Contemplating Divorce

Divorce may be better for you. Or it may not. You will still have to deal with him, after all. And he'll have visitations with the kids.

Hi G.,
I had a hard time leaving my alcoholic husband. I left three times. I returned once because of our son. We did the counseling It didn't help. We fought all the time.he didn't work most of the time. He only brought home little money. He embarrassed both me and my son.I returned the second time because of religion . Catholics don't get divorces. We tried to live in different parts or the house. it didn't work either. He would put me up against the wall all to threaten to hit me than mock "hah hah HONEY I'm not that stupid, I'm not going to hit you". He insisted I had a problem clearing my throat. He put his fist thru the windshield because I cleared my throat. He would wake me at night to tell me to get a good night's sleep because clearing my throat all day was hard work.(he'd make the sound of clearing your throat).
I got to the point there was nothing left to stay for.I bought all kinds of food and household items; in other words stocked up on things I needed for myself and my son. Then used everything I had to get a divorce. Check with a lawyer in some cases as long as you stay at the house and have the kids he might have to foot all the household bills like mortgage and taxes. I didn't need this my house was in my name alone.
If you really need to make it on your own you can there are agencies out there that will help. Check with your church and your local salvation army for contacts. You only work part time do research and get a plan for you and your kids. They deserve better. You don't want to have to worry about 3 people driving drunk if the kids take after their father. My ex passed away from the drinking. My son is now 22 and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol and insists he never will. I hope so.
Do what you need to do for you and the kids. Make a plan that doesn't involve your husband. You can do it by yourself lots of us women have. I had no family alive, (except one brother)., when I divorced my husband. You do have a lot to think about and a lot to do, but it will be worth it to raise your kids in a better environment.God Bless and Good Luck H.

You've gotten all sorts of conflicting advice (take them out of state! don't take them out of state! remove money from your joint accounts! don't touch the money! you can do this! you should try counseling!). The reason there are so many opinions here is that we all have our own stories and our own biases. Which means that only YOU can determine if it's better to stay or go.

What matters, though, is that you know that you CAN make it on your own if you want to. You can also work really hard to save your marriage if you want to. The fact that the two of you were crazy about each other bodes well for saving your marriage (I think). It means you have a strong foundation upon which to rebuild your relationship if you're both willing to work at it. Perhaps your husband is drinking because he feels stuck and doesn't know how to properly end your marriage. Or maybe he feels like he's failing you and that makes him drink more. Either way, he's probably an alcoholic and needs help. And you need help as someone who's walking this path with him.

If you still love him and want to make this work, throw yourself into fixing your marriage. Go to Al-Anon. Talk to him when he's sober about how much you want this to work and how he needs help to stop drinking so much. Give him an ultimatum if you're ready to. He either needs to clean up his act by --- date or you'll leave.

But if the thought of trying to make this work exhausts you and all you want to do is start fresh, then talk to a lawyer now about whether you can move with your children to where your parents live before you file for divorce. I know when I was contemplating divorce, I learned that it was legal for me in my state to move if I hadn't yet filed for divorce. But the instant we filed formal separation or divorce papers, neither of us could take the kids out of state. It's a little sneaky, but maybe you would want to move first. Only a lawyer (certainly not all of us well meaning women on Mamapedia) can tell you the legal ramifications.

For me, leaving my broken marriage was the right thing to do. I'm so much happier two years later. Financially independent, dating a wonderful man, my children are happy, my family is thrilled that I'm out from under my ex-husband's shadow, etc. But that doesn't mean that my choice is the right one for you. You have to make your own. There's a book that helped me determine that I'd be happier and a better parent if I left; it was called something like: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. If you're the book type... read this one. It will walk you through a bunch of questions and decisions to help you decide. Good luck!

I recommend a visit with a counselor and a lawyer. It is a shame, but you can take action to make your life better. If he wants to help with that, great. If not, you will do what is best for your kids. I wish you the best.

oh sweetie. i'm so sorry.
i think you're right that you'd do better without him. just keeping quiet is no way to live, even though all seems well on the surface.
your kids deserve parental role models that aren't a dad who doesn't lift a finger (however much he plays with them) and a mom who is alone, confused, exhausted and frustrated. people always THINK they're hiding all the subtexts from the kids, but kids are far more perceptive than we think.
naturally counseling should be the first step, but you do need to start thinking of alternate strategies. happiness isn't something that should be put on hold UNTIL the kids are grown, it should be the medium in which kids are raised.
khairete
S.

My heart goes out to you. My father was a drunk and didn't show his true colors until he moved my mom 1000 miles away from home. Get your OWN account in your OWN name - don't even mention your married, some places will want 2 signatures to withdraw money. Also, take the money out of his wallet when he comes home loaded - this is the only money my mom ever had. He'll assume he drank it all. If you can't stand it any longer, ask to move back home and leave when he is at work, otherwise, he probably won't let you go. Kids need 2 normal parents; drunks don't count. If you think you're busy now with 2 kids and a job, add a husband who has been in a major accident b/c he was drunk and now requires care 24/7. Kids are forever, husbands are not. Good luck. Also, try a Ala-non meeting, they might be a great resource for you.

I would contact your local chapter of AL-ANON.

I understand the fear of having no income and facing divorce. The last thing I wanted to do in my 30s was move myself and two small children in to my mothers home while I rebuilt. My husband, like yours, was a good man and a good father, but a lousy husband. I decided we needed counseling, so I told him that I would stay with him and wait to make a final choice about leaving for 6 months as long as we went into counseling. We had both individual sessions and a couples session each week for almost a year, and it saved us. But, if he had been unwilling to work to make the changes he needed to I was fully ready to leave. There is no shame in demanding respect and that he hold up his fair share as a partner in your home.

Your hubby is an alcoholic. Go to an Al-Anon meeting and try to get some clarity for yourself before making any decisions. You have lived with a disease for years and didn't even know it. Your thinking has had to have gotten a bit skewed as well. One step at a time. Go to a meeting.

A rational person would listen to reason.
He's not rational.
Probably because he's got a drinking problem.
You know what they say, right? "If your wife has a problem with your drinking, you have a drinking problem."
Go to Alanon. (There are groups where the kids can play nearby.)
Short answer: ask him to leave.
It MIGHT get him thinking & ready for help.
Otherwise--gonna be a long bumpy ride. No ride for kids.

ETA: be wary of any advice telling you it's ok to take your kids out of state (ESP. If dad doesn't agree). This could look very bad for you when it comes to deciding custody arrangements. Get an attorney's advice before you do so.

Before you do anything rash, go meet with a lawyer. Some give free consultations, others charge for them. But you're not bound to use their services if you just go in for information and advice.

In your situation, you specifically need to find out a few things, the first being if you leave your husband, can you *legally* take your children out of state, so you can get help from family.

My guess is no, you can't LEGALLY take your children out of state until a formal custody order has been entered. This is my best guess from my own experience in my own divorce. But no one knows the specifics of your county or courts, which is why you need to ask a lawyer.

The second thing you need to find out is your husband's financial obligation to you. If you leave, particularly if you can't go home to your family, will he be required to pay your expenses? If so, for how long? And will this include money for your children or be in addition to money for your children? And - this is a big question to ask - can he be required to pay your legal fees?

If he's going to be obligated to pay child support, alimony, and your legal fees, it's a much different picture than if he's only going to be required to pay child support. You need to know.

I think when you have this information, you'll be better able to decide how to proceed. You may decide to leave immediately. You may decide to save money for awhile first. Or you may decide to give your marriage another shot. But you can't really decide anything until you have the information you need.

Best of luck. This time last year, I was exactly where you are. It gets better. :-)

I would talk to your folks. Ask of you can come back till you can make it alone. Call your other resources. Silently remove any money and valuables you can. Think about if this is what you want. If it is then, then jump. Pick a clear path to safety and leap. I'm so sorry. Maybe he will change. Maybe he won't. But its your life and you need to plan for your kids too. Good luck.

Here's what will happen. If you take the kids and leave the state he can file charges of kidnapping on you. He can also file charges on you for interfering the his parental rights to his children.

What will happen when you move out is this. You go to the state offices and file for medical cards for the kids and apply for a monthly check to support them on. You will also have to get on food stamps. Then you will find you have some options. The kids can get free child care while you look for work. You'll also have to go to work as soon as you get something offered that will give you a steady income.

Child support should not be counted as steady income. It's an unexpected bonus. When it does come you can splurge on things like extra laundry soap, extra cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and other paper goods that you can put back for when the child support doesn't come.

Even when he's working there may be something happen that will keep it from coming.

You will have to go to work full time, with as much overtime and extra work as you can get. You could go to school of course so you can get an education and then be able to be gainfully employed but if your husband uses that against you in court he could win full custody.

The flow of custody is changing. Men are getting more and more and more custody, child support, and alimony. It's not so simple any more. Men are working individuals that often don't have any reason to legally not have their kids. They will not be on state support as much as women, they'll have jobs and a home and be able to support the kids right now.

I'd go to counseling with hubby first and do your best to get hubby to stop drinking and driving. He needs to stop that now. If he gets stopped this will make your car insurance go up, if he gets found to be guilty a breathing apparatus will be installed by the state. Before the car is drivable you'll have to blow into the tube. Even if you're not the one that got the ticket and was drunk while driving.

My friend is going through this with her husband. He was on his motorcycle and was drunk. He had a wreck of course. Totaled his bike. He went to court 3 times for different hearings. Since the bike is gone he doesn't have transportation. Part of his court outcome was that any car he has access to must have this breathing thing in it. So if my friend drives "she" has to blow into the tube. Since she's always sober it always works. It's humiliating to do this in front of her kids and if she's parked in a parking lot like Walmart everyone who walks by the car can see this device on the dash.

So counseling and bringing this out into the open is the only way for you to have any resolution to this. He MUST learn he's perpetuating a habit/routine. He needs to stop.

The counselor could also see you by yourself so you can make a reasonable plan for leaving just in case.

Before you throw this all away, try marriage counseling. You may need to go by yourself if he won't go. Perhaps you can have a trial separation which might scare him at the thought of losing you and your kids. He needs to grow up. Perhaps he will be willing to change. You need to have a plan of what you would do. Would you be better off with him in your current situation or of sending the kids to stay with him over vacation and alternating holidays? Perhaps a counselor could help you walk through these scenarios. good luck!

Talk about it with him, ongoing, when he is not drunk.
Get counseling, with him.
Do both of these things.

I know a woman, who has very similar problems with her Husband as you do. She is getting divorced.
She reached her limit.
She put up with it for over a decade.
She has 3 kids.
They are fine.
I know her and her kids too, and they are fine. They are happy.
Her Husband, is a total, looser... per behavior/attitude/motivation/habits and in how he treated her and the kids. He was hardly home, and was always out partying etc. HOW can a Husband, be a good Dad... when he is always out partying and not being, a parent????
She is happier.
The kids are happier.
It is a better situation, for all. A parent is not a part-time job. Being a Husband is not a part-time job. But for the woman I know, that is how her Husband was. She tried all sorts of things to improve their marriage and family. There was no improvement. At all. She filed for divorce. She has her own family for moral support and a part-time job which she can grow into more full time opportunity. She is proactive and actively, doing more to sustain herself and for her kids, financially.

Being pent up and miserable, is not good for the kids.
Kids can read and feel, vibes.
Whether a couple openly fights or not.... kids know if one parent is unhappy or happy.
And they know, when their Dad is never home and comes home drunk. And they know and see, that their Dad is NOT home, ever, when they go to bed.
Kids know and feel... when their Mom or family, has to walk on eggshells... because of the other parent. The Dad.
That is how it was... for the woman I know. And for her kids.
It is not, better to live that way and just be quiet about it and pretend.
It is oppressive... for the kids and you.
Even if you keep quiet just to please your husband.

Go to counseling.
But your Husband probably will not want to.
He is not taking self-responsibility.
Or, he should see a Doctor, and see if he has mental problems.
See if he will, be PROACTIVE in improving things.
Or not.
And what if he gets more abusive?
He turns everything around... to make it look like, your "fault."
Your kids... see and hear that, too.
That is, not good.

I feel for u. I have felt the same. It s so typical to do it for the kids and I believe every woman says the same thing. You are not alone. I agree, talk to him, pour your heart out. Let your emotions pour out so he can see how serious you are. Make him open his eyes. Fight for your feelings and thoughts. If it leads to counseling even better. Because at the end of the day you could fall into this deep hole of depression, trust me. Wish you nothing, but the best.

I think he doesn't help you because there is so much tension in your home. He is good with the girls so he CAN be nice. Think he's just angry about you/your marriage.
I was in a similar situation about a year ago. I asked him to leave and he did. He came back a changed man, aware of what he was about to lose. Our marriage still has its challenges but we've proved to each other that we're committed to making our marriage work.
Only you know what your situation is. We only survived through prayer. It changed us both. I wish you the best. I know how hard it is but I also know that things CAN change. God bless.