Continued Frustration with 4 Year Old Son in Pre-K

It sounds like he is a perfectly normal 4 (girl or boy). The job of a 4 year old is to play - that's how little kids learn about the world. Running around and rough housing are also perfectly normal. Setting some limits (eg - no pushing or hitting) should be acceptable and I would think he is old enough to understand that but he needs activity. It is also normal for him to blame everything on other people. He probably gets frustrated when he can't do something yet and is still developing impulse control. How does the teacher interact with him? Does she make eye contact, touch him on the shoulder and make a connection when she asks him to do something? Or does she announce to the class whatever it is and assume everyone can immediately stop what they are engrossed in to listen? You might just ask him why he doesn't paint - it could be something simple - he doesn't like how the paints smell or the teacher yelled at him one day because he was messy.

He is a 4 year old little boy. This is totally normal. I think that our society is messing up with our boys. We want them to behave like little girls. Boys rough house, play, are active. Little girls are so much easier to have as students. They sit, color, paint, listen, sit. :) Boys are different creatures altogether. Most teachers are women. They understand girls. They understand the way a female functions. They don't get boys. Many, many boys would do well to delay formal schooling until at least age 7. I don't know what your situation is, but if there is any way you can bring him home and let him be a little boy at least this year, possibly a couple more, I think you would see huge improvements in him. You can still teach him things at home, but he won't be confined to a chair and art stations. My first born HATED coloring, painting, etc. He would have avoided those things like the plague. At 18, he is a successful business owner, so it worked out okay even without the art. :) Don't buy into the notion that if they can't do something at 4, then they will fail at 5. He doesn't seem emotionally and maturity-wise ready for formal schooling. He needs to be 4 for now.

Does he have to go to school?? I would be tempted to keep him home if you could. Perhaps he is just not ready/not happy/etc. Otherwise, I would ask the teacher for help - what are her solutions? Or talk to the school director and ask for help with the problem.

I would also look at his diet and make sure you are as healthy as possible.

No real solutions but just some things to think about!

Hi B. :-)

I usually read the question and then check out a few of the responses unless something just jumps right into my mind. I agree completely with Momofmany! That was the feeling I was getting while reading your post.

When I was 4, there wasn't any "pre-school".. there was just LIFE school! I have ten brothers and sisters and I learned about cooperation (or not!) and how to explore my world, pretend I was jungle Jim or Tarzan, bake things made out of sand, etc. etc.

There is plenty of time for "formal education" and stations... some children are just not ready to sit down and focus. Actually, the latest research I've seen is that children can not even begin to be expected to "sit" and be quiet and focus until at least 7 years of age.. and even older. So unless you need to keep your child in this environment, why not consider keeping him home and providing him the activities he is showing you he enjoys.

His "right brain" will have plenty of time to develop and express itself creatively, when it is ready. :-)

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

I don't know if this applies to you but certainly might. Often with our boys and school the expectations of the teachers are unrealistic. Boys and girls are very different developmentally. I have a friend with a master's degree in early childhood development and is a teacher of teachers. She once told me that because of how a boys brain develops all of that activiity and moving and contact is just how boys get their brains to grow and development. Girls are wired differently and are able to sit for longer periods and be more social. Because many teachers at the preschool level are women they expect boys to be like the girls. It mostly takes boys a longer time to develop their fine motor skills and often this process in the traditional school setting is torture for the little boy. I had this problem with my son too. As it turned out my son is a mathematical genious which has it's own challenges. You may need to take him out of school or send him to a different school. He may do better with more one on one than this particular school setting or perhaps he may need a different teacher. What ever you decide, continue to be his strongest advocate in and out of the classroom.

I absolutely loved momofmany's answer and whole-heartedly agree.

And, while I don't believe in always blaming the teacher, sometimes it truly is a bad fit with a particular teacher. My younger son had a pre-K teacher who had all kinds of "issues" with him - then he went into Kinder and had a teacher who thought he was great. As the years went on I found that he clashed - big time - with highly authoritarian style teachers and meshed much better with teachers who "got" boys and/or tended to be more nuturing (and also had a sense of humor).

All that being said, if I had it to do over I would never have my boys in pre-K or even Kinder. We are somewhat "accidental" homeschoolers and we absolutely love it.

Good luck to you guys.

You need to get firm with him...this is definitely unnacceptable behavior. Talk to him today about it and tell him that you are going to find out each day from the teacher what his behavior was like. If you get a bad report you make him go to his room as soon as he gets home and you keep him there until bedtime. No budging on this. Also-you should take everything fun out except his books to read. Do this each and every day you get a bad report. It might take a couple of times but I can guarantee this will work.

Again-do NOT budge and let him out. That will ruin it plus your credibility with him. It will be really hard-he will scream and cry. But so worth it. I can tell you if he were in my son's class I would a. complain loudly to the school b. make sure that the teacher sits him nowhere near my kid and c. instruct my kid to stay away from him. I know this sounds harsh but this kind of problem is VERY unhealthy for the rest of the kids. It sets up a BAD vibe in a place that should be wonderful for them. It is stressful for ALL involved.

Stressful! You are a good M. for dealing with this and not blaming the teacher.

Have you and the teacher considered a written folder that goes home each day? Smiley face, Straight face, Sad face and a brief note?
Also, I know it sounds like the opposite of what you will hear, like bribery or rewarding bad behavior, but most strong-willed kids respond to a positive system with a reward at the end of the week. Small stars and a chart that keeps track of what he does right. You can buy them at teacher stores or make your own online.

I like the comment about boys being boys. I had to learn this because the roughhousing and the bouncing around drives me batty during kids church.
Also, I had a friend whose almost 4 year old was unhappy at our preschool. This was a girl who never acted up except at the preschool that year. Her M. kept her home and she has had no problems anywhere in 4 years since . It was not a good fit. She was bored, missed M., and enjoyed being home more. Plus M. didn't have to go out 5 mornings a week.

Does this classroom have a one way window where you could go and observe to see for yourself? Any preschool should welcome parents coming to observe. Is she the only adult in the classroom? If not, have you talked to any of the other adults in the classroom? It's hard to discipline him at home for things you do not see for yourself going on ...or not...at school. You might make an appointment with the teacher to discuss the details of his behavior or hopefully you could observe through a one way so your son doesn't know. You can't get good info "on the fly" on the way out the door. The only other thing I would wonder is what does HE say happens at school? Does he like it, is it fun, does he talk about his day positively? Does the teacher really expect a roomful of 4 yearolds to act like robots? I don't think it is as big of a deal as you might think from what she is telling you. He's 4, he is a boy, his interests might not be painting etc. Does the class go outside for recess? ALL kids need a break during the day to release all that great toddler energy!

Its hard to deal with school issues at home that are not an issue in the home environment. Does she have a point, is your son rebellious and stubborn with authority? Or is he just not ready to be doing quiet activities for so long during the day? If he's really got a problem obeying and being respectful, then yes address it. Practice polite ways to respond when the teacher asks him to do something.

I frankly have a problem with Pre-K. Kids that age are not ready to be in a structured environment, especially boys. They need to be running, jumping, playing, gross motor skills heavy. I would advise you to keep him home if at all possible and let him be a kid! And wait until he's 6 for kindergarten so he's had lots of time to really get that energy out. Otherwise you're going to have him labeled as ADHD or something, and he's just being a kid.

My mom was a very strong believer in not starting kids in school until 7. That was for 1st grade, back then kindergarten wasn't required. My brother turned 7 in January and wanted to start 1st grade, so she started him in home school. But he was just too wiggly and wanted to quit after a few weeks. She let him and waited until the fall. He did so much better starting at 7.5. And even in High School he was still not quite emotionally ready to decide what to do for college. She never regretted holding him back.

Best wishes!

I also have a 4 year old in preschool who started preschool at 3. He has/had similiar issues, the teacher calls it "impulse control", and it was something we had to work on both at home and at school. I also have a 2 year old son, and he will attend preschool at the same age. I really don't agree that pulling him out is the solution, he has to learn how to behave at school, and preschool is really a good place to start before kindergarten. As far as boys will be boys theory, I agree that boys are very different than girls, however we still need to step up as parents and teach our children right from wrong and what is acceptable and unacceptable in different circumstances, such as at home and at school. My 4 year old understands that rough housing and wrestling is only at home with dad and brother, but that is something we again had to repeatedly tell him and reinforce. Your son needs to learn to listen, follow directions, and what is acceptable behavior, and if he doesn't learn it now, you will definitely have a bigger struggle when he starts kindergarten as the expectations there are even higher than at preschool.

He sounds like he's on the super active side and perhaps immature as well. I'd consider another year of pre-K or a young 5's program if it's available unless you see major setting down/focusing between now and spring. A lot of boys are like this and get better if it's not made into a big negative thing where they're labelled as bad boys. Lots of cuddling and one on one with you can only help. He may be really smart but that doesn't mean he's ready to be a student yet.