So, my 19yo sister is coming to live with us for a while. We're getting her a job (she hasn't been able to find one), and getting her in school (she never finished high school). I am setting up a few ground rules, like; No boys overnight, no smoking (she wants to quite anyhow) etc, help around the house, and school. My question is, what consequences do you give a 19yo if they don't follow rules, or do something they shouldn't in your house? Also, is there any other rules any one thinks I should set? Just trying to be as prepared as possible. Her help will be much appreciated around the house as my husband has his own business that keeps him busy (that's where she'll work too), I have my own business, we have 3 kids, and a 4th on the way. My sister has had no direction most of her life, and needs to find some. I'm hoping with a little help she'll finish high school and gain some direction. My mom is a traveling nurse, so can't really help her anymore (has as much as she can), and my sister's father has never really been in the picture much and is not in any kind of position where he can help her. Any thoughts are much appreciated.
I suppose I could always kick her out if it came down to it. She does want to do something with her life, she just doesn't know what. She didn't really drop out of high school. She was in a traditional high school, and then switched to an alternative one and all of her credits got messed up. She couldn't get back on track with it, and I guess just eventually gave up. If she decides to move to AZ permanantly, then I'll help her find an apartment at that time. For the moment, it's all temporary so she can get her life back in order. She doesn't really know where she wants to go in the end or what she wants to do. She just knows she needs to change things in her life and a new place is just the start of it.
You all make the same point, which is what I was pretty much thinking. Only way to handle an incident is to make her move out. I have briefly discussed the rules with her over the phone and via email, but there is no way to sit down with her face to face before she gets here. She lives in CO right now, and I'm in AZ. She has no car, and that is one thing she will be saving money for. Our mother is buying her the plane ticket to get here. So, just wish me lots of luck. I'll try to fill you all in in a few months to let you know how it's going. I'm not worried about any kind of curfew with her. She is after all an adult, and she'll be working at our place, so when she works she wont be getting home till about 3am anyhow. I do like the idea of a contract though, and will have to put something in writing. She is registered with an online college that will get her both her diploma and some of her basic college credits out of the way. She gets to start that and work on her own pace with it when she arrives.
PS I'm not really worried about her staying with us indefinantly. We've already grown out of our house as it is, so it will be tight quarters with her here as well. And, not worried about her smoking in the house. Everywhere she has ever lived the rule has always been that you smoke outside if you smoke. Since we have kids, she'll have to go on a walk or something if she wishes to partake. She has tried to quite before. Hopefully with a little help, she'll be able to conquer that milestone at least. Going to be a lot of work getting her all set up, but I think she's ready to finally start moving forward with her life. Thank you everyone.
She's 19. She's an adult. You can't punish an adult.
You CAN lay ground rules though. Let her know what's OK and what's not, have her pay rent, and if she consistently breaks the rules or does not pay rent, she's out.
You might consider getting her some career counseling that includes some interest/skill inventories so that she can better focus on what she would be good at and enjoy.
As far as consequences, she is an adult, and the only consequence you are able to dole out is kicking her out, and you probably don't want to do that.
I would suggest sitting down with her and making out a contract with the mutually agreed to ground rules and consequences in it. Also, let her know what your pet peeves are, and ask her for hers so that you all aren't accidentally stepping on each other's toes. A contract will set positive expectations for her behavior as well as yours. Given her age, do not try to "mother" her, as that will likely backfire. Just let her know what you expect of her and that you know she can live up to it. Help her through it, but let her find her own path. Be open to being a good listener without giving advice, and she will eventually ask for advice when she needs/wants it. It sounds like she needs someone to allow her to be an adult and to prop her up when she feels like she isn't up to it.
Good luck! I hope she excels in whatever she chooses to do!
I think treating he like an adult and asking her to work for you to help out or do chores is a good way to teach her to participate in the family.
The fact is she is legally an adult and won't respond well to do it my way or move out. She'll go find some person to take her in that day and happily move out. She's an adult and can do it anyway.
I think asking her to be in by a certain time is silly. She is old enough to be in college and living on her own, coming and going at will. Having her call if she is going to be later than expected is just common cutesy. Not calling and letting you worry is just rude on her part. She should let you know when to expect her, then if she finds she is going to be late she should call so you don't worry about her.
She doesn't have to finish high school if she doesn't fit in anymore due to her age. She can start college, even a local jr. college, and when she has completed about 20 to 30 hours she can request a high school diploma and they should issue her one. This program was instituted for high school drop outs and those who just didn't want to finish. She can get financial aid if she needs it, based on mom's income of course or her own if she is living on her own away from mom. This living situation with your family might slightly qualify her for that. Anyway, the point is she doesn't really have to follow any rules or curfews. She is an adult and could easily find some person to let her move in with them. To me, being a help up and not a boss would be more important.
Once our son turned 18 and had graduated HS his attitude turned sour. We met with him and told him he had (and would always have) 3 choices. Pay rent, be a contributing member of the family, or move out. He chose to move out. When he asked to come back a year later, He was a wonderful contributing member of the family AND chose to pay rent. He had learned how difficult living on his own was w/o a college degree. When he returned our ground rules were clear and mostly centered around "your brothers are watching and learning from you - don't do anything they shouldn't learn". Also he had a fairly early 'doors locked' time. He could come home until that time or stay on a friend's couch if he was going to be later since coming in at 1:00 am would wake the little brothers (and mom). Hope that helps
Consequences? She is your sister, not your child. And at 19 she is an adult. If she will be living with you, let her know what you will expect her to contribute (rent, cleaning, cooking, etc, whatever you think is fair and reasonable). Also find out what her expectations are. If she is not happy, she can move out. But I don't see that you can 'punish' her, anymore than any landlord can punish a tenant. Hopefully this will be a positive experience in the relationship for both of you.
You might do well to sit down with her BEFORE she moves in and work out a contract. Put it in writing, and make copies for both of you. She should have a voice in setting the limits and agreeing to abide by them, so that if there's a disagreement down the line, she can't tell you she was cornered into an unfair agreement.
Be specific about what her household duties will be, not just a vague phrase like "help around the house." If she'll ever be babysitting, make clear when she's most likely going to be needed for that. You should also have your obligations spelled out.
On the smoking, please understand that your sister probably has an addiction to nicotine, and stopping cold turkey may not be realistic. Most smokers have to try several times before they quit for good. So perhaps outline what areas outside smoking will be allowed if she must smoke. You may well find that she sneaks smokes in her room after all (my daughter had that experience with multiple housemates), so decide ahead of time how important that is for you. In my home, it would be a dealbreaker, but I recognize how powerful the need is when one is addicted.
Be clear in your contract that the consequences of violation are that she looks for other housing and move out within X days. As Nikki said, you can't punish her (though she may be able to suggest other consequences that she would accept). Technically, she's an adult. It's wonderful that you are so willing to help her get a start in life, but it's also up to her to make good use of your assistance.
This could turn out to be a wonderful experience for you all. It may not. Giving her too many chances can deteriorate into an enabling relationship, which will ultimately do neither you nor your sister any good.
I wish you all the best.
Even though she's an adult, read Love and Logic. You cannot control her or any other person. But you can control your own actions and household expectations. And be clear from the get-go about those expectations.
I didn't read all your responses so I hope this isn't a repeat. My step-daughter took classes at East Valley Institute of Technology (EVIT) and got her cosmetology license by the time she graduated high-school. She earned high school credits for those classes and graduated with a skill in which she could find a job right away and that could give her a career as well. They have other programs at EVIT, maybe she could research and see if there is something that interests her. I know you said she won't have a car at first but that could give her something to work towards. I wish you both lots of luck. Your sister is lucky to have you in her corner.
First, how motivated is she to do this? What in her life has changes so she won't be repeating the mistakes in her past? I'd be hesitant to have someone in my home who may or may not appreciate the opportunity she's been offered.
Your only currency that I see you have is kicking her out if she doesn't live by house rules, but from the tone of your post that doesn't seem like you think of that as an option.
First, I think it is pretty awesome that you and your husband are doing this for her. Could you withhold money from her check, like a fine, if she doesn't tow the line? If you did that, you could secretly put it in an account for her to have at a later date if she does well. Other things might be loss of her phone or car.
I really hope she appreciates you for giving her another chance and works hard to get her life together.
I think it's going to be an awkward situation. She is your sister, and an adult at that, so how are you really going to enforce any rules? I guess you could lay out your expectations, and see where it goes. Just know that until she is on her feet, you are going to have to be financially responsible for her. I know you say it's "temporary", but the likelihood if it becoming a permanent thing is there. Just make sure she's not taking advantage of you & that you are not enabling her or allowing her to sponge off of you.
I would talk with her first (I'm sure you have). I would lay the ground rules for your home. She must agree to follow them before she moves in. If she will not follow your house rules and respect your standards, then she cannot live there. Period. She is an adult, and she needs to act like one, not being treated like a child (in other words, she will have consequences that will be followed through). I think it is great that you are willing to help her. Families should do that. But, also remember that your children will be watching very closely. She *will* influence them by her behavior. Only allow what you want in your own children both now and when they are older. Blessings!
