My last question was regarding my son's bday party and issues with my ex husband. (titled birthday party gone bad) One of the responses said that I am still learning how to be a divorced mother, which they are SO right. I don't know anything about divorce and it's hard that my son is being raised in a divorced family. My parents have been happily married for over 30 years. When I deal with issues they are completely new territory for me. I never saw this stuff growing up.
I want to do what is best for my child and learn how to be the best divorced mother I can be. It's a situation I mourn that we are in, but none the less we are here and we need to take these lemons and make some lemonade! I was wondering if anyone knew of any good books about coping with divorce? or any other resources I can use to educate myself better to handle the issues that might be thrown at me. I feel like I am crawling around in the dark without a flashlight and there are many years left to learn how to be a divorced mother and co parent with separate homes.
Any resources to help me cope and learn how to be the best I can be? Thanks in advance!!!
I don't have advice for you, but you sound exactly how I feel right now. My husband hasn't actually moved yet, but you expressed all the worries I feel.
Being divorced or married or single with a child doesn't really change trying to be a good mother. I know so many women who have the father in the home and yet they still feel like a single parent. I was a single parent for a very long time. I got married shortly after my son turned 15.
The most important advice I can give you is always try to make decisions based on what is best for your child. This can lead you down a road where some fo the decisions you will have to make will be decisions that you are not comfortable with inside yourself because of your own "stuff" but as you begin to master making decisions based on what is best for your child, you will learn how to master your own emotions.
The second most important advice I can give you is to never ever degrade or talk or think negatively about his father. Children get their identy from both their parents and while there may be things about the character of this man that you simply loathe, it would do your son a great disservice to express that because he will identify more with his father than with you.
The third most important thing would be to pray for positive things to happen you his father's life. It would be a good thing for your son to see his father be successful. It shows your son that he too can be successful.
There are so many lessons you will need to learn along the way. Don't leave out the wise counsel of women with boys older than your son. They have so very much to offer in the way of advice and counseling and you will need it all.
I hope this helps. Try not to think so much of yourself as a divorced mother but just as a mom. Try to always be respectful of his father and require him to respect you as well, you son is watching and learning how to treat a woman by watching how you interact with men. Lastly let you son be your son and never let him attempt to step into the role of the man in the house. Simply put, you need to be the decision maker in your home because when he becomes a teen he will try to dominate you and be the man of the house which simply just can't happne for a whole host of reasons.
Ulitimately, just focus on being the best mom you can be and the rest will work themselves out.
Hun the first thing you need to do is stop beating yourself up! My parents were married till my mom died. It was a dysfunctional, passive aggressive nightmare! It is never better to stay in a messed up relationship. It took me till I was 35 to heal from everything that was my childhood.
My other bit of advice is only accept ownership of what you can control. You cannot compel your ex to be a better parent, that is outside of your control. The best thing you can do is make your home the best place for your son.
An example in my life is when my ex makes stuff up about me. So the kids come home and tell me. My first instinct is to rip him one good but that is not the best thing for the kids. It has got to the point where when they get my canned response, do you think that is true?, I get no, but we thought it was funny so we told you. :)
I never recommend books, even if I found one I liked, which I don't, I hate them all. Still each person is different so what works for one, doesn't work for others. The generic ones are so generic that they are useless as well.
Personally I am thinking about writing Dealing With Narcissism for Dummies. I hope to earn enough money to make my ex go away. That will be chapter one, just make him go away. I hope no one has to read chapter two! :p
Hello. I've been there so I know how you are feeling. It's like a death in a way. You need to give yourself time to mourn the loss of the marriage. Not so much as the loss of the "man" but the marriage. No one in their right mind gets married to get divorced. It's a struggle to find that balance where you can be the most healthy productive mom you can to your child while dealing with the issues at the same time. I don't know of any resources that can help you other than maybe counseling, church (if you're into it), good friends, etc. Don't do what I did, I went out of control in a sense. I went out and partied a lot. Had a bad attitude. I have sense got out of that but it was a long hard process. Focus all your energy on you and your child. Try to set a good example for your child. My ex has remarried a total of 4 additional times so counting our marriage he has been married 5 times. It put a lot of pressure on me to try to establish stability for my daughter. Tried to show her what a committed relationship is since her father was/is incapable of doing that. She is now 19 and is doing well. In the end the child will know who was there for them and who wasn't. Show your child what a strong capable woman you are. Show him/her that it's all right to cry too. With some time and determination, you will get through this.
Before we could get the divorce finalized we had to take a class that dealt with many of the aspects of divorce. I can't remember the books that they used but the class was very good. I think you should be able to look on Amazon and be able to get quite a list. We (my X and I) go out of our way to make things pleasurable for my son and you can see he benefits greatly. He is a very loving child and his first grade teacher even gave him a certificate for being so loving to everyone. I would suggest also that you look into getting some self-help books. I love Dr. Phil!! I know the more personal strength you have then the more your child will have. Divorce is a completely different routine for you and often times it turns out to have much unneeded stress involved. There is not an absolutely correct way and often we learn as we go. Keep a smile on your face and a laugh in your heart. We all make mistakes so just realize that and you will do fine!!
I was just at Pathways a christian counseling service and noticed they advertised 12 steps or something like that to being a better single mom.. can't remember exactly, but it might be something worth looking into. At least you might find others who have been there before. - best of luck!
Time does heal. Sorry I don't have any brilliant idea's for ya, I have been there though. It does get more into routine, and becomes a little more familiar in time. Have things understood with the ex and family about who gets child for holidays and birthdays. We work with my sister for Christmas. The years she has her Christmas morning, we do Christmas Celebration on Christmas day. The years she don't have her, we do our Christmas a couple of days before. This year she turns 12, and both mom and dad plan on having her birthday together. This is a tough one for sure. Hang in there...you sound like you will get through this brilliantly. :-)~
When I was going through my divorce, the thing that helped me most was my divorce group through meetup.com. You might see what's available in your area.
