Conflicting "Mothering"...

Well, I wish I had a sure solution for you, but maybe it will just help knowing that you are not alone. My hubby is Army and I spent a year living in my parents' basement when he served a year in Korea 4 years ago- my kids were 1 and 3.

When I stayed with my parents my mom was a wonderful help and rarely gave parenting advice unless I asked. However, my dad would make comments like "your letting your kids eat straight sugar!?" when he saw one of them eating some marshmellows or he'd wonder out loud why I let them run around in their underwear and little things like that. I learned to not get defensive which would make it worse- I just took his critical observations with a grain of salt.

He also likes things "just so" so he would sometimes get miffed if the kids got into his computer area or otherwise interrupted the order he was accustomed too. Again, I just tried to accomadate without getting upset- remembering that I was blessed to have parents that could and would gladly take me in. The benefits of having my parents be a part of my kids lives helping to fill the empty space a bit while their dad was gone and the benefit of saving money far outweighed any inconveniences. So that's where I'm coming from.

Onto, your situation. Just like with kids, choose your battles with your mom. Let the little things go. If the homework situation and the snacking are two very important matters to you then stick to your guns on that. There are bound to be some conflicts- grandparents have opinions and most likely think they are doing what's best even if it goes against your wishes. But your mom should respect that what you say goes. Just like a husband and wife need to support each other on discipline matters- or it encourages the kids to not respect either parents counsel. And ask for her support for the "greater good." Also make sure you let her know all that she does that you DO appreciate.

Looking at it from your mom's point of view- she may feel that you are in her home so she can help you and feels it is part of her job. If she helps a lot with child care you may need to make some compromises (just like you would with your hubby in order to keep the peace.) But talk it out and let her understand where you don't want to compromise-- like on the extra snacks. When your child asks grandma for a snack she may want to start saying "ask your mother" and then she needs to back you up with whatever you say. That way she doesn't feel like the "bad guy" which my be a concern to her.

Another thing that might help...Well, do you have a space you can call your own? Well, for me it was the basement. When I saw the kids were getting too rowdy or that my parents just seemed tired I could retreat downstairs and give them a break. You may want to set up a homework station in a bedroom or somewhere where your mom is less likely to interfere. When it's homework time, you and the kids who have homework retreat to that private area.

Well, I hope this was somewhat helpful. Hang in there and God Bless your husband and your family!

C.

PS- I think you are on the right track in your approach to the overabundance of homework. My 3rd grader deals with a similar situation. She may have a couple hours of work when her 1st grade brother just has 10-15 minutes. My daughter is very smart so I don't worry about a few low scores. Like you, if I see a low score I will just make sure she realizes what caused it and that in her mind she understands whatever principle is being taught. A lot of times I find that the wrong answers are just do to carelessness and rushing through-- which you can hardly blame considering the amount of stuff she has to get done. As long as you know your son is understanding the basic concepts being taught, I think that making a big deal out of low scores is going to be more of a negative than a positive. You don't want him to feel he is underachieving if he really isn't considering the circumstances. Maybe you can check with his teacher and make sure he is doing fine and keeping up with his peers. If you get that assurance, then I would downplay homework- sometimes good enough is good enough.

Your mother is totally disrespecting at a parent and as an adult. You living with your mother has put her back into a mothering role with you and your children as her children. You need to put you foot down and tell your mother that you will raise your children as you see fit. If she doesn't comply by your rules, you might consider finding another place to live, because you current living conditions are not healthy for you, your children, or you mother.

WOW!! You are in a VERY DIFFICULT position. You need to have a serious talk with your mother and get her to imagine her having to live with her mother and her mother interferring with her parenting. Maybe a compromise could be reached so that she could spend one day a week with the children and do what she wants.
As a teacher, I'm concerned about what's going on with your chid at school getting 60-70 gradea. I think you should talk to his teacher and find out what the problem is. Is his living with your parents and having his father away affecting his school or am I reading too much into it? AGain, I'm on your side since you are his parent. This should also be discussed with your mom. Sounds to me like some ground rules should have been discussed with your parents before you moved in.
I have 3 grown children.
R. L.

I totally understand how you feel and it is even harder because your parents are helping you out right now. I have been through this more than once. My mom, my aunt and my grandmother. My kids are the only ones that they are close to and so when the whole family is together at holidys and such it seems they are being picked on by everyone because everyone feels comfortable getting on to them but none of the others.
With my mom I finally had to say enough is enough and tell her to either butt out or get out(she was living with me) but I am sure if you reverse that and let your mom know in a nice tone of voice that if she can't respect you and quit teaching your children that what you say doesn't matter then you will be moving them out. That should work just fine. If you point out how she is hurting your kids and I mean make her feel guilty about it that will help to. That is how I got through to my grandmother.
Sadly there are times that there is nothing that you can say that is gonna work. i am having this problem with my aunt. She is watching my 3 yr old before and after school and there are a few things that I have told her is a problem and she continues anyway so I informed her yesterday that I have hired a new babysitter and that she only has the rest of December to spend time with him. (he isnt in danger or anything)

On the homework thing I would just tell my son he doesn't have to do it and take him out to play or to another room

There is nothing more important than instilling trust and resect in a child. DO NOT let her take that away from your relationship with your kids.

Is it financially possible for you to move out on your own? If not, maybe you should try sitting your mom down alone and talk to her one on one about the problem. Try to let her know how much it bothers you and hopefully she'll stop.

this is your mothers home and her rule. that is the way it is you might need to put a lot of thought into moving out of her house, even though it will be hard expecally since your husband is away. 2 hens in a hen house do not lay good eggs.
even though your mom should be offering advise
being a support system for you, she does see you as her child.
yes your mother is in the wrong, but she does not see it that way. she is only doing what she has alwas done. mother.
it is hard not to take a step back when you least expect it your child is grown,talk to her it is time she pass the right of passage to you, let her know that you will alway,s need her advice and guidance, and what good mom she was to you.
but in the end 2 hens in 1 house don,t work well.

R.,
Oh my gosh! Is your father living there too? Maybe you can talk to him about the situation and he can talk to her for you. Sometimes it gets across when it is someone else doing the talking.
If you can't yell and say NO or STOP and her get the picture, she never will. Is there no way that you can afford your own place while he is away, or maybe somewhere else you can stay for a while? Maybe just letting her know you are hunting for something else will make her realize that if she doesn't quit that she will lose you all.
I don't know what the answer is but I feel for you and I will say an extra prayer for you.

Honey, I feel for you!!! I don't think I could live with my mom ever again. Did when I was 21 and OMG! Other than just coming straight out and getting rude with your mom. Everytime she does something, like making your son do all that extra work, don't make him. Go over it with him just like you do and when you are done let him go. If mom insists on him doing this while you are around, YOU can stop it. Just close everything up, say "We have gone over this once, if you would like to again that is fine. Now go and play." When grandma tells him to sit and work, just tell him to go and play. YOU are the MOM, not her and until you basically shove it in her face she's not going to quit. My mom use to and sometimes still does do that kind of stuff to me. I finally put my foot down and told her that "This is my kid and I will raise her the way I see fit. You raised me the way you saw fit and I turned out just fine. Better than most of the kids I hung out with or went to school with. Now let me do MY job as a mom because yours is over!" With the sweets, that one is a hard one. That's grandmas job. I hate it with a passion when my mom does that, but it's what grandmas do best. But, if you absolutely have to get stern and if need be use a curse word or two if it will help get your point across. No children present of course. Good luck hun, and don't let your mom drive you completely insane.

God bless you and your husband. We will deffinately keep your family in our prayers this holiday season. We are very proud of what your husband and his troop. Because of his selflessness we are still a free country! Tell him Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from our family to yours.

What a tough spot to be in with your parents. If possible, I would spend alone time with the children after school going over their day, current homework and their classwork. Maybe you could take them and a snack to the bedroom or another area in the house without your parents near. This could help get them out of the kitchen where the food is kept and then when your mother sees the kids, the work has already been discussed and/or done and that's all she needs to know. Good luck and blessings to your family for the sacrifices you and your husband are making. Thanks so much!!

Your mom has made it clear that she doesn't care a rat's arse about your rules and the way you want your kids brought up, and is going to continue to undermine your authority. And how exactly can she "make" your son do extra homework if YOU say he doesn't have to? Whether you realize it or not, you're buying into her usurpation of your position as the parent. Even though it will be a financial struggle, you need to get out of your mom's house. I assume that your husband's military pay comes to you. I know military pay isn't great, but if your kids are all in school, you can get a part-time job to supplement it and still be home when they get home from school.

Get the book by Henry Cloud called "Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No." If you can get it from the library, great; if not, check your bookstores or order it online.

These are your kids, and your mom has no right to overrule you; however, you stated that she never listens to you, so I'm guessing the likelihood of her listening to you now is very little. One problem we get into with relationships, is that we get into a rut--you always say the same thing and your mom always responds with the same thing. If you can, try to break out of that rut. Perhaps you can start off a conversation with something like, "Why are you teaching my kids to disrespect me?" Or have some question that is a new or different way of opening the subject. (Preferably, not in front of your kids, and when you're not already in an argument.) In this way, you can force her to answer your concerns in a way that lets you better see where she's coming from. She may say that she's not doing that....she's just giving them a little indulgence w/a cookie, or trying to help your son in his schoolwork. You can point out that whatever her *intention*, the *reality* is that your kids don't listen to you, their mother. Perhaps you remember some incident from your childhood in which your mom said one thing and somebody said something else. You could start off, "Remember when you wouldn't let us go swimming, but Grandpa took us anyway? How did that make you feel?" And then tie in her feelings to the way you feel now.

You could try to punish your children for disobeying you (even if they're obeying your mom). My oldest son is only 3, but we're already starting to punish him if I say no and he goes and asks his dad (or vice versa); it goes double for going from you to someone who isn't their dad (even if it's their grandmother). Let them know (away from your mom, or in her presence, whichever you think would be best) that what you say goes, and if you say "no" to something, then that's it--there is no asking grandma; if they don't ask but grandma steps in to countermand you, then they should know that what you said still goes--they do not have the right to disobey you, regardless of the circumstances. Give them the power and authority to say, "No, Grandma, mom said I couldn't do that, so I can't."

They're probably very confused, but all-too-willing to obey whoever tells them to do what they want. The fact that your son will do the schoolwork your mom says he has to do, even when you say he doesn't, is evidence to me that he considers your mom to out-rank you. He needs to be set straight. This will be hard to do, and will be better if you can get your mom on your side somehow, but you can't let your kids grow up knowing that you can be disobeyed without consequence. It's just not healthy.

Lastly, you may need to move. If you're living w/your mom because of financial reasons, see if there is any way you can squeeze your dollars any harder to afford a little apartment of your own. It won't be easy to live all four of you in a little space, but it would most likely be preferable to the undermining of your authority. If you absolutely cannot afford it, then you'll just have to deal with it, and try to work on it from other angles. If you're living w/your mom so that you won't be a "single mom" while your husband is away, then you have to think seriously if the harm she is doing is worth the help she does.

The next time she contradicts you, put your foot down. Tell her and your children in no uncertain terms that You will not tollerate this behavior. Your word is law and if someone does not like that they can just get over it. Would your mother put up with people incouraging her children to disrepect her? Well she is doing just that. Teaching your children that what you say just doen't matter. If I where you I would pitch a fit and make every one feel bad about the way they are behaving. Of course the best thing would be for her to respect your parenting choices but some women just can't do that. Good Luck and God Bless.

Here's something I did that worked like magic. :)

Try cutting out all additives, preservatives and most vegetable oils from their diets. As long as they are eating that way at home a few extra cookies wont' hurt ;) Add in lots of organic and fresh stuff and watch what happens! :)