Confused and Unsure Single Mom Looking for Help

Hey T.,

When I separated from my husband my oldest would do this. I just copied her and asked her if she liked how I was speaking to her, she didn't, and told her that I would no longer listen to her when she spoke like that, that I respected her and I expected the same from her. That took a lot of patience sometimes but it did work for us. With the cleaning, I sat them down and explained that now that it was just the 3 of us I really needed their help. I don't always get it, but on the weekends we usually end up playing Cinderella or little Orphan Annie, I'm always the mean one, and they will clean all day long. I also offered my daughter an allowance, I know money is tight for you, but they think they are rich with $5. Good luck!

Hi T.,
I saw your message about wanting to find a second job . I would love to chat with you about what I do. I am a Southern Living at HOME consultant and LOVE IT!! We are a party plan company developed around the Southern Living Magazine. Our products are designed for decorating, organizing, gift giving and service, and are designed by the designers at Southern Living. I've been doing this for 5 years and have replaced my Corporate CPA salary with what I'm doing. Please check my website. www.southernlivingathome.com/cindiathome . Our products are georgeous. We have fun doing what we do and we have an awesome support system with all the other consultants on my team! This is something you can do alongside what you are doing now until you reach a point where you are comfortable eliminating your job for Southern Living at HOME.
I would think for you the flexibility would be priceless. You do parties when you can. I generally make $125+ at an average party for about 3-4 hours of work. I know there aren't very many jobs out there that can pay you $30 - $40 per hour! I would love to talk to you more. I can show you how you can make this work for you! Call me ###-###-#### or email ____@____.com

Cheers,
C. Flanagan
2-Star Director
Southern Living at HOME

They may see you as a reason for the split up. Blaming you because you're still there. I think maybe a frank discussion with them (maybe even with counselors too) would help.

I've got a 4 and 7 year old also and raising them on my own. I'm not expert, but kids sometimes treat the one they feel most comfortable with the worst. Their emotions are pent up all day at school / daycare and they often act up when they are realease these feelings.
As far as your 7 year old not wanting to do homework, this may upset some people, but I just quit teaching to homeschool. I don't believe a 7 year old should be doing homework. I would have him do laps outside before asking him to sit still and do homework. A teacher should assign homework based on grade.. in 1st grade it should be 10 min.. 5th grade 50 min. I never had my son do homework. That was the only family time we had, why fight about it?
Just play with them, get on the floor and play with them. They need to see a happy mom more than anything else in the world right now. We've been on our own almost 4 years now.. and it's great! You grow into it.
Big Advice!! Please consider this!!! You can get student loans too pay your expenses and an education is the best thing you can ever ever do for yourself. Trust me, I'm finishing my MA and I'm doing it online while I'm home with my kids and the student loans allow me to stay home and still pay the bills. Yes, I'll owe a bunch when I'm done, but once I'm done I'll make enough to cover the loan payments... they defer them is you can't pay and base your pay back on income. There is also grant money for school that you never pay back. You have to fill out the fafsa by March to go for the pell grant. This has saved my life. I couldn't raise 2 kids without a good education. I'll be done in a year and able to make $80,000/year because of my education. Trust me, you can do this for your kids.
smiles, Julie

Hey T., wanted to lend my support and share what works for me. I am a divorced mother of a 7 year old boy with ADHD, in second grade. My ex and I split when my son was 4 years old. I work full time and have my son 50% time. I pick him up two days a week from school after work (in the evening) and the other day I work from home. The first couple days feel hard - its late and we need to do dinner/homework/bath/bedtime. Here is what has helped:

1. no "screen time" (computer/movies/video games) on school nights. I've tried to set reasonable limits but it always ends in a fight. It was hard to draw the line at first, but now my son knows what to expect.

2. reading time happens while I make dinner. he has to read 20 minutes a night for homework, and this is the best time to do it. I get dinner done, he has a quiet moment to get settled and crosses something off his list.

3. other homework gets done right after dinner. I've found that after a meal he is more settled and can focus on the homework.

4. we have the same schedule every night. the nights where i have deviated there are arguments and upsets. its boring, but it REALLY helps.

5. in working out this schedule, i sat my son down and told him what we were doing. I listed all the reasons why we can't have screen time or go see friends in the evening. At seven years old, he is old enough to understand.

I would also echo what other moms have said about the divorce being new and perhaps trying counseling. I would argue against "getting control of your sons" - in my experience, once you push them, they will keep pushing back. I do recommend sitting down with your son to talk about what works. You'll be surprised at his observations.

Good luck! hope things get easier for you.

Rest assured, they are behaving very normaly for a still recent split. Most likely they are feeling confused and resentful about the situation. Esp. since they probably understand so little. Not to mention the added stress that you are feeling trying to raise 2 boys by yourself. There are so many books available to help coach you through this issue. Go to your pub. libr. and look in the self help area. Meet with the older son's counselor at school tell them everything they can be wonderful resources. they can also refer you to local agencies that have specific counseling. usu. for little to know $$. Keep in mind that children tend to open up to strangers more easily. (don't we all) There are so many resources out there, dont feel like you have to fix it on our own!

T.,
Unfortunatly, lots of moms go through this. I am going through it with my two older ones. My daughter (11) is the worst. She will use her dad to get to me, saying things like "Well, I just won't come back next time I go to visit" or "I wish I lived with my dad". It is the worst feeling in the world! I wish there was an easy answer for me to give you. Pretty much what people tell me is that you have to know how to let somethings go in one ear and out the other. I have been separated from their father since my oldest was 5 and my son was 3 so I have been dealing with the same thing since we left. Just know that you did what you thought was best for you and your children, when you separated from their father and that you are not alone!
If you want to talk, just message me here...I have big ears and sometimes just having someone to vent to can help.
Good luck!

As the single mother of 2 girls I want to offer one bit of insight that I learned from experience (my husband and I split up when my girls were 3 and 5) that your kids will push you absolutely as hard as they can just to make sure that you won't leave them, that you aren't going anywhere. They need reassurance that you are always there no matter how horrible they are or what they might do. I found that extra reassurance helped. I also tried to emphasize that we were all a team and that together we could do anything. Hope this helps a little.

M. S.

Hey T.
I am a mom of 8 and still have one at home with Autism. My youngest (7 years old) is the one with Autism and I have to write a schedule for him everyday. What this has shown me is that it would have worked with my typical children as well. I saw your responses and feel that you have some good advice from them as far as the counseling goes, but thought I would offer you this as a way for you to try to get some type of control over the situation until you can get them some help through counseling. In my own divorce from a previous husband, I saw how hard it was on the children and learned from their counseling that they tend to blame the parent that they live with the most even if everything is okay between the 2 parents. It can be even harder if one parent is cutting down another or anything negative like that. Back to the schedule...I use wipe off boards so I can change it easily and I make it simple. I also have learned to pick my battles...in other words, don't sweat the small stuff...hope this helps

Hi T., I can feel your pain and frustration. I had a similiar situation when I divorced the father of my 2 children. The age of your children has little to do with the problem. The problem could be the anger they feel because of the loss of their father. They may also feel a responsibilty for the reason that he no longer lives with them. Is their Dad supportive and do they see him on a regular basis? This can be much more complex but without knowing the entire situation it is difficult to speculate. Search out some counseling and get free or inexpensive assistance from a local religious group or social services in the area. Avoid getting a second job and try to spend some fun quality time (play a board game, make cookies and have them help) with your children reassuring them that they are not to blame because their Dad has moved from the home. God Bless You and may he give you strength.

I don't have great advice but I want to send some support! EVERYONE battles with their kids, and I think moms, who generally interact the most with their kids, naturally fight the most with them as well. Although I know my kids love me, I think sometimes "familiarity breeds contempt" and they take you for granted. Even in the best of situations, there will always be battles. Having to do it on your own must be even harder. Sometimes you just have to step away and take a deep breath. Your kids love you and need you. Good Luck.

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I think you need to take a step back and look at what your boys have been through. Parents splitting up is a big deal and I am sure that it has affected their emotional selves...there are a ton of reasons they may be acting the way they are - and taking it out on you. They could be very angry, disappointed, worried that it was their fault, etc. -- and it is coming out in authority battles with you...I would suggest looking in to counseling -- either as a family or for the boys - to help them cope with their 'loss' or help them work through what ever other feelings they may be having. Please don't take this as I am blaming you -- but sometimes, as parents, we don't realize how intuitive kids are - and how they are affected by situations emotionally and mentally, just as much -- if not more -- then we are...

Hi, T., your request caught my eye, and I wanted to tell you that I think you're doing a great job. Although my husband and I are still together I am finding parenting very difficult, so I can't imagine what it would be like to have two children and a divorce to deal with. You couldn't be where you are without being a very strong woman, and I can tell you love you kids very much. I wish you the best of luck and hope some of the advice you're getting helps!

Jen

Do you have full custody? Do they see their dad? Is your ex husband bad mouthing you in front of the children? They do not respect you that is certain. You need to get control now. Have you sought counseling? I know that it sounds expensive but there are programs available for free counseling. Was there yelling in the house between your husband and you? Did they grow up with yelling as a form of communication? Children's minds are like sponges. They will give you what they have been taught by your husband and you. They need help to communicate what they are feeling in a setting where they feel safe. Counseling will offer that.