me with a spouse who simply didn't seem to care if I was happy and who blamed me tirelessly for his unhappiness, even in areas where it was quite clearly of his own making.

Good luck, and God bless.
M.

J., I am so sorry for what you are going through. I think it's hard whether it's the man or the woman who strays. My husband and I have been married for 25yrs, and he has had numerous affairs. It wasn't until we both found that making God the center of our lives and our marriage did we begin to heal. My suggestion is this - Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University is an awesome Christian based get out of debt class that a lot of churches are offering. My husband and I went through it and for the last year we have been better off financially than ever before. It's hard to stick to a budget, but if you do it, in the long run you'll end up with a lot of money for "extras". Second, I recommend books for you both - they are called "A Wife After God's Own Heart" and "A Husband After God's Own Heart". You can find them at any bookstore in the Christian section. And finally, the thing that really helped us more than anything, was watching the movie "Fireproof" together. We did not have to do the Love Dare, but you might want to do that for your wife. I will be praying for your precious family. I cannot tell you how blessed we have been since we have done these things. Our children are growing up with a firmer foundation, and God has truly intervened in our marriage. I pray that God will give you the strength and wisdom to endure what may be coming. It may get harder before it gets easier.

J.,

You definitely need to get into a group of people - either at your church or on your own. You need support with this. There is nothing you can do to force your wifes feels. Unfortunately she will have to come to terms with this on her own time and with Gods help. I am the same as you, if my kids and husband aren't happy, then I am nothing. My husband had an affair and is now living with her but wants to come home. He is still blaming me and I thought I was a really great wife! But I have apologized and made changes. I'm hoping that someday he will too.

God bless you. I have a great group of "Divorce Care" graduates and we rally around eachother for support. It is very helpful. Feel free to write back if you need more support or have more questions. My prayers of hope are with you and your family.
D.

Hi J.,
Glad you posted your trouble. In my place I wouldn't tolerate what she did especially because she has no remorse. I understand you're Christian and want to do things right and save your marriage and family. You are not going to be able to make her admit she's wrong. You need to forgive her and let it go.
Also, this could be a blessing in disguise and you might need to go your own way and find real love, real happiness.
Keep praying for the best and if you have no control over it, leave it to God.

J.,

I had crazy circumstances with my ex husband. Please understand something. You can not change your wife. When she had the affair she is seeking something within herself to pacify. The affair is not because of you. For your wife to even hint that a decision that she made is your fault is ridiculous. The money issue is true. Some people are always broke no matter how much money they make. What you are trying to do by working it out with a spouse that is not interested in working it out, will drive you insane. It is like riding a bicycle by standing on one peddle. You will keep going in a circle and never a straight line. If you can't get your wife into therapy, you should consider ending the marriage. Your daughter deserves to have parents that are happy and loving towards one another. I was once at the same cross roads. I considered divorce for 2 years before filing. My ex was content with continuing to make poor choices (affairs, money, drinking) and drag his family through it. I could not allow it to continue. We have been divorced for almost 2 years. He is a much better ex husband than husband. We have joint custody and my daughter has adjusted well. We did have her in therapy for several months after the divorce. She was 4 when I left. I wish you the best in whatever decision that you are to make. You and your family are in my prayers.

First of all, I do not see any problem with a man posting here. I wish more men would use this site because I would like a male's point of view on some of my questions. As far as your inquiry goes, I really don't know where to start. It seems like you and your wife may share a difference so basic to your being that you will require serious councelling to begin to touch this issue. You are right, she needs to apologize and if she feels she does not owe you at least that , there is something seriously wrong. It is tough being a stay at home parent and I am sure it is tougher for a dad in many ways as this is not the "traditional" set up. Hang in there and keep posting with your questions.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this! I do not think there is any specific way to make your wife admit what she did was wrong. She has to really believe that in order to feel any sort of remorse and from what you have said, she doesn't think she did anything wrong and she blames you. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If she doesn't try, that is not your fault. I would suggest couples therapy (if she will go). That could be a big step in opening up the communication lines between you two.

Pray fiercely and non-stop for her and have others join you. You need to see a Christain counselor together. If she refuses, go on your own.
If she will, I highly recommend her reading, "Created To Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl. It is available at www.nogreaterjoy.org or other book suppliers. Later on, you need to take a Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey class together to work on your financial differences.
She should really be staying home, not you. When roles are switched like that, things go "crazy", like has in your marriage. She is not seeing you as the man you should be or that she expected as a husband. You are to be the provider, not her. What is her love language?? Are you speaking it?? If not, find out and DO IT. This will make an enormous difference.
Don't give up. But also SHE is WRONG--very WRONG. And she should not be allowed to continue this behavior. If it means you moving out of the area, DO IT. Do whatever it takes--mainly pray like you've never prayed before and be in God's Word ALL the time!

As Christians our joy is in the Lord our God. We don't rely on circumstances or people to make us happy. Your wife is unfaithful to your marriage and only God can work on her heart to make her repentent. One thing to remember is that the Lord gives us free will to choose to follow Him or to follow the world. If my husband was ever unfaithful to me it would be over. I don't give my trust easily and if he broke that trust it would be over. Only you can make the right decision about your marriage but don't hinge your happiness on your wife's behavior. Your happiness is in the Lord your God. You also need to make good decisions for your daughter. Do you want her to grow up seeing her mom having affairs on her dad or would it be best for her to see you move on to a happier life? Make sure to point her to God as well. God bless you and your decisions.

J.,

You sound like a great guy with his head on straight. It sounds like your wife has spiritual issues. You are smart not to just end the marriage because she had an affair. I understand these things. I am also a strong Christian. The best way to deal with this is to pray for her. When someone cheats, they are living in the flesh, not in the spirit. If she were right with the Lord now, that little voice would tell her not to do it and she would listen. You need to get other prayer warriors to pray also.

I know of a couple who went thru a worse situation, the wife left the Husband and 3 small children, moved in with her drug-sharing boyfriend and told her Husband that she didn't love him anymore and wanted to be free. He never gave up. He prayed her back and the Lord changed her to come back with true repentance and their marriage is stronger than ever. In fact, they have a couples ministry at my church.

What most people don't realize is that when someone cheats, it is only a bandaid on a more serious problem. Living in the flesh doesn't give any credit to Godly values like love. When you live in the flesh, you can have sex with someone you don't love because it feels good and it satisfies your flesh. When you are close to God and live in the spirit, you can do without if need be. You want to make love to the one you love and have committed your life to. If that doesn't happen, you can wait because you know that the Lord loves us more than any person ever could.

Your wife is not feeling the Love of the Lord and is seeking the fleshly, selfish kind of love that feeds the sinful nature that the enemy wants to use to divide and conquer families. Real love, like the Lord's love, seeks happiness for your spouse. The fleshly love seeks to please yourself and doesn't care about your partner.

YOU cannot change her. Only the Lord can. Marriage counselors say that the #1 cause of Divorce is selfishness. If they are a Christian counselor, they will understand the reason. It's spiritual. You need to ask the Lord to get closer to your wife and make her realize that the consequences for her actions is Death. Death to a Christian, means separation from the relationship with God. We cannot feel His awesome love if we are living outside of his will.

To regain her love, you need to let her know that you can forgive her under the right circumstances. You also need to regain her respect. Keep doing what you are doing. Show her respect, but don't allow her to treat you like a doormat. You are in a role-reversal situation. It is usually the Husband who makes the big bucks that cheats because he thinks that the Wife will have to put up with it because she is dependent on him. I had a husband like that. He was not a Christian and I was not close to the Lord at the time. But, the Divorce brought me close to the Lord. The Lord lifted me above the pain and carried me thru it. But, our children (3) suffered permanent damage from it. He never admitted that it was his selfishness that caused the divorce and he never will. The best thing you can do is stay close to the Lord, take your children to a good church with you and pray that your wife will come around and want to be a part of it. Don't focus on what she is doing. Focus on the spiritual things the Lord is doing. Nothing is impossible for God. I will be praying for your family. Also, I recommend the book, "Love must be tough" by Dr. Dobson. I wish I had read it when I was going thru it. Bless you and your family.
BonnieW

You've had a lot of great advice here. The only thing I can add is I have gone through a similar bump in marriage. I sought ways to make myself a better person. I recommend two books. The first is based off a movie (Christian) called Fireproof, the book itself is called The Love Dare. The other book is called the five love languages. This helped not only myself but my husband as well to understand what each other needed to feel loved. There is hope, even if you think you are the only one who wants to make it work. Many people think that it takes two but thats not always the case. If you make changes within yourself your reactions will have some kind of reaction from her, that is physics. Don't give up continue praying to God and make changes within yourself and if you can read those books. Best wishes to you and your family.

Sorry for your issues I have no advice just wanted to tell you that I see no problem with you posting here. Gender should not matter I believe it is mamasourse cause well moms usually do this sort of posting over dads and you are not the first father to post. welcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to agree with Kandy C (the only man that responded to your request). You need to get your house in order. Men and women are different and they have different, but equally important roles in the family. No matter how much she says she fine with you staying home with your child and she out of the home working she may be feeling a lot of resentment towards you. Women have natural feelings of wanting to be a nurturer to her children. They also need to feel secure and loved and that often equates to being financially stable. You are primarily responsible for providing for the physical and financial needs of your family. She may be resenting the fact that she has to be the bread-winnner. If she was home with your child and feeling loved and appreciated doing her work at home then this affair may never have happened. That may be why she's blaming you for this affair.

There are three main things that people fight about in a marriage: Money, Sex and How to Raise Children. The only reason people get divorced is because of selfishness. It's that simple. Ask yourself what part of you is being selfish. You can't change your wife's selfishness.

I would suggest you get on the same page as far as your finances go. Look into DaveRasmey.com. He addresses the challenges that couples face in dealing with money. I would also suggest going to a counselor to help you and your wife figure out how to communicate your feelings and needs more effectively. She obviously is not feeling that her emotional needs are being met (not that that is any excuse for her behavior!!)

I hope you will be able to work things out. Good luck and God bless.

A counselor helped us when we were going through a rough patch. It might be helpful to go on your own once or twice before including your wife, if she'll go. She will likely be more open to a female counselor so keep that in mind. Prayer helps a lot too. Sorry you're going through this.

I am so sorry about your situation. I don't have any real advice but I just wanted to tell you that your story broke my heart. It sounds as though you're trying very hard to keep your wife happy, but if she isn't happy with herself, you will never be able to change that. Would she consider couseling? I also wanted to say that as far as I'm concerned, you are welcome on these message boards any time. This is a forum for parents who love and care for their kids who just happen to be moms most of the time. You are doing the hardest job in the world and you deserve a place to go for advice, sympathy, and answers to all of those crazy parenting questions. Good luck and keep us posted!
M.

Have you heard of the "Love Dare" from Fireproof? It may be a good tool for you. I don't think you get her to realize anything; she just has to realize it on her own. Have you gone to counseling? Is she Christian? My husband and I came very close to divorcing, then went to Christian counseling and through prayers, us each working on ourselves and not focusing on the other person as much and a miracle, perhaps, we made it through a very rough spot then our first child died at birth and we were able to be strong for each other and go through a much more horrifying experience than we ever faced with our marriage. Work on yourself, be the best you can be, pray for her, expect nothing and see what happens. Money is a source of security so she may be wanting you to make more money because that makes her feel secure like you can provide for your family, etc. I'm sure there are a lot of issues about money for her and many women would struggle in similar circumstances. Prayers to you.

Hi J., my ex cheated on me and had no remorse neither. Crappy feeling and all I wanted was him to no his mistake and move forward for our family.
But of course that wasn't the case, he instead decided to be in a relationship with her after I left. Yea pig...
As for your wife, sounds like my ex. Selfish, self-centered, and very immature.
You are doing the right thing by taking full responsibility for your child, we all know its not an easy job.
I would try and tell you to keep up the good faith and make it work but bottom line is it doesn't sound like she wants it to work and she is a very very selfish person. You can do much better with someone that will appreciate you for who you are and what you have to offer.
As everyone had mentioned, good luck!!!!

My advice may not be what other women would throw out there but I am only speaking the truth = ) Sometimes the truth hurts. (I have been through it, and still dealing with it and it sucks!)

J.,
In reading your posting I see a lot of my late husband in your writing. He was a Christian, not a perfert husband, but a wonderful man. (Trust me we also fought) He found happiness in the small things, being with family and friends. The one thing I can tell you is that your wife must fix herself. You can not change her or make her happy. She must reach down inside herself and decided what she wants in the future. I see that you want what comes after our life here on earth, while she wants here on earth. There is the difference. All you can do is stay strong in your faith and raise your daughter with love.

Hi J.,
Sounds like you want your wife to admit to something shes not sorry for,or she would have done it allready.Why do you want an apology if its not from the heart.Were it needs to come from.
Thats great that you are taking care of your family the way you say you are.I know deep inside you want your family to be a family again,but if shes not willing what can you do?You say shes NEVER happy and blames you for everything
Let me give you a suggestion.You say your a Christian man and in the Bible it talks what grounds you have for divorce and thats when one commits audultry. She has done that and she won't be happy as much as you try.What you can do is go get legal advice through Legal Aid {free services offered through your community} seek custody of your daughter,since you are the primary care giver, make your wife pay you child support and alimony and give her{ur daughter} a peaceful home she deserves.Why should she continue to have to live w/these circumstances for the next 13 yrs.Give her a happy home even if its just you and her she needs that stabilty. And you need not to let your wife drive you crazy and cause you to be unhappy. It'll hurt but the pain does go away.Who knows you might find that perfect person thats still out there for you. Cause it doesn't sound like your wife was the one for you. She sounds selfish and if she really cared about her family who should be her priorty she wouldn't act that way.
If you do decide to stay together don't have anymore children that have to have a mother like her.
You continue to pray for her no matter what.
Counseling for you and your daughter would'nt be a bad idea either.There is a place called Life Works thats helped my family tremendously.They have a grant if you cant afford it.The main thing is you need PEACE in your life and your little ones life your wife is old enough to take care of herself.

Hey J.,

Don't spend your time trying to get your wife to feel sorry for her affair. She knows what she's done and maybe even feels a little guilty for it. (That could be one of the reasons that she blames you for everything.)

As for the money issue ~ that's deep. Your values on this subject are very different. Was this always the case or did it change when you became a full time student and father?

Don't get me wrong here ~ I'm all for going back to school and bettering yourself ~ be it for personal or professional reasons ~ but what is your primary goal ?

Does/did your wife think that by you going back to school that it was so you could get a better job/career
to help support the family?

A lot of women have security issues associated with money ~ so this may be a safety issue for her. She may think that you're being lazy or too carefree while she is hard at work "supporting the family." Even though you said that you are contributing to the family income, she may think that you are not being serious about it.

*****
As for going to school full time and raising a child/children ~ most people realize that this is more than a full time career and a commitment to your family! Kuddos to you for doing it.

Your choice to raise your daughter while continuing your education can be a very rewarding time in your life.
I hope that you are enjoying every minute of it and I wish that more fathers had had the opportunity to do this while their children were young.

Unfortunately, in this society, it is easier for women to take on this role rather than men. I think that it helps a couple appreciate each others role in their family more and helps you to build mutual respect for your spouses contributions within your family unit.

I don't know the all of the Christian views on the subject of marriage, but I'm sure that they would encourage you to try to work everything out. I agree. I would suggest counceling.

The best thing for you to do is to sit down together with love, and try to be honest with each other about what you need and what you want for your marriage and for your family.

Maybe your purpose in this lifetime was for you and your wife to bring your beautiful daughter into this world... and that's a wonderful thing. But people change and sometimes their relationships and marriages change too.

If you find it's time for you and your wife to move on and to find someone new who shares the same goals and values as you do and who respects your needs and wishes for providing a stable and happy home environment for your child, than so be it. You all desirve to feel happy and safe and appreciated in this lifetime. Best of luck to you and your family.

If your wife does not believe she did anything wrong then there is no way to change her mind. In a marriage it takes two to make it work. It appears that your wife doesn't want to make it work. Maybe you can get her into counselling, but until that, if she doesn't want to make a marriage work then it absolutely won't.
Could it be the relationship has ended or maybe you're just mismatched to begin with? Pray about it and ask for devine guidance and be prepared to move on.
Blessings,
D.

Hi I think it's good that you wrote to us women. Most of us are good listeners & can give decent advice to! First off I'm sorry that your wife had an affair! If she doesn't feel bad for doing that, somethings wrong!!! Have you went to marriage counseling? How you said, she's never happy with the $, and you take care of your daughter, the cooking, dishes, & more? Does your wife work? I don't want to sound rude, but from what you said..... it sounds like she takes advantage of you, takes you for granted, & dissrespects you, esp by not feeling bad & apologizing for her affair? I know you are a strong christian, but nobody deserves to live in a marriage that only one person tries & cares about! I too was married, but brief because he turned verbally abusive & started escalating to physical! We tried counseling, but didn't work for him? Anyways I didn't get married to get divorced, however I couldn't continue to live that way. So reavaluate what you want, need, & go from there. Unless your a single parent, you shouldn't have so much all resting on your shoulders! Think of you & your daughter's well being for future happiness though, because it doesn't sound like your wife cares about anyone but herself, that's a shame! Good luck & I hope my advice helps, I'm here anytime :) Jules

So sorry that you are going through this J.. I hate to say it but all you can do is be the best dad and husband you can be and pray about it. You can't make your wife feel one way or the other. She has to own what she did on her own. It sounds to me like she doesn't respect you very much. She will either come to the revelation that what she did was wrong or it may take her awhile longer, but she will. She does know what she did was wrong. She is just trying to justify what she did to herself. Hang in there and PRAY!!! By the way, I don't remember seeing any rule that a man can't post on this site....keep posting! Good luck and God Bless.

Hey J.,
I wouldn't worry about being male and writing on here, there is another gentleman who writes, I always enjoy his posts and advice so I think you are cool there:) I think it is amazing that you are willing to still be with your wife after an affair and you are right that nothing you have done can excuse her making that choice. I would say if she is not open to asking for forgiveness and going to some counseling you might have a bigger problem on your hands. I truly hope she has a change of heart on this and wish you all the best with dealing with the situation. As far as the money goes, if you guys do work through all this affair business you will have to find a way to come into unity about the money. Your expectations and needs may be very different but if you don't get into agreement on the money the turmoil will probably not end. My husband and I read a book called "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey. It was awesome! It gave us a plan to get out of debt and a system to help us create a budget which gave me room to spend some and my husband room to save. He says in marriage there is always a free spirit and a saver. It is not always the woman who is the free spirit either, he is actually the free spirit in his marriage. Anyway, it helps you to identify your spending habits as well as your spouses and to accept and respect each other and develop common goals. Anyway that is just a suggestion where the money is concerned. I hope it all works out and that your marriage is healed. Hang in there!

Wow- you sure have a lot of responses! I also think it's just fine for you to post here, you are NOT the first man to do so. Especially since you stay at home, this group can be quite beneficial to you.

Well, here's what I told your female counterpart. (smile)
I struggle at times with fear that my husband is having an affair. Especially when he spends time away from the office with a female coworker (work related or sometimes for lunch) and then comes home and is very touchy feely all evening. But I just have to give it to God and pray that He guards my husband's eyes and heart. The latest female coworker that he spent time with just up and quit without notice. He was totally surprised. I can't help but wonder...did she come on to him and he refused so she quit? Or..... but it's not something I dwell on because I love my husband dearly and even if he IS unfaithful it's something that can be worked through.

Now, I really don't truly believe that he has been having affairs. Do you know for sure that your wife is? What if she's not sorry, because she didn't do it? And an apology is meaningless if she isn't really sorry.

pray pray pray

First of all J., WELCOME!!! I do not believe you have to be a Mom or even a female to post on this site. It's just that the majority of those caring for children are the Moms. So, by all means, post away. LOL

As for your issue. I think Counseling for the marriage and maybe even for her alone would be a great help. She obviously has some inner issues, whether she is even aware of them or not, so counseling for her could do wonders. You do not sound like a distant or abusive husband, so I really don't think this is your fault. She does need to take responsibility for her actions and she also needs to figure out what it is going to take to make her happy. She can not be the best Mom she can be, or the best wife she can be if she is struggling with some inner turmoil.

I know there are two sides to every story and everyone has their shortcomings, but I think some counseling to figure things out would be a great place to start re-building your family.

I am sorry your in this situation. I myself have made indescretions within my marriage and it took a lot of marriage counseling, church, and counseling for us seperatley to help us find out what we were doing to damage our bond and how to work through it.

I am happy to say that it has been 3 years since those dark times and we are now stronger than ever.

God bless your family and good luck in everything you do!

i'm sorry but it sounds like your wife has checked out and not interested in the marriage any more. i think you should seperate...why stay in a marriage when she is not even sorry about the affair.

don't be a doormat..Seperate and take care of yourself and your daughter, because she will be better off than being in a loveless household.

hope things go better for you...

Hi J.,
First off let me start by saying that I see nothing wrong with you posting on here. It's a support group, and to me is for all parents, not just mothers. Second, I am also heartbroken by your story. Sounds to me like she's already given up before she's even tried to work things out. She has no right what so ever to blame you for her wrong doings. You can issues in the relationship that you own up to your part in, and it sounds like you are already doing that, but as for her cheating, she needs to own up to that. Maybe try going to some counciling if she's willing. That might be a good way to address whatever issues there are. Sometimes just having someone with a middle view look at all the issues helps. If you are willing to try to keep the family together then that might be a good start. I feel for you, and will be praying for your family. It's a strong person who is willing to try to make something work after being cheated on. Not many are willing to do that. She should look at that and realize what a good husband she has. Money is the source of most arguements in relationships, but there are plenty out there that get through it without cheating to make themselves feel better. She needs to own up and take responsibility for her own actions. Good luck!

Praying for you,
D.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Who cares if you are a guy, who ever said females are the only people who can be a mom. Anyway best of luck to you and your family. Hopefully you and your wife can work things out for your daughters sake and the sake of keeping the marriage together.

Hi J.
Welcome!!!
I am reading your post and I am truly sorry for what you are going through.
The only person that can make your wife happy J. is herself. She is caught in a path of self destruction , and until she runs it's course and hopefully learns her lesson , there is nothing you can do about it .
You are trying all you possibly can , and until she grows up and realigns her priorities there is not much you can do .
Approach her about counseling , if she concurs great!!! If she doesn't get some for yourself. In a situation like this you need someone to talk to .
If she is not willing to apologize for her affair ,that gives you her mindset about not realizing what damage she has inflicted, or she simply does not care . She has to live with her actions and the guilt that will eventually come around to haunt her .Every action has a consequence. You are not the cause ,lack of money is not the cause , her own misery is the cause of her unhappiness .
We all go through rough times in a marriage , but having an affair does not do anything but contribute more problems to an already unstable marriage.
I know you love your wife , but if she does not love herself all you can do is be good to yourself and your child and build your happiness on a foundation of love for yourself and your child . Do not base your happiness on your wife .This might sound cold ,but it is what it is !!!!
Only time will tell . The easiest thing in the world is to blame other people for our misery , but we are the ones solely responsible for our happiness/unhappiness. We do not like to admit that fact , but it's reality.

Wishing you the best

Hello J., no worries, you do Not have to be a women to get some friendly advice and help!:) I'm sorry that you are going through this. Have yall tried counseling? Just remember that God will never give you more than you can handle. It sounds maybe like yall need some time being a couple again (without the kiddo). Spend some time discovering each other again and maybe some counseling. Hopefully it will work out. and remember that there is a reason for everything. God Bless.

There is nothing wrong with you posting here. It's called Mamasource, but it's more like Parentsource. It's an open forum for people to ask questions to real people and get real hard thruths. I am sorry your wife had an affair and noone deserves that. I don't have advice for you, but I wish you all the best.

J.......

I am going to make a few suggestions....merely because you asked and I am only trying to help.

1. Counseling. If you get the "we don't need counseling", then you say, "if even ONE of us thinks we need counseling, then there is a problem, so WE NEED counseling because I need it and I really need you to go with me." There are places that will work with you based on income. A lot of companies have a behavioral benefit that will allow 3 to 5 sessions for free, just to help you get started, so she should check with her insurance. Or, who knows, it may be enough.

2. You have to work together and plan together. It sounds like her idea of "life" and your idea of "life" are totally different. If you're doing it "your way" and she is doing it "her way" then where is the togetherness? And, neither of you will achieve happiness. You will be "roommates" rather than partners. You should be married to your partner and best friend.....making decisions together. Marriage is about compromise. Just because there are things in your life that you could live without, doesn't mean she wants to live without them too. BOTH of you should learn to agree and compromise. Because, believe me, Divorce is even more compromise than you ever dreamt!

3. File for divorce. WAIT! Just because you "file" it, doesn't mean you have to go through with it. BUT, if you do this, you should seek temporary orders that will allow you to keep your child with you if that is what you choose. This may be an eye opener for her. Or, it may be exactly what she wants but doesn't want to be the one to say it.

I want to tell you divorce is not fun, not pretty, and if you think you don't get along now, just WAIT! And, if you are willing to forgive her, then she should be willing to sincerely apologize. BUT, some people are programmed differently.....she may be blaming you because she doesn't want to admit to herself that she was the fool in that situation. And, believe it or not, the hardest person to forgive is yourself. I was divorced and have now remarried. My first husband was heartless and violating in some pretty personal ways. I forgave him over and over again. When we finally divorced, I let him have it with all I had in me and he was in shock. I remember him saying, "I have already said I am sorry! When are you going to learn to forgive me?" It was at that moment that I realized that all the anger and hatred I had for him was not so much that I hadn't forgiven him, but that I hadn't forgiven myself for allowing the reoccurrences over and over throughout the years, always accepting his apology so I didn't hurt his feelings. The anger and resentment I had that I THOUGHT was for him, was for myself. That took some working through. If you can get her to a counselor, the counselor may request to see each of you one on one and it just might be that one on one that will open her eyes.....try it! It can't hurt.

Kudos to you for wanting to save your family. BUT, she has to be willing to want to save it too. So, it's just like that saying when you are playing poker -- "You've got to know when to hold em, and know when to fold em".

I wish you all the luck!!!!!

Blessings,

I'm sorry that you are faced with such difficult circumstances. I don't think that there is anyway to make someone sorry for something they don't regret. I think it would be a good idea if the two of you would go to counseling to see if you can work the problems out. If your wife doesn't agree to go I think that you should go alone. I think counseling will help you to explore the sitiuation and figure out what you can do, keeping in mind that you can't change anyone else,but by doing the things you can control you may be able to make life better for you and your daughter. I wish you all the best.

J., I was married to a man who was a compulsive cheater...the number of affairs itself is not relevant, but believe me when I say that it's only by God's grace that I don't have some kind of horrible disease. In all of that, I learned a lot, but two things of great importance.

1. Respect, once lost, is very difficult to regain. Without venturing any kind of guess at what (or who) did or did not cause it, it seems very evident to me that your wife has lost at least a certain amount of respect for you. Only you and your wife can determine the source of the problem, but the longer you wait to demand respect from her again, the less likely you are to get it. I waited too long...by the time I finally put my foot down, the only thing I could do to get any respect from him whatsoever was leave him.

2. People blame their bad behavior on other people because it is easier than admitting they screwed up. When I confronted my ex about the first affair (at least, it was the first one I found out about, incidentally it occurred with one of my best friends at the time), the explanation I received was, "You were being a bad wife." Perhaps I was...perhaps I wasn't. In either case, I in no way deserved to have my heart broken like that. Bottom line it, HE ALONE was responsible for the choice he made. He couldn't face that. So he instead chose to attempt to place the burden on me.

Pay close attention to patterns in her life. I don't know her, but from what little you've said, it sounds to me like she's one of those people who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. With money, with romance, with family...never content. If this is just a recent thing, it may be a specific problem she is having right now that she needs to address. However, if you see similar patterns throughout her life, it might signal a deeper issue. In either case, there is help to be had for her, she only need seek it. I guess that is the rub...she, who at this point appears unwilling to fix herself, is the only person who can do so. Fortunately, patterns can be broken, but it will take work from willing hands.

Continue to love your wife, and your daughter, and most importantly, yourself. Do what you can for yourself and your daughter, help your wife as much as she will allow, and continue to encourage her to help herself. Set hard boundaries of respect, accept ONLY your own responsibility for your half of the relationship issues, and in everything show love and support. Find support for yourself (posting here was a great step, btw), and pray. Lots.

Grace and peace to you and your family.
-M.

P.S. J. seemed to indicate that perhaps his wife reads this as well. If so, then Wife...you are not a bad person, you just made a bad decision. Don't look outwardly for happiness...it is a choice, that can be made only by you. Be strong, make changes, and know that forgiveness is available...from God, from your husband, even from yourself.

J.,
I do not personally want to comment on your situation, but I do want you to know that I'm sure several women, along with me, believe this forum is open to men. Please don't feel ashamed or apologetic for going to others that may be able to give you helpful and sound advice. I wish you well in your circumstances.
S.

There is a great Christian marriage ministry called Marriage Ministry International. http://www.2equal1.com/

Couples meet in homes taught by other couples who have gone through the course...14 weeks?? 16 weeks??...It teaches how to have a Christ centered marriage and what marriage is really suppose to be and look like.

It has saved several marriages that I know of...

you both really need to go to therapy. i would find a christian based one, most of which are free. sorry your going threw this.

Have you ever done an in depth study of the book of Hosea? This is a story you need to read and study.

I have only one other suggestion. Attend the Basic Seminar coming in July to Houston. Check out the details at http://iblp.org/iblp/seminars/basic/

Hi J.,
I also welcome you to this list. I think it's great to have a Dad on here!

I know you've received a lot of great advice so far but I just wanted to add my thoughts.

It sounds like you are both hurting. She may be too angry and hurt right now to feel regret for her actions. I think you should ask her if she wants to work things out. If she does then I would suggest finding a Christian or pastoral counselor that could help mediate and improve communication for the both of you. Her anger and issues with money are probably being cause by underlying problems that may have nothing to do with you or your daughter. If you are able to get to the root of the issues, it will resolve a lot of the other problems that go with it.

If you need any financial advice I would suggest to check out Dave Ramsey. He is a Christian financial counselor and has built his wealth with no credit. You can see his show on the Fox Business News channel every night at 7. He is also on talk radio daily. He has some great books and budget planning tools too. The great thing about Dave Ramsey is he isn't selling a get out of debt system or any get rich quick scheme, He just has sound common sense advice to help get you on track, out of debt and how to dave money!

I really hope it works out for you. Unfortunately you can't make anyone do or feel anything. You can't push either because it may have the opposite effect. All you can do is continue to try and communicate, that is why counseling may be the best bet.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You really should consider counseling. Even if your wife won't go you should go to individual counseling for yourself. You can't make your wife admit or do anything, you can only work on yourself.

If your wife is willing you could try http://www.retrouvaille.org/. I have heard good things about the program from others in similar situations.

Most importantly- pray. Good luck and God bless.

J., Don't worry about posting on Mamasource - I know a few guys who read/post on here! Bravo to you for looking for some advice!!

I haven't read all the responses so far, but I can somewhat relate to your situation and HIGHLY recommend both you and your wife read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Your local library should have a copy. If nothing else it may open her eyes to what she feels she's missing. And if she doesn't want to read it ("I don't need that! I'm not the problem! I've done nothing wrong.") you alone will benefit immensely from its message. Also, it has biblical references, so it is in line with Christ's teachings.

Many blessings to you and your family.

J., first off I see nothing wrong with you posting on here, I have seen first hand a daddy can be a bigger piece of the pie to a child than a mom can. And well, I am sorry but there is NO way you can "make" your wife apologize and mean it. It has to come from her. Have you tried going to counseling? If not together then just you go alone. Some people, be it man or woman, can’t see what is standing right in front of them, it may actually take some big disaster for her to see what she has in you. Try to stay strong, and hopefully both if you can work this out. God Bless.

J. - first of all although this is called "mamasource" - I think it would apply to all that take care of, tend to, are responsible for, etc ourselves, our households and our children and are looking for experience and advice with regards to these areas. After all, it takes a village......

Unless your wife has completely left the marriage emotionally, you should look into marriage counseling. If you are truly willing to forgive her for the affair and move forward with your life and family, I think it would be good start. However, keep in mind that if she has already left emotionally it will be difficult for her to move forward as a wife - and perhaps even a Mother.

If you wife wants to blame you for your short-comings and claim this is the reason for the affair, she also needs to take responsibility for her input / lack of input into the family and apologize for her short-comings.

You don't mention when she began the affair or how long it lasted. Could the timeline of the affair coincide with the birth of your daughter? If so, maybe she was looking for validation that she was still sexy and desirable to someone else and not "just a mom now". I'm not justifying her actions - but this has been known to happen.

If this process works, you might want to look into the ?Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University classes. These are Christian based financial classes that have helped millions of people reestablish their household and build a better life from themselves and their families.

Good luck in this process - you have some very difficult decisions to make and truths to face. Knowing the mom's that are on here I'm sure you'll be in the thoughts of several of us.

Gender does not matter when one needs help. I commend you for not dumping her immediately. As adults we are faced with choices every day. Also as adults, no one can make you do anything you do not want to do (w/o weapons.) She made the choice to go outside of your marriage to seek "comfort." She made her selfish choice. Everyone has a part to play in a marriage but everyone is in charge of the choices they make. Do not take her shame onto yourself. I am sure you have your own things to carry. Pray for her but above all pray for God's will in all things. Good luck to you and I am going to say a prayer for you and your child. I hope you can find peace.

Whoa! I know we are just hearing your side of the story - but the picture you paint of your wife is not a pretty one at all. It sounds like you both need counseling, but if she is not willing, you need to go and maybe think about a future without her. She doesn't know how lucky she is! Blessings!

J.,

I think it's absoulutely fine for you to post on this board as long as your responses are appropriate, but that goes for any Mom on here too! Welcome! We have had a few men posting on here in the past and, shamefully, one of them was harrassed until he left. I'm hoping you don't take any criticism you might get from people on here (just because you are a man) personally and just ignore that and take the good things. We're here to help!

Anyway, having said that, is your wife opposed to getting counseling? If not, I would suggest finding a good Christian counselor in your area and starting there. Even if you go without her to begin with, it couldn't hurt. Also, have you read the "Love Dare" book or watched the movie "Fireproof"? If not, I recommend getting the movie and watching it together (or by yourself if she isn't willing). This could help you both tremendously. The acting isn't stellar, but the message is outstanding! Once you've seen the movie, buy the book and just start working it. I'm not saying you have to be a doormat if your wife truly has no repentance. You don't say if she is also a Christian, but if she is, then she will need to work through all of that with God before she will be ready to face you with it. The Christian counseling could help with that as well. If you are involved with a church family, talk to your pastor and see if he can help. That's what they are there for.

As for the financial aspects of your marriage, I would recommend doing a Financial Peace University class together. Dave Ramsey is a Christian man and teaches some very sound principles when it comes to marriage and finances. It isn't all about getting out of debt. It will help you understand where each of you are coming from and help you to meet in the middle. If you do this, MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE GOES WITH YOU AND IS INVOLVED! It really won't work unless you are both committed to it. You will learn why your wife wants "stuff" as Dave puts it and that she doesn't have to go without any "stuff", but that there is a balance and you will have to find out what that balance is for your family through your own budget. Anyway, I highly recommend it if you can do it. Churches often have these classes, so just ask around in your area.

I am truly sorry for your family situation, J., but I'm glad to see that you haven't given up. I will pray for you and for your wife.

You may need to look at the big picture and move on with your life. I know that is harsh, but it sounds like you guys are in two completely different places. Your daughter is smart, she can see and sense the tension. There is no right time for divorce. My sister ended up getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage (her husband had two affairs that we know of) Her three kids were grown and it was just as hard on them as it can be on little ones. I to am Christian and understand that marriage is forever, however you are not doing your daughter any favors staying with a woman who does not appreciate all that you do. Have you suggested counseling? My husband and I have been and it really helped. We learned a lot about each other. I am so sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like she has checked out. I wish you the best. Keep praying and be strong for your daughter.

Oh baby J..... I for one, (and I think I speak for others) Don't care you are a man. Forgive the pun, but from what you listed as your dealings in the home, you are in a way the mom. ( plus extra equipment ) OK. The nitty gritty. I want to first and foremost apologies for what she has done. I to did this, and it was a HUGE trial for me and my husband. I did this about 9 years ago, and I was prepared to burn in hell for the sin I committed. He would have never found out, because, I never wanted to hurt him. I screwed up! He did not need to be hurt, or suffer for what I did. Problem was I had a family member that wanted to cause problems in the family, and knew of my secret. So I told my husband what I did. We are both Christians, and this was hard for us. We had been married for only about 2 years, so I'm sure a lot of the feelings you are feeling, my husband went threw also.
If she is not willing to admit, address, and accept what she has done, than she wants to live a lie. The only difference between y'all and me and my husband, is he would have never known what I did. You know what she did, and she doesn't want to admit it.
I don't know where or if y'all go to church, but if you do, try the both of you talking to pastor. Or if you want to keep it out of the church, you can go to a private counselor.
My husband and I did not go to either, but I admitted to what I did.
We have been married for 11 years and together for 12 now. Some of the WORST things that can happen to a couple, can also make them the strongest. i don't know if any of this will help you, but I hope so.
If I can help you or her, PM me. I am here for you. I can also put you with my husband. You know,,, guy to guy.

Just jet me know.

Wow J., I just posted my situation earlier which I am trying to make my husband see what he is doing is hurting our relationship. My husband is obsessed with money. He hides and hurds it everywhere. I don't understand it. But in your situation she having an affair I know that has to hurt because you being in love with only her she doesn't realize how lucky she is. I am really sorry to hear that all I can say is there is a book called Praying for Purpose for Men. Please get it and you can commit to reading and study it you should see things more clearly and won't react on emotions when it comes to making her understand that you want her to change. Of course you can't change her she has to want it for herself and her family. I will pray for you tonight and hope that she opens her eyes. I am not going to say leave her because I can tell she is the world to you but you to should be the world to her. Good luck. I will pray.

Your situation is hard and the fact that you are the Dad instead of the Mom does not make it any easier. First, and possibly most important, you cannot change your wife or take responsibility for her actions. Everyone must take responsibility for themselves. Let your wife know that you want to save the marriage but that you are not going to accept being treated without respect. See if she is willing to go into (couple and individual) counseling, either Christian or not. If she is not, you may want to get some counseling just for yourself to help you handle the situation. Remember that how your daughter sees each of you handle the relationship is how she is going to base her future relationships. Your wife is going to have to learn that money and material things are not the answer to happiness, but she is going to have to learn this on her own, not by being told repeatedly by anyone else. Good luck with your situation, stay strong for your daughter and for yourself, and God Bless.

Oh, my goodness, J., I am SO sorry for what you're going through! You have gotten some really great advice on here, so I won't reiterate what others have said about those things.

Is your wife also a Christian? If so, she really needs to be (gently, lovingly, but firmly) confronted about the fact that she has committed adultery. If she won't listen to you, then it might be wise to have your pastor do it, IF he/she is the kind of person who can do it tactfully and in a way that doesn't scream condemnation. There is a Biblical mandate for this in the book of Matthew (can't remember exactly where -- sorry!). My pastor has preached about this before. He calls it "church grease," as in greasing the wheels to make the church (the relationships between people) run more smoothly. If you have a grievance against a fellow Christian you talk to them one-on-one first. If that doesn't work, you involve another godly Christian (usually the pastor, although the Bible doesn't specifically say that). If THAT doesn't work, you're supposed to take it before the whole church, but my pastor says that is VERY rare and should only be done under certain circumstances. I don't think he would include adultery, for a number of reasons, but "grace" is a big one. He's huge on grace.

I know a lot of people have recommended your wife read certain books, but I can't see her doing that until she's ready to admit her sin and re-commit to the marriage. However, it does sound like there are some great ones that have been recommended for you to read.

And, I believe all marriage difficulties (my own included, and yes, I have a lot of them, my husband being a very difficult person to understand and live with -- I, of course, am perfect ;-) ), are caused by spiritual warfare. Satan does NOT want any families to stay together, much less Christian ones. So I think it would be important for you to renew your commitment to Christ, read the Bible every day, and, as crazy as this sounds, play good praise and worship music in your home whenever you can. Someone suggested that to me, and I thought it was "hyper-religious mumbo-jumbo." But then I tried it. And, bizarrely enough, it made a difference! It's as if the Enemy can't stand being around when God is being praised, so he retreats, and God's peace can flow in. I don't know -- it works for me in my marriage and family!

And pray, pray, pray for your wife, yourself, your family and your relationships with each other. Ask God to "beat down" the enemy (as my teenage son would say). Stay close to God and, no matter what happens, you'll have His peace. After all, you really shouldn't try to find your happiness in people (although I know this is very natural). Find your joy in your relationship with God, and you'll have His peace and true joy, which is better than "happiness" any day. And not dependent on circumstances!

May God work in your family and help you all get through this! I know He cares about all three of you, I know He wants your marriage to work, and I know He is brokenhearted over your wife's choice to cheat on you. Hang onto Him -- He will definitely pull you through, no matter what choices your wife ultimately makes!

Grace & peace,
S.

Don't ever apologize for being a stay at home dad as you are taking on what most of us women do daily. I commend you for trying to save your marriage and work things out with your wife, but unless she feel repentant in what she has done, then you can't force her to feel that way.
Maybe you need to try to look at things from her perspective. I am not trying to say that you are to blame for anything here, it may truly be all on her. But us your marriage everything you promised it would be when the two of you decided to get married? Maybe she had the thought that she would be the stay at home mom and you would be the mighty wage earner. Maybe she thought that you would be the kind of man to step in and take control of everything. Maybe being a wife and mother is not what her mental picture said it would be. Truth be told, some women are not able to give like this and her priorities do not seem to match up with yours. Honestly your wife seems to be very selfish and greedy as from what you have stated she is more worried about money and her happiness than that of you or your daughter. Her actions are speaking louder than her words. If this marriage is that important to try to save I recommend that you find a marriage counselor (even your pastor at church) and try. But if she is not able to try I think you should seriously consider cutting your losses and moving on. Realistically look at her poisonous the situation you are currently in is for you and your daughter. Sometimes it is better to not stay in a bad marriage.
I wish you luck and will pray for you and your situation. I know that no matter what you and your wife decide it is not an easy road ahead of you. Keep faith!

J. ,I think your wife is wrong to think she has done nothing wrong and your the cause of what ever lead her astray. Not only was she cheating on you ,but she was also cheating on that child. Money can cause lots of problems when you don't have it or even if you do. Money doesn't bring happiness,as long as you have what is needed to survive I believe. Your a christian man, who thinks your happiness also depends on your families. I applaud you for that and being the man you are. She is the one with the problem and sounds pretty self centered. She needs someone outside your circle to come and honestly tell her where she is wrong in her thinking. It is never okay to have an affair, if your that unhappy leave first. Sometimes people who have affairs dont feel the burn until it's been done to them, or they are kicked to the curb by their spouse, as well as being used or dumped by this other person. My husband and I have issues due to blending family issues,as well as him being unable to be intimate or having feeling of showing me he still is in love with me. This all happend once we got married. But i would never turn to anyone to fill what ever voids i feel inside. To me i would be doing this not only to him ,but our children. I think some people only think of themselves and find no wrongs in anything they do . Keep the faith and god will always be on your side!But you do have to bring this outside your circle ,have you talked to your pastor or seeked any marriage counseling?I know i have ,but my husband refuses to go ,so you might be in the same boat if she's as selfish as she seems. Take care J. and keep your head up!

Hi J., it makes no diff to me that you are a man posting, only that you are a person in emotional pain looking for ideas. Have you tried counseling? When one person wants counseling and the other doesnt seek it out, I have learned that the choice of therapist works out best if made by the less willing party. Then they cannot attribute the success/failure of the sessions on the spouse's choice. If she does not want to work on the marriage, that is a big sign for me. You stated that you want her to own her mistake and appologize for it. I understand your perspective. What if she doesnt appoligize and is not sorry but feels justified? Can you continue "marriage" with that attitude in your partner? If you choose to stay with her, how much resentment and distrust would you be willing to carry before you give up? I am not advocating sucking it up or divorcing, rather asking yourself some difficult questions. (Since you asked women for advice, this technique helped me see things I didnt realize I thought.) Write or type when you have an hour or longer uninterrupted. Ten minutes here and there will not get the deeper answers to surface. It doesnt matter where you start. You can begin with "Its hot today and Im wearing a blue shirt and I have laundry to do and chicken to bake then your subconscious will take over and you will start writing furiously. You wont have to think of what to write next it will be tapping into thoughts and feelings you dont realize you have. If this is strange/foreign to you, don't worry, you are not going into a trance or something weird. If suddenly your daughter needed you, you would still be able to respond to her. It will feel like the pen is doing the writing by itself or the words are coming out of the tips of your fingers if you are typing. DO NOT go back and read what you have written until you Feel finished. It will feel like you just stopped because it is the end. There is no more to say. Take a little break, get a drink of water, then come back and read what you wrote. I think that will be an eye opener for you. HTH. I have used this technique many times and was astounded at the beliefs that I held or to the unreasonable standard I held myself. Peace

Okay J., you have received 74 advices, so what have you learned? Have you put anything into effect? Give us an update and let your Mamasource readers in on your present situation. And answer this one question, did you tell your wife that you put this all out here on the web and let her read all the responses?

I don't know of any "rules" that say a man can't post when he has a problem. It's just that most of us are women and understand the woman's point of view a little better.

You have stated that you are a Christian. What about your wife? Do you have a church home? If so, you will probably want to seek counseling with your pastor. YOU should go even if your wife won't. (Of course, be sure to ask her to come so that she knows you are seeking help. It would probably infuriate her if she thought you were going behind her back to "talk about her" with somebody you both know.

As for her blaming you for her indiscretion--that's pretty common. Lots of people don't take responsibility for their own actions--that's one of the reasons our country is in the miserable shape it's in. What is important is that you know that you didn't force her to seek "comfort" elsewhere. Did she ever try to talk to you about being unhappy with your marriage? (I mean besides complaining about the finances.)

I hope you both can get help and save your marriage especially for your little girl's sake. Nothing is more tragic than taking a parent away from a child.

J.,

What your wife did was wrong. When there are problems in a marriage straying won't help. Your wife is responsible for that. You cannot make her feel something that she doesn't feel.

I'm concerned about a couple of things that you said. You said that you can only gain happiness through their happiness. I want to say that is a terrible burden you are putting on others. You are responsible for your own happiness. I don't know how long you have been a full time student and stay home dad. Perhapes your wife is feeling the strain of being the sole provider for the family. Was it a mutual decision for you to stay home? If not, this could be resentment on her part and she is being passive aggressive.

I don't know what you mean by "mystery money". If it was illegal, then as a Christian you know that is wrong. My best advise to you is seek counceling for yourself. You can't make your wife, but you can for yourself. Learn how to make yourself happy and not rely on others. Best wishes! You are welcome to post here any time!!!

Dr. Phil says "You should earn your way out of a marriage."
Exhaust every avenue possible. Ask your wife what it is
that she needs from you to contribute more to the marriage
and be ready with your list of requirements for her. If it
is not feasible, maybe you can both tweak your lists according to your willingnesses. Counselling may be the
most thourough way to reveal the real problems. Her
financial requirements may never become less and sometimes
worse as more money becomes available. Some people can not
be satisfied. The more they get, the more they want. There
could be something about her past, how she grew up that
set this ball a-rollin'. It needs to be revealed to her.
Good for you for seeking help. A family is at stake!!!