Coping

K.,
First of all, remember that you are NOT alone. There are millions of other moms going through similar situations every day. I seperated from my husband when my son was 9 mo and my daughter was just 4 - it took 3 years of back and forth before our divorce was finalized. I do know how difficult it can be when you're trying to be a good mom and deal with your relationship with your soon to be ex and all that goes with it. Not sure what you're planning for moving out, but it's best to be upfront with the kids - depending on their age. There may be changes and struggles with them, but it's best to face it head on. Make sure you've got a support group for yourself - and try counseling for you and the kids, too.
Feel free to email me @ ____@____.com know that this site is great for getting advice and help from others who've gone through the same thing!! Keep your chin up - it seems awful but you'll get through!!
H.

HI K.~
Although I haven't been through a divorce in the legal sense, I did end a realtionship with my oldest child's father. So I know the fears and feelings of failure you are going through. The thing that really helped me was to bring all of my energy and focus to myself. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't be a good mom unless you are truly in love with yourself. Now is your opportunity to discover what it is you want to do with your life. Take advantage of the time that the kids are with their dad and take yourself out on a date. You'll have to pull yourself abouve his mentality. (i.e. don't hang out in bars a lot) especially if it will be a nasty divorce. Go to museums, coffee shops, find a cool church whatever helps you stay positive.Good louch and congratulations of the birth of the new you!

I am currently going through the divorce process myself and I have to tell you that remaining in the same house could make things harder on the kids than moving.. They can sense that something is not right no matter what age they are and if they are older they can see more than you may think and it will affect them.. It is best not to prolong the inevitable. It really makes things harder on everyone including yourself. If you are concerned about safety issues there are several places that can help with that. Places like safe houses for battered women and their children when they leave an abusive relationship. I am not sure if that is an issue for you or not but I kinda wondered when you said that you find yourself wondering when you can safely move out and not worry.. Please feel free to email me anytime @ ____@____.com. I know that things can be hard and it makes it easier to cope with when there are others that are going through or have been through the same kind of thing. Good luck with everything and hope all works out.

First a great book "The Good Divorce", get it and dig in if this is actually what is going to happen. The biggest question at this point is... is this REALLY what you guys want. Marriage is not easy. Often it is the hardest thing we will do in life, society just doesn't prepare us well for the reality of that!!! Lots of people just get divorced and think all the troubles will go away, often not true. Life is just tough sometimes. Slowly think it out. Seperate take some time.

Also go get therapy for just YOU!!!! If you've tried the couples thing and "it didn't work"
Good Luck and be true to you as the Mom of your children!

We did the same thing. We actually stayed together for almost 2 years because we didn't want to hurt the kids. We never fought in front of the kids. But we didn't talk to one another either. I found out that once I moved out and the kids seen I was happy they were so much happier. Looking back now I can see how unhappy the kids were. We thought we were doing the right thing, but it turns out we didn't. They were truely just as unhappy as we were. Plus I think it will be easier on the kids the sooner you do this than waiting. I was completely honest with my kids, I told them that Mom and Dad love each other but we just can't be married anymore. It wasn't fair to them to have us fighting all the time. We needed to be happy and you kids need to happy. Every once in a while my youngest (he's 6 now.. 4 at the time) will come up to me and say you still love daddy but you love us more that why you did this right? I answer him that's right. I was remarried not too long ago and my ex remarried last year, and my youngest thinks its great that both of his parents "say" they still love each other (to the kids!!) and we love your new spouces and the kids. We tell them there is enough love in the world for everyone. I understand this can't work for everyone, but it helped out my kids alot by them thinking that thier parents still love each other instead of thinking we hate each other. In case your wondering if the question ever came up.. if you love each other why can't you get back together it did!! Many times from my oldest!! I just explained to him that love is in different levels..that the love mom and dad has for each other is like how we love grandma and grandpa... we love them but we don't live with them. That helped him understand the different levels of love. I hope this helps. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent.. I've been there and will help with anything you have. If I wouldn't have had someone I could cry on thier shoulder every now and then I think I would have gone crazy. you can email me ____@____.com