My son is seventeen, I'm very proud of him, he does well at school, he pulls his weight at home and he works very hard at his part time job, and he is always very polite and nice to everyone, overall he is a good kid, sometimes a little bit sarcastic, but it could be worse.
I've noticed in recent months, while he has still been a good kid, he seems more withdrawn lately and generally unhappy. For example he has a small group of friends we know through our local church and who go to his high school, and their parents have told me he doesn't hang out with them like he used to, I remember it was all day at school then on Saturdays, but now he studies all through school, then if he is not working he watches Netflix at home.
I've noticed he talks less, he is distant, usually he will come home, he'll ask my day and we have a brief conversation about that, but if I ask about his he'll just pass it off as the same old, whereas he used to tell me all about his day, he spends most of his free time in his room, he used to be glued to his phone, but he just doesn't care about it that much now, only really using it if he really needs to.
Something else I've noticed is that his atmosphere in general is much unhappier, he used to be always smiling even for no reason, but now, he is just very cold faced all the time, its like living with Don Draper, he never seems to have any time for his friends, he does for the family in fairness though.
All I really know is that he has stopped hanging out with his friends who he was very close with at one time, he spends most of his time alone with his music or movies or books, and he simply does not seem happy, he never shares anything with me about it, all I know is that he has been doing a lot of extensive journal keeping, but he won't let me read any of it, and honestly that would be pretty desperate.
He has been focusing more on working, sport and his writing, which I think is good, I don't know if that relates to his behaviour.
He also had some difficulties in childhood, his father and I went through an ugly divorce and he always had trouble fitting in at school, until we moved to a new area last year, but it nothing traumatic happened.
Any ideas, I repeat having Don Draper for a son is not very fun.
A child being distant and stone-faced at 17 is not unusual. What is more concerning is that he's not hanging out with his friends.
Have you asked him?
My only thought, since I have a gay son, is that maybe he's struggling with his sexuality? Don't dismiss this out of hand -- I was completely floored to learn that my son was gay when he was 18 - nothing about him had suggested that possibility to me before.
Coming to terms with being gay can make a person withdrawn and depressed. It's worth considering.
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C.V.
answers from
Columbia
on
Tell him what you see.
"Hey, bud, you seem to be a bit down in the dumps. I haven't seen you with you friends lately."
Don't ask anything. "Is everything okay?" Or, "Is there anything wrong?" Or, "Is there anything I can do?" He's a teenager. He's going to give a yes or no answer. Just make the observation, and wait with a caring, concerned, ready-to-listen look on your face. If he responds with silence, give him a hug and a "Okay. I'm here if you want to talk." And then move on to what's for dinner or a movie to watch together. Consider edging into his solitude a little...watch Netflix with him or ask to read the series he's reading. Try to connect.
I suggest reading the book, "How to Talk So Teens Will Listen, and Listen So Teens Will Talk." It's an excellent resource.
ETA: Perhaps, if you can put aside old hurts, give his dad a call and let him know that you're worried (if you feel that his dad and he communicate well). Some father-son time might be in order. Young men really do need their dads at this key transitional period in their lives.
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S.S.
answers from
Chicago
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Well, I could start here and just say that's being seventeen. Yes, they change. But next perhaps he has a majorly major crush on someone that is not being returned? or is? Next if we want to get very extreme and see this is a last resort, my son is bipolar (doing well with meds!) and that started around that age. If I was to give you advice, continue to monitor what he is doing.Maybe he is just simply exhausted with the overwhelming circumstances of being that age. Hormones come into play. As far as your ugly divorce goes...do not blame his circumstances on that and alleviate your own guilt. You were divorced and that is it. If you think taking him to therapy then do so. People's lives fluctuate. We change. They change. If he appears suicidal or violent towards others, then please race him to a hospital. Otherwise, start with the small stuff. Basically he might just be tired .I know that is so hard for you. Sending a hug.
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B.C.
answers from
Norfolk
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Is he a senior?
There's a lot of pressure for getting ready for college - testing, SAT studying/scores, college applications, grades, exams - you name it.
It's daunting and quite a few highschoolers get worried about their future.
Be there for him but don't push him.
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S.T.
answers from
Washington DC
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yeah, he's too young to turn into don draper for sure.
sounds to me as if your mother's instincts are thrumming for good reason. it's a traditional age to start withdrawing from and confiding in parents, but normally a kid will turn the intimacy to friends (or a girlfriend) and that's not what's happening here.
keep the doors open, even if he's reluctant to walk through them. and start off with a regular checkup, having a quiet word with the doctor beforehand.
khairete
S.
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A.D.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
Isolation is concerning. It is a symptom of depression. I really like Diane's advice about gentle probing and listening. And I would schedule a doctor's appointment. Tell the doctor your concerns before the appointment, and maybe suggest you may want a referral for a therapist. I wouldn't worry too much about him moving away from his friend group, sometimes that happens as people grow up, change and grow apart. Spending time with family is great. He's working, active in sports and writing. Those are very good things. You're right, living with a depressed teen is often not very fun. It's hard. Take extra care of yourself while you're seeking help for him.
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R.K.
answers from
Appleton
on
Who's Don Draper??????
I would get him in for a check-up. Be sure to talk to the doctor or nurse and describe what you are seeing. Like many have said his behavior can be just normal teen behavior. He is between childhood and adulthood. The pressures on him to plan his future, choose a college, choose a major etc can be daunting for a teen.
Hopefully, this is his only issue. However....
My brother was a schizophrenic. I saw something in him in high school, he graduated in 1971, my parents waded through the Sea of Denial until 3 months before his death 20 yrs ago. He was killed in a car accident. Even after his diagnosis my parents didn't educate themselves about his illness. But I digress... Often the first symtom of schizophrenia is a gradual but continuing withdrawal from life. If he is starting to withdraw get him help NOW while you can. Once he is 18 he will be an adult and helping him will become very difficult.
