My question is in two-parts:
First, I am very conflicted on whether or not to have a second child. I don't want our daughter to be an only child, but I don't think I could handle a baby, much less being pregnant with a 28 month old. Maybe I am overthinking this or I am being a bit selfish. My daughter have a pretty good routine going and she is really an easy-going kid. The other problem is that I am not getting any younger (I am 37) but do not want to have another kid just to have another kid. I don't know if I want to go through all that baby stuff again, especially if the second baby is not as easy-going as my daughter was.(selfish me, again) The other issue I have is that the first baby is always so exciting and fun and new. I would want the second baby to feel the same. Is that possible? A bunch of my friends just had second babies and they are telling me how much more work it is and how crazy it is.
Second, I feel as though my husband and I are drifing apart. I feel awful thinking this, especially now that we have a child. She loves her daddy so much. I know things are supposed to change, but not this much. I don't want to get divorced (again), I really want this to work, but sometimes I am happier by myself.
We went to a christian marriage retreat, but it didn't seem to help.
Part of my problem is that I am not sure what I should let go and what I should really try to work on. I have asked my husband many times to do certain things and I usually end up doing them myself or they don't get done. He is an awful procrastinater and has no sense of time. (We are always running late) Since we got married, he's put on a lot of weight and I know that is a reason why he is tired alot and why he snores, now. He also does alot of gross things, that he never did when we were first married. I don't feel attracted to him anymore, just really comfortable. But, sometimes I missed how close we used to be.
Sorry, this is so long.
I don't know if anyone has any advice. If not, just pray for me.
Thanks, mommies, for letting me get this off my chest.
Thank you all for your advice. I will keep you posted.
Get thee to a professional marriage counselor - stat! It takes two to have a successful marriage.
Fix your marriage and then decide if you want another child. A second child should be a decision that you and your husband make together.
Good Luck! Let us know how it goes.
It does sound as if you have answered your own question as far as having a second child, at this time that is not where you are at. That is fine, an only child as long as parents don't replace siblings with stuff, can be a great thing. You will better be able to afford, have time to do things for her that you would not with 2. This being said make sure it's not the depression about the state of the marriage creating your answer for you. Also marriages do evolve, comfort levels sometimes get almost too high and people forget even though they are family, some things are still meant to be private. Health, you will need to find out if he is depressed about something because people tend to gain weight or stop taking care of themselves when depressed, this could also help with your marriage. Have designated times together, alone. If money is tight this would get you a 2 for 1 deal, join a health club with him to spend time together utilize their daycare services. The spouses spend time together, your child will get social time and health should get better and stress is helped by exercise and so is depression. Also in a non-threatening manner you can sit down and say lay it on the table tell me everything you think is wrong with our marriage and I will do the same with you. Leave it as each just stating their side, stew for a week and come back with civilized answers and to how the other feels, could work on and try to fix the marriage. Decide if you want to work on it or if you are done working on it. Sometimes Mom and Dad apart are a happier time then Mom and Dad together.
I agree w/ the other response. Fix the marriage first, then decide on another child. I think having another child in the midst of some marital problems will only make things worse. It's not the end of the world if your daughter is an only child. You surely don't want yourself to be miserable (either with an unhappy marriage, or even getting divorced & being a single mom of 2), b/c children know when their parents are unhappy. Good luck & stay strong.
A second child wouold definitly put more stress on your marriage. Can I suggest a date night each month or each week? We have a 4, 2, and 8 month old. We have no family that is available to sit for us. But last week we started doing datenights again. We have the kids all ready in their jammies. They watch a short video, while the sitter puts the baby down (with pumped breastmilk), and then the sitter puts the big kids to bed. We went out from 7-10. This week we'll try 6:30-9:30 and see how that goes. It is $20 a week, but worth the investment. You don't even need to spend a lot of money when you go out. Just go for a walk, to a coffe shop, or browse a store. At home there are too many distractions. And in public I doubt your husband would do the gross stuff, like pick his nose :)
Good luck! Take some time to nutrue your marriage now. You can always consider adoption once your marriage is on a better place. That way the age and health factors aren't so much an issue, and you can get an older child (1-2). who may sleep through the night, ect :)
Hi M.,
Congratulations on being a Mom. Nobody can tell you the right family size. It is a household decision to have one or to have more than one. The spacing between children if you decide to have more than one is a household decision. You are right to be concerned about health issues in your household. Each person picks what they eat and how much that they eat. My household has worked hard with a local nutrition counselor on food choices to eat more healthy and exercise more. I believe as a Mom, it is healthy for you to want some "alone time" and some "together time" because of the big job that you do as a Mom.
C. L
Mom of 3
I can tell you that having a second child was a lot harder and more demanding than I thought it would be. Having a second child put a lot of strain on our marriage, but it has improved as the kids have become older. If you are conflicted on having a second child, than I wish you good luck with your decision. Take care.
