Consequence for Not Following Instructions - Repeatedly

My kids are the same age. If they continue to do something I've asked them not to, I make them come up with their own punishment ;)

I'll say 'what do you think the punishment should be for running in the house after I've told you not to?'

The girls will suggest no snack, no tv (my 7 year old always offers to rub my feet, LOL!!), early bedtime... I'll let them rattle off a list, pick one, and then they both get time out. For some reason, choosing their own punishment ALWAYS gets them in tears because they actually have to think of the action, COME UP WITH the consequence, and THEN suffer through time out, where they have to think about what they've done ;)

Needless to say, my example of running in the house, has not been repeated!

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My son just turned 5 and I recently started doing more positive reinforcement and it has totally helped with not having to do as many negative consequences. We are putting fuzzy balls in a jar and when it's full we go play baseball. I found as a mom I really like it because it's much more fun to say, "You shared with your sister SO good, let's put a fuzzy ball in the jar." Or a problem we were having is that we live in an apartment complex and he would always run down the hall, past our door and play noisily while I unlocked the door and then I'd have to him (and his younger sister) come back, which was more nagging. But I once gave them both a fuzzy ball when they didn't go down the hall and then they stopped doing it and now it's not even an issue and I have moved on to giving fuzzy balls for other things..."You were so good at the library/store/dr, etc."
But when you still have to give consequences I often make it seem like their choice: "You can decide: you can either pick up your toys or go to time out--it's up to you." I give them until the count of 3 and then they go to timeout. After we talked about how THEY made that choice, not me--because I'd really rather have them pick up their toys and not have them go to timeout.
Good luck!

DS is 5-1/2. We have never used consequences (beyond the natural ones that happen anyway like gravity). I believe that if I have to think hard to come up with a consequence (and I am an adult), how will it be linked in a child's mind to what he did and what I want him to learn. If someone told me 'if you don't listen to me, you will not get to play outside tomorrow' I am pretty sure that I would now be fuming about how unfair that is, not concentrating on why I should listen.

I do try to encourage my son to problem solve and to do it together since I do think this will be a valuable skill. So, if he is repeatedly not following a rule (say - no running around the pool for example) I do the following:

1. consider if this is truly a worthwhile rule - in this case - yes, safety is involved. In many cases - there is really no need for the 'rule' and we get rid of it.

2. Explain to him why we have the rule - 'we walk around the pool because if we are running and the patio is wet, we could slip and fall and crack our heads open and I don't want to take you to the hospital today'. If I can't explain why we have the rule - we probably don't need it. If I find 'because I said so' coming out of my mouth - I try to stop and reconsider.

3. Give him some input. Is he running around the pool because he just wants to run? - great, he can run outside the pool enclosure. Is he running because he 'forgets' the rule? I ask him what we can do to help him. He might say - remind him before we go out by the pool, he might write a note (he is big into writing notes right now).

4. If he can't follow the rule, I remind him that running around the pool is not safe and we will have to play inside or outside the pool enclosure if he keeps running - and then we do. It is a consequence - but not a punitive one or unrelated to the action of running.

Taking a toy away for a week if a child plays with it incorrectly is a 'logical consequence' - it is in some way related to the action. It is not a 'natural consequence'. A natural consequence is something that will happen without our intervention - DS runs around the pool, he falls and gets hurt. Natural consequences often do result in learning but many are simply unacceptable to parents (ie the natural consequence of running into a busy road)

Consistency is key. My kiddos are wee ones but a friend of mine went through this. Whatever her dd loved the most, she took it away. Put it high up in her closet until she felt she earned it back. If that didn't get through she took something else. She even let her younger dd pick out her older dd's outfit for school the next day because she got caught in a lie. At one point, dramatization was needed, and she left her dd with nothing but her bed in her room. No phone or television privileges, no friends over or going out any where (not even with the family, she had a babysitter). Sometimes that's what you need to do when they won't take you seriously. Let me tell you, one week of that and her dd knew she meant business. All I can really say is, if you tell them they will get punished for something and you don't end up punishing them, they will never take you seriously. Time to put your foot down and keep it down :)

You're lucky that you have 2 kids close in age. Here's how to use it to your advantage.

When Kid 1 does something right, say (within earshot of both of them), "Kid 1, I love that you're closing the door without being asked! Way to go!" Kid 2 will hear this and think to himself, "Gosh, I wish Mom would compliment me on something, too!"

You'll have to catch Kid 1 or Kid 2 doing something right. This is a skill you'll have to build---look for opportunities for catching them in a positive action. No matter how minor, comment on it, positively.

After a bit, you can tone it down. The key is, every kid wants positive attention from a grown-up. Your window is closing, though. After a certain age, kids stop caring what their parents think and focus more on what their peers think. So if you want them to mind you and other adults, do it quick.

They'll be more successful teens and adults if they are secure in the knowledge that you're rooting for them. I know you don't want to be remembered as the mom who always said, "No. Knock it off. How many times have I told you..."

Here's another cool strategy that my own brilliant mother employed: If Kid 1 and Kid 2 are playing together and something gets broken, or they let the cat out, or get into an argument, or whatever, BOTH kids get time-outs. Don't care who started it. I won't listen to it. Do this a couple times, and the rate of tattling decreases sharply and they learn to police each other.

Told you my mom was smart!

It is hard to know exactly without an example. I belive in natural consequences (you know, like if you throw a toy, you lose the toy for the rest of the week).

I have a 7 year old, and what I notice is that if I talk AT her, she may HER me but she often doesn't LISTEN. I try to talk TO her. I ask her to make eye contact, and then I say very quietly and calmly what I want. My little expression is "Look at my eyeballs" and she has learned that means I mean business.

I try to say please and ask nicely. No point being frustrated right off the bat. I also make instructions clear and concise and SPECIFIC. I don't say "Clean the playroom" - instead, I say "I want you to spend 10 minutes cleaning. Pick up all the barbies and legos and put them in the correct place."

If at that point, she doesn't follow through, I give a warning. Example. I say "I see you aren't cleaning, you are playing. If you don't do as I asked, then I will take some of these toys away myself and you won't have them for a while." Tehn of course, you have to be prepared to follow-through.

Out and about is harder. If I don't know what to do, I simply say, "If you don't listen, there will be a punishment when you get home." Then I think of it later :) Out and about, I find most instructions to be safety related and for these situations there are hard and fast rules that they know - don't walk away in a store, sit on your bottom in a shopping cart, look and don't touch without asking, etc.. If safety rules are violated, it is an immediate reaction. "You won't hold my hand, you will sit in the shopping cart." And so on.

Your kids are old enough to understand that they need to cooperate with you. One thing that has always made things go more smoothly for me is to talk to my kids about my expectations & what the consequences will be if they don't cooperate BEFORE we are in the situation. It is really hard to come up with effective consequences once you are irritated! And I think it is hard for them to understand in the heat of the moment too. Definitely expect that they will test you, though - whatever consequences you come up with, you will have to follow through at least once, no matter how painful!

Finally, one thing I have learned this summer, is that my kids are much better behaved when we have enough to do. We've been spending an hour or two on an activity of some kind *every* day (crafts, cooking, library, etc), and the rest of the day goes more smoothly when they know they are going to get, or have already had, an hour of my undivided attention.

I know that time out does not work for all kids. But me 3 year really responds to it, even if we have to do it several times, it works. I also do time out when we are out, I just tell him you want me to take you to the bathroom? and usually he stops but sometimes we go sit in the bathroom until he calms down. Which by the way I totally hate b/c I am a germaphobe, but he knows not to touch anything! LOL. Also as he is getting older I have started taking things away, that works. Good luck!

It really depends on the specific situation, but in general I handle it by restricting freedoms and privileges related to whatever instructions were not followed until trust is earned back.

I had some of this problem.

Some of it was willful disobedience. Some of it was not paying attention.

I would have them look at me in the eyes when I gave them instructions. I would then ask them what I said and what I expected them to do. If they couldn't tell me I repeated the instructions. Then I would tell them what would happen to them if they didn't follow my instructions (consequences). They didn't believe me at first so they suffered the consequences. Later, they behaved much better, but they tried me every now and then.

They hated cleaning their room (picking up clothes). If my wife washed the clothes, folded them and put them on their bed, they would push the clothes off on the floor and get on their bed and go to sleep. Then the clean clothes would get mixed up with the dirty clothes. Anyway you get the idea.

They wouldn't clean the room for my wife. I finally came to my wife's protection/help. After several attempts to get them to put their clothes away, I finally told them, "I've asked you guys nice to clean your room. You have chosen not to do what your mom has asked and have chosen to not do what I have asked." "Now, each of you pick up one of your shirts and fold it. Now give the folded shirts to me." I then threw the folded shirts on the floor, unfolding them. "You have just seen what you have done to your mom." "I'll be back in 30 minutes. Then I'll count the clothes on the floor." "Each of you will recieve one swat for each of your clothes left on the floor and not in your dresser or hung up in the closet."

They didn't believe me. They were playing a game when I came back. They suffered the promised consequences. Then I gave them another chance. Almost all of the clothes were picked up and folded or hung up. I didn't like the consequences, but I liked them disobeying and disrespecting their mom and me even less. It was harsh, but they learned. They learned the rules were to be obeyed and to respect their parents.

Good luck to you and yours.

We use Love and Logic and they have lots of ideas for consequences. You can find some on utube and also facebook.